hi me-always remember wat it did....

[needabreak]

why is stopping smokin dope so hard??i used to drink too much and stopped one time-and found it so easy-but that was after 100 attempts and taking it to extremes-but th last time it was like stopping smokin f'ags and th urge/crave/addiction just disappeared-that need for me to get bolloxed just evaporated-but i turned it into a dope problem-so i'm not sure if it ever went away-but i know deep down that it has-my craze for class A drugs went away too-at one point it was me at crisis level as per usual-all them things went and i moved into stoned land permanently-

my smoking career started at university-it made me sick-getting stoned with strangers just fried my head-not long after that i spent a summer in london and we smoked all summer-not all day-but every night-i went a nonsmoker and got my first pack of f'ags on the boat home-that was 22 years ago-i was a casual smoker then-as we all are at the start-i find it hard to pin point the place wer it became a problem-it became a problem wen i got into a tough profession, had a wife and kids and normality-thats wen the problem arose-it was so gradual-but i always had my pot-then wen my marriage fell apart and i went from being a full time husband and father to being a part time dad that the problems arose-i smoked drank and took class A drugs like ther wasnt goin to be a tomorro-i didnt care-i lost interest-i went down hill-i was in such a mess then people close to me thought it was heroin-it was bad-

wen i stopped drinking one day i turned to pot-it filled my life-like a liquid seepin into a jar and filling up every space it cud-not in a burst of lightening-so gradual-people slipped away-filled in space wi dope-places didnt matter anymore-i just got stoned-i can safely say that in the last 7 years of being not drunk i turned everything to pot-i got depressed-i was always negative-i had an attitude with the world caus it couldnt handle me-but thats not right-i couldnt handle the world-and the more i couldnt handle the world the more i smoked-round and round and round-ther's church bells clang round wer i live every sunday-for an hour!every sunday i'd be hoping that by the next sunday and bell time i wouldnt be like this anymore-but it always was-i reckon for longer than a year i didnt hear them bells at all-do i want to remind myseld continually how empty life is-my sons would stay-i'd smoke-they'd go-i'd smoke til they got back again-be that for a day or a week or watever length of time it was-depressed-black-sad-lonely-lost-umemotional-numb-so mixed up inside i couldnt care-didnt care-my kids wer wee then and didnt see wat was hapnin-neither did i-

this year i'v been smokin for half of it and quit the other half-this trying to stop is worse than not caring-thats why its so easy to go back to it-to get wasted and give up and just say fu'ck it-enough-some days suicide seemed the best option-other days just to disappear and never come back-other times just hide in the house and get wasted-20 joints a day i was at-never just a normal problem-i had to be extreme-that bulging part at the top the spine-that inner emptiness-throat raw-chest raw-fingers brown wi hash-a strange lump of hard dead skin inside my thumb-i was a critical something-if u see a problem infront of u dont forget and hope it goes away-it wont-

the hardest part of stoppin smokin dope is facing life not stoned-gradually all the good goes and the sh'it is wat remains-that pile of sh'it i'm left with seemed too muvch at times-like i couldnt get past it-we have to realise exactly wer we are before we know how to get out of ther-i mean-see wat we have done to life and fu'cked it up so bad that ther seems no going back-wen i lost hope-that was such a sinkin feeling-of inevitability-like bein in a hot see bein circled by sharks and knowing that ther is no hope-thats wer i was-

i was lucky-i found this forum-and the people on it-i know they saved my life-i couldnt do it alone-it was too much-it was too hard-learning here that other people have the same issues as me-same troubles-same hopelessness at times-thats wats helpded me get thro-today's day 7 of this new quit-its going good but i'm cryig right now-but its still going good-its better than it was-cause the was mighta meant me not being here and my sons not having the hero they think i am-its hard to turn it around dudes-but we can turn it around-its tough times-its getting rid of the unemotional mess i was-finding a place to bury that guy and so that i can be free-i'm hoping to be free-i want to be free-i need to be free-it just that sometimes that aint enough-we need to think about wer we'r at-and how we can get out-dont give up dudes-if a hopeless case like thinks ther's hope then ther must be-

second week free starts tomorro-but i'm focusing on the end of week one-thats the bit thats here right now-and with golden help i got this far-so can u no matter how hopeless it'll seem at times-

u gotta accept deep down in ur soul that dope is fu'ckin up ur life-that its ****in up the real u-the one thats locked inside-that ur brain is addicted to that buzz of numbness-that u got dragged right down into an impossible abyss-and u couldnt see the way out-becaus ther was no way out-addiction is sh'it-the blackness it makes me feel makes me fall crumble and fall apart-but in all my blackness i learned the guitar-its the only good out of all this and i'm going now to play it to myself and cry for a while-this 'll go away if i keep trying-

