My wake up letter.

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Hi guys,

I found this letter the other day...I remember writing it to myself in May 2008 at a time when the realisation that I was an addict had first hit me and I wanted to remind myself whilst I was detoxing of the reality of dope...what it really was doing..telling the truth instead of listening to the lies my brain was telling me. I decided to post it, word for word, in the hope that it will give some of u extra motivation when the thought of mj doesn't seem so bad as it once did. I wish I had read it then, instead of putting it away...guess I wasn't ready to face up to my own truths.

Dear Hippychick,

This is for you to read and take to heart when you need a wake-up call or a reality check. This is for the times when you get nostalgic about what life was like as a pothead. It isn't good. It's hell. Remember that always, no matter what your brain or your circumstances tell you. It doesn't help. It never did. Not at all. Don't ever delude yourself into thinking otherwise. Your life is ****. Pot has not made things easier to endure. It has only made you all the more lost. It has become a reason to put your own needs ahead of your children and clouded your perspective and judgement about everything. Everything. It has robbed you of the ability to see whats going on right in front of you. It is hurting your children. Thats the bottom line, Hippychick. You are giving your girls a legacy of substance abuse and depression and if you don't stop now it could be all they ever know. Think about that. Don't turn away from it because its a fact. And you have to take responsibility for it. It will destroy them if you let it destroy you. If you continue to let it run your life, nothing will change except that your childrens world will continue to be shitty and they will sink further and further into the cycle of self destruction. Your daughters will never recognise their potential. You will rob them of any hope for a good future. Look what its done to your own life...can you really justify doing that to them? What will you tell them when they turn to pot? Stop being a hypocrite and really love them the way they deserve to be loved. You're all they'v got. Remember that and make it count, girl. Remember thats why you're doing what you're doing...to make things right for them. To give them a fighting chance. Its the only solution. Believe it, Hippychick and keep trying. This is too important to **** up. You say your girls are your world...prove it.

[doublehaze]

I have written emails like that to myself many times. The unusual thing was that I would write them while stoned to read in the morning when I was not that stoned. But it seemed that the less stoned I was, the less I understood why I had written it.

Mine were more like (in french)

"Stop smoking stupid ass, you are killing yourself"
"You are such a Fcuukin looser, prove otherwise and stop smoking"
"Don't light up an other one unless you really want to die sooner"


But when I read it the next day, I thought these email were meaningless because I was so baked when I had written them.

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Telling urself the truth

I know what u mean...I also wrote similar letters to myself when I was stoned and then disregarded them for the same reasons (if ur off with the pixies about everything else its logical to assume that its the same for your attitude to pot). I remember having really strong resolve to stop smoking while I was stoned..really deciding that tonight was gonna be the last night.. and then waking up the next morning, having lost it all and telling myself the same lies that kept me a pothead.and really not having any faith in my ability to do anything at all. I hated myself..couldn't recognise anything good in me...had even turned my positives into a weakness.

I have been a mum since I was 17 and my 4 daughters are my reason for everything...they're the reason I'm still alive, cos they're the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid when I was suicidal...I just couldn't do that to them...

The difference with this one is that I was not stoned at the time....the realisation just smacked me in the face and put me on my bum...the reality of what I really had allowed myself to become and what this was doing to my girls...what they were seeing every day...how out of touch I was with them, when I was supposed to be the one who was there for them always....the fact that I had had sessions with my stoner mates and their 19/20/21 year old kids and just knew that it would be my children in years to cum, even if I hid it from them then and it would be all my fault..I didn't want them to end up like me....wasting their potential(If it wasn't for pot I would be a graduate with honours rite now)..lost and despairing and allowing a plant to run their lives..they are way too precious!

So, when all this finally sunk into my brain, I wanted to tell myself straight why it was too important to mess up...why I had to do it RITE NOW

The sad part is that I put it away and didn't read it and after 2 weeks detoxing, went back to my old habits..only I was smoking even more!!

This time I have things posted everywhere on my walls so that no matter where I look I see the reason, rite in front of me...just the kids names are on some cos that says it all to me. Additionally, I have realised I have worth too and deserve to have a life...use my brain instead of abusing it. And this time I got help for the things that I was hiding from...all the ugly things that I haven't dealt with and was numbing my brain so I didn't have to think about...and I went to the local drug place..and the best thing I did was find this forum...find people who had been there or are going thru the same thing as me rite now..I have a special cyber buddy who I'm completely open with and vice versa...don't know what I would do without them...don't know what I would do without the support and encouragement of everyone here.

