4 days .....then.... relapse

[pursuit of happiness]

i psyched myself into smoking on the weekends . 2 days top was the deal i made to myself. just a way to cut down and realistically go about this. well at least for me. i truly think i would be able to hold that promise to myself. but there's one problem. i noticed when i smoked a few hours later that i deep inside didnt feel good about myself or life. there are underlying issues about how i feel ,but ill tell uou one thing. on day 4 of being sober i felt a slight but noticeable shit in mood and outlook. on weed. i feel high for a while, then its just empty. maybe cause i know i shouldnt be doing this. cause i know that ive done enough harm to myself and family. smoking on the weekends is no good either. who am i kidding? somehow i manage to psyche myself into thinking its okay and then i feel like i shouldnt be doing this. the drug is supposed to get you high but nowadays to be honest i just feel anxious and depressed. i guess ill start again starting today. thanks for the support guys.

[bongwater]

I can relate to that split personality thinking...always running after yourself so to speak, when you don't smoke smoking is okay, and when you've smoked it's crap. That dance can last a long time. Generally speaking, I noticed that whenever I started smoking again after a long time of absinence, the first joints felt good, and then the tolerance was already too high to get much - if any - enjoyment out of the whole smoking experience. The second phase was anxiety, and a couple of weeks later came numbness.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Maybe some people can control the amount they smoke and just do a “bit” every now and again, but a lot of people find they can’t when it comes to addiction and I guess that’s just one of the traits of addiction.

Hang in there mate, part of quitting is the struggle, we don’t all make it the first time we try, but the main thing is to keep trying and you will get there in the end. I too was suffering from anxiety and depression from smoking and when it gets to that stage I think it is definitely time to quit.

Take care mate, today is a new day.

[needabreak]

depression is the worst feelin i'v experienced in my life

the anxiety and depression are the reasons i'm not going back to it-i dont think i could take it anymore-i was in crisis mode and didnt know wat to do-i kept goin round in circles-its crap wen we know something is doing us harm and yet we feel that its impossible to break free of it-u can breakfree POH-think about how u felt wen u smoked again-was it worth it?makin deals with urself is one thing-but wen ur makin a deal to get u out of a more difficult situation its not really a real deal-its a bluff from ur addicted mind-one to console u that only havin a bit of a problem is better than havin a serious problem to deal with 24/7-i say this cause i'v made every deal i could think of to allow myself a righteous smoke-the craziest was only to smoke in amsterdam-i now know that if i went thro with that deal and stuck to it to the letter i wud have moved over there-but like all my other deals they didnt work-u'd only end up ticking off days til u could smoke again-and it'd be that old dave allen joke about smoking my allowance for 2010!!

dont think i'm laughing dude-i'v been there-the only thing harder than stoppin smokin dope is failin to stop smokin dope wen inside our brains knows ther's a problem here-we'v all failed at stoppin-many times-with me its more than 200 times and that aint exagerating-i was at my lowest ebb wen i stopped these last few times-it had really worn me out-

u have to know dude that it can be stoppd-u gotta think about wer u are-how it makes u feel-and decide do u want to take the hard road out-that was the choice i had to make-and it took so many attempts-i nearlly gave up trying-i actually did on plenty of occassions-if u wana be a part time smoker u'll need some will power-i believe u have to get ur system clean too and then decide ur part time level of smokin-i'm an addict-i cant have some-experience and failure and misery and depression have taught me that i cant take a wee bit-i'm addicted-one smoke for me or cake or pipe or bong and i'd be off and gloomily running in the wrong direction-and i dont want to go back to wer i was b4-it was too much-now its time to accept life up the bake-like it or lump it-

dont beat ur urself up too much about it-it is hard-its hard to get ur brain round that final surge of never again-but i was hopeless-and felt my efforts wer useless-this rehab group and the experiences of others helped me understand that the crap part of stoppin was normal-that i had to go thro it-i had to take my oil-i sailed into a problem with no advice-no one pointin out that i was doin too much-but now lookin back ther wer people ther telling me-i just closed my ears and set the sails for bonkers land-and it aint a nice place to be-

i hope u give urself another chance dude-its a chance worth taking-lots of us wer hopeless cases who managed to get thro-u can too-good luck-

[itt]

Here Here

Needabreak is right. We have all been on that merry go round. I dont know how many times I gave up only to slip back again. I know that empty feeling to have stumbled again. I know all the deals we make with overselves. Like Needabreak, I know I cant make deals or ever smoke pot ever again - I believe everyone who becomes an everyday smoker, every waking moment, is kidding themselves that they can smoke now and then. I havent smoked for over 6 months but I have noticed myself thinking "hell it would be nice to have a smoke" a couple of times in the last few weeks.

Dont be too hard on yourself, with every failure there are lessons to be learnt. I truely understood this last week when I started running again.
I had to stop running for about 10 weeks due to a bad back. After reading another members story of a relapse I decided to get back into it. I was going to give the back a further weeks rest, but that post spured me to action. The first day back I ran 8km (less the half my previous level) - it was very hard, and I felt I had lost all the benifit of my months of exercise. Over the last week I realised I had not lost so much and I managed 20 km yesterday.

With every stumble you are still one step closer to sucess. Dont give up trying - that would be failure.