Trying to understand my relationship with cannabis

[blueskymining]

Hi there

I'm 42 and have smoked cannabis on and off for 25 years. It's something that has come and gone through my life, using regularly for a couple of years then it fades out, then returns, on and off.

However the last 5 years I've been vaporising virtually every day, apart from a couple of months off. I've been growing my own over that period, just one or two females a summer, so I don't spend any $ on cannabis and it's been an enjoyable hobby.

To be honest, my regular use hasn’t felt that problematic to me. I've seen it almost as a beneficial thing in my life. I tend to have my first vaporised bowl at around 4 or 5pm - I work for myself and that first bowl of the day tends to motivate me to finish off loose ends that I'd been avoiding and find a new energy. Then I might go for a bike ride through the forest or to the beach for a swim. Then back into the evening routine, getting the kids fed and bathed and to bed. Then it's a couple more bowls after dinner before I watch tv with my wife.

I should add that this is all done secretly. Vaporising allows me to basically get stoned extremely discretely. There's no smoke, and I can have a bowl or two in my office unbeknowns to my wife or the kids. My wife has had issues with the frequency of my use in the past and whilst I did stop for a while as a result, it crept back in to my life in a way where I basically hide my use. My wife is not totally opposed to cannabis - if we're at a party and a joint comes around, she'll partake but she is certain that regular use for me doesn't make me a pleasant person to be around.

Although I don't really crave cannabis, the fact is my use is habitual & secret. That I do it daily without questioning it is of some concern.

There's also the fact that I think my moods are affected by this level of usage. My wife is adamant that I am more irritable as a result of my use.

I actually stopped for a couple of months a little while back and it was noticeable to me how much 'smoother' my emotions felt when I wasn't stoned. How much easier the mornings were getting the kids off to school without it being a major drama. How less frustrated I was with little things, like not finding something where I expected it to be, or if the kids are taking too long to put their socks on, that sort of stuff.

Then over the weekend my wife expressed displeasure with certain aspects of my behaviour and our relationship - what she sees as negativity in me and a tendency to criticise etc

It was a wake up call and I'm wondering if my cannabis use could be contributing to this general feeling of frustration and aggravation, which of course disappears when I'm stoned. I become patient and loving and open and clear. But the next day, I'm gnarly and irritable and cloudy.

So I didn't vaporise last night for the first time in ages. I packed up the vaporiser and put it away and put my stash in the freezer, just to avoid having it in the office within reach.

It's easy for me to stop when I get to this point. I know I can now go for a couple of months feeling clear and motivated. The issue will be down the track where I think I'll just have a quick bowl (esp if I've been out and had a couple of drinks) and then, bingo, I'm back into daily use again. I think it would be nice to get stoned once a month or so, but the reality for me is that it quickly turns back into daily use.

Anyway, just wanted to clarify my thoughts on this by posting here. I don't really see this an addiction but at the same time have a sense that my regular use may be causing subtle problems for me especially in my relationship with my wife.

P.S. I spoke to my wife and told that her that I'd vaporising every evening and she said that she already knew. She said she was more concerned with the secrecy rather than why I wanted to get high every night. Anyway, all paraphernalia is put away, out of easy reach. I should really just give my stash away. There's probably a couple of ounces there but can't quite bring myself to do that just yet.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi blueskymining welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you have conflicting feelings about your cannabis use, but I would say that probably goes for a lot of people here, I know I have experienced those kind of feelings myself. Sometimes it’s hard as the user of any drug not to defend and justify our use of it, because drugs get us high and that’s often not a feeling we want to give up, so we look for reasons to justify it, we do with most things that we want to do that’s just human nature. So sometimes it takes an outsider who is not biased in that way to tell us how it really is and the true effect our use of a drug is having on us, which may be the situation you are experiencing with your wife, although I think by what you say you think there is something in what she is telling you and thus you feel conflicted. I understand how you feel. I suppose you will make a decision one way of the other sooner or later, if you do decide to give up for good you have to be ready to do so and it has to be your decision.

I am not going to try to badger you into it, there are more than enough reasons expressed on CannabisRehab.org as to why different people want to do it, although I am not saying they necessarily apply to you, every case is different, cannabis use may not be a problem for everybody, but can be for some, only you can decide if this is the case for you. Anyway I hope getting that of your chest has helped, anytime you want to do so we will be here to listen. If you do want to detox for good we will be with you every step of the way.

Good luck with whatever you decide, take care and please keep us posted on how it goes.