Tweet
Weed is no cool.
 |
Hi guys. Well I cannot overemphasize how much I feel the above statement. Just now I've been reading the online information on pot addiction and I see that I am a textbook case. I have all the faults of pot addiction i.e the all pervading anxiety that follows you everywhere coz you're ALWAYS thinking about the drug and when you'll next smoke, the social isolation coz ALL YOUR TIME is spent smoking the drug and watching terribly boring television, the general slothfulness, which is just fancy speak for acting like a lazy bum, the total lack of drive to pursue any of the good things in life, the terrible see-saw of thought/emotions of "Never again Will I ever smoke this absolutely horrible drug again!" to "Man, the sweet cool chill of this awesome morning needs to be blessed by some funky green," and all the crazy thoughts in between.
I can describe my present state as one of silent suffering. I especially abhor my lack of resolve as regards this issue. I've just read that that means I'm in a "pre-contemplative stage where I'm experiencing ambivalent feelings towards my 'drug problem'". Problem is I've been smoking for 6 years (I'm 22) and I've been trying to detox for the last two or so, so I figure I should pretty much be past 'pre-contemplation'. I've not had any major success to report but I did manage to stop for at least a month before and another time for one and a half weeks which was especially tranquil, I remember. Otherwise, my routine has been: wake at 7, smoke, waste-rest-of-day regretting-it-and-smoke-further-since-you-already-tripped-up-anyway. It been like this day in and day out for years. I especially despise what I choose to call the 'threshold feeling' which is when you are like you can feel the solution is tantalizingly near yet it frustratingly never reveals itself. This is because I know for a fact that the drug does bad things in my life and the simple solution is to not light up anymore. Yet I cant make that decision to save my own life.
Thus I have been forced to confront the possibility that I may just be a jelly-backed wimp with no backbone or testicular fortitude of any kind, since here we have a problem that has slowly engulfed every aspect of your life and further threatens your very well-being and prosperity,and here I am not doing anything about it. That must mean that I am not a real man, doesn't it? Since we know real men go after the good things, real men make practical, sensible decisions don't they? So this must mean I have tiny nuts. Coz I always choose the easy, wimpy, neurotic, and mundane, over the challenging, brave, confident and sensible. My inability to cultivate the resolve to better my life has led to a very steady descent of my self image. I normally have feelings of general worthlessness and undeserving. Consequently, as painful as it is for me to admit, I haven't had a girl for a long time leading to very real sexual frustrations.
Another aspect of this thing that I see is the obsessiveness. I think about this 'problem of mine' CONSTANTLY. I have known no peace in my head for a long time. My thoughts run in a continuous 'Weed-Loop' and I never do anything without thinking if I should just smoke the drug instead. I try, but I cant remember what it was like to think about things like normal people without the intrusive the drug thoughts incessantly nudging at you. I also think about my 'addiction' alot. I fear that I may be somehow addicted to 'my problem' and that is why I am like this. Does this make any sense to any one?
Finally, typical of all 'addicts', I can talk about my 'wasted potential'. I am tall, handsome, athletic, intelligent, sensitive and a host of other good adjectives. I like to draw and am pretty good. I also like guitar and I think I can be very good in that also not to mention a natural singing ability. I also harboured dreams of becoming a writer someday. Needless to say that evil the drug has ensured that I haven't practiced any of my passions in a long time and so I'm in a permanent state of block. I've come to realise that potential isn't worth very much on its own so, the above statements about my passions don't and will never mean a thing if they are not EXPLOITED. So the thoughts that I romantically hold of 'But I have so much 'potential' are useless in themselves. and thats that.
Thanks for letting me get this of my chest.
I can describe my present state as one of silent suffering. I especially abhor my lack of resolve as regards this issue. I've just read that that means I'm in a "pre-contemplative stage where I'm experiencing ambivalent feelings towards my 'drug problem'". Problem is I've been smoking for 6 years (I'm 22) and I've been trying to detox for the last two or so, so I figure I should pretty much be past 'pre-contemplation'. I've not had any major success to report but I did manage to stop for at least a month before and another time for one and a half weeks which was especially tranquil, I remember. Otherwise, my routine has been: wake at 7, smoke, waste-rest-of-day regretting-it-and-smoke-further-since-you-already-tripped-up-anyway. It been like this day in and day out for years. I especially despise what I choose to call the 'threshold feeling' which is when you are like you can feel the solution is tantalizingly near yet it frustratingly never reveals itself. This is because I know for a fact that the drug does bad things in my life and the simple solution is to not light up anymore. Yet I cant make that decision to save my own life.
Thus I have been forced to confront the possibility that I may just be a jelly-backed wimp with no backbone or testicular fortitude of any kind, since here we have a problem that has slowly engulfed every aspect of your life and further threatens your very well-being and prosperity,and here I am not doing anything about it. That must mean that I am not a real man, doesn't it? Since we know real men go after the good things, real men make practical, sensible decisions don't they? So this must mean I have tiny nuts. Coz I always choose the easy, wimpy, neurotic, and mundane, over the challenging, brave, confident and sensible. My inability to cultivate the resolve to better my life has led to a very steady descent of my self image. I normally have feelings of general worthlessness and undeserving. Consequently, as painful as it is for me to admit, I haven't had a girl for a long time leading to very real sexual frustrations.
Another aspect of this thing that I see is the obsessiveness. I think about this 'problem of mine' CONSTANTLY. I have known no peace in my head for a long time. My thoughts run in a continuous 'Weed-Loop' and I never do anything without thinking if I should just smoke the drug instead. I try, but I cant remember what it was like to think about things like normal people without the intrusive the drug thoughts incessantly nudging at you. I also think about my 'addiction' alot. I fear that I may be somehow addicted to 'my problem' and that is why I am like this. Does this make any sense to any one?
Finally, typical of all 'addicts', I can talk about my 'wasted potential'. I am tall, handsome, athletic, intelligent, sensitive and a host of other good adjectives. I like to draw and am pretty good. I also like guitar and I think I can be very good in that also not to mention a natural singing ability. I also harboured dreams of becoming a writer someday. Needless to say that evil the drug has ensured that I haven't practiced any of my passions in a long time and so I'm in a permanent state of block. I've come to realise that potential isn't worth very much on its own so, the above statements about my passions don't and will never mean a thing if they are not EXPLOITED. So the thoughts that I romantically hold of 'But I have so much 'potential' are useless in themselves. and thats that.
Thanks for letting me get this of my chest.
Comment