continuous relapsing with marijuana

[abiogenesis]

Hi Guys,

Firstly I want to mention that I'm very impressed by the intimacy in this forum. And I thought it would be really nice to share my problem openly that I can even not talk about my situation with my wife. Anyway..

I am 27 years old and I have been regulary smoking the drug since 4 years though it did not affect my life badly in the first year and I just enjoyed smoking like many others. I am a physics PhD student in netherlands and I moved here with my wife -(by marrying just before comming here - 15 months ago. I had been smoking and having bad problems with marijuana when I was doing master but since I can find and smoke a joint here just in 15 minutes, In the first 8 months, I smoked whole day (I mean really during work day, during making simulation, reading paper, even when working with sophisticated devices in the lab). Because I had many problems because of mariuana with my wife before marrying and in the evenings mosty I am not smoking (but sitting at home stoned and try to not make wife understand that I'm smoked on my way to home.

So, how my life is affected? Four years ago, I was a smart 4th year physics student and I was intent to be a may be really creative scientist. Actually I can not judge now my past years before addicted to the drug since there is no contionus memory now that it feels like I was always like now. However the man that i become now is a 'below-average' guy (for a Phyics PhD) struggling every second with my mariujana problem, mostly unhappy, depressed and the worst part is "all alone". There is no one near me smoking mariujana now. I'm going to a coffeshop nearby alone, smoking and then return to working. However, since April, I have been contiously trying to stop it but it relapsed may be ten times. Since I'm all
trying and not sharing this with anyone, my life happened to be all about trying and not being able to smoke. I did not some for, 11, 18, 9, 32, 3, 4, 7, 9, 5, 5 day in sequence during last 8 months, but i relapsed completely everytime in just a few days and start to smoke everyday again. This period contiues for some time and then I motivate myself to detox after about 15 days and second, third, forth quitting trial starts and the tape records.

Recently I started to see detox department with my psychiatrist's insistence and I talked just once yet and real treatment did not started yet (and I do not know actually how will they treat). I have also bipolar mood disorder and I'm having medication since 5 years and 3 times I had depressive attacs (after the first time when i committed suicide I was diognesed) But fortunatly the medication that i use now works perfect actually (200 mg Seroquel, 200 mg Lamictal per day). When I start to not smoke, the first few days are the most hardest ones for me. But then, I have little detox symtops and actually since the medication starts to work better without mariujana, I start to feel much better in just a few days (I feel much better because I will like a shit during all the time that i smoke alone and pity myself). But then, the mind games start. I feel like "OK, thats it, this is the man i will be after quitting mariujana". Before reading this forum, really I did not know how the marijuana affects very seriously my brain. I have become to this state of mind in 4 years gradually and so I feel its like my all personality changed and I am I guess scared about what will be when I quit marijuana. The memories about my self before the drug seems all blurry now. They are like pictures which belongs to some body else. Anyway, if we return to present time:

When I do not smoke for some days, its like a religion inside me to detox marijana, but then at some 15 minutes during I cycle from home to work, I stop by the coffeeshop and smoke one joint, and then I start to smoke all the time. Its really like my biochemicals are changing when I smoke. Before smoking, if I’m thinking about it 30 minutes a day, the day after I smoke I think about it every minute and try to create a break that I can smoke.

The message happened to be very long but I do not talk about these with anyone (I guess the detox department will help in that respect) and I just hope that I also can share the fellowship here 

And finally I have a question. Although I read all these messages in the rehab group and see actually how my feelings are shared by many other people, how the drug affects my life negatively, I’m just lost in myself that, I feel like my mind, my intelligence, my concentration will not really change when I quit smoke, I will become the man who does not smoke for one week and that’s all.

With intimacy,

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi abiogenesis and welcome to the forum.

I too was self medicating to try to balance myself out, amongst other things I also have a bit of a bipolar tendency, I have read that a lot of people prone to been a bit bipolar self medicate with marijuana. It’s hard to tell how you will be without it, but considering your situation I would monitor very careful how you are reacting, been bipolar you have to be very careful when changing the drugs that you either do or don’t take, in fact given the nature of your situation whatever I did I would probably do fairly slowly and if I did experience any problems make sure that I got in contact with my DR straight away. Anyway I am sure giving up will probably be a good thing, it was for me, self medicating with marijuana for a mental health problem may feel like it is helping but in the long term can often cause more problems than it solves, particularly in terms of anxiety and depression, but like I say keep a close eye on yourself.

Take care, thanks for sharing your story and please keep us posted on how it goes.

[abiogenesis]

Dear Blogger,

Thank You very much for your kind reply. Since the day you replied, I'm motivating myself to write here and start a quitting period but, you know, I was still locked down in that infinite loop of smoking. Anyway, since days I've been motivating myself and I have a plan that I wanted to share

Last week I had a talk with the guy from the detox department. We talked very deeply and he seems to understand me very well. He thinks that my case is quite severe and also we don't know how will my disease react when i quit. Anyhow, as far as i understood, I need a long term treatment and this treatment will start when i start quitting (i always thought like quitting is the main purpose but i now know that it is only the start of a long recovery). Before using cannabis, though i was always bipolar, I was smart, my cognigitive abilities were quite well, i was a very self confident person, and most important of all I was feeling completely 'alive'. Now, its like all of these are gone and i don't know how far they will get better (sometimes i feel like this old me is completely gone and can never be brought back).

Anyway. When i tried to deal with my cannabis problem just by myself, it was always very hard me to struggle with the complete picture of quitting (when i quit for a few days, i always imagined if i will become addicted again if i smoke pot months later, but i always smoked a few days later while imagining the months ahead). This time I want to think myself who is being treated for a severe problem in my life, and i have to be/stay clean to being able to treated. I know that the first few days are the hardest ones for me, but after a few days i start to get concentrated on other things than marijuana and it gets a lot easier. So, here is my plan:

This thursday i have an appointment with detox and if i stay clean until then, ı would be handling the "stopping period" and getting help for the "staying clean period". I also gave myself 2 weeks of holiday at christmas and i will be at my hometown in this period where i will not be able reach pot. The day after return my holiday, I will be going to Switzerland for a conference for one week and again pot will be out of my life during that period. If I'm able to make it to then, I will be not smoking for 5 weeks and this will be quite good start for me i hope.

I will uptade the news

Greetings,

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

That’s ok mate, I hope I have been of some help, I know what it’s like when you using drugs and suffering from a mental health problem, often we will do anything just to get some temporary relief, even if it’s not for the best in the long term. Good luck with your stopping period and thanks for keeping us posted.

Take care