March 26 is when I started detoxing this time...but I'm sorry to say I caved for a few days and had to start again (its all or nothing with me). But I am on the 4 week, 5 day mark of not inhaling a single puff. I'm very proud of that. I'm never going back. I already see the difference its made to myself and my kids, and cos they too have been hurt by whats happened with my ex its really important that I devote myself to their healing completely..and without mj I can. That makes me very happy and confident that they can now have a positive role model, thus a better chance for a bright future..and it means my grandchild will have a together, loving grandma and not a wacked out, emotionally stunted one!

[Drug Rehab Chick]

I decided to post on this thread cos I'm reading my letter over and over to stop myself from falling....things are really dire..I found out about an hour ago that the real estate agents completely disregard ur application if ur rent isn't 1/3 or less of total income..I pay nearly 50% now! how does that add up??....and cos I'm supporting my daughter, who's young and pregnant this goes against me too...less to give the landlord. The local housing department can't help cos there aren't any public housing available and cos I'm not in the domestic violence situation any more the women's place has their hands tied. My abuse counsellor is due for a visit in a 1/2 an hour and unless she has some suggestions there's a very very real possibility that homelessness is in the future..at least the girls can go to their dad's (although they don't want to) but me and my oldest are out on the streets or in a caravan...and I'll be separated from my babies..I thought for a minute that wouldn't be such a bad thing cos it would give me a break, but the thought of it really happening is just awful!!!!!

Which is why I'm reading the letter....cos my brain is telling me that with all the stuff thats been going on, maybe it wasn't such a good idea to give up pot now....maybe cos I'm panicking it would be better for the girls if mummy was stoned...which as needabreak puts it is bollox! I know that...I'm about to go do some meditation but, I have to admit that this is not at all how I expected things to be or myself to be feeling after the major victory regarding my ex. I'm glad I posted my letter on here cos there's nothing like seeing yourself telling it like it really is to yourself when your head is totally going against it all...

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

I am so sorry to hear that hippychick, there’s a problem with a lack of social housing here in the UK too, most of it’s been sold off, sure it helped people own their own home, but it left a total lack of affordable housing for those who can’t afford to buy. Very wrong in my opinion, what’s the social housing situation like in Australia? Is it just your town that doesn’t have any, or is it like that across the country in general? Do many people have to live in caravans?

It’s real tempting when things are **** just to get bombed, but it don’t help in the long term and when you are facing a crisis it’s usually better to have a clear head, so you can best figure out what to do next. Stay strong.

[Drug Rehab Chick]

I will, BFB. Thankyou. I don't intend to go back...the temptation sometimes is overwhelming, but I just don't want to become that person again...I've come too far.

The same thing has happened in Oz....there's a terrible shortage of public housing cos the government sold off heaps...its pretty universal I'm afraid..I was talking to a lady who was on the waiting list in Sydney and she told me they said it could take 10 years.. And where I am they don't even give u a waiting list time (I can't imagine it would be that long though). The one positive is cos of my circumstances I will be bumped up the list, but it really doesn't help when there's nothing available...people lucky enough to gain a house, tend to keep it as long as possible...and again, where I am, in rural QLD there aren't many houses big enough...most are 2 and 3 bedrooms.


My abuse counsellor was really lovely though...I showed her the forum, cos thats what I was doing when she arrived..reading a message from my quitting buddy....she was very encouraging about me going on here whenever I needed to. She rang up the women's shelter and has arranged that if I find nothing, they will help me so I won't be homeless and if it gets to that stage they help find a house for us..its part of what they do...its taken the pressure off a bit cos it means even if we end up in a 2 bedroom flat initially, we can all stay together. She had to pull a few strings, I think, but she isn't a lady to be messed with, so that was really nice of her. I just can't wait for this all to be over! Its hard to move on with my life with so much stuff still up in the air.

[TheDude]

Wow, thanks HippyChick. That really hit home. Especially the "prove it" part at the end.

I can really relate to the talking and not doing when I was high all the time. I still have problems with that, but since I quit getting high, things are much clearer, and problems are slowly getting easier to face eyeball to eyeball.

I can also relate to life revolving around getting high, even when I wasn't high. I had to create time to get high, and would leave places early to get high. I would leave school, come home, and get high for the rest of the day.

There indeed is a time when we have to "prove" what we say we stand for.

Thanks for posting this.

