Addicted to weed - help?

[CherryPop]

I smoked the drug most of my life but only seriously when I moved to Brixton a couple of years back and it became really easy for me to get hold of. I'm 31.

I run my own business and tend to have a very active and busy life so I'm often tired and trying to juggle many things at once. At the moment business is expanding which means I'm absolutely broke and am working harder than ever.

By the mid afternoon all I can think about is getting home, lighting a spliff and having a beer. Of course it turns into 3 or 4 of each every night. I avoid going out, seeing friends and going on dates, so I can stay home on my own and get wasted. The next day I wake up lethargic and depressed, the day is really hard as a result and by the afternoon I can't wait to get home and start again.

Every day I wake up and can't imagine why I would ever want to smoke that stuff. I'm convinced I'll never do it again, what was I ever thinking? Sometimes I throw my the drug and cigarettes away, but then in the evening I feel totally compelled to do it and if I haven't got any I just go out and buy more even if I threw it all away that morning. It's like I have no choice at all, I'll do it even if I don't want to because it's become the only thing I know. I feel totally powerless over it and that makes me really depressed because I can't make plans and do what I want with my life. Work, gym, music (I'm a musician), everything suffers. I could be so much and so happy but I just keep ****ing it all up with the weed.

In December as my birthday present to myself I spent £600 on hypnotherapy. For 3 days I couldn't even think about smoking weed, then I was straight back on it again. In January I made a new year's resolution and managed to stay off for a month (I think the hypnotherapy helped) but then one joint and I've been smoking almost every night since. I've been having more and more every evening as my tolerance increases, but somehow I can still tell myself I've got it under control and I'm getting better. Every night I tell myself I'm gonna have one big smoke tonight and then not again, but then it's the same the following night. I tried counselling but that also didn't help; to be fair I think I had totally the wrong counsellor, but now I can't afford to get it again in any case.

I have some wonderful friends who I know will help me through whatever, but I don't even know what to ask them to do for me. The singer in my duo buys me groceries whenever I run out of money, she's even offered to pay for me to go on holiday. I feel so blessed to have the relationships I do and feel I shouldn't need weed, it's like an insult to my friends that I do it.

I work long days with a lot of pressure and have a day off every 2 weeks or so. Every evening I get wasted. Even if I go out and get home late, even if I've been drinking, I still have to stay up smoking and drinking more before I go to bed, so sometimes I only get a few hours sleep or turn up late to work the next day feeling like shit. Lately I'm getting really depressed, I think that no matter how hard I try in anything it won't make a difference, that everything will always go wrong, like there's nothing at all good in my life and the whole thing is pointless. While I'm thinking it another part of me is going 'What!!?' I have my own business doing something I love, I'm talented and have great friends, but all the colour has disappeared. I walk around looking slumped over and miserable all day and if someone tells me to smile I ask them what the hell there is to smile about. Soon I will alienate people and start to drive everyone away from me.

I know part of my problems are because of the long hours and lack of money, but I know it's the drug that stops me dealing with it well, structuring my time, staying positive and seeing the good things. I want so much to stop, but already I'm wondering what's going to happen tonight. I'm a judge at a singing contest tonight and I can already see myself racing off as soon as it finishes to go and get some weed, staying up late getting wasted. I'm meeting my Dad tomorrow morning, I'll be late and let him down and instead of enjoying seeing him I'll be paranoid and feel like shit. I don't want to do any of these things, but when that emotional state comes there's just nothing I can do. I have no strategies, no ways of tackling it. It's like every effort I make in life the drug just kicks me back down again. It's making me so miserable.

I've avoided the 12 step stuff up to now because I don't like the thought that I'm powerless over it, but here I am saying exactly that so maybe time to rethink things. I also hate the religious overtones, I'd rather be a drug addict than a religious. I ordered some books from Amazon and joined this cannabis rehab site but I'm kind of laughing at myself at the same time because I know nothing ever makes any difference.

