I am the girlfriend of a marijuana user, and I am looking for support and answers on what I should do. Stick with him? Walk away? I am in love with this man very, very much, and from the bottom of my heart, I want to stand by my man. Here's our story (as short as possible):
We've been in a long distance relationship for about a year and get to see one another every couple of months. From pretty early on, we fell head over heels. He talked about how I was the one and how he wanted to have kids with me, and once told me that I made him want to be a better man. He did share with me early on that he smoked marijuana once in a while, and the longer the relationship has gone on, it seems clear to me that it's more than "once in a while." Of course, being long distance, the relationship consists of a lot of phone time. For the first half or more of the relationship, we talked all the time. Then a few months back, we went through a period of time where he did not call me for a number of days. Of course, I was worried that he was no longer interested in me. After reconnecting, he assured me that it wasn't me, he loves me, just been working doubles and tired and what have you. This periods of phone absence went on and off for the past few months...mostly just two days at a time...and I was always reassured when we spoke again that it wasn't our relationship. He made it very clear to me by saying that he absolutely loves me and wants us to be together. In the past six months or so, we decided that I would be moving to him sometime this fall. As recently as a week and a half ago, we were ironing out the logistics of my move.
Flashback: my last visit to him was mid-June, and it was the first time that he smoked pot in front of me. He's known all along that I am not thrilled with it. We talked about it, and he said that he's done it for a long time (decades), and that it's very under control, that he smokes because he likes it and that he's not addicted to it. He said that I have to accept it because he's not going to detox for someone else and that if he ever were to detox it would be because he decided to and not because I asked him to. That actually makes perfect sense to me because I believe the addict has to want to detox if it will ever stick. Anyhow, he knows that I smoked a tiny bit in high school (decades ago) and that I chose not to smoke any longer, but I told him that I am OK with his smoking from time to time if he isn't dependent upon it, and I also told him that I do not judge him for it or think less of him for it. He said he appreciated that very much. Also while I was visiting, we talked about those times when he went "absent" over the phone, and I told him how that scared me and made me feel like he was about to break up with me. He told me that I have to get that out of my head because he absolutely doesn't want to break up with me and loves me. He told me that "he met the most wonderful person and that he doesn't want to screw it up!" So now, flash forward...
After my recent visit, the next two weeks were great. We had a great visit and we talked on the phone a lot after the visit, including talking about and getting excited about moving forward with my move so that we could be a couple in the same place and not long distance anymore. Then, the absence started again. I would call and leave a message to say "hello and that I love you" or send an "I love you and miss you" text which he usually responds to, but a few days went by and nothing. I tried to be patient and give him space if he wanted it, but after three days, I left him a message to say that "I missed his voice and wanted to reconnect. Please call me when you can...I love you" He did call that night, but I missed his call because I was at an event. I called when I was on my way home and said a simple "Sorry I missed your call. Call me back as soon as you can. Want to reconnect! Love you!" He didn't call back, and after a few days, I really started to worry. I know he works every Sunday, so I left him a tearful message when I thought he'd be on his way to work this past Sunday morning. In a nutshell, I said I was worried about him. Was he OK? Were we OK? Please send me a text if you can't call. I miss you!" About an hour or so later, I got a text in which he called me by my nickname and said he was ok and that we are ok, that he missed me and that he'd call me during a break.... He did NOT call that day, nor the rest of the next day. I tried calling him a few times, and he would not call back. I left him a very long message saying a lot of what I wanted to say. I asked for him to dig deep and to just call me and explain what was going on. I had a very big meltdown that evening and tried him again and left another message asking him to just at least text me letting me know if he wanted to continue with our relationship or not and that he needed to let me know one way or another. He did not call back or text back, and he sent my calls into his voicemail. The following day (this past Tuesday), I sent him a very long, very heartfelt email letting him know that I am not sure why he is unable to reach out to me but that I believe in him and in us, and that I am not letting go of hope for us. I told him that if he needed to lay low for a few days and sort things out, that he should take some time and that I'd be as patient as possible and not call him for a while. I told him that I still believed that he loved me and that all of this was related to other pressures and stresses in his life, and that all I want to do is lend him my support. I did say that I wanted him to call me in a week or two, if that's what he needed, but that at some point we need to talk.
