the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs

[angeles]

This is my first post in this thread which I hope will document my rehabilitation from marijuana addiction and my taking proactive steps to improve my life.

I'm 39, I've been smoking the drug since I was in college, I think my best guess when I first tried it is age 20. I've been a really bad, daily smoker in the past - probably the worst of my addiction was in the mid 90s to early this century. My 20s and early 30s basically, the best and most productive years of a person's life.

Since 2000, I've had long stretches of sobriety, I think my longest sober was about two years from 2004 to 2006, during which I was in graduate school. And I think I was also sober 2007 to 2008 - this was the first year dating the woman who was to become my wife. Since 2000 I've also had long stretches of years when I was a daily smoker and was definitely using it to medicate myself and to escape my problems.

I'm about 3 days sober now, and I'm going to try to stay sober as long as I can and see what happens. I bet my life will change for the better in a lot of ways. The last time I stayed sober for a long period of time I managed to get a master's degree, buy a condo, meet and marry my wife, and have a baby.

I'm a software developer, I live in Chicago with my wife and one year old daughter. I feel like God has blessed me in so many ways, and that I owe it to my family to try to be the best person I can be - and that means being sober. In my spare time I like to read books and play guitar. I also train for marathons to keep in shape. Anyways, God bless, hope everyone's doing ok.

[betterluck2morrow]

Good stuff...

hope you are still at it, looking forward to reading your updates.

[angeles]

My dad died in July. My dad and I had a really complicated relationship, with a lot of ups and downs - but I still loved him, and his death really affected me deeply. I've been pretty out of control ever since he died, I broke about a year's sobriety right around the time of his death and smoked pretty regularly (not necessarily daily, on average 3 days a week I'd say). The smoking is detrimental to my life in that it distracts me from things I should be focusing on in my career, I lose interest in my hobbies and things I love, I isolate myself an become secretive in my marriage as I have to hide my drug use from my wife. She's caught me a couple of times, it's caused a loss of trust in our marriage which I really regret. I've also become a really moody, irritable person - I find myself criticizing her a lot and snapping at her for little things, I hate that the drug really brings out this negative side of my personality. I think she's trying to be 'understanding' about it because she knows I'm still dealing with my dad's death. I also feel really guilty about being around my baby when I'm high, I feel like a bad father.

I read some threads on here where people talk about massive daily pot use - I guess I have a low tolerance, one to three one-hitters a day has always been enough for me which is a good thing I guess. Now that this bag has run out I'm going to try to stay sober. I was doing so well and things were really looking up for me prior to my dad's death - I was doing great at work, really applying myself in my career, enjoying being a new dad, taking great satisfaction in time spent with my family, losing weight, enjoying my hobbies and such. I want to get back to that life again.

[angeles]

People in my family are big smokers. My brothers and my cousin have always been cigarette smokers, heavy drinkers, and pot smokers. They are very successful people, though, and they seem to have happy lives and party a lot, so I always thought that it was possible to have a great life while smoking regularly. I've never been able to myself, I think I have to admit that to myself now. It's always made me withdrawn, irritable, lazy, unmotivated, etc. and it's heightened my my periods of depression and social anxiety. I'm probably seeing their lives from a distorted perspective, noone has a perfect life, an I've been blessed with many wonderful things in my life. In fact, I wouldn't trade my life with anyone's. One big thing is my baby, I mean there are so many other reasons to try to get yourself together, but do you even need any other reason than - she doesn't need a parent who is a habitual drug user? So far my habit has not harmed anyone - but what if I did something inadvertently to hurt someone else, or put my family in jeopardy somehow? It's just not worth it. I think this time quitting will be easier though. I had a couple years under my belt until this summer, and they were probably the best years of my life. I think my dad dying was the event that really knocked me off my feet - but there are always bad events in life, how am I going to deal with the next one?

[angeles]

I've been seeing a therapist about once every two weeks for about 4 years. When I firt came in to see him I was a very messed up person, incapacitated by all my personal problems. He's helped me to work through problems in my relationships with my immediate familyand a traumatic breakup with my ex girlfriend, since I started seeing my therapist I've gotten married and am a thousand times happier. We've been talking about my the drug addiction for years, and I've admitted to him that despite me having been sober for several years, I started smoking again after my dad's death. Ever since I admitted this to him he's checked with me about my pot use every session - I think it really disappoints him that I've continued to smoke. I've just been so out of control after my dad's death, for a while I just didn't care.