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Ur great

Hi Needabreak,

Thank you for posting this buddy. It articulates perfectly the struggle some can have with pot..and themselves. I really think that others will find it a big help and encouragement to read and know that all the things they're enduring...all the things they feel about themselves and the world are a normal part of it all....no matter how much it truly sux!!! I'm glad CannabisRehab.org has someone like u here to show others the way. Your strength, courage and honesty always amaze me...u have a way with words mate, u really do. Congratulations on how far u'v come..I'm proud of u for sticking with it and using your pain to help others...ur a truly unique and special person. Peace and best wishes

[bongwater]

hi needabreak,

you're right it's all about this unemotional mess, the mixed up emotions and especially lack thereof... and it didn't really dawn on me till now that the pain that comes with not smoking isn't bad as it can be used creatively. The pot took away the guitar from me, contrary to you (the only thing years of smoking have given me is the ability to roll perfect joints. talk about return on investment.... ), but as I think of breaking this ice-barrier of numbness the guitar might be a good ally...thanks for reminding me that the pain too can be used, it's only numbness that kills.

all the best

bw

[needabreak]

not as mad as yesterday, but still mad

I sorta changed threw the night-today’s my 5th day clean and I finally feel okay-for the first time in a week-lots of things from the rehab group have been flying round my head and I didn’t know how to work them out-charlie 108 asked the question –are u happy-no I wasn’t-there are far too many things in my life that I’v let slide-that I didn’t care enough about –I worried about everything and cared about nothing-I just anted that comfort zone-that not need to care zone wer it don’t matter-that aint no way to live-today I’m gona start caring again-I’m just awake-its 5.24am-I was awake for 2 days b4 I slept last night-I was wrecked-even tho I only got a few hours sleep I got a good sleep-its nice to feel okay-I’m too excited to sleep now-

I’v thought and thought in a crazy mixed up way about my addictions-not about wat they do to me-or how they make me feel-but why I do them-I do them to tune out from a world in which I wasn’t happy in-my worlds turned to sh’it and I have to start unsh’itting it-and that doesn’t mean stop smoking-or stop anything else-well it does-but there’s more to the solution than that-I have to start to change how my brain works-I have to change how I react to the world-cause all the things that I don’t like are still gona be there-I just have to start accepting them-and changing things that I can-there are so many small things that can be changed as I go threw each day-mini things that will help me get more out of this life-for me its high drama on all occasions!!and I like that-for me life aint about wat u do its about how u feel wen ur doing it-feeling is all-far more than ripeness-that’s the end product-getting threw each second in a kind of happy way is much more important than how I’m gona feel by such and such a time-

My addictions have burned an un real reality into my dislocated brain-I have to start changing those patterns-that starts now-by lots of little things-I’m addicted to pot now and forever-one smoke of it will lead to 20 joints a day and depression and unfullfillment and being lost and alone with myself-life doesn’t have to like that-friends of mine will say that its only a smoke-dont beat urself up about it-its okay-its not-I need to explain to them exactly how it makes me feel-wat it does to the quality of my life-how I react to it and how it controls wat I do-

I can change it-for the last week I’m normally still awake now ranting at myself etc etc etc-now I’m gona make a cup of tea and watch the dawn-and enjoy it-then I’m gona play a bit of guitar and smile to myself-cause I know that if I accept who i am-if I accept wat I am-then there is a future to look forward to-that I can change things about me-and that starts now-thanks dudes-its the words of everyone on CannabisRehab.org mangled together that helps me to understand these things better-there’s special person out there I’m waiting on-u helped so much the sun wouldn’t shine without u-don’t rush dude-I’ll meet u in ur own good time-we’ll walk this road together and help each other understand-

Right cigs!!ur next for the chop-see!!there’s always feckin something lol its nice to cry from smiling for a change-

Thanks hippychick and bongwater for ur kind words-get back in2 the guitar dude-we both know its so worth it-

[Pipechuffer]

Hi Needabreak,

M8 you covered alot of ground in your first post. Its nice to know im not the only one that feels utter despair at the need to stop. Im glad its going well for you at the mo. Its easy to feel so alone when in the grips of addiction. Im so glad i found CannabisRehab.org as ive never talked about it with anyone really, and it seems to help even thought i only found it yesterday!
With regards to your stopping smoking ciggerettes, have you read 'easy way' by Allan Carr? If you have then nvm but if you havnt i cant recomend it enough. It really is the easiest way in the world to detox ciggs. I smoked em for 15 years. Read the book and stopped over night with no withdrawel symptems what so ever. Sounds to good to be true i know, but it removes your psychological dependence of smoking. Shame it dosnt work for d erb tho