So, he has not contacted me still at all, and I've cried A LOT. My very closest girlfriends have been pillars of strength for me and said that they'd support me no matter what I decided. We have spent a lot of time dissecting what this could all be about. These friends have all had firsthand experience with addicts and all agree that these are signs of addictive behavior. I think the closer we got to my moving to him, the more stress he might be under because maybe he doesn't want to disappoint me with his habit. Maybe he's feeling more financial pressures (I know this to be the case) and has been using more than usual to feel less stressed out. these are all just guesses and theories of mine. The bottom line is... I LOVE THIS PERSON. He's an amazing human being. So loving to me, so warm and kindhearted. I believe that he wants a family, I believe that he wants his career to improve and not be in a financial hole, but I know how stressful all of that can be. I wish he knew just how much I want to love and support him and help him through this, but he won't even call back, so I'm not sure what, if anything, there is for me to do. I'm torn up over this. I finally found the man I wanted to marry, who wanted to marry me, and now all of this. I have no doubt that going down a path with an addict would be a hard one, but I am ready to stand by him through thick and thin. Is there anything I can do...especially if he won't call? I am standing by my email to him of not calling him, but the more days that drift by without hearing from him, the more worried I am that he'll never pick up the phone again.
I would love to hear from other girlfriends out there, BUT I REALLY think hearing from other users to let me know if these behaviors sound like those of an addict, your opinions on what, if anything, I can do? Is it best to leave him alone or would I be better off reminding him from time to time that I still believe in him and stand by our love. I have not told him at all that I think he is an addict. I've come up with this on my own and with my closest friends. I want to be with this person, through good times and bad, and want advice on how to let him see this and that he can trust me with this. PLEASE HELP! Thank you.
We've been in a long distance relationship for about a year and get to see one another every couple of months. From pretty early on, we fell head over heels. He talked about how I was the one and how he wanted to have kids with me, and once told me that I made him want to be a better man. He did share with me early on that he smoked marijuana once in a while, and the longer the relationship has gone on, it seems clear to me that it's more than "once in a while." Of course, being long distance, the relationship consists of a lot of phone time. For the first half or more of the relationship, we talked all the time. Then a few months back, we went through a period of time where he did not call me for a number of days. Of course, I was worried that he was no longer interested in me. After reconnecting, he assured me that it wasn't me, he loves me, just been working doubles and tired and what have you. This periods of phone absence went on and off for the past few months...mostly just two days at a time...and I was always reassured when we spoke again that it wasn't our relationship. He made it very clear to me by saying that he absolutely loves me and wants us to be together. In the past six months or so, we decided that I would be moving to him sometime this fall. As recently as a week and a half ago, we were ironing out the logistics of my move.
Flashback: my last visit to him was mid-June, and it was the first time that he smoked pot in front of me. He's known all along that I am not thrilled with it. We talked about it, and he said that he's done it for a long time (decades), and that it's very under control, that he smokes because he likes it and that he's not addicted to it. He said that I have to accept it because he's not going to detox for someone else and that if he ever were to detox it would be because he decided to and not because I asked him to. That actually makes perfect sense to me because I believe the addict has to want to detox if it will ever stick. Anyhow, he knows that I smoked a tiny bit in high school (decades ago) and that I chose not to smoke any longer, but I told him that I am OK with his smoking from time to time if he isn't dependent upon it, and I also told him that I do not judge him for it or think less of him for it. He said he appreciated that very much. Also while I was visiting, we talked about those times when he went "absent" over the phone, and I told him how that scared me and made me feel like he was about to break up with me. He told me that I have to get that out of my head because he absolutely doesn't want to break up with me and loves me. He told me that "he met the most wonderful person and that he doesn't want to screw it up!" So now, flash forward...
