I smoked the drug most of my life but only seriously when I moved to Brixton a couple of years back and it became really easy for me to get hold of. I'm 31.
I run my own business and tend to have a very active and busy life so I'm often tired and trying to juggle many things at once. At the moment business is expanding which means I'm absolutely broke and am working harder than ever.
By the mid afternoon all I can think about is getting home, lighting a spliff and having a beer. Of course it turns into 3 or 4 of each every night. I avoid going out, seeing friends and going on dates, so I can stay home on my own and get wasted. The next day I wake up lethargic and depressed, the day is really hard as a result and by the afternoon I can't wait to get home and start again.
Every day I wake up and can't imagine why I would ever want to smoke that stuff. I'm convinced I'll never do it again, what was I ever thinking? Sometimes I throw my the drug and cigarettes away, but then in the evening I feel totally compelled to do it and if I haven't got any I just go out and buy more even if I threw it all away that morning. It's like I have no choice at all, I'll do it even if I don't want to because it's become the only thing I know. I feel totally powerless over it and that makes me really depressed because I can't make plans and do what I want with my life. Work, gym, music (I'm a musician), everything suffers. I could be so much and so happy but I just keep ****ing it all up with the weed.
In December as my birthday present to myself I spent £600 on hypnotherapy. For 3 days I couldn't even think about smoking weed, then I was straight back on it again. In January I made a new year's resolution and managed to stay off for a month (I think the hypnotherapy helped) but then one joint and I've been smoking almost every night since. I've been having more and more every evening as my tolerance increases, but somehow I can still tell myself I've got it under control and I'm getting better. Every night I tell myself I'm gonna have one big smoke tonight and then not again, but then it's the same the following night. I tried counselling but that also didn't help; to be fair I think I had totally the wrong counsellor, but now I can't afford to get it again in any case.
I have some wonderful friends who I know will help me through whatever, but I don't even know what to ask them to do for me. The singer in my duo buys me groceries whenever I run out of money, she's even offered to pay for me to go on holiday. I feel so blessed to have the relationships I do and feel I shouldn't need weed, it's like an insult to my friends that I do it.
I work long days with a lot of pressure and have a day off every 2 weeks or so. Every evening I get wasted. Even if I go out and get home late, even if I've been drinking, I still have to stay up smoking and drinking more before I go to bed, so sometimes I only get a few hours sleep or turn up late to work the next day feeling like shit. Lately I'm getting really depressed, I think that no matter how hard I try in anything it won't make a difference, that everything will always go wrong, like there's nothing at all good in my life and the whole thing is pointless. While I'm thinking it another part of me is going 'What!!?' I have my own business doing something I love, I'm talented and have great friends, but all the colour has disappeared. I walk around looking slumped over and miserable all day and if someone tells me to smile I ask them what the hell there is to smile about. Soon I will alienate people and start to drive everyone away from me.
I know part of my problems are because of the long hours and lack of money, but I know it's the drug that stops me dealing with it well, structuring my time, staying positive and seeing the good things. I want so much to stop, but already I'm wondering what's going to happen tonight. I'm a judge at a singing contest tonight and I can already see myself racing off as soon as it finishes to go and get some weed, staying up late getting wasted. I'm meeting my Dad tomorrow morning, I'll be late and let him down and instead of enjoying seeing him I'll be paranoid and feel like shit. I don't want to do any of these things, but when that emotional state comes there's just nothing I can do. I have no strategies, no ways of tackling it. It's like every effort I make in life the drug just kicks me back down again. It's making me so miserable.
I've avoided the 12 step stuff up to now because I don't like the thought that I'm powerless over it, but here I am saying exactly that so maybe time to rethink things. I also hate the religious overtones, I'd rather be a drug addict than a religious. I ordered some books from Amazon and joined this cannabis rehab site but I'm kind of laughing at myself at the same time because I know nothing ever makes any difference.
I'd love to hear from anyone with any comments, advice or just say hi. I don't talk about this and as a result I feel so alone in it. Other people turn up to work hungover and tell stories from the great night out they had. I turn up and try to hide it every day because I don't want to admit I was up till 2am on my own getting mashed. Please, if anyone can help me then do, because I really don't know where to turn.
