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My firstime ever saying - i need help, im addicted to weed.
Hi all, i have no idea why im posting this but reading all your post i felt like i found a family....haha i know its that bad lol.
Well i started smoking when i was 13-14 , did it the first time when a girl i wanted to bang offered me some weed. Shes a casual smoker by then & i denied being a virgin smoker & went ahead n smoked up with her. Being the amatuer idiots we were then...we rolled two fat joints with the quantity equivalent to 6 joint or so.
How i felt? Well the girl who offered me the weed was dazed the **** out till she started puking her lunch out lol. Me? I felt better then god might feel. I felt perfect. Waves massaging my nerves and if i focus right i could feel the "vibraitons of the earth" lol. Well lets fast foward now shall we.......its been 20 yrs since then happened.
Im 33 yrs old now and im living as a fugitive in a neighbouring country as i skipped bail on a drug consumption charge that happened to me in my country. Iv been living as a fugitive for 7 mths now. We will get to that in abit
Rewind forward :
Well so after my first experience on weed, yes loved it & has never stopped smoking ever since then. Been a **** up all my life sadly and glad that im finally able to see what iv done. This clarity just came to me not too far back.
Was a top student in a special school for kids with higher iq. ****ed that up :P
Arrested twice before prison for minor theft but given a warning.
3rd time got juvenile probation for a year.
Always gave problems in school but topped the subjects. Most of them at least.
Graduated and have a degree in computer science : worked in a bank...hacked the servers when i was there and got busted. Did 5 months in prison for misuse. Mind you i did not do it for the money. I did it cause i was a ****ing idiot too stoned to know consequences. So right after prison....i got blacklisted from government sectors.
So i moved on to peddling weed n supporting my habits......didnt need much to survive......only thing i needed was weed n money to buy junk food.
Got busted again for consumption and sentenced to 12 months prison. No cannabis rehab where i come from. Served that with 1 year urine test. completed that perfectly though i was doing cough syrups n other easy to cleanse drugs.
Right after i got my freedom back....what did i do first?! I scored shit loads of weed n smoked my ****ing lungs outttttttt.... I am someone who smokes roughly 10-20 joints a day.
I was a broke ass mofo all this while till one fine day for the first time in 30 years of living...i had lady luck smile upon me.
I came across some friends and joined them as a book maker and my first customer was one of my dealers. And he made me 100k in 6mths. All i did every day was smoke up n watch tv, at night i party with friends n hoes. It was perfect cause no one in this group did drugs... they were addicted to money. I bought my rolex and my bmw. So i felt safe and right hanging with them cause the cops usually dont come knocking on their doors. Where else if i hung with junkiees or piotheads with a record...im shortening my lifespan or so i thought.
Where it all came crashing down :
One of these nights when i was out at the club i frequent i saw a childhood friend who was working as a bouncer there. We started chatting & i didnt want to brush him off simply cause i didnt want him thinking iv grown snobbish now that iv got money. So a few days later this friend od mine called me up and borrowed 600 dollars for an abortion for his gf. I lent him the money and he promised to return it at the end of the mth when he gets his salary, which unfortunatly he did.
The end of the month came & i had a call from him saying the money is ready for collection, so i decided to drive by during lunch to pick it up. When i reached his carpark and gave him a ring, he said he was just done showering n told me to give him a minute. I asked him if i could use his toilet and he said sure come on up.
So i went up to his place....wallked to the toilet.....did my thing....and as i was on my way out of the door.....there were 7 narcs standing there. They were a holding an arrest warrant in my friends name. While my friend was searching for the key to his door, i was slowly made my way to the master bedroom n used the toilet, hoping they would sort their shit out n leave me out of it. When boom boom boom! I heard loud knocks on my toilet door. I shouted who is that???? im using the damn loo! And the narc dog shouted....come on out now....
so i washed my hands and went on out, he asked me if i had ever been arrested for drugs. I tried denying it but after he did his scan on the police comp thingy....It was over. They brought me back to test my pee......i tested positive for cannabis consumption. My friend on the other hand who i had no idea did drugs!!1111 cause we just got reconnected.....was positive for meth.