After my recent visit, the next two weeks were great. We had a great visit and we talked on the phone a lot after the visit, including talking about and getting excited about moving forward with my move so that we could be a couple in the same place and not long distance anymore. Then, the absence started again. I would call and leave a message to say "hello and that I love you" or send an "I love you and miss you" text which he usually responds to, but a few days went by and nothing. I tried to be patient and give him space if he wanted it, but after three days, I left him a message to say that "I missed his voice and wanted to reconnect. Please call me when you can...I love you" He did call that night, but I missed his call because I was at an event. I called when I was on my way home and said a simple "Sorry I missed your call. Call me back as soon as you can. Want to reconnect! Love you!" He didn't call back, and after a few days, I really started to worry. I know he works every Sunday, so I left him a tearful message when I thought he'd be on his way to work this past Sunday morning. In a nutshell, I said I was worried about him. Was he OK? Were we OK? Please send me a text if you can't call. I miss you!" About an hour or so later, I got a text in which he called me by my nickname and said he was ok and that we are ok, that he missed me and that he'd call me during a break.... He did NOT call that day, nor the rest of the next day. I tried calling him a few times, and he would not call back. I left him a very long message saying a lot of what I wanted to say. I asked for him to dig deep and to just call me and explain what was going on. I had a very big meltdown that evening and tried him again and left another message asking him to just at least text me letting me know if he wanted to continue with our relationship or not and that he needed to let me know one way or another. He did not call back or text back, and he sent my calls into his voicemail. The following day (this past Tuesday), I sent him a very long, very heartfelt email letting him know that I am not sure why he is unable to reach out to me but that I believe in him and in us, and that I am not letting go of hope for us. I told him that if he needed to lay low for a few days and sort things out, that he should take some time and that I'd be as patient as possible and not call him for a while. I told him that I still believed that he loved me and that all of this was related to other pressures and stresses in his life, and that all I want to do is lend him my support. I did say that I wanted him to call me in a week or two, if that's what he needed, but that at some point we need to talk.
So, he has not contacted me still at all, and I've cried A LOT. My very closest girlfriends have been pillars of strength for me and said that they'd support me no matter what I decided. We have spent a lot of time dissecting what this could all be about. These friends have all had firsthand experience with addicts and all agree that these are signs of addictive behavior. I think the closer we got to my moving to him, the more stress he might be under because maybe he doesn't want to disappoint me with his habit. Maybe he's feeling more financial pressures (I know this to be the case) and has been using more than usual to feel less stressed out. these are all just guesses and theories of mine. The bottom line is... I LOVE THIS PERSON. He's an amazing human being. So loving to me, so warm and kindhearted. I believe that he wants a family, I believe that he wants his career to improve and not be in a financial hole, but I know how stressful all of that can be. I wish he knew just how much I want to love and support him and help him through this, but he won't even call back, so I'm not sure what, if anything, there is for me to do. I'm torn up over this. I finally found the man I wanted to marry, who wanted to marry me, and now all of this. I have no doubt that going down a path with an addict would be a hard one, but I am ready to stand by him through thick and thin. Is there anything I can do...especially if he won't call? I am standing by my email to him of not calling him, but the more days that drift by without hearing from him, the more worried I am that he'll never pick up the phone again.
I would love to hear from other girlfriends out there, BUT I REALLY think hearing from other users to let me know if these behaviors sound like those of an addict, your opinions on what, if anything, I can do? Is it best to leave him alone or would I be better off reminding him from time to time that I still believe in him and stand by our love. I have not told him at all that I think he is an addict. I've come up with this on my own and with my closest friends. I want to be with this person, through good times and bad, and want advice on how to let him see this and that he can trust me with this. PLEASE HELP! Thank you.
Comment