How do I support the man I love give up cannabis?

[Gina]

I am really frustrated to see the man I love go in and out of this vicious circle of addiction. He wont acknowledge that he is addicted but does want to give up..in his own time. Thing that gets me is that he gets so down about the years he has wasted..most of them spent using cannabis, he then gives up for a week and expects me to be pleased when he wants to indulge on a weekend...I dont know what I am suppose to do. I try so hard to get him to see his potential and work towards it, but he wont get help....what do I do?

[s42k5b]

Hi Gina

You truly are in a very tough position and I do feel for you. Ultimately your boyfriend has to be the one to WANT to stop smoking and until he makes that decision for himself there really is not much you can do. Many of us on here, like your boyfriend have wasted many years of our life smoking. Quitting is extremely hard and all you can do is to be there for him and support him with whatever decision he decides to make. Make it known that you care about him quitting and maybe that will give him some incentive. But i guess he already knows that.. Good luck Gina

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Dealing with a loved one’s drug use

Hi Gina welcome to the forum.

s42k5b is right he has got to want to stop smoking himself, but there are things you can do to encourage him and ways to go about talking to him, that will help to make it more likely to happen. Here’s a link to a post with links on how to talk to someone who uses drugs
http://www.forummatters.com/forums/showthread.php?t=223

I think you have got to try to win the intellectual battle, which is sometimes difficult with pot smokers as they often genuinely believe that their drug use isn’t really a problem, they are not always aware of the negative effects that using drugs is having on their life, is he truly aware of all of them? It’s not until they realise this that they have the motivation to want to quit. These reasons can be different for everybody, although they can often be the same, maybe you should write a list of the negative effects that drug use is having on his life, if you need any help go through the posts on this forum, there are numerous reasons people have posted, see which ones you think are relevant to him and add them to the list. Then sit down and talk to him in a calm and non judgemental manor, about the reasons that you have planned to discuss, maybe write him a letter which you can read to him and include all of the reasons in that. I think the more organised and prepared you can be, the better the chance you will have of succeeding, you have also got to appeal to his heart so don’t be afraid to tell him how you really feel, how much you love him and the effect it is having on you, he has got to realise how upsetting you are finding the situation.

Here are some other posts by people who have been in a similar situation, you may find it helpful to read them, not only for advice but to also realise that you are not alone.

http://www.forummatters.com/forums/showthread.php?t=210
http://www.forummatters.com/forums/showthread.php?t=386
http://www.forummatters.com/forums/showthread.php?t=415
http://www.forummatters.com/forums/showthread.php?t=330
http://www.forummatters.com/forums/showthread.php?t=429

I am so sorry to hear how frustrated you are I hope we can offer you some support, maybe if you could get your husband to visit us that might help too, maybe you could do that with him after you have had your talk.

My heart goes out to you I hope we can be of some help.

Take care and please do keep us posted on how it goes, all of us here are still learning too and it is really useful to hear things from a family members point of view.

My sincere thanks to you for sharing.

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Hi Gina,

I don't really know what to say, but I really feel for you and your situation..it must be so heartbreaking to watch the man u love destroying himself this way. The others are right..ur man really has to make the decision and take the steps himself..the only thing u can do is love him and be there.

One thing to keep in mind tho is that addiction turns people into liars...we lie to ourselves and we lie to others until we'v reached the stage where the lies our brains are telling us about our pot use just don't ring true..our reality goes against everything that we'v been telling ourselves..they really are only excuses and ways to escape from the deeper reasons behind why we chose to take it up in the first place. I was one of the lucky ones, cos pot was only a big problem for me for a couple of years..others, like ur man have been enslaved for much longer...and its not that he means to lie to u mate, not really...he's lying to himself...his brain has been warped...his thinking has been warped...pot is a poisonous, dangerous, life sucking thing...I think u'v seen that...but I don't know if he has at this stage..not entirely anyway.

Thank you so much for sharing with us. You have strengthened my resolve no end..I don't want to let my kids down any more and being a pothead meant that even tho I love them with my entire being, my main priority was not them, it was mj...neva eva again!

It sounds to me like he is on the path to acknowledging he has a problem and thats a good start. I really want to encourage you to keep coming here and posting...I'm so sorry that ur going thru this struggle. U r an innocent victem in all of this and that just breaks my heart. Don't give up mate and please take care of urself....its so easy to get overwhelmed by the problems of the people you dearly love...and you deserve more than whats happening rite now...ur important..ur special..and I really hope that things turn around for you soon. Its so great that u r supporting him..thats so important..but I really hope that u have support as well cos thats equally important..maybe even more so. Peace.