In my country u dont get bail for consumption. if u get arrested today, ull be in prison within 6 hours from ur holding cell. Its a fix sentence. I know this from my previous conviction. I knew i had to get out of this at least till i figure my thoughts out. I mean this happened to me at the best time of my life without any warning...once again!
So i faked a heart attack....got sent to the hospital....got admitted.....got myself discharged n skipped bail.
I left my country and its been nasty cause havingt this time of total solitude has given me time to realize the mistakes iv done and want to genuinely change my life for the better, even not for me but for my family. I am a single guy but iv hurt my parents too much over the years. But im at the crossroads where wanting to change but feeling its not the fell process if i do it as a fugitive.
I dont speak to anyone in person because i have forgotten how to mingle n make friends with people. So i stay home and watch tv shows stoned. Only time i speak verbally is when i shop for food.
I find that if i want to change i have to settle that part of my life but there are other factrs involve that makes me unable to do that for now.
This leads me to never be able to see my parents funeral n what not. I have not fully faced this reality cause iv been smoking myself silly since i skipped bail Just to lag time alil more then possible
I speak 8 languages ( self taught), i play nearly all instruments except wind instruments ( self taught),Released 2 albums( one self produced solo album) i can program in any language in the computer, Im pretty good in figuring things out fast. real fast. im over all not that dumb.
Thus i feel it would be unfair to my abilities if i was to live as a fugitive as i would have to live a low profile life and work a simple job.
I am sorry for wasting your thread and your time for reading this un interesting story, this is my first time actually writing this out and really needed too. As i write i realize wat a ****ed up human being i have become over the years. I have commited most crimes knock to man except murder, rape etc etc etc.
I really need to quit weed as i know i have been lagged behind in life but i dont know how to do this while im in this state as a fugitive......the one time mysupplier went dry....i had a nervous breakdown in the middle of showering.
I am lost.
I shall stop here as i can keep going on and on and on an on.
Happy new year everyone :
Sorry i got carried away n forgot the important point i was trying to make.
The need to feel high on weed got me into all this, cause i could do without any of the things iv mentioned so long i could get high.
Even now i rather live as a fugitive and be able to numb myself with weed and face the possibility of never being able to see my parents again.
I dont think i recall how to breathe without weed and the feew hours soberity iv had. Scared me senseless, i keep having nervous breakdowns....its nasty.
Well yea weed....oh weed.
Wow man it sounds like you have been having a rough time of it. The first step is knowing you have a problem.....I know it is an old saying but you are in the right place. Thanks for sharing your story. That is a lot to get off your chest. A lot of intellectual people get hooked on pot and it sounds like you are one of them. I am too. Hang in there and come back and register if you ever need someone to talk to. I'm here for you and a lot of other people are too. Take care dude.
Thank you Murph, I couldnt go in detail.......was trying to be less long winded but overall it really helped. I just got up and im re reading this to remind myself wat a fool iv become. Iv been out of weed for 6 hours n thats all i got my mind on. Nothing else. I know i can beat this addiction but i dont know if i would make it if i did.
Im sure you guys understand the after effects of not smoking after 2 decades. You know the inability to react with the appropriate emotions to things or people, total void & darkness.....everything seems numb and dead. Nothing in this world brings me pleasure or does matter to me. The only time i have been able to somehow reconnect to my old self and show emotions is when i pllay with dogs or babies. Its the only time i seem to smile genuinely. I dont know....i could be rambling due to soberity lol pardon me.
Have a nice day guys
I can relate to you immensely. I have found that I love animals and kids and they make the thought of getting high disapear completely. I used to work at a dog boarding place and I loved it. However it paid next to nothing so I had to leave. I just wish I could do what I love and get paid enough for it. Daily stress and struggles make me want to run back and get high but I know if I do that I will just feel worse. I have told myself to stay sober until I find a job and I plan on doing that. I felt the same way the first two weeks but it does get easier with time. Just don't think about tomorrow, live for today. There are plenty of distractions, books, movies, music, animals, walks, exercising, writing, nature, art, photography.....the list goes on and on. Just try a bit of it all and you will surely find something to take your mind off the withdrawls. It SUCKS I know it does, but you can do it. I'm here for ya mate, hang in there.
Thanks Bro Murph,
I mean really thank you for taking the time out of your life to reply to me. It means alot cause i dont really have much people to talk too.