[needabreak]

13 days without pot and feel far far better for it-until now-i'm in the dumps and taking my oil-badly-i'm moody and scunnered and asking myself-wats the point-

despite being like this now i been doing well for the last 2 weeks-doin normal stuff and not spending each day stoned and worryin-someone put a post re gettin a routine and getting up in the morning and bein able to sleep at night which is good-i'm eatin much better-and i'm keeping at this quit-i need to-

i'v read allen carr so many times i gave it away-but i'm smokin far less fa'gs-less than 20 a day which is brilliant (for me!) thanks for the tip anyway-words of encouragement are good-my focus for now is not smokin pot and getting on with life-thats a good time filler-sometimes i sit in the dark and smoke and just sit-it relaxes me-and i'm also acceptin wats wat cause i need to-keep at ur quits dudes-it'll work out-but also think about wat u need to change-ther's more to it than just stoppin smokin pot-that on its own aint enough-

hope this aint depressed anyone stoppin-its just now i feel sh'itty-th other 99% has been all good-and will get better-hang in ther dudes

[needabreak]

its nearly 3 weeks for me again-groundhog day or wat-last night i went into such a downer i nearly cracked-i'm so glad today i didnt-the reason for why i nearly did was i was in such a downer-feelin lost-full of self pity and angry-i just decided to ride it out and today i feel so much better-otherwise i'd be blastin now and feelin worse and back to day 1-that wouldnt be any good-i gotta take my oil and sort out a few things botherin me instead of doin nought and continuing to worry-

i feel good today-happy days-keep sayin no and those monumental downers will slowly fade (i hope) keep goin dudes-there's feck all else for it

[needabreak]

day 24

today is day 24 pot free-i'v had a tough 3 weeks feelin lost and angry and all things conducive to sayin i'v had enough of this, it dont get better etc etc-and just go back to blastin-but i didnt-during the worst times i just stuck it out for a change-now i feel the benefits-and it even feels good-i feel good-positive and enjoyin life-so i'm gona enjoy it for now-fuc'k it-no point in worrying if i'm gona go back on it or not-i dont feel like i want to-i'll have to see how this final week of detoxin goes-

it aint over yet-one smoke and i'd be back to day 1-and i felt like a big pile of sh'ite then-i'm now coming to the part in the challenge wen i fail and end up back wer i started-i need to get it right in my brain that smokin pot does not agree with my chemical makeup-it seems to suit other people i know-but not me-i need to accept it in my head and take my oil-pot just dulls life for me-it dulls me-

since stoppin i still been smoking cigs-i'm not happy with that but i had to-i know that if i stopped nicotine as well i'da been back on the pot in no time-so i'm still a smoker-i decided that its one thing at a time-emptying my system of two things at once was just too hard-some people can-i cant-one thing at a time-pot-it depresses me-over the last 3 weeks i got to feelin i'm depressed anyway so why not just go back to smoking-i still felt bad-the only difference being that i wasnt stoned 24/7-but now after this break i'm startin to feel better-now i know wat addiction is-b4 i didnt-pot is my addiction-one smoke will lead to all the rest and i need to say no-take my oil-being able to look life and people in the eye will take more of getting used to-but hiding away is not the way to be anymore-it suited then-not now-i thought the sick depression feelin wasnt goin to go away-it has a bit-i cant take it for granted that its gone completely-i hope it has-i hope the mountains of depression are turning to mere hills-i'll have to see how it goes-

but its good now at last-i feel happy-that was day5 big change-and now week 4 another change-and all for the better-hooray-hang in ther dudes at the start-for those first couple of weeks-it will be worth it no matter how big a hopeless case u might think u are-ther was no bigger hopeless case than me and i feel like tomorrow will be good-fingers crossed

[slowly]

Big Grats man , i look up to you ,3 weeks is alot of time ,and since you made it this far ,stick to it.

I feel you,i know how it is,im only few days clean but my goal is to keep it up as long as possible.

You speak deep and truly , always remember how much you've lost bec of this high and in craving times try to run in your mind over and over again.

You're doing great,no doubt you've show will and strength to keep it up bro.

Peace and keep it up !