I'd love to hear from anyone with any comments, advice or just say hi. I don't talk about this and as a result I feel so alone in it. Other people turn up to work hungover and tell stories from the great night out they had. I turn up and try to hide it every day because I don't want to admit I was up till 2am on my own getting mashed. Please, if anyone can help me then do, because I really don't know where to turn.

C

[bongwater]

Cherrypop, I could have written your post word for word so you're really not alone in this... I followed the same routine, and sometimes even coming back home at 3 am I would smoke more, then get up at 7 am to go to work. It's partly addiction partly habit. I might have fallen even went further into self-destruction (because I think that's the bottom line basically: suicide) as I started to have worrying physical and psychological symptoms, which scared me enough to stop because I felt death on my doorstep so to speak. And I'm not talking about panic attacks or paranoia. And I realize that I didn't really want to die. I reached that point where no matter how low my self-esteem was, at my lowest I felt mercy - yes, mercy - for the poor guy I was inflicting this to...and it was nothing like self-hatred, more like compassion, for once. I noticed how much I had changed...how easily I would lie to get out of social events and I really didn't like it. Maybe you're familiar with this. Maybe you've felt that survival instinct kicking in, like when you wake up in the morning convinced you'll never do it again. If I can't be an example then let me be a terrible warning....yeah it can still get so much worse than it is now, I hope you turn back before you reach that miserable point.

As far as being active, after a couple of days without joints I could achieve more in 1 day than I would in a week with the weed. Achievements build us...you will find the strength to "keep stopping" in the newfound pride of living without it, in every little thing you do that you couldn't do. There's no magic formula and I wish there was one so I could give it to you. But you do deserve so much better. You're a musicien and you're working hard, those are things that can help you when the withdrawl strikes. Coming here and posting this already tells me you've reached the point where you feel deep in your gut that this is killing you. Journaling helped me put down everything I knew to be true about this experience, so I wouldn't forget...it changed my focus. You can do it too and become your own hero again and gain enough self-respect day after day to keep going strong.

take care and keep posting...

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi cherrypop welcome.

Oh I know your story all too well, it’s like you were telling my story, or even the story of thousands of stoners out there. Always wanting to stay in by yourself and get mashed, I will quit tomorrow, life passing you by as others live it to the full. This is a story many of us know all too well.

It sounds like you paid a lot for your hypnotherapy, £600 is very expensive. Still if it was helping you probably should stick with it, that’s the thing with hypnotherapy you have to keep using it while you feel you need to, but if I was you I would buy a mp3 download, they are just as effective as going to see an expensive therapist and work in exactly the same way and you can use them as many times as you like, there’s a link at the top of CannabisRehab.org for a download that’s specially designed for cannabis addiction and it will cost you no more than a bag of weed. I have just used their stop smoking one to help me quit the fags and it has helped significantly, obviously will power is still required but it can be a really powerful tool.

I know what you mean about the twelve step program, I don’t like the way it doesn’t cater for those who aren’t religious, kind of unfair and not very inclusive. That said they do a lot of good work and if the religion thing doesn’t bother you they can be a great support mechanism, it’s just a shame that there isn’t a similar support group for atheists. Anyway we won’t force religion down your throat and are just as much for those who don’t believe as those who do.

I too got paranoid and depressed and drove people away, I would also be in a foul mood the next day, which was maybe some sort of come down from the night before, that’s the thing with getting high there’s always the come down.

You are not alone there are plenty here in the same boat, I hope we can offer you some of the support you will need.

Check out our how to detox smoking marijuana post there are lots of useful tips in that.

I was just wondering how you were planning on quitting, slowly tapering off or cold turkeying it?

Thanks for sharing, take care and please keep us posted on how it goes.