[Gina]

Wow!!! thank you so much...i must say I am quite overwhelmed with the support that I have found here. I really admire those of you that have that resolve to stay away from the stuff. I do acknowledge that it must be his decision and he has told me that ...i know that i must accept it cos I love him that much....and he is one of the most lovable, witty, funny, intelligent people I know...not only is he my man but he really is my best friend. I suppose I should be grateful that there are occasions that he does try to abstain. I did send him the link to this cannabis rehab site but he really isn't one to join support groups..i dont know if he would change his mind but hey...i tried. At least I get support here so that is something I am grateful for!!!!

[Drug Rehab Chick]

You rock, Gina!

We admire you very much for the love and support you obviously show towards your man. He doesn't have to join us...few people do...but lots of people come on here who have a problem just to have a look..its got so much info on everything he's going thru..perhaps he'd be willing to do that? I hope so. I'm glad you found us. It makes up in part for the pain and heartache we have caused our own loved ones if we can make it a little easier for you. And there's also the fact that u have a huge fan base here and much respect for basically just being you. You really sound like a lovely, genuinely caring person. He's a very lucky guy. So please keep sharing with us..we would all like to make sure ur ok. Peace.

[Gina]

I have just been reading threads about other peoples experiences on being around a loved one who is addicted. My man tends to dilute it with tobacco to try and ween himself off it. When we first got together he promised he would give it up but I went in the bathroom after him one day and saw the evidence and confronted him...You know it wasnt that he was doing it but the fact that he was hiding it and did not expect me to find out. I could see that it was affecting his eating habits...looking at him I could see he was underweight and seems to regularly miss meals...... and told him how concerned i was about this. I also said i wouldnt want it to destroy his plans for his career.... From that he promised not to hide it. Now he is quite open when he has fallen off the wagon.....at least he is making a concious effort to cook for himself and eat more....im really proud of him about that...

May be I should be glad that he can be so open with me...at least he is honest with me.....his parents doesn't know he uses now they knew he used as a youngster, his children from previous relationship dont know, my familiy dont know....i definately wouldnt want my little girls to know.......i suppose i just want to know everything about him....i want to see everything for myself so i can really be sure i can deal with it long term..were not married.... Have to say I have lived quite a sheltered life so it still freaks me out when i see his little stash...I had not realised that so many users go to such drastic measures to get it..... hide it.....use it so heavily.....it seems to me to be like a real emotional crutch ....its a real eye opener for me...

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Got it in one Gina..its definately an emotional crutch...I have hidden my pot use always from basically everybody who didn't smoke pot...this means that a pothead is avoiding having their use come into question...people can't critisise u or call u out on it if they don't know ur doing it..its a private thing..a private addiction, like most others, and thats what makes it so dangerous...I lived 2 lives, one with my pothead mates, and one with everyone else..and the lengths we go to can sometimes be difficult to understand..but when you are addicted to pot, mj is ur god..its ur reason for living, even if ur telling urself that its not and ur loved one's are top priority. It consumes you totally. Ur rite that its good he's open about it with u..honesty is so necessary for not only a relationship but for really getting him to grasp just how pot is affecting him and you and what it could do to the children.. and its really good u want to protect ur little girls... thats my number 1 regret, that I exposed my children...didn't smoke in front of them, but a stoner mum is not an alert mum and I'm very thankful that nothing happened whilst I was out of it...it scares me so much to think of the what if's of that...still haven't forgiven myself for it. Ur an amazing person. Stay strong in urself, and again, I hope that u have someone in ur world who you can lean on...you're so supportive of everyone else, but who is looking out for you? Peace.

[Gina]

well i just don't know what it is like to lean on anyone. which is why, I suppose CannabisRehab.org really is a support for me. I am going through alot of stuff right now... going through a divorce with the girls father....It is so strange the friends that call me I just feel really guillty about leaning on them, asking for help.. There will always be limits on what a person can do...when I rely on someone I just get disappointed...