I tried to talk to my mum few hours ago n coming clean with her......we ended up in an arguement which should be entirely my fault...i was angry at her for being depressed. Im such a **** head.
I admit i did score right after that arguement...i went for beer which led to scoring some weed. Lesser then wat i would usually score. I just had one joint n broke down in tears after reading this.
My friends are there but they are more distracted by my IQ then my disease...They think iv got it under control...and when i do tell them im losing it...they dont understand the depths of it.
So you replying means so much. Thank you bro.
Hope we cross paths someday.
I really enjoyed reading your initial post, so don't think you are wasting people's time, etc.
I also agree with Murph88 that it seems that a lot of really bright people seem to get addicted to weed, at least from what I have read here (but part of me, forever analysing everything, thinks that it might only be that bright people have the intellect and insight to see the problem and dissect it on forums like this, and not bright people just continue smoking away and being miserable, but not realising that they have a problem, or what it actually is). I'm rambling . . .
Anyhow, what I wanted to say was that I think the most important thing is that you have identified what the problem is and know what you need to do about it. It took me a really long time to realise that I had a problem with weed and that it was ruining my life (and not the other way around - that my shit life was the reason I smoked so much). But knowing what you want to achieve, and actually finding a pathway to get you there can be two different things. I slipped up so many times in this gap between theory and practice.
So, give yourself a pat on the back for taking the first step. Don't feel bad because you had a minor relapse - I think it happens to everyone, and not just once. Whilst your life sounds pretty stressful (on the run from the law in a foreign country) you sound smart enough to be able to handle it. Accept that part of the quitting/withdrawal is feeling REALLY down for some time, and don't let this feeling make you think that you need to smoke "just to feel a bit better". It will pass - I know it sounds so hard to believe that things will get better when the withdrawal is making you think nothing could ever possibly be good again, but it will. A day will come when some incident, some tiny little thing, will make you feel good about yourself for even just a short time, and you will at least get a glimpse of the sun through the clouds.
I know I'm rambling, and not structuring this very well, but basically - hang in there, you can do it. It will eventually get better, and once you get over the worst of it you will see that life really isn't that bad. Focus on tiny things, tiny achievements at a time - not fixing your life in one day. When I as feeling so horribly down I would make myself little challenges like "I'm going to make a little bit of conversation with a shop assitant, instead of mutely accepting my change", and little as it was, it really would make me feel better, that there was some way out of the hole I was in. There are things in life that can make us feel good apart from drugs, but they can be pretty hard to see if you are not used to looking for them.
This post is so going nowhere that I'm not going to continue - but don't give up, know that there are people here who really care about you, and when you feel you need support log on here, and you will find it.
All the best.
Hang in there
I just want to tell you how deeply I feel for your situation. I don't think that weed is the worst thing in the world to do, you weren't hurting anyone. Weed can really mess up people's lives and careers because it is illegal, and it can harm their mental health depending on how addicted they get. But I think it is ridiculous that people go to prison for weed and I am so sorry for that. I know you messed up because it is illegal, but I wish you had another chance and that the laws were not so hard on pot smokers. You are a bright talented person and I feel that we are living in matrix where it has been decided that it should be illegal and that some people will have to face harsh harsh penalties. I guess as they say Life is Not Fair. So many people get away with smoking weed, and then a few really suffer because of it. Granted it is illegal and that is reason enough not to do it, but I don't see how it hurts other people. It is hard to come off of weed when your reality is tough to face and you realize that without it you would have made different decisions, but it is worth it believe me I have been there. I am thinking of you and sending hope your way. I know you messed up, but you do not deserve to suffer so much. If you can give up weed and be drug free it will be a step towards a better life. Try not to be too hard on yourself.
I hope things are going better for you. My heart goes out to you, the years just fly by and you don't even realize that time is passing or what you're doing to your life. I have been addicted to weed for only 2 years but I am just now admitting it to myself and my family. I had an interview for a job which I had to be drug tested for, so I decided to stop just for a week or however long til my test was. I still haven't taken it and its only been 4 days. I feel depressed and anxious and sick as shit. Just letting you know theres someone else out there who knows what your going through. I hope and believe things will get better for you.
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