[needabreak]

pressure

ur under too much pressure-wen work and life are stretched to the limit it can get too much-too much goin through our brains-loose ends everywhere and a feeling that its all too much-smoke and drink are a release-without a pressure valve-so the pressure can just build up-i spent every extra moment smokin dope-thats wat my nights and days to me wer filled with and it finally drove me bonkers-do u want to stop smokin enough?i mean in the cold light of day do u still have that want to stay clean? one difficult part ur at is appreciateing that ther's a problem-i dont think u'v accepted that fully-

last quit i was on was a few months ago-it took me 5 weeks b4 i realised i'd a bigger problem than i thought-ther's a difference between knowen ur smoking too much and knowing that this stuff has completely taken over-taken over everything-wen i realised this i was afraid-afraid i'd never be able to allow myself the odd smoke-afraid i couldnt sort it out-some of us are islands who need to deal with crap on our own or we feel failures-afraid of accepting stuff about ourselves that we dont like-i think i'v accepted stuff now-that for me wat i was doin (while under pressurre) consumed all the good in me and left me an unemotional mess-i ended up not goin out-cause i knew people wer thinkin "smile, its not that bad" it was that bad-inside me had died-i was a shell goin nower and filling up with depression-

sometimes in life we gotta take things straight up the bake-and it might not be easy but it needs to be done-in order for us to feel better-if there are things in ur life that make u feel bad then u have to consider them-how u do them-how u feel doin them-why u do them-and how u can stop-realising ur addicted is not easy-no matter how much it has already consumed ur life its an eye opener to fully understand how much it controls u-seeing that this addiction is u-as big a part of u as eating and sleepin-knowin ther's a problem is phase one-now u gotta think about wat the next thing should be-its start learnin a bit more about urself or continue on feelin as u do-

i was a mess smokin 20 joints a day-i'm now into month 2 free-i was hopeless and have been lucky to pull it around-u can be lucky too-but u need to accept stuff about urself and decide something needs to done-i stopped and stuck to my quit despite the first month being tough-and now i feel far better-i'v further to go- but i'm not goin back-i felt too bad then-i cant go back to feelin as empty as i did then-good luck dude-i hope u work it out-keep us posted-we all need th encouragement of each other to see it through-

[pursuit of happiness]

I feel your story man. It hits home for everyone here. Im on day three and when i say its tough, its ****ing tough!!!! Guess what though, if you stop smoking. One thing will happen. You will feel better.and you will not feel hopeless and depressed. I feel depressed but its only day three, and i have to hang in there. Like alot of people have told me, feeling depressed is a given when youre hiding behind a substance so when you stop, expect it to be hard but like so many people on CannabisRehab.org say, it will get better. Its all up to you.!!! And never forget that.

[CherryPop]

Guys thank you all so much for posting, I can’t describe how much it means to me to know that there are others out there who understand and want to help. It sucks because you can’t really talk to people about it except close friends, and even then they don’t get it, they just say ‘well if you don’t want to do it then just don’t.’ It’s like a compulsion, you know. When I’m walking to get the drug it’s not my feet walking, it’s someone else moving them who’s more powerful than I am.

So I managed 2 days, which I tend to manage every couple of months or so, then last night I caved. I had a tough day at work, argued with my Dad, then he asked me for a beer. I knew if I went for a beer after a day like that I was going to end up blazing but it was worth it to patch things up after arguing. My friend came and joined us. She’s so sweet, we went home on the tube together and she was trying to persuade me not to smoke when I got in, said she’d come back with me and stay till I was asleep, but I’d made up my mind. Went to bed about 1, woke up at 5 and couldn’t sleep, was in work at 9 to run a recording studio party for 13 hyperactive 8 year old girls on 4 hours sleep. There’s a lesson there…

So today I took the rest of the drug to work and left it there. Man it was hard not to bring it home, I worked 12 hours today with just a 10 minute break for lunch. But I feel so amazingly happy that I was able to leave it behind. I think it’s the first night ever I’ve had the drug and not smoked any. Really, the happiness is amazing. It’s like a massive weight off my shoulders just knowing I can do that even just for one day. I feel so good. Believe me I was tempted, I almost automatically went to get it as I was leaving. I felt totally scared to leave it behind, proper lump-in-my-throat fear.

