Tomorrow is Day One Without Smoking dope

[mommy]

I first started smoking at 16, with older boyfriends. Since I never really had my own, I never went overboard. Years go by and between work, travel, and having a baby, I never really get too deep into it.

Now, all of a sudden, I'm back in an environment where it's easily available (Canada), staying home with the kid all day, and am on my dugout or vaporizer 4-5 times a day. DH's hurt and confused, but of course likes it himself "for inspiration" on a weekend evening. He's always used less than me, but also always helped me get it when I need it. I think too, that since I'm always overcompensating for my guilt over being stoned that I'm an "easier" wife for him.

In my previous life, I was a high performer. Big career, recognition, salary, wearing nice suits everyday. Now I sometimes wear my pyjamas all day. I love my daughter, but sometimes I feel like if I have to sit on the floor with her for hours playing, I might as well be stoned to do it.

I rationalized it to myself, that "at least I'm not getting high and driving her around". We're a one car family and hubby has the car most days.

Anyway, I already told DH that he's to hide everything tonight when I go to bed. I'm done. Cold turkey. We're sick at home with H1N1 these days anyway (me and daughter) and so we're already feeling like crap, why not take advantage of it to detox too.

The key reason I really want to detox is the unexplained infertility I've had for the better part of a year. Been TTC since last March, and no success except for an early miscarriage two months ago. With our first baby, we had no access to it (overseas assignment) and got pregnant the first month. I want to be pregnant NOW! I was actually using "waiting for a positive test" as a stop date for myself, but today yet again, I see that I probably will have to detox the drug first, before I can get pregnant.

It's going to be rough, but I need to do it. I've never "tried to quit" before. We'd always run out and not be able to find more. This is a first.

Reading this, it makes me think that people will say "she shouldn't have another kid". Maybe. I've already given up so much for my family in the last few years, but all that is nothing if I still keep drifting through life stoned.

[allegory]

I could have written your post myself. I'm in the same situation. Was always independent, hard working and really savored my individuality. Now I've been staying at home with my son for a year and a half and am feeling completely disconnected from that person. I had been smoking the drug during the day leading up to the 9th when I attempted to detox (failed a few days later), and now today is when I start again.

I know what you mean about feeling as if being stoned has no effect on things because our job as mothers is not what you'd call cerebral. It's tedious, monotonous, and sucks every last drop of your sanity if you let it. I'm in need of a schedule and I've never had to give myself one, or never succeeded at it. I never smoked the drug in the day when I had a job. I overcompensate for getting stoned too. The days where I smoke and feel like doing nothing but lying there, I'll force myself to at least get dressed and have dinner done because I feel so guilty. Puffing makes things more fun for about 40 minutes, then I'm burnt out and irritable. Why do I forget this every time? My son would really benefit from having a mother with energy, creativity and positivity. My sanity would benefit as well.

Anyway - I wish you good luck. Please post how you're doing! I'll be going through the same thing today. I have written a list of things to do (though boring and mundane I find that I feel much better having accomplished something and kept busy) during naptime to thwart the urges. There's no marijuana in the house and I'm avoiding my friend and my father who smoke chronically. I'm really looking forward to starting again. Yes! It's definitely time.

[mommy]

Well, hubby was happy to hide the stuff. He's been working like a dog the last month, and came home a few times to a red-eyed wife, and just didn't understand why I'd enjoy getting high alone. For him it's always been some way to develop ideas - a tool. I'd love to leave it in our arsenal as a way to connect, but we'll have to wait and see.

Day one is okay so far - 9:30 am. Usually I'd wait until 11 or so for my first toke, but I have no access now. We'll see.

Healthwise, my flu is winding down, but it's sloooooow, so no exercise as a way to get over it. My daughter just finished her prescription of tamiflu, and she's almost 100% now.

I'll put on meditation music during naptime and see if I can "bliss myself out" that way. And green tea.

I'll be honest, at this point, it doesn't feel like I'm saying goodbye forever. More like the way you give up coffee when you go to the spa... knowing that that first coffee after finishing detox will be heavenly. But that there'll be new rules - hubby has to initiate it, can't do it alone, and the kid has to be asleep, or some such thing. Has anyone has reasonable success with some kind of rule system?

[mommy]

It's a bit rough not seeing any updates when you're in the thick of things, but here goes:

Massive headache. It's similar to one I had yesterday, so I think it's more flu than withdrawal, so I took some mild painkillers. (Just a little coedine in them, not serious strength)

Went for a walk around the block with the kidlet. Not far, just enough to get out of the house for an hour.