Funny really, the only person I feel really relaxed with is my man...when he is not using. To think I was feeling so low one time i used with him just to see what it was like. I look back and see it was so mind numbing, he did say he felt a bit bad about it... but I decided that I wouldnt use again...sometimes things happen I just clam up and just get serious and tense......it really is a gift to be in touch with your emotions...just to get that release and cry and get stuff out of your system....i found when i used I was not in touch with my self...something of myself went missing....now I can understand what causes him to use this stuff....and how he feels.......I dont know what it is but i have known this man for over 30 years as a family friend.....we grew up together and i get so much support from him.....when he is not irritable or sarcastic...but when he realises he has hurt me he is really quick to evaluate his behaviour.......when it doesnt involve his using........this aside.....i just dont feel safe with anyone else.....does that seem strange? He is my support system.....

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Gina, I know what u mean. I too found it hard to accept support...I didn't even tell anyone here about what was going on with me cos I didn't want to impose...didn't want them worrying..they have their own lives etc...the first the people around me knew about it was after the 1st court case...except my parents and they don't count..when I went thu my divorce 5 years ago, my family didn't do anything for 6 months, just stayed away cos they couldn't deal with my anger and my depression (my ex hubby is a schizophrenic and it was really tough for a while). And this time I just refused to see or talk to my stoner mates, cos I didn't want to use. Luckily I have a precious and exceptional sis in law who is being just beautiful to me (but she doesn't know about the dope).

I knew my ex fiance for 22 years...same thing...he used to be my best friend also (he wasn't a violent bully all the time we were together). He's an alcoholic and even tho I understand his reasons..he's been through some pretty harsh stuff in his life...I could no longer put up with his behaviour towards me and the kids...bruises have a way of reminding you that the love he says he has for you is warped, dangerous and just plain wrong...apologies and "I'm gonna change" don't mean a thing unless they really do take the necessary steps to change. Words are cheap.

I am not comparing ur man to my ex...he was abusive and controlling and even when he wasn't drunk had a habit of grinding me down and critising me and the girls...that doesn't sound like urs at all.

What I am telling you is that my break up is messy too and even apart from the detoxing thing, which very few people know about even now, the emotional toll of sorting out the end of a relationship is hard and your friends are your friends for a reason...what would u do if one of them was in a similar position? U value the people u care about...right? If they were in trouble or going thru a hard time, u'd want to be there in any way u cud..I know..I'm like that too...so give urself the same consideration...give yourself the same value, because u matter and ur important and deserve to share your load for once instead of bearing the problems of others...let the people who care about you be there...I know what its like to be let down, which is why I'm very independent, but when ur having a bad time and life is getting you down, there's nothing like a friendly ear and a hug...the same as you have done for others I'm sure...ur man sounds like he's wonderful without dope, but I really think that u need someone to talk to about all this stuff that isn't him...someone without a direct stake in it, if that makes sense...someone who will accept how you feel without the defensiveness..cos I'm guessing that when u bring up the pot with him he gets a little defensive...thats pretty normal.

I'm wondering if u have a friend that u'v known for a long time who has proven in the past to be emotionally reliable...that is, there whenever u needed them to be..I have a couple who have known me since I was 15 (sort of parental figures) that were always there, when they knew I was in trouble...they're the people I rang when the Rehab Admin suggested I have someone with me when I was a complete mess..I told them everything and I'm so glad I did, cos it made the difference between me falling to pieces at the prospect of dealing with everything and probably using as well...it just gave me strength to know that someone was rite by my side and loving me despite everything. I still refuse all offers from them and the few others who know my predicament of practical help...but I am not afraid to let them know when I'm really hurting and they help..they really do mate, just by being here..I thrive on hugs.

I'm so glad u found this site...I know how much of a difference it makes. But I really feel for you..if I was there, I'd give u a great big hug and tell u how awesome I think u are...cos everybody needs that reassurance and you are one special lady...one very smart lady too for not opting to join ur man and become a stoner..wish I was that smart!! And brave.

So from one woman to another, who is going thru similar things....please recognise ur importance and ur right to be comforted and supported by the people who love you. I promise you that it helps. There's nothing worse than feeling alone and isolated, so please lean on the people who have shown that they care..if only for a little while. The first step is the hardest...its really difficult to expose urself..but afterwards it feels so much better...so much less isolating. Hope u realise ur more than worth it. Ur gold babe. Pure gold, so don't forget it! Much respect and compassion to u. Peace.

