Just found out my husband has a real problem with cannabis......

[Bewildered]

Hi,

I first found out my husband smoked pot after we were married and when I was 8 months pregnant. That was over a year ago.

Since then he has promised time and time again to give it up. The last time I caught him smoking I told him he would have to let me go (ie. break up) if he did it again. He has done some really stupid things when he is supposed to be looking after our baby and I just can't have her life risked because of him.

Anyway, I caught him at 9am on Sunday morning smoking when he was supposed to be looking after our bub. He had left her in the house to go outside and smoke while I was in the shower. He confessed for the first time that he has been smoking for 15 years and that he has an addiction.

I guess the hardest thing for me right now is that I didn't know he was a smoker when we got married. I'm not saying things would have been different but at least I would have known. I feel so deceived and feel like I don't really know the person I married. I know drugs can make you lie but our whole relationship is now built on lies.

He told me the last 5 or 6 times he had promised not to do it again that he didn't take my threats seriously.

He's now said he will go and get counselling and he seems determined to give up, but then again he was the last few times as well.

I'm so confused right now. Even if he does give up I don't know that I will ever trust him or have faith in him, because he's never 'not lied' to me.

I've given up so much of my life to be with him, have started a business based around his skills, everything is always about him. Now he lies to me, has lied to me our whole relationship, risks my babie's life - a few times, and I am expected to support him through this in the hope that he won't turn around in a couple of years and take it up again.

Sorry - it's just with the lies I don't know what I would be fighting for now....

Thanks

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi Bewildered welcome.

I am very sorry to hear about your situation. I can’t tell you whether you should be with this man or not, only you can decide that for yourself. It’s always hard to tell whether somebody means it when they say they want to quit, some mean it and some don’t, I suppose all you can do is see if they make good on their promise, which I know is hard if they have said it before and not done it. But when conquering an addiction a lot of people don’t always achieve it the first time they try, that’s just the nature of addiction, very often it does take a number of attempts and just because they have not achieved it the first couple of times, does not mean that they won’t get there in the end, but they have got to be serious and not just be telling you what you want to hear, they have got to take you seriously, which like he says he has not in the past. If he knows you mean business this time maybe he will. Anyway like I say whether you decide to stick with him or not is something that only you can decide, I suppose it kind of depends on how much harm you think it is doing you, how are you coping? Do you think you can ride it out for a little while longer? He has agreed to get counselling so in that respect at least he is willing to try, which is something and an important step for many in overcoming an addiction, he will most likely will need some sort of support other than just yourself.

You have my deepest sympathy, addiction affects so many other people as well as the person who is addicted. I hope we can be of some support.

Take care and thank you for sharing your story.

All the best and please keep us posted on how it goes.

[Bewildered]

Thanks so much BFB. Do you know of any books I could read that may help me understand? Just trying to work out what I can do.....

Thanks again

[TheDude]

Sorry about your situation.

It is important that you take care of yourself, because the most you can do for your husband is just be patient and don't enable him to use. The ball is in his court now. It's good you have communicated with him about what you need in the marriage.

As far as the lying, drugs never made me lie. I let myself lie, just as I let myself get high all the time. It has taken me more than just quitting pot to make changes in my life- it has taken a change in the way I live my life so I don't use. Not using is a prerequisite for an addict's honesty.

I hope you do what you need to do for you and take care of you. Keep the communication open.

Keep us posted.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

I can’t personally recommend any particular books, but I did find this amazon webpage on books for Family Members of Addicts.

Take care

[Bewildered]

Thanks for your support TheDude. It is true I suppose, that he made himself lie, not the drugs making him lie. I would like to think it was the drugs.

I need to find the strength to give him one more chance. After all, he adores his little girl and she adores him. Hard to break that up. But have given him so many chances and I feel so betrayed.

He's staying at his mates house while I work out what to do and it has been lovely and quiet and easy without him and his dramas here. But we do miss him.

BFB - thank so much for the webpage. There are so many books there that look relative. Thanks!

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

Idiot

Hi
my frekkn husband of 20years has lied to me non stop over the year!! They are lies of multiple affairs(sex addiction) including escorts? I have know and been with this ******* ever since I was 16. He lies about money. He has secret accounts. Doesn't pay our bills never on time it's enbarassing. And get this he is a CEO of a top 20 company!! Those female excutives are probably doing him too as he turns on the charms so easily !