C
I run my own business and tend to have a very active and busy life so I'm often tired and trying to juggle many things at once. At the moment business is expanding which means I'm absolutely broke and am working harder than ever.
By the mid afternoon all I can think about is getting home, lighting a spliff and having a beer. Of course it turns into 3 or 4 of each every night. I avoid going out, seeing friends and going on dates, so I can stay home on my own and get wasted. The next day I wake up lethargic and depressed, the day is really hard as a result and by the afternoon I can't wait to get home and start again.
Every day I wake up and can't imagine why I would ever want to smoke that stuff. I'm convinced I'll never do it again, what was I ever thinking? Sometimes I throw my the drug and cigarettes away, but then in the evening I feel totally compelled to do it and if I haven't got any I just go out and buy more even if I threw it all away that morning. It's like I have no choice at all, I'll do it even if I don't want to because it's become the only thing I know. I feel totally powerless over it and that makes me really depressed because I can't make plans and do what I want with my life. Work, gym, music (I'm a musician), everything suffers. I could be so much and so happy but I just keep ****ing it all up with the weed.
In December as my birthday present to myself I spent £600 on hypnotherapy. For 3 days I couldn't even think about smoking weed, then I was straight back on it again. In January I made a new year's resolution and managed to stay off for a month (I think the hypnotherapy helped) but then one joint and I've been smoking almost every night since. I've been having more and more every evening as my tolerance increases, but somehow I can still tell myself I've got it under control and I'm getting better. Every night I tell myself I'm gonna have one big smoke tonight and then not again, but then it's the same the following night. I tried counselling but that also didn't help; to be fair I think I had totally the wrong counsellor, but now I can't afford to get it again in any case.
I have some wonderful friends who I know will help me through whatever, but I don't even know what to ask them to do for me. The singer in my duo buys me groceries whenever I run out of money, she's even offered to pay for me to go on holiday. I feel so blessed to have the relationships I do and feel I shouldn't need weed, it's like an insult to my friends that I do it.
I work long days with a lot of pressure and have a day off every 2 weeks or so. Every evening I get wasted. Even if I go out and get home late, even if I've been drinking, I still have to stay up smoking and drinking more before I go to bed, so sometimes I only get a few hours sleep or turn up late to work the next day feeling like shit. Lately I'm getting really depressed, I think that no matter how hard I try in anything it won't make a difference, that everything will always go wrong, like there's nothing at all good in my life and the whole thing is pointless. While I'm thinking it another part of me is going 'What!!?' I have my own business doing something I love, I'm talented and have great friends, but all the colour has disappeared. I walk around looking slumped over and miserable all day and if someone tells me to smile I ask them what the hell there is to smile about. Soon I will alienate people and start to drive everyone away from me.
I know part of my problems are because of the long hours and lack of money, but I know it's the drug that stops me dealing with it well, structuring my time, staying positive and seeing the good things. I want so much to stop, but already I'm wondering what's going to happen tonight. I'm a judge at a singing contest tonight and I can already see myself racing off as soon as it finishes to go and get some weed, staying up late getting wasted. I'm meeting my Dad tomorrow morning, I'll be late and let him down and instead of enjoying seeing him I'll be paranoid and feel like shit. I don't want to do any of these things, but when that emotional state comes there's just nothing I can do. I have no strategies, no ways of tackling it. It's like every effort I make in life the drug just kicks me back down again. It's making me so miserable.
I've avoided the 12 step stuff up to now because I don't like the thought that I'm powerless over it, but here I am saying exactly that so maybe time to rethink things. I also hate the religious overtones, I'd rather be a drug addict than a religious. I ordered some books from Amazon and joined this cannabis rehab site but I'm kind of laughing at myself at the same time because I know nothing ever makes any difference.
I'd love to hear from anyone with any comments, advice or just say hi. I don't talk about this and as a result I feel so alone in it. Other people turn up to work hungover and tell stories from the great night out they had. I turn up and try to hide it every day because I don't want to admit I was up till 2am on my own getting mashed. Please, if anyone can help me then do, because I really don't know where to turn.
C
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