[Gina]

Hippychick, thanks so much, its really nice to be appreciated. You are right, I will start to accept those offers for help from those friends that have known me a long time. My man does expect me to be that rock for him, he has this view about me being bubbly and all that... he finds it really hard to deal with when I am not.......although he really tries to give me ideas, advise....he even challenges me at times.......but I realise that I do need other people to confide in....it just gets me down when I talk with him on the phone and hear him flick his lighter, draw a deep breathe and I get so disappointed that he is using again but I dont say anything to him, sometimes I cant be where he is to show him the comfort that I would want to .......I know he is just finding a way of coping with pressure........but then I suppose I need to find a way of coping with my stress......I try and give my girls the attention they need, its hard sometimes cos I do wrestle with depression..just lying on the sofa ..watching the dishes pile up in the sink.............seeing my girls take out every toy till the place looks like a bomb has hit it......some days I really feel on top of things...other days I just don't seem to be able to get it together..............but i am discovering that there are people I can call, trust and open up to........and thanks for your encouragement, Its quite moving to receive all of your kind words.....

[doublehaze]

Dear Gina,

I read your last post and can't help reading the suffering through your words. I hope what follows doesn't sound too weird.

A little more than a year ago, I became suicidal for the first time in my life, at 39 almost 40. I have a wife and 2 children. I am a succesfull professional despite my bad habit. I had pretty much everything I wanted. But still I was suffering. It lasted 3 months. I tried to talk to many people, including my wife but it seems that my distress calls were ignored. I decided to stay alive just because I felt a sense of duty toward my kids which were 8 and 10 at the time. My son loves me and admires me which I found very hard to accept because inside I felt empty, I felt like a failure. Although my 2 best friends were aware of my distress they did not try to do anything for me. It's far easier to let someone sink that to jump in the water to save him. But also, it's much easier to rely on a boey than to learn how to swim. I then remember that Howard Stern's mother was very suicidal and that she stoped after starting TM, Trenscendental Meditation. I decided that I should try it. After researching what TM was, I found a similar technique that did not cost 2k$. I started practicing mantra meditation. A couple of week later I was feeling much better and in fact, I smoked much less pot. During that period, I only smoked a bit before going to bed. I also learned about mindfulness, vipassana meditation, insight meditation. At least I was cured from my pain of living. All was so well that I started smoking pot again.

I'm an atheist. Ghandi compared atheism with a spiritual desert. A few years ago I would have said that he was just dumb for saying that. Today I'll tell you that he is mostly right unless an atheist can find spiritual guidance. I found that guidance and I am now more spiritually healthy than I ever was. During the last year, I understood much more how are brain works, why suffering occurs and what is the cause of suffering. As I read your text and see you suffer and see the cause of your suffering it just jumps in my face how simple a happy life is and how simple it is not to suffer. The source of suffering is to want or not to want. It is that simple. The road I took and what I learned gave me the strenght to stop pot. It sure is a battle. But I now understand what the battle is, I understand it even more since I have quite pot entirely. But the source of your suffering is the same as why you man smokes pot. It's all about craving. And how are cravings, suffering related to meditation? Well whe you meditate, you witness the battle between two parts of your mind and usually, at first, on a 20 minute meditation, the 19.5 minutes is won by the part that should not win, by the part that controls you and not your will. But you can only get it when you get those 30 seconds of clarity, of mindfulness. During these seconds you see that the source of your cravings come from a side of the mind for which you don't have much control. A part of the mind which pushes ideas to your consciousness and want you to act on it. But during these 30 seconds you realize that you can catch those moment that your mind makes you crave for something. You can catch it, analyze it and tell it. "You are not allowed to control me anymore. I am stronger now, go away, I am not interested in suffering for you."

Whe you apply this to your day to day life, people around you come alive, they are less stressed. My relationship with my wife and children have changed a lot during the past year. I am more happy and present. I am now battling my craving for pot and alcohol. I am happy to do it. I feel I am succeeding.

There is a man who understood much of this a long time ago. He also told people not to believe but to experiment for themselves. He was not a follower, he was an experimenter. It is nice to experiment but I can't help but to follow his advice. I am an atheist who doesn't walk in a spiritual desert anymore. I don't know you but may you find a way out of your suffering. When you do, you pull humanity out with you.

