Was blind but now I see

[Catalyst]

I spent a good deal of time writing a long post on Sunday night and my session got timed out and I guess my entire post was lost. It twisted me because alot of emotion was expended writing it but what doesn't spend alot of emotion when your trying to come off this **it. Anyway I told myself I wouldn't post until I had been off at least 7 days, today is day 15 and it is getting easier day by day. I guess the reason I feel obligated to post is because reading these posts has helped me immeasurably in my fight and I have to reciprocate if I can. So here is my story. I have been an everyday 3x a day smoker for 15 years. The reason I quit is because the love of my life left me after 6 years, 3 engaged. To make a long story short she told me our relationship was unfulfilling for her. Go figure, my MJ use caused me to be inattentive to her needs, as well as to the needs of our relationship. I lied not about my use but about how often I was getting high. Now she has major trust issues with me and won't believe much of what I tell her. I have known for a long time that my abuse was affecting our relationship but refused to do anything about it. I find it ironic now that it took her leaving me to see the harm it was doing. I always thought it would take a catalyst to get me to detox it just sucks that losing her was that catalyst. I guess i should be astonished that she stayed as long as she did. My own personal lesson, marijauna affects everything and most of all relationships.
All I can do now is look forward. My past is just that and if I dwell there I am doomed to go back.
So what worked for me in so far as helping me give it up? Two weeks before detox I tappered my use 2x a day the first week 1x the second. I also started running, working up to a mile a day everyday until D day. Once D day came I continued my regimine of exercise. I also started drinking a tincture of pressed organic cranberry juice (no cocktail) along with a full eye dropper of green tea extract and fish oil, it taste pretty bad but it's my price to pay. Drinking one before bedtime almost insures a half nights sleep. No escaping the dreams though.
My advice to anyone trying to detox is to make up your mind to do it, and then close the door on your past. Look to your future, set some goals, write them down, post them on the bathroom mirror so you see your face next to them every morning. Grit your teeth when you feel like going back and fight YOUR fight. Before I was blind, now I see.

[needabreak]

welcome to the rehab group catalyst-thats a bummer losin all those thoughts that u'd taken the time to write-its happened to me in the past-next time b4 u go to submit reply highlight ur stuff and copy it-then if ur timed out u can load a reply screen and paste-i hope that makes sense-ther's nothing worse than losin important ideas u wana share-well, ther is-i lost a marriage cause of smokin dope-its a while ago now though-time has taught me that smokin dope wasnt the problem-yes it was an issue at the time but hindsight has shown me that whther i smoked or not i dont believe it would have worked anyway-it was a big loss at the time so i can appreciate how u feel a bit-

all we can do is look forward like u say-only cast ur brain backwards to learn from ur experiences-i agree with u that the way to go is decide on ur decision to detox and stick to ur guns-day 15-nice one-i believe ur in stage two of detox and u sound like ur flyin-brilliant-thats wat quitters wana here-that it can be done-that ur determined-and winning-we'r all with u dude-i'm grittin me teeth right now-but like u its forward i want to go-keep us posted how its goin-its good we say how we are-and share our own individual fight-we can teach and learn from others-

[Catalyst]

So today was moving day, to say it was stressful and emotionally taxing would be an extreme understatement. It was without a doubt the hardest day I have ever had to endure. Watching her drive away in that F-ing U haul leaving 6 years of shattered affections in her wake. Crocodile tears abound. Yet in spite of it I have zero desire to smoke. As I stare at the blank walls in this new place all I can think about are the changes in my life that I am making to refocus myself. In the past if this breakup had happened I would have smoked my way through it. That was always my answer to every emotionally difficult situation. Just get stoned night after night, day after day, until the pain and memories just fade away. No more, I have actually found it suprizingly liberating to experience this barrage of emotions and have the courage to deal with them instead of just numbing them out. Over the last few weeks I have come to realize that my marijauna abuse made me emotionally retarded, it prevented me from developing real coping mechanisms to process stressfull events in my life. Never go full retard
Looking ahead I have a new place to get squared away, which should keep me busy for the next few days. I have a trip planned to the Oregon coast late next week. Should be a good opportunity to recharge my batts and put me through to my 30 day mark. Unless otherwise called upon, I'll post again when I've had my toes in the sand and the salty air on my face.
Stand fast my brothers and sisters.
Peace and Clarity,
Catalyst

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi Catalyst and welcome.