I’m taking every day as it comes and hadn’t even thought about cold turkeying or tapering off. Including tonight I’ve had 3 weed-free nights this week and that’s a record for the last 6 months. I’m gonna smoke tomorrow, kind of a deal I made with myself for tonight. My goal is to go 3 nights in a row without smoking, and to have 2 weed-free nights every week. Goals have to be accessible, once I reach there I can decide where I want to get to next.

I downloaded a self-hypnosis recording and it’s really making a difference. It totally changes my frame of mind and makes the cravings go away completely. But I need constant reinforcement. I’ve realised I kind of go through the day getting more and more stressed and angry and when I get home it’s built up so much that I just have to get stoned. The only way I can beat it is to stay calm throughout the day so I’m trying hard to do that. I meditate in the morning, listen to hypnosis on the tube, and then again about 5-6pm whenever I can. When I start thinking about the drug I just push it out of my head and think about something else, and when I start getting stressed I take some deep breaths and calm down.

Like something Bongwater said I’m getting more pride and self-respect. Tomorrow is a huge day at work and a big event in the evening. I could blaze tonight, turn up late, grumpy and useless, let my colleagues and friends down and be a pain in the ass for everyone, or I can get a decent night’s sleep, turn up on time and be the leader I’m supposed to be. I’m realising there’s a lot I don’t like about myself and I have a lot of growing up to do. It’s tough but at the same time every character flaw I suddenly notice in myself is like a breath of fresh air. Generally it’s the end of blaming someone else for something and realising I can do something about it myself. Not smoking the drug is starting to look like a more attractive idea.

On the other hand I’m reading the posts on here, watching documentaries and stuff about addicts, and it’s changing my perception of smoking from something that’s cool and fun to something that’s dangerous and stupid. All good. Needabreak has been very perceptive though, I want to get my smoking under control so I can enjoy it when I want, I don’t want to detox completely. Maybe that’ll change along the way. All I’m really thinking about right now is not feeling like shit all the time.

I’ve written a ton and I have to go. Thanks again everyone who posted. I read over the rehab group every lunchtime to remind myself what I’m doing, it’s easy when a busy day carries you away to start thinking about smoking later, it’s not a big deal, I’ve earned it and so on, and just taking 10 minutes to go back over your replies keeps me thinking the right thoughts. I’ll keep updating.

Much love and peace

C

[Natalie]

WOW your story sounds very much like me, exactly actually. I have a baby boy now though so cant stay up so late like i used to or go out!!. the drug you smoke is it skunk or sold? I'm a green girl myself,and its strong stuff these days and sooo addictively moorish no? It controls my life and i hate it, allthough i love it too, i am 34 and have smoked since the age of.....thinking give me a minute. hahaha..15 years, but never as much as i smoke now, it used to be the odd joint now and then!! what happened to me ifeel like i'm waisting my life away smoking, tried to detox yesterday and lasted till2pm!!! i feel so pathetic and upset with myself, had to go get some more. I now fell depressed because i failed again. please try and quit, i am on anti depressants now, whether its down to the drug i dont know, well i know its not good. I have had a terrible 8 years with my 12 year old daughter, she is mentally ill and life has been hard, i never smoked when i was pregnant with her so that has nthing to do with her illness. the drug wasnt enough 12 months ago and i had a breakdown and was severly depressed and upset with my daughters appalling behavior, so i was put on citalopram... great for me wish i would have spoke to my doc years ago about my spells of depression, i cooe much better since taking them, wish i could quit this shit i hate how it controls my life.......i am thinking of hypnotherapy can anyone recommend it to me

peace and love and loits of good luck to everyone x