Boyfriend Addicted to Weed - Advice Please

[paw_x]

Hi all.. just looking for a bit of advice here.

Basically, my relationship is now pretty much in tatters due to marijuana. My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 years, have a 4 year old little girl and flat together, but he's about to lose it all because he seems to have pretty much lost his mind due to weed.

He's been smoking it for longer than I've known him, but gave up for years. Then we were both smoking socially and as usual, while I'm happy with the occasional smoke, he seems to go crazy and need it every night. It's the same cycle over and over again; he buys the drug and takes several 'buckets' (like a bong, but different, in case anyone hasn't heard that term) every night [because he's now at the stage where he needs hit after hit each night], then he announces he's going to give up and how this will be his last, then I have to suffer night after night of him starting arguments over nothing, ending up with him being verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me, telling me I've cause the argument (funny, I always cause these arguments when he hasn't had a smoke?!), then eventually ending in him generally acting like a mental patient (saying his life is rubbish, and again with the physical/mental abuse) and declaring that he's done well with having 3 days off the drug and calling his dealer again. He's constantly calling me a liar when I tell him things he's said while he was stoned, he is so sure of himself he won't listen to anything I say. This has been going on for so long I can't even remember when it started.

I don't know what kind of advice I need here -- my questions would be;
(1) is it normal for a guy to be verbally and physically abusive just from withdrawals?
(2) why can I have a joint every once in a while socially yet he seems to need it every night and would rather give up entirely than change to the occasional smoke?
(3) is there any chance at all that this will change -- has anyone behaved like this and came out better, or am I blaming the drug when it's probably just him and his actions?

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi paw x and welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry to hear about your situation, it really does sound very tough. I will answer the specific questions you have asked at the end of your post first and then add anything else that I think is relevant to advise in regards to your situation.

(1) detox from the drug can really affect some people pretty bad, especially psychologically, this can include been physically or verbally abusive. It can sometimes be hard to separate which behaviour is a result of the drug use or detox and which is just them, but considering there is a distinct pattern between him not smoking and these incidents happening, I would say the majority of it is down to his withdrawal, it is something that many people do have to go through as part of the withdrawal, although whether you should have to put up with it is another matter, perhaps it’s reasonable to expect to have to put up with a certain amount (depending on the severity) of verbal conflict, but when it turns into psychical abuse I think you have to draw the line, I don’t think you should have to put up with that under any circumstances.

Even if you decided you wanted to put up with this kind of abuse (which I don’t think you should have to) in order to get to the point where the most likely potential cause of it subsides, the way things are going at the moment that’s never going to happen, while he is quitting for a very short period and then relapsing and repeating the process, it’s keeping you stuck in the worst part of the situation over and over again, as long as this continues the point at which things may become resolved is never going to arrive.

(2) Like with the use of many other drugs, a good example been a drug like cocaine or alcohol, some people can take it or leave it and just use every now and again without it been too much of a problem and others develop a habit and get hooked. And for those who do become addicted to whatever it is they have become addicted to, they often find that it’s an all or nothing situation and the only way to control it is to not to do it at all. That’s just something that is very often one of the traits of addiction.

(3) I behaved pretty bad at times whilst I was hooked on the drug and just like with your boyfriend it’s hard to know for certain what is down to the drug and what is down to the person and or whatever else they are going through at the time. But although it is sometimes hard to know exactly how much of which is actually responsible for what, using drugs often does have a significant effect on these type of situations and even if they are not the only cause can often make things a lot worse. This can especially be the case when it comes to people with mental health problems who are using cannabis. I am sure it is possible for him to detox the drugs and get any other problems he has in regards to his mental health under control, or at least improve them significantly, the one most probably will help the other. But it is going to require a much greater effort on his part, the way things are going at the moment you are locked into a vicious cycle that appears to have little chance of improving. If he can’t do it by himself he may even need some kind of professional help, maybe even some type of rehab.

The one thing I am pretty certain of is that you should not have to put up with someone been physically abusive, no one should have to put up with that. Personally I think the situation is way out of hand, by the time they become physical they usually are, I think it’s probably time to say to him either he gets some kind of professional help, as you don’t seem to be able to resolve this problem by yourselves, or else it’s over and you should get out of there in the mean time. Like I said in another post recently, I don’t take advising somebody to consider leaving someone lightly, usually I would say it’s a decision that only they can make for themselves, but considering he has become physically abusive and that the situation does not look like it’s going to change unless he gets professional help, I really don’t think you have much other choice, while there is physical abuse going on you really need to get out of there strait away, go and stay with somebody else for now, if you have absolutely nowhere else to go try to find a woman’s refuge. It’s far too dangerous a situation to have to put up with who knows where it could lead, the most important thing is to make sure you are safe and only consider going back to him if he seeks professional help and has got through the part where you are at risk of been abused physically. You need to take action, none of it is likely to change until you do.