[needabreak]

cheers slowly-i appreciate that dude-ur doin great-i dont understand friends(!) ie ballbags who disrespect an individual's decision-that doesnt make sense-know wat ur at-know how it had a bad affect on u and stick to ur guns-time shows us all who's a friend and who aint-time will also get u threw this-it'll take about a month-i aint a god person but ther's a lot to be said for the timescale of abstaining in the desert for 40 days-after 40 days its out of ur system and u'll be beginning to re-evaluate life-u might have some bad days, or even weeks but the inner sick feelin will go-just give it time dude and u'll be fine-

[f*ckmaryjane]

Nice one!!!

Nice one needabreak. Big yourself up dude....

Your posting have been a great help to, reading them has been great for me!!!

Respect...

[slowly]

Yea,reading your posts really gave me hope and motivation to continue.
Even tho we don't know each other i feel in same boat as you guys,we gotta be strong and our hearts are in right place at last,after all this time,
we need to keep this up !

Peace and love , keep your heads up , you're in my thoughts !

[needabreak]

up urs pot

thats 28 days done-672 hours-40,320 seconds-who's countin!

now 28 days later i feel far better-i still got things to deal with that arnt pot centred but so has everyone out ther-now i can at least start to think about the best way to sort them-

28 days ago i was in a bad way-over the last few weeks i was in a bad way-it took til this last week for my doom and gloom centerd brain to start to be a bit more positive-i say a bit-thats not totally true-it has changed for the better so much dudes-

now-life feels good-i think i can move forward-i dont have a worried sick feeling anymore-i got scunnered earlier today but it was no way like it was b4-i just felt a bit lost-it wasnt the end of the world as we know it-i feel fine-blips will happen-thats life-

then-suicidal pointlessly monotonously feelin bad-right down inside me-all through me-no matter how bad i looked on the outside-inside was far worse-that despair has lifted-thank fu'ck-

i had thought of goin to my doctor for something to make me feel better-but it wouldnt have been real-i knew i had to ride out the detoxin period on nothing or i wouldnt know exactly how a pot free me would have felt like-now i do-i'm not goin to the docs-i'm gona get on with things as best i can-and see wer it takes me-

the depression was the worst part of it-and feelin like i had drove myself insane-now after 4 weeks i'm better-i not foolish enough to think it might never come back-but its been gone now for a few days-its been a long long time since i felt ok for a few days in a row-the deprssion will lift dudes-if its not 4 weeks it'll be 6 or 8-in the space of a lifetime that isnt a long time-wen it gets tough u have to stick it out-u have no choice-stickin at ur quit will make u feel better-any of u in black dispair i was there-i thought there was no way out-there is-wat ur doin now is the path back to u-wen we mes up our lives and persevere to fix it ourselves then we become better people-we can get strength from all the sh'it we thought was never gona end-it can end-it will end if u keep at it-there will come a point wen ur brain will have had enough-u'll think its too hard-its not-u gotta keep sayin no and u will regain the u u left so many years ago-lie down in a heap or cry or scream or roll from side to side-just know that despair will pass-there'll come a point wen u'll know u got it beat-u will start to feel better-never give up on urself-believe in urself-if this hopeless case can do it so can u-i hope u do-u gotta believe that u wer wasting urself away wen u spent each day stoned-u smoked the pot-then it smoked u-and unless u stop it'll waste u away-and ther aint much fun in that dudes-i know-i was ther-and i was miserable-miserable aint a big enuff word for how bad i felt-

tomorro or now starts the final bit of my quit-gettin on with life not high-who knows wat it'll bring-both good and bad-but i know that ther is stuff life will bring to me-wen i was stoned i had nothing-now ther's hope-hope for me-and hope for u-know ur doing the right thing-believe in ursself-stick with it-it will get better-if u dont believe in urself u will if u stay strong-i did-and i believe this to be one of the biggest achievements of my life-and i intend to remember-cause if i dont i'll fall back in-and i seen enough of that sh'it-i know u all have too-cause we'r all the same-we messed ourselves up-we can make ourselves better again-4 weeks and things'll seem better-u'll think more of urself-it'll be worth it-

bring it on dudes-i like to think i'm ready for wats next

thanks to my quitting buddy-the BFB-everyone who's contributed to the rehab group and all u guests who read and appreciate-together we can dio it-U CAN DO IT-IT CAN BE DONE DUDES-

[slowly]

Big Big Grats mate ,28 days-that's very respectable number !

Keep strong and keep that positive mind-set,road is still long but you're right on course !

Peace !

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

computer broke?

what happened after 28 days?? relapse? one thing people don't understand is that pot doesn't change who you are, it only changes your perception... 28 days is a start but yo have to start doing positive things not just quit doing the one thing you enjoyed and expect you're going to feel great again