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Hi Dude,

The funny thing is that I posted it in the hope of helping others but in the end, its continually where I'v come lately, so it has helped me more than I thought. Although I wasn't cocky about the urge suddenly disappearing, I think I had fooled myself into thinking that with things finally clearing up in one area of my life, the other areas would soon follow...or I'd be more able to cope...I don't know. That battle you face sometimes, where the temptation is just so strong to escape the stuff life throws at you..to just make it all stop for a minute..its just so in your face...and your head just spins with all the old excuses you used to light up...it would be so easy to give in...much easier than dealing with my problems and facing things head on...but it would just make things so much worse! So I'm glad I posted it too...in some ways, its more valid now than it was when I first wrote it...I'll be completely pot free for 6 weeks on monday, so I'm over the initial hard detoxing, but still have to really hold on to the new patterns of behaviour and thinking that I'v been using to replace that old habit of just getting ripped off my head. For me thats the most difficult part...academically speaking the habit has been broken, but psychologically I still have a long way to go..the fact that even now, knowing how much better things are without dope, knowing just what it did to me and my kids...my head sometimes tries to revert to the same lies and the same patterns...just proves to me how enslaved I really was..how really important it is to be real about it all..be truthful with myself. And for me that inspiration to stay straight has stemmed from my kids..I really don't think that I would have bothered if not for them..but motherhood and now grandmotherhood is really the only motivation and vision that will work for me...its what I'm all about, so I'm using that to really turn things around, not just temporarily, but for the rest of my life....and as you mentioned, prove what they mean to me..how important they are..cos they're all so special and deserve that. Its very hard still at times. I owe so much to CannabisRehab.org and to the people who post here...they keep me strong and resolved...I get everything u said cos I was like that too...exactly like that....my life just revolved around getting stoned, or waiting til I could..thats a scary thing. Proving my commitment has been much easier since I found this forum...staying commited has been much easier..still hard at times, but I shudder to think where I'd be at without it...so I really hope that others like us use it and learn to come here before taking that next toke...rely on it like a counsellor, family and friend all rolled into one...believe me, having these guys on your side is the most powerful weapon and ally you have at your disposal. Peace.

[bongwater]

This kind of letter must be a symptom of cannabis addiction, but before today I didn't realize so many were writing those. Deep in the belly of the beast anything, including a decision to stop weed, can be used as a way to smoke more, since it's the last time anyway. It's such a subtle game, spending time fully loaded trying to figure out how to quit...right after the worst moments, when you feel your body is about to wear out and that you're in for the nervous breakdown, you anticipate not being high. You realize how bad it is, how much damage it does to your mind and now to your body, too. It's vivid and the truth you find in these moments is self-evident. Minutes pass by, and the realization is still there but on the other hand, the craving comes back. How fascinating to realize the way the drug rules everything, it can even push away a truth that seemed - and was - so real and so important just a moment ago. I've reached that point tonight. One too many joints, one too many sleepless nights followed by one too stressful days at work. I smoke at night and only smoke cigs during the work day. At the last stages, this addiction destroys eating and sleeping. Nervously, I feel I'm about to break. I've made a decision today, I have to cut down for the two coming weeks, and then I'll be on holiday for two weeks. That's the moment I intend to detox permanently. But right now it remains scary yet somehow, this time, the inevitability of this stuck through the hours. Writing like you did is what I intend to do every day, in a journaling sort of way. Writing is the only thing that can instantly remind me what my goals are, so I will try to use it as an anchor to remain the master of my hours, days and weeks. Such a simple thing as remembering what I'm trying to do and not getting sidetracked is already huge considering where I'm at.

Thanks for posting this letter...I'm obviously new


ps the captcha to register on this cannabis rehab site is too hard even for a nerd

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi bongwater welcome to the forum.

Sorry about the captcha it’s part of the software and designed to fight spam, they have to make them a little bit difficult to read, as spamming software with text recognition can read them unless they make them that way, anyway now you are registered you should be able to post without using it.

Writing can definitely be very therapeutic I would advise it to anybody struggling with addiction, not only does it feel good to do it at the time, but it also helps to read what you have wrote when you feel you need strength. We would be honoured if you share some of what you write with us.

Take care and please keep us posted on how it goes.

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Its still amazing me how often I come here to re-read my own letter!! That was not the initial intention, but u get that!

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Just wanted to show u guys my latest reason and motivation to stay straight...meet my precious grand daughter, Bella...

[Pipechuffer]

Hi Hippychick,
Yea i've written similar things to. When i write it im baked and when i read it sober its quite shocking to me. Trouble is i throw them away the next time i smoke and it makes me feel like i failed all over again(well i guess i did). Thanks for posting yours though and its nice to know im not the only one writing to myself