I know this must be extremely tough, it sounds absolutely terrible, you have my deepest sympathy, I sincerely hope I have been of some help, my thoughts are truly with you.

Take care, take action and please keep us posted on how it goes.

All the best and the best of luck.

[Inpatient Outpatient]

Been there, Done that

Hey, I know a bit about what your going through. My ex had a the drug problem. It made him develop other problems such as getting very short tempered, specially when he didn't have his weed.

He also has this problem where he blames everyone for his mistakes. He blamed the government for everything and it wouldn't surprise me if he was blaming the government for the drug that he helped his dad grow in their house. It's almost retarded I would say. They grew it but yet it is some one else s fault, because I know there's no way in hell that their taking the blame for the drug growing.

That's just an example of some of the weird stuff people think and do when they have a the drug addiction.




(1) is it normal for a guy to be verbally and physically abusive just from withdrawals?
Well yes and no. My ex got short tempered. He would say stupid crap and I was always wrong and the bad guy in that moment where he would want to get high but I wouldn't. He would try and make me feel bad every time I would say no to it. He wouldn't get abusive but it depends on the temper your guy has in the first place, it might depend on how mad he gets when hes on drugs or booze.






(2) why can I have a joint every once in a while socially yet he seems to need it every night and would rather give up entirely than change to the occasional smoke?
I really dont know. I was the same way. I can have a joint and be satisfied with joint, or half a joint, go for a week or two with out smoking and not even mention or feel any want or need to smoke at all.
With my ex, it was always, more weed, in more ways, and the different types. He has tried bongs, gas mask, vaporizer, pipes, joints, hukka, blunt and so many others. He always wanted to try something new when I just wanted to stick to the old fashioned joint. I didnt need anything new or exciting. To him it was always better, less weed, more high. I think its just how you live your life style and how you see yourself. His parents are smokers, all his friends are smokers, every single one. He ditched all the ones that didnt like weed, and all the activities consist of smoking. When you don't have the will power to see that as a problem then that's how addictions happen. When you have the power to say no to a joint in a crowed of people smoking, or say, I have had enough pot for the night, must stop, or say, I have spent to much money this week on pot, must tone it down, or I am smoking at the wrong times during the day (before work, school or homework) I have to change the times, its thoughts like that where it helps you to realize problems. If you can see the small things like that, and put boundaries on them and admit they are happening then most likely you wont have an addiction. The people who are not capable of that, will be heavy pot smokers. Both you and I , have that ability to say no to the big and small things and put boundaries and limitations on it. My ex and your boyfriend are not capable of that, that's why their stuck with these addictions they probably can't even recognize and we are not.


(3) is there any chance at all that this will change -- has anyone behaved like this and came out better, or am I blaming the drug when it's probably just him and his actions?

Well my ex didn't change at all. Like I was saying he doesn't think he has a problem. He thinks its the government that has a problem with him doing something that's innocent and legal (smoking and growing) He is almost restarted as I see it. That was one big thing that made me leave him, most of the stuff he said, didn't make any sense what so ever. It had no logic to it. He got busted for grow up, getting charged, lost their power, probably searching there house for mold as that's what happens, and their probably saying they have none which they most likely do (their house wasn't that clean) both the parents are jobless, and my ex lost me all because of weed. The hole family doesn't care. They still think the pot life is the way to go and live, which is fine, but all it's done has gotten them no where. Well maybe jail time, but they have achieved nothing. They have lost everything, but achieved nothing, they haven't gained anything from pot and probably never will, but they don't see that. This is a family I am talking about, and they wont change. Not in a million years, even if they loose their house, they will still think, pot is the way to go.

It's very unlikely he will change. I know my ex wouldn't change, so I let him live the life he wanted to live, but had the right to not be a part of it. I didn't want to go down with them. You should think about where your boyfriend is going, and weather he is headed towards the same direction as this family I am talking about. With pot you have everything to loose and nothing to gain. First step for your boyfriend is to admit he has a problem, and to want to find a solution to it. If he says he is shining like the sun and is fine, then theres a problem.

Just think of weather you want to go down hill with him or not. I was headed that direction at one point but like I said, I have the ability to see myself as some one else would see me and say stop, to much. These guys just see straight forward and not at themselves.

So if you think your guy has the ability to look at himself in a negative way, seeing problems, and bad habits and all that and admitting and trying to fix them then stick around and try and help, but if hes blaming you for everything and not wanting to fix his problem, the honey, you have to walk away before its to late!

[Unregistered (Tamer)]

Help Him...

Hi there, I don't know you, But consider me have the same problem as ur bf, and I just wanna tell u,, Help him, Stand by him, Never give him up, coz once you do, he will be more lost. he will be dead alive. as my gf left me and didn't try to help me. but i'm going to help myself after reading what u wrote. she blamed me for the same things and i didn't realize it. but now I do. but as long as he want to quit...... never leave him and help.


Tamer Eltayeb
eltayeb_tamer@hotmail.com