How a Bad Influence Is Stealing My Man,

[Shookaa1990]

Its been a year and a half.

My boyfriend and I have been together through almost everything. Everything that matters anyway. He's the most outgoing person you will ever meet, and I think for the first time in my life, I might be feeling something I have never felt. Love. I like to think of him as my trooper. He goes through a lot of shit with me sometimes, and yet he still sticks around. Even when things get almost too unbearable for myself, he's right there beside me. He's just that way.

This is where the story starts......

My boyfriend and I are inseparable. We like to do almost everything together. My mother kicked me out of my house last year, and I have lived with my boyfriend since. I have to say, I feel real bad sometimes. If I was him, I certainly would have gone crazy by now. I don't know how he puts up with me. Anyway, hes got this friend. Lets call him Jack. My boyfriend has known Jack for a long long time. They went to high school together, and then, when he was going into his last year, he moved away from Jack. He moved down here to my town, and I guess you could say, picked up from where he left off.

Jack wasn't always like this. He didn't always live every day of his life being high. As far as I know, he was a pretty smart guy, and liked doing regular things. He liked school, and as I recall one of his favorite classes was Photography. Anyways, you see, he met this girl. Jack met this really awesome girl, and they dated for almost three years. Until recently when the Authorities became involved in a Marijuana related incident. Pretty much, his dad got busted with a grow-op that Jack willingly helped out with. Jack knew all the consequences of this but continued on with his work. Jack became immersed in this life. Everyday was weed. Every walk, ever meal, every break, every night, every cuddle, every movie or video game, every trip, and every hangout. It's all about weