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**needabreak** · 05-26-2009, 10:44 PM

hey confusedandlost-i'm a smokaholic-addicted to weed-not just abit-i'm addicted to being stoned every minute of the day-it was my life and its while irrational and emotional and intense tryin to stop-

i'm glad ur fella has kicked it for now-u gotta explain to him what its doin to u-my ex wife used to tell me i had to stop-i didnt-she didnt tell me why i had to stop-no mentoion of how she felt and wat it was doin to her-u gotta explain it to him if yous wana last-he needs to know that thers more to it than him just stoppin smokin for him-thers the 2 of u-

i been confused and lost-still am some days-ther's no tougher person than me but smokin pot broke me-people who dont understand that dont have the experience i have-i know i'd do it all again-but thats easy to say wen i can see thers a way out-but its true-it taught me a lot about me-about who i am-and wen i get on the path of life without my reliable friend i know i'll be twice the man i was b4 i let it all get on top of me-

goodluck dude-keep giving him support-keep letting him know why he's stoppin-and some days just leave him alone-u'll know wat i mean-

**Cannabis Rehab Admin** · 05-26-2009, 11:01 PM

Hi Confusedandlost welcome to the forum.

I am so pleased to hear how going to the meetings is helping your partner, I think support groups are a wonderful way of helping people deal with addiction. It’s funny with cannabis how there are so many who refuse to even consider that anybody can have a problem with it, but if they used any other drug in the same way they would be considered an addict. Heck people these days even recognise gambling addiction more than they do cannabis addiction and that isn’t even a drug. I know what you mean about a whole generations love affair with cannabis and it’s fair enough to a certain extent to consider it no different to enjoying a drink, I can fully appreciate that, but just like with drink or any other drug for that matter, there are no exceptions when it comes to drugs, it is possible to have a problem with it, it’s possible to have a problem with any drug. The problem is when people lose view of a balanced perspective, the pro cannabis movement has fought so hard to normalize cannabis, that it has been taken to the extreme and people have been brainwashed into believing that it is the one drug that it is impossible to have a problem with, as if it’s some kind of magical drug for which the rules that apply to every other drug, don’t exist when it comes to cannabis, some people don’t even consider it a drug, they say “it’s not even a drug, it’s a herb, it’s a plant”, it’s crazy as if a plant can’t be a drug, where do most other drugs come from? Some people have completely lost a balanced perspective, it’s possible to have a problem with any drug, that’s not to say that everybody who uses drugs including alcohol has a problem, but it is possible for some. So whether it’s a physical or a psychological addiction or whatever, if you are hooked your hooked, we don’t laugh at people for going to gamblers anonymous and that isn’t even a drug, so why should people who go to marijuana anonymous not be taken seriously?

Anyway in a nutshell I think you have a very good point about people been fooled into a false sense of security when it comes to cannabis. I am really pleased to hear things are looking up and that your partner is learning how to deal with his feelings without turning to drugs. Make sure he keeps going to the meetings.

I hope we can offer you the support that you need, because the families of users often get overlooked.

Thanks for sharing and please keep us posted on how it goes.

Take care

**Confusedandlost** · 05-27-2009, 07:51 AM

thank you for your replys and the comment that needabreak said at the end about just sometimes leaving him alone rings true... the main problem we had was when he was smoking and denying anything was wrong i was just shut out. We were talking about this last night and i used the analogy that it was like running around a locked house, knocking on doors and windows but they were always locked. Now though I knock and they open, sometimes I might have to knock a couple of times but they still open. The key for me and my other half is communication, sometimes I know the door won't open but we have agreed if thats the case, I'll go see my friends, ride my horse and then come back and knock again.

Before because i knew there was a issue, i'd knock away, then try battering the door down, then when i am exhausted with that I'd throw all my toys out of my pram.... however since he has admitted there is a problem and opened up to me and is talking to people that understand and I am listening to whats going on we are getting along 500% better. As long as we work together and have the same aim in mind which is to be together then I know we can make it through this.

He now has to learn to deal with life like a normal person, now his security blanket has gone and its been there for 15 years its a big step for him, he can't hide or mask his feelings and is having to deal with things he has hidden from for years, low self esteem, being hard on himself, being a perfectionist etc. Smoking isn't his issue it was just the tool he used to cover up his issues, alot that stem from his father leaving him and his mother when he was young.

A friend said after a BBQ at the weekend that he seemed better although he was now more direct with his thoughts and comments and sense of humour. However what our friends will now realise is they actually have never known him, this is the person I know, I love and married and its time he let others see who he is and stopped hiding in this shell he had created around him. He's a great guy, full of love, driven, motivated and has a wicked sense of humour he has just spent the majority of his life thinking people will think he is weird, or strange, or not get his sense of humour. When in fact he will realise that the glimpses that people do get of the real person inside they love, what they and i don't like is the person he protrays - a shy, moody, miserable, withdrawn character.... which hides under a blanket of smoking, isolating and withdrawing from the world.

I have been to a online FA meeting and a face to face one and not found what I am looking for, i know addiction is addiction regardless but I need to speak to people that I can identify with, that understand what I am going through supporting my husband and what he is going through realising there is a whole world out here for him to enjoy.

Thank you needabreak and Cannabis Rehab Admin for taking the time to speak with me, for making me feel i am not insane or going through this alone!!!

**needabreak** · 05-27-2009, 11:52 AM

thanks lostandconfused-he's very lucky to have u standing beside him-too many people are left to sink-no one starts smoking with the plan that it'll finish them depressed, unsure of them selves and just with a while negative view on the world-but that can change-and for u is changing-

be waware that he'll be irrationasl (one time i was so low wen i stopped that my thoughts wer-at least wen i was smoking i was doing something!) he'll be emotional-and things that have been ther for years will start to surface-stuff he'll not fully understand at the start-but its a learning thing-dont keep telling him he's doin brilliant-or ask how he is every minute-i mean its important that he knows u support him-that ur with him-it can just be a bit mental sometimes-i mean i think most of us wi problems with pot think that it has left us a bit insane-and i for one always wondwer if it'll ever go-it will go-not in a fanfare-it'll drift off like a stick in a river sometime-we'll try to see it go and b4 we know it we'll not be able to see that major problem we once had-the stick'll merge with the river and disappear-and hoprully it'll leave me behind-it'll leave him behind-the person we wer was b4 we fell aparft-go at it more along the lines of how u are-how u feel-sometimes in a relationship two people will have problems-stuff bothering them-it can be like a race to say whats wrong with u-think about wat's wrong with me-it can get too much wen a stoppin smoker might have to explain himself all the time-he's lucky to have u-th hardest thing to do with the person u love is to know u gotta walk away at times and give them space-not forever-just at times-i see ur locked door analogy-its really true-he's lucky ur still knocking-well done dude-

i think yous'll work it out-tell jim how lucky he is to have u standing by him-i was abandoned-and wen i see people down in their luck wi drink or drugs-i always feel for them-cause over time they got abandoned too-i know they have major issues re life etc but wen one feels abandoned it can be a lonely raft with no hope and very forbidding and empty sky-cause smokers smoke and lose all else-but u got the better boat dudes-and i think u'll make it-good luck-to quote a guy i used to work with-keep workin at it dude and it'll work-

**Confusedandlost** · 05-28-2009, 03:29 AM

thanks for your reply and i can see where your coming from but I think it depends on the person, their personality on how you communicate with them while they are going through this. My other half likes to hear I am proud of him, he suffers with low self esteem and it builds him up to hear people tell him how well he is doing and it spurs him on. Its not so much we are telling him we are proud because he has given up smoking but more that he is talking about his feelings, opening up and letting people in - the smoking was just a tool he used to bury his feelings.

I know we will have good days and bad days as we go through this together but thats why you live one day at a time,one hour, one minute at a time then if you have a bad moment the next moment you could turn it all back round.

He went to another NA meeting last night and is finding them hugley beneifical to be talking to others that understand how he is feeling, where he is coming from and the struggles he has.

**tired** · 06-03-2009, 05:44 PM

In your shoes

I so appreciate reading your story because mine is so similar. I have been with my husband for 23 years and he has smoked pot for most of the time. In the beginning, when we were much younger, I just thought he was "layed back". It took me more than 10 years to realize that this wasn't his true personality but he was just stoned. As I have aged, I have become less tolerant of being in a relationship with someone who is high most of the time.

He has quit a few times over the years for an extended length. After he gets through the night sweats, irrational moods, etc., we get to who he really is and guess what - it's great! He is much more sociable and I enjoy his company. When he is stoned there really isn't any "company". On a couple of occasions, when quitting he will replace the pot with alcohol which results in irate tantrums and rage. He has not ever hit me but has damaged property before. The last time he did this we went for marriage counseling because I told him I would not tolerate that.

I feel like a fool because he quite in February and we had gotten to such a nice place where I started to feel a closeness with him that I hadn't felt for a long time. Our relationship was beginning to heal from all the **** we had been through with his quitting and drug and alcohol abuse. I shared with him how much I loved the "new" him and within the week he has started smoking again!! I am fearful that old patterns will return. lt will evolve to him smoking all day long and then going through withdrawals when he is out and then either spending too much money on it or going to that irritable, withdrawn place or worse yet drink! I am so frustrated and on his case most of the time about it. When he is stoned but all he does is smile in response. Sometimes when he is clear he will admit there is a problem but others times he is in denial.

Also....just like your husband he had issues from his childhood (but who didn't) and I think he does have a low self esteem. The marriage counselor told us that pot can cause depression which I thought was very interesting since there seems to be so many similarities in our situations.

I appreciate being able to vent and share here. My family has heard it all and like most don't really understand or get it that marijuana is additive and causes problems in our relationship. My husband also doesn't see it. He tells me there is no difference in him when he is high or not. I say of course there is or you wouldn't smoke if there is no change. Sometimes I feel like I need to just relax but then I feel like I am really sacrificing my happiness.

Happy for the support.

**Confusedandlost** · 06-04-2009, 07:50 AM

Tired ....thank you for your reply in a weird way its comforting to know there are others in the same situation, living the same things and feeling the same things, my husband and I are only 4 weeks in so fairly new to this idea of quitting for good, he is missing it lots and i know hoping one day he can smoke again. The problem with smoking to cover issues and problems is unless those problems get dealt with they never get solved and then another solution to hide from those problems is searched for or they go back to the smoking. My husband and I have been going round and round in circles on this with him giving up for periods of time and then going back to smoking again.

Its only different this time because I walked out and it hit him hard that the smoking would make him lose everything that means everything to him. At this point in his life he hit rock bottom and it had been coming for a long time, he had been miserable for years. My parents stepped in to mediate and my mum who is a recovered alcoholic sat with him and went through the questions on http://www.ukna.org/info/addict.htm and he identified with alot of it. He broke down and was in bits, scared to admit he had a problem, scared of losing me and not knowing what to do. At this point I knew I had to give him a chance to sort himself out and support him in doing it, but with tough boundaries... he knows if he starts smoking again I'll be gone.

We had a conversation the other day in regards to a music festival we are attending in July and he gingerly tried to suss out if i would be fine with him smoking there, which i am not. He has a support network now from going to his meetings and when he mentioned it they laughed and said "i can't believe you even asked that, if i asked that all hell would break loose!".

Each week that goes by, each meeting he attends he grows stronger and you can see the fog clearing and the brain working through stuff he has buried for years.... we had good days and we have bad days and i'm not always as supportive as i can be.... as funnily enough i have my own issues too now, issues relating to being scared that it will still all go wrong, sometimes not having the patience i should, expecting things to improve to quick, trying to run before we can walk etc. But we are working together, he is supporting me and i am supporting him so we will see.... one day at a time is all you can do.... if he has fallen of the wagon so to spk this week, speak to him, tell him how it makes you feel and explain the consequences should it continue... that way he is clear on things. Then stand by those rules there can be no grey areas, if he then decides to stop again, move on, don't dwell on it, its a new day a new start and yesterday is gone.

A saying i like alot is:
"God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference."

Live one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time that way its always easy to move on. We get one shot at life and it needs to be happy for everyone... i know without my other half I would be miserable and yes i would probably get over it but i'd rather work my hardest to make it work and then at least if it doesn't i can say at least i tried.

**Confusedandlost** · 06-13-2009, 04:46 AM

been a little while since my last post and I thought i'd update on how things are going.

Things had been great, we went away on holiday to devon and spent some lovely quality time together. However when we came back he had a few bad days. Not bad in the sense that he started smoking again but he started feeling down, beating himself up, being hard on himself and thinking negatively. The problem is this is normally when he would pick up a smoke to cover over the feelings that he doesn't know how to deal with. I was driving home from work on wednesday and saw him sitting in a lay by on the way home, immediately i turned round and went to see him. I found him in tears, saying he hoped i'd see him and stop.

He was feeling that he is just exisiting, that all his thoughts are negative, that he still craves badly for a smoke and that he feels bad telling people how he is feeling because he doesn't want to bring them down. I spent time with him in the car supporting, listening to him. Telling him how well he is doing, in four weeks since he quit this is the first day he has had like this, normally it would be at least 2/3 a week. He also spent time talking to his NA members, and my mum who all told him the same thing. The crux of the problem at the moment is that although he knows he needs to give up smoking and can see the benefits, he feels better, hes happier so in turn our relationship is a lot better, he's been doing it for me.... hes got to do it for himself and thats what he is struggling with because his nature has always been to do things for others and never for himself. He's realised this now and is focusing on finding the strength from within to beat this and things and he is feeling more positive now about it all.... but i know we will have more days when he is down, i know the journey is going to be long and twisty but i have faith we will make it eventually.

The NA meetings are a god send, allowing him to met others who support him, understand the feelings he has and allow him to feel them. I'm finding posting on here and speaking to others that have been or are going through the same things helps clear my head and allows me to be strong and support him. Its so much easier now we have found the problem as it allows me to detach it a way and not take things personally when he is down, not letting his moods affect mine. This used to be a big problem, he'd be down but tell me nothing was up when clearly there was. I'd keep asking trying to find out, he would withdraw more, i'd get upset and the cycle would continue.

**needabreak** · 06-13-2009, 04:12 PM

my guess is on another day he'd a bypassed that layby and went and did the very thing thats getting him down-he looked for ur help in a way that was subtle-not by phoning and arranging to meet but living in the hope u'd see him-i'm glad u did-inside our heads can be mental-both smoking and stopping-that release he'da got telling u in the car could be a new part of healing-getting it out-u'v been great for him-i'm proud of u thst ur doing wat ur doing-that's special-

hug him for no reason-its important-he'll keep getting better-feeling better-if he cant see the point of doing it for himself its hard to inject that inner sustenance-the more time he spends stopped the more that cloudy picture will settle-good luck dudes-ur an inspiration to others of how to move forward-

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