I guess as long as I'm coming clean I also have to admit that pot is not my only addiction, I'm also a sex addict, mainly **** and masturbation. Watching pornos is the main thing I like to do while stoned. In fact I'd say that probably sexual addiction is a larger problem than pot addiction. I've even tried to confront my sexual addiction in the past - by talking about it with my therapist, by reading numerous books on the subject of sex addiction, by attending online Sexaholics Anonymous meetings. I haven't worked up the guts to go to a real life SA meeting. The sex addiction too had been pretty much under control for years, but I fell off the wagon just as I did with the drug when my dad died. It's been about five months since he died and my behavior is still out of control, it's starting to really worry me.

Pot has mainly been an enhancement to my **** and masturbation use - it started as a social drug way back in the day, but it gradually developed into a private habit that causes me to withdraw from life. I don't like to talk about my sexual addiction, compulsion, whatever. Not even with my therapist, it just makes me depressed and ashamed to talk about it, but at the same time I feel like I need to deal with this issue as it has been the single biggest way in which I sabotage my own life. It's weird that I can talk about pretty much any other subject under the sun with my therapist, from weird stuff I did as a kid, to really personal relationship issues, but I don't like talking about my **** use. I thought that I could maybe talk about my sex addiction with people in various online forums and meetings - this has proved frustrating, and I've given up on discussing it with anyone, except for here, right now, but I don't really plan on talking about it much further in this thread, it's just too personal. Generally, the people who are involved in the online sex addiction communities are either: a. religious zealots who will tell you that getting closer to Jesus will help you break your addiction or b. 12 step zealots who will tell you that you have to regularly attend in person meetings several times a week and read all the 12 step literature. When I tell them that I go to church semi regularly and it hasn't helped much, and that I'd rather just talk to my therapist about my addictions instead of going to 12 step group meetings, they keep preaching at me, so I don't read those sites anymore.

So I thought I'd at least try to break the pot addiction, which may be difficult because it's not my only addiction and it feeds into my sex addiction. If I quit pot, it will help me deal with my sex addiction. I've actually come around to thinking that noone is ever cured of sex addiction anyways, as unlike a drug that you ingest, sex is a part of being human and the best you can do is to channel your sexual desires into a supportive relationship.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

That reminds me I have meaning to do a post about the 12 step program for a while, here it is http://www.forummatters.com/forums/s...ead.php?t=1437

[allegory]

Hi angeles.

I can echo a lot of what you said. I have a one year old son and a family full of the drug smokers too, most of whom have absolutely no negative experience with it. Lazy? Unmotivated? Irritable? Tired? Can't be the weed! They just can't fathom that the drug can have negative side-effects. If they're cranky they smoke another j. Problem solved. Shoved away. It isn't helpful for me to be around them when I'm trying to quit, but I can't avoid it. I'm moving to a different country next year and would like to spend as much time as possible with them before then.

Weed brings out the negative side of me as well, I just posted in the Agression thread about that. I feel massive amounts of guilt for all the things I've said to my fiance in that hateful haze. It's bordering on emotional abuse. If it were the other way round, and he were the woman, I would have been slapped in the face and sleeping on the couch after saying such things about his appearance, or opinion, or method of doing things, etc. It turns me into a critical, fussy, overbearing battleaxe. I am never, ever like that when I'm sober or have had a few drinks. It's only the weed.

I feel guilt towards my son as well. Though I don't smoke during the day, I often would go out as soon as my fiance walked in the door and have a pipe. I would even feel guilty playing with him while stoned because I think "why can't I be this enthusiastic without it?" Then an hour later be irritable and counting the minutes till his bedtime so I could puff again. Someone said in another thread how great it is to be able to look his oldest son in the eye, without the worry that he'd know that his dad was high. I wish my own parents had given it up when I was a kid. I never knew they smoked till I had moved out. I grew up thinking my mother didn't particularly like me. Turns out she was just paranoid. I hope not to repeat that. I hope for all of us to leave this behind.

I agree as well that one addiction feeds into another. Once we are not high, the ability to brush off the other problems won't be there. I hope to deal with several other issues (OCD, anxiety, smoking cigs) after I'm a few months sober.

Good luck, and excuse me if I rambled here. I don't proofread my posts.

[angeles]

That reminds me I have meaning to do a post about the 12 step program for a while, here it is http://www.forummatters.com/forums/s...ead.php?t=1437

I pretty much agree with your views on 12 step, I don't disparage it because it seems to help a lot of people, but I don't think it's for me.

[angeles]

I can echo a lot of what you said. I have a one year old son and a family full of the drug smokers too, most of whom have absolutely no negative experience with it. Lazy? Unmotivated? Irritable? Tired? Can't be the weed! They just can't fathom that the drug can have negative side-effects. If they're cranky they smoke another j. Problem solved. Shoved away. It isn't helpful for me to be around them when I'm trying to quit, but I can't avoid it. I'm moving to a different country next year and would like to spend as much time as possible with them before then.