Well done on how you are dealing with your situation, resisting the urge to smoke in such a situation shows real will power, you are doing great! The issue of how marijuana affects the way you deal with your emotions is something that seems to be cropping up time and time again, it appears to be something that is not that widely known about marijuana but lots of people seem to be experiencing, I know I have emotionally matured so much since I have quit and many others appear to be saying the same. Any once again well done you are doing so well.

Thanks for sharing your story, take care and please continue to keep us posted on how it goes. Have a great vacation!

[Catalyst]

So I made it out here, a couple of flights and a long layover in Denver and here I am. I've seen the surf and had a day or two to reflect. I must say few things help you gain perspective like looking at the ocean. I'm sure it's different for people who live close to it, but for a land-locked boy like me it really makes you realize how small we all are in the grand scheme of things. Watching the big waves come in made me pretty introspective about my life and the role marijauna has played in it over the years. I used to smoke because I thought it gave me some special insight into myself, I realize now that if it did I don't remember it. Reading Mr. Orange Zeros post this morning kind of struck a cord with me. Primarily with reguard to missed opportunities. Looking back, and I know I said I wasn't going to but... looking back on certian situations and decisions I made that could have had monumental impact on my life, and I either ignored them or was too stoned to stand up and face them. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can never get that stuff back, all those years I let the drug define who I was what kind of man I was and so limited myself and my life. To all out there reading this post thinking about giving up smoke, just remember as the days and years go by you can never get back the lost time, and it is exactly that, lost, wasted ;-) time. I know different people smoke for different reasons. I would certainly never begruge a sick person something that gives them relief. But for those of you out there, and you know who you are, don't let this sh-it define you. Give it up, build careers, and relationships, and families. Because once the gift of time is lost it's gone forever and there's no getting it back.
Peace and Clarity
Catalyst

[Detox Me]

Just as Catalyst says the lost time is one of the hardest things to get over once one is sober.
Also about the emotional maturity it is impresive how inmature one is while on drugs, but as one cleans up and starts learning to calm one self with out pot one can almost see the maturity growing back in you, one even welcomes the oportunities to cry and feel sad but in control.

So hang in there... I am on week 5 so I guess we are riding it almost at the same time so .... hang in there.

[Catalyst]

Well my friends day 30 is now in the books and I must say I am most pleased. I celebrated with an 8oz fillet cooked medium well with a cherry port reduction. It was faantastic, first steak I've had in a good while. I've walked the beach every day for the last 10 and had lots of time to reflect. A much needed respite before I return to the grind.
Couple of things to relate. First, night sweats and dreams are back as of three days ago. I don't know what that's about, haven't had anything since week 2. Quit taking the theanine, could be that. I need to tell you about a book. Loving What Is, by Byron Katie. I always thought the self help section in the book stores was for losers. I guess now that includes me, I spent a good part of my time sifting the psyco drivel from what is real. This book is a game changer for sure. Anyone out there needing to get at what is after them should buy it. It approaches cognitive restructuring through personal thought inquiry in what she refers to as "the work." Not some personal inventory BS, but a real strategy for reprograming yourself, pick it up. Have a few more things but they will have to wait. Gotta catch an early flight. Be Well,
Catalyst

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hey catalyst you are doing great 30 days is awesome well done! Maybe the sweating at night time is a result of coming of the theanine, a fair few here are reporting that it’s really good at easing the detox symptoms, I wish I knew about it when I came off. We all need a little self help from time to time, I think self help books are like anything else some are good and some are not. It’s good to hear you have found one that is, I found it on amazon for any of you who are interested. Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life

Thanks for sharing, take care and please keep us posted on how it goes.

[Catalyst]

So I'm back for a few days now. You know how it is when you're away for a while trying to get back in the groove. Surprisingly the work thing went right on. I pretty much picked up where I left off no big deal. The time alone in this new place and the loneliness I feel now that my reality is she's gone is rolling me up. I cry at least twice a day and not just a few tears but a half hour of grief stricken sobing. I am trying to be strong but if this keeps up I may crack. I don't really have any friends at least non that are so close that I could call them at 3 in the morning to help me through this. I don't really want to smoke again, but I can't say that it is not in the back of my mind. I know that bud would kill this depression in a heartbeat, but at the same time it's a big part of the reason I'm where I'm at so F-ck that. I guess my only real recourse is to get busy living. I've been sitting here alone in the evenings for the last three days and it is kicking my ass. I listen to music, I cry, hell if she had taken the dog instead of leaving her with me I would probably be in the morgue right now instead of typing this post. I always thought that suicidal thoughts were beyond me but they have crept in my mind a time or two over the last couple of months. I still believe myself too strong to consider it as an out. Let's just hope it stays that way. Well I've typed myself sleepy, time to sack out.
Standing Fast,
Catalyst

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

I am so sorry to hear how bad you are feeling, I know what it’s like I have been there many times myself, it truly sucks. A lot of it is still probably the psychological symptoms of the withdrawal, psychological symptoms with a very physiological cause, it’s just what can physically/chemically happen to the brain for a while after you quit that can cause all these psychological symptoms. So hang in there you will feel better once your brain has had chance to readjust. Like you say the best antidote is to get on with living life, although I know when you feel like that it can be easier said then done. Anyway I just wanted to say I hear you and appreciate how hard it can be.