It'll be nice when I feel physically up for exercise. It'll be nice when we're no longer infectious and we can get out more. We moved to this town because it's such a perfect family environment - hell, there's an indoor FREE skating rink a 2 minute walk from my front door.

On and on....

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi mommy and welcome to the forum.

It sounds like you are really going through it at the moment and probably don’t know which is the detox from the drug and which is just symptoms of the flu you have had recently. Actually and I know this may sound a bit bizarre but getting sick can be a really good opportunity to help you get clean, I know I have done this in the past but foolishly started again, but like I say it can act as a spring board, so try to use it to your advantage.

Anyway I am sure you can do it, I am glad to see you posting so much I hope it helps, I am sure it helps people to read them. Anyway thanks for sharing, take care and please keep us posted.

[allegory]

I have always had a mental set of rules for when and how to smoke weed. After my pregnancy I started up again with the proclaimation that we'd only puff on the weekends, which soon turned into 4 nights a week, then 7, and recently I started smoking in the day.

For me, it's all or nothing. If the drug is there, I'll want to smoke it. Much like my fiance wouldn't be able to resist a peice of cheescake sitting on the table, I can't resist the green stuff. I want to be able to smoke occasionally (maybe once every other month) but I've never been successful with that for long. It's cold turkey for me.

You're lucky to have a skating rink nearby. Are you in the praries? Hopefully your flu will move out soon, probably sooner since you're not smoking.

Me I'm not doing very well today. I am not keeping myself busy enough and keep thinking about calling my friend over for a coffee and puff. Annoyed with myself for that. I have vast amounts of self control in other areas but so weak in the face of weed. Can't wait till this is just a distant era in my life.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hey allegory hang in there, it’s perfectly natural to think about and to want to cave in don’t feel too bad about that, the main thing is that you don’t. You are doing really great so far keep it up.

[mommy]

Darnit. Lost my message.

Allegory - yep, in Alberta.

Re: H1N1 - I don't think I would have had my "low" without the flu. Being high all day long as a coping mechanism really hit me - I felt like crap - and had no patience, which a sick 2 year old really deserves.

I've been thinking alot today as to why hubby has let it go for so long... He sees our stash dwindle, he must know that I'm smoking it, but he never never asks me if I'm high.

Thinking back to when we first got together, everyone used to tease him how he got such an attractive girlfriend. We were in Asia, and I was this blonde 24 year old - Also, I was a bit of a princess, from a good family, better university, expensive summer camps, etc. There were a lot of high expectations on me.... and I think he felt he had to give me a lot of leeway to keep me. My career was better, too, at that point. I used to have long holidays with my job, and he'd tell me before I took off to India or whever for a month that if I wanted to have a fling on my travels, just don't "bring it home" - just so he doesn't find out about it.

I think also, that pot "hobbles" me. I remember once mentioning to a stoner buddy that I get high in order not to face the expectations I used to have of myself. It keeps me focused on minutae, things like what to cook for dinner, instead of "am I happy?" Hubby knows that as long as I'm a stoner, I won't make demands on him, or leave him.

Not to say that I'm not happy. I have a great marriage, and a fantastic kid. We desperately want another kid. But I know that I'm not as happy as I've put on.

I miss my career a lot.

(sigh) Day one. Almost done. No appetite, no energy, no joy. I can't wait to start feeling better.

[mommy]

Day one down.

No pot.

Never really had that "oh god I wish I could have a hoot" moment.

To be honest, even though hubby hid all my gear, I still have a little baggie with 3 or 4 buds stashed away. I did that when we first got the bag, so that he'd never miss them, and I could pull them out and be the hero when our stash ran dry. Of course, with no gear, I'd have to make a can pipe or something, but that was something that my husband always did for me.... I hope that I can keep from going after it.

He got home at 9, cuddled the kid, and put her to bed. I've been on the sofa for the last two hours, nursing two beers, and will go to bed soon. No appetite today at all - so on little food the beer buzz is nice. I've never had alcohol problems - pot was always my drug of choice.

No mention of his "hiding project" or any questions about how "no pot" today went. I won't bring it up if he won't. I'll tell him when I'm out of this phase... let him think that really it's all because we're trying to conceive and failing.

I think he knows I'm depressed. He just doesn't want to know how depressed I am, or why. Even when we were both working, and had a nanny, we agreed that 8 hours was too long a day for the nanny to be alone with the kid, so with him working at home then (he was mostly writing) he'd take the kid for an hour or two as a break for her. These days though, no breaks for me.