[needabreak]

hey dude-u did wat my ex wife did-u fell for a pot smoker-because of drug and drink issues she's now my ex wife-and i'm her ex husband-but thats 10 years ago-i dont drink any more and have been trying to sort out my dope smoking issue for a couple of years now-i took it to critical level-and that aint good-

unfortunately ther's a fair chance u'll not b able to make him stop-inside my head i just dont see that working-u mentioned about having a sheltered upbringing and bein freaked out by his stash-wat have u learned about it?this aint the pace to learn all ther is to know about pot-if a martian landed on earth to find out how we lived and the topic he had to check out was alcohol-then would it be wise for said martian to just go to an AA meeting?no-that only gives one side-this rehab group is for people like me who have a major problem wer dope smokin took over my life-dope in itself aint a bad thing any more than a beer or glass of wine is-i think u need to look at wat values or emotions u have about dope-it might be lumped in with every drug but all drugs are different- tabloid and headline news are bollox-and will never give any one a true perspective about dope-the main issues should be about how he smokes-it seems to be more of a problem for u than him-and, trust me, if he's gona stop doin it because u want then that will be very hard for him to maintain-he might start bumping into smokers out of the blue!he might lie about it-and maybe resent u for it-

my advice is write him a letter expaining exactly wat dope means to u-why u have issues with it-ask him would he like u to be smoking it regular-how would he feel if u'd a drink provblem and u wernt fixin it just cause he wants u to-u gotta make him see wat u mean-maybe ur makin a bigger issue of it due to ur own upbringing-maybe ur making a big deal of it-and it doesnt control his life-well i dont think it does control his life-i get the impression from ur messages that if it was that big u wouldnt be with him-and if the one we loved had faults well thats life-so long as those faults dont upset every day life-and make life sh'it-

i think its great that ur on here top find out more-but remember this is the bad side of smokin dope-i know people my own age who smoke and it doesnt mess them up like it did me-they function perfectly well and get on with their lives-my problem is me big addicted brain just always wants too much-thats why i gotta stop-but have a think urself about it-consider wat he's doing-is it a make or break issue-if it is then u'd need to point that out to him-

good luck dude-hope it works out-

[Gina]

double haze, thanks for your comments, really helps me. I will try the mediation thing. I am quite spiritual anyway but I suppose in the last 9 months i have lost that level of faith I once had. I do think I am at a cross roads cos as much as I don't agree with using.....when I am with my man I do feel tempted to use with him.....completely against my values....I am a professional person too and my career would be finished if I was caught with it.....but I do need to find an outlet to maintain my own peace of mind and find a way of coping with the depression that I feel.....so I am grateful for your comments.

Needabreak, I appreciate your comments too. I think you are right, it is more of a problem for me than it is for him...more so for me because I feel the pull of wanting to use and as disappointed as my man might feel he wouldn't stop me. As well as me not wanting to see his career go down the pan, It does not fit into what I expect my ideal partner to do.....that really troubles me cos I am absolultely head over heels in love with this guy...........thanks for helping me explore my feelings about this. With him...I cant really tell when he is stoned, doesn't do it at work, i can tell it relaxes him...he is just irritable without it and I can't stand that. Coming on here makes me realise that there is more in me that I need to sort out and I will just have to accept his decision about what he wants to do about it....I do have a choice whether I choose to be around when he uses and I will just have to try and be strong about that.......but at least I got the answer on how I can handle the situation now!! Thanks everyone

[Confusedandlost]

Gina I have read your posts and completely identify with you - for the last 9 years i have been living in the same cycle, watching him dilute it, smoke stuff thats less strong, give it a break and round and round we went - my post will tell you my story if you want to read it.

see my post "I'm new and supporting the man i love giving up cannabis."

The reason I wanted to reply to you is because I know how you feel and desperation lead me to give an ultimation and for me it seems to be working out... you have to realise we only get one shot at life, one chance to make the most of it, one chance to live the life we want. Now this may mean its with your partner but it also may mean its not.

You really need him to realise what this does to you, how it makes you feel and whether the smoking is worth more to him than you.

The key is to get him talking to you, that way you can detach from the smoking issue and help him deal with the real reasons he smokes. Smoking is usually a tool to cover up something else, a release from life and way to escape. The sad thing is until they admit they have a problem there is nothing you can do, its frustrating, soul destroying and leaves you feeling empty and confused. It took 9 years for me partner to admit there was a problem and thats only because I esclated it so far it was either sort it out or i was gone! It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, he is my soul mate and i love him more than anything however he has since said to me however hard it was to have me tell him our marriage is over and walk out its the best thing that could of happened to him, because it made him open his eyes and realise what he was going to lose and the smoking wasn't worth that... it was the push he needed.

We are now three weeks on from the horrible day when it all went bang and i am closer to him than i have been in years..... there is HOPE