Take care and remember our thoughts are with you.

All the best

[Detox Me]

Stay strong Catalyst. Remember the emotional unbalance will end and its natural for you to be depressed, the loss of the girlfriend and the withdrawl are strong plus the fact that all the time the we were using we didnt learn to cope with emotions.
Hold hard and I would suggest filling up your days with activities...any activity will do. But do not stay all afternoon alone in your home! I did that last monday by 8pm I was sad and depressed gladly a budy passed by and distracted me for a while.

So now I am planning ahead I dont go home till I am tired or its late. I visit friends, go to supermarket or watever.

[Catalyst]

Well my fellow friends indeed, today is day 42. If I had been told when I started this journey that I would make it through to day 42 I probably would not have beleived it but here I am anyway. What a go. So here I sit typing this post over an ice cold beer. News to report? Oh yes, so I decide to change out the shower head in the new place on Sunday night. I know that I had some Teflon tape in the pickup some where, looking, looking under the seat, behind the seat. Before I know it I am tearing the truck apart looking for this damn Teflon tape. In my search what do I find? Most of you can probably figure it out. It was a bud from the last oz that I bought, must have fallen out of the bag when I stashed it under there for the journey home. Big enough to sport at least a half dozen spliffs. So what happens next? Well I hold it in my shaking hand as I go back upstairs. I put it on the counter, now sick in the pit of my stomach. Damn I took such good care to make sure there would be no temptations once I started this deal. I threw away everything, and I mean everything, not a trace. How could this be happening? And at a time when I've been right on the edge. I smelled it, ohh man, I looked at it, red hairs still crystal, damn. So what happens next? Absolutely nothing. I could have went straight to the store for papers, but I said to myself, why are you tripping out? Have you no self control man? It was in that moment that a calm came over me. I make the choices in my life, not some bullshit I found behind the seat of the pickup. I could have just as easily found a pencil and treated it the same way. I could have flushed it, but it sits in a shot glass on the top shelf of the bar, more as a novelty than anything I would consider smoking again. I have found strenghth in the temptation. Maybe I will smoke it sometime in the distant future, maybe I will flush it. In the end the choice is mine and mine alone, and it is a choice now, maybe it always was. We'll see what happens.
Peace and Clarity
Catalyst

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hey Catalyst that sounds like a pretty big test, it sounds like you are doing pretty well so far, well done mate.

Take care and please keep us posted.

[Catalyst]

Hello to all out there. Hope everyone is still fighting the good fight. I haven't seen many posts from some of you, think I know why. But life is for living not for judging so know I wish you well. So where am I? Well I can say that I'm doing pretty good actually. The bud I found is still right where I left it, although I am considering putting it down the garbage disposal. I really don't think about it that much. It's kinda like I've moved on. I've been hitting the gym extra hard. I'm up to a mile and a half a day running plus weights. I am really starting to see a difference in how I look and big time how I feel. I have started to drink a little more than I used to. I have developed a taste for vodka tonics I hit the bar a couple of times a week, but I think it's more to get out and socialize than get f'd up. My X and I have started to talk again. I am really happy about that but cautious at the same time. It has really been an adjustment to start to live alone again after 5 years. All the freedoms I had as a bachelor are in front of me again. I still can't say I wouldn't trade them to have her back. Only time will tell. Going to see U2 on Sunday night, will be my first concert in a long time with no weed. I'm really looking forward to it though, it was always such a hassel getting it in anyways. Well I'm signing off for now got some reading to do. Be well my freinds.
Peace and Clarity
Catalyst

[Detox Me]

You right Catalyst have not posted cause been out living. Congrats on the being clean dude. A little unasked for advice: throw that bud out!!!!! Its making you think about it... If you want it as a trophy I would suggest something else not that man...really why test yourself?

the other thing I been drinking a little but I am pretty scared I might substitute one addiction for the other so I am trying to avoid it a little or at least try and not hit it to hard!

Stay strong dude!