That was the pot was - my mini mental holiday - my break. A bit of selfish tuning my brain to my own channel while the kid zoned in front of Dora the Explorer.

Anyway, day one down. Time for bed.

[boogiechopper]

good on yer Mommy.. im on day 6 and although i havent had the headaches im getting just about every other withdrawl symptom!

panic and anxiety are playing with my mind but deep breathing and relaxation exercises have really helped.

hope everything's going well for you

[mommy]

Day two

So had my two beers last night and went to bed. Lay there just breathing, but feeling this anxiety - heart racing in a "fight or flight" kind of way. Took a long time to go to sleep, it seemed like.

My kid's baby monitor started making this loud crackling noise around 3 and woke me up, so I got up to turn the volume down on it, and found I was drenched in sweat. Could be my flu breaking, or could be withdrawal. Weird - and I was freezing cold. In the morning I was still damp, so I think I was sweating all night.

Still no appetite. Went grocery shopping this morning and have all these healthy things planned - curried pumpkin soup, carrot juice, the kind of eating I used to do at this detox spa I used to go to when on holiday in SE Asia. I bought a recipe book there and whenever I eat any of the recipes I just feel so healthy. For me, cooking is meditative. Hopefully seeing this pretty, healthy food will inspire me to actually eat some of it.

I crave the smoke. I'd love to just inhale without it actually doing something. I'd have a cigarette, but I know already that the taste would disgust me... I only enjoy cigarettes when I'm drunk. I don't crave being high right now.

I do know that I'm going to get through this. I'm putting the pipe down until I get pregnant. Then pregnancy will be the key motivator to stay off it, and then I'll have to deal with it again when the baby's born. By then I might have grown up a bit more.

[allegory]

Curried pumpkin soup sounds delicious. Good to hear you're getting on well with the quit. Sweating it out! I have no appetite either. I ate less than my toddler son today, but feel ok. We went to the park today. I'm in NS, which is considerably warmer than Alberta I think. At least at this time of year. We're heading into hibernation mode soon though.

Yes! Focused on minutae. Before the puff it's a constant stream of internal, analytical dialogue (which inevitably leads to anxiety for me) and afterwards it's "god, this place is a mess. Let's get on it!" or "let's make grilled cheese sandwiches!" ...ugh.

Having a glass of wine, a cigarette and watching my guilty pleasure tonight... America's Next Top Model.

Let us know how you're doing tomorrow, mommy

[mommy]

Well, it irks me that I have to be accountable here... but DH got out the gear tonight as he had a creative project he wanted "help" with... and I had a small amount with him.

He's really the kind of user we'd all like to be, you know? Just have it as a tool in your arsenal, and not something you go to for normalcy?

But I just feel like my skull is stuffed with cotton. My eyes feel so dry. My head is just wrong. It's like I was hitting my head against the wall, and in a way, I was, wasn't I?

I'll have to keep thinking about what I got out of this, because I'm not really feeling it right now. Of course, except for the "sharing experience" with spouse thing. But other than that, no payoff at all.

One excuse I've had for years is that pot "perks me up". I'd get domestic or creative, and tackle some big task while baked. I'd actually delay things like spring cleaning until we had access to more weed. It was almost like how I've heard Ritalin described (though I really don't know myself). But these days it cripples me.

I've read a lot here on the different chemical ratios in the drug now, with too high THC and too low CDB? (is it?) and maybe the stuff I was smoking over in Asia was less engineered? Maybe I'm just going wrong on the BC bud? Because I just feel crippled by it now.

Anyway, back to the same quitting place tomorrow. DH probably won't bring out the bag for a couple of days again. I'll just have to nonchalantly decline as he did so many time, without judgement. That's all. Fingers crossed.

[mommy]

Aie. So toward the end of our little party last night, we had a "business talk", and he was very happy with some of my ideas. We're opening a business these days, and I'm our "idea hamster", you know? Just spinning the ideas off on the wheel.

That part was nice, I must admit. The connection.

At least I wasn't high until late in the day... after the kid went to bed. That's a good start.

I'm not going to kick myself too much, because I'll just want to bury my feelings in a haze. The point is to feel them, right?

I'm still okay with it all. Next battle when it comes. Today feels good so far. Kidlet and I cleaned together, made pizza dough for dinner, and read a bunch of stories. TV free morning, actually. That's a big checkmark in my "good mommy" mental list. It's good to have things to feel good about, I think.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

That’s it keep busy mommy, the busier you stay the less you will probably want to smoke.

Take care