In my case it's not so much peer pressure, I mean noone in my family is trying to get me to smoke out with them, in fact the past few times they're said things like 'you can't smoke now, you have a baby'. And they're right, I'm glad they have my best interests in mind actually. It's just the immature side of myself that romanticizes pot use that makes me feel like I'm missing out on a good time, even though I know that continued pot use is eventually destructive.

Weed brings out the negative side of me as well, I just posted in the Agression thread about that. I feel massive amounts of guilt for all the things I've said to my fiance in that hateful haze. It's bordering on emotional abuse. If it were the other way round, and he were the woman, I would have been slapped in the face and sleeping on the couch after saying such things about his appearance, or opinion, or method of doing things, etc. It turns me into a critical, fussy, overbearing battleaxe. I am never, ever like that when I'm sober or have had a few drinks. It's only the weed.

I feel guilt towards my son as well. Though I don't smoke during the day, I often would go out as soon as my fiance walked in the door and have a pipe. I would even feel guilty playing with him while stoned because I think "why can't I be this enthusiastic without it?" Then an hour later be irritable and counting the minutes till his bedtime so I could puff again. Someone said in another thread how great it is to be able to look his oldest son in the eye, without the worry that he'd know that his dad was high. I wish my own parents had given it up when I was a kid. I never knew they smoked till I had moved out. I grew up thinking my mother didn't particularly like me. Turns out she was just paranoid. I hope not to repeat that. I hope for all of us to leave this behind.

God I really regret some of the mean things I've said and my generally cranky attitude when I'm high around my wife and baby. My wife keeps telling me what a wonderful father I am though, so I guess it's not too bad, but I do notice the change in behavior myself. That thing you wrote about 'growing up thinking your mom didn't particularly like you', that just breaks my heart, she probably really loved you but her behavior was affected by her drug habit. I don't want my daughter growing up with a parent like that.

[angeles]

Anyways, so it's been another week, I am definitely in the midst of a bad withdrawl. I feel a lot of anxiety, some depression (being around my wife and baby always makes me feel good, though, so the depression is not so bad). I think about pot all the time, I think about **** too - honestly if I had some right now I'd be smoking, the cravings are that bad. It's a good thing I don't have too many contacts or I'd have bought some already. I always buy a small bag thinking that I'll just do it a couple times then put it away for a rainy day - but I'm lying to myself, it always quickly turns into a daily habit. I've never been good at controlling myself.

The anxiety is bad, my thoughts run wild and I start thinking about my family, feeling guilty about my secret addiction, feeling anxiety about my career and how I'm neglecting it by focusing all my time on escaping via pot use. I even worry about all of these larger issues that I can't control - the environment, the war in the Middle East, overpopulation, crime, the economic crisis. I work myself into a panic, thinking that the world is such a crazy place and on the brink of disaster. I just want to escape from everything, and I start craving drugs again.

I really hope I get past this point quickly, so I can focus again on my career and other things that are important to me. It takes twice as much mental energy just to deal with my life while trying to control these cravings and fears on top of everything.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

The mental health like crisis is quite typical for many, lots of people feel like they are losing their mind, just try to remember it’s not so much the things you are worrying about that are the problem, but more the detox itself and that will pass.

Hang in there, take care and thanks for keeping us posted.

[angeles]

Have been drinking green tea a couple times a day after reading the Theanine thread, haven't gotten around to buying theanine pills yet. If I start taking theamine pills daily my daily pills intake will look like: multivitamin, fish oil capsules, metamucils, St. John's Wort, theanine, and sometimes a Zyrtec for allergies. That's a lot of pills. I'm always willing to try anything, though, and green tea is vaguely calming, especially during the day.

Feeling less anxiety the past couple of days, also have been a lot more productive and slightly more organized and focused. Still feel like I'm not totally out of withdrawl as I still think about the drug a lot, but more as a 'thing of the past' lately.

I mentioned previously that I'm a marathon runner. Running helps a lot, always has. After a long run I always feel more at peace and in touch with my body, I also enjoy how running allows me time alone to think. I recently took a fitness stress test at the gym - the results were excellent, body fat, cardiovascular fitness, blood pressure and such were excellent. They did recommend that my strength and flexibility needed work, and to look into yoga. So I've been doing some research on the internet about yoga, and also meditation - if anyone has any experience with yoga and meditation, especially meditation, let me know. I've been meditating 20 minutes twice a day - it's probably helping, although I'm not sure if some of the positive changes I'm seeing are due to meditation, exercise, going cold turkey, or a combination of everything at once. One thing about meditation I'm finding is - the actual practice of meditation is dead easy, the difficulty lies in being able to carve out 20 minutes of time twice a day in a quiet place where you are not distracted. I have to do stuff like get up a half hour early in the morning, or go to a quiet place at work to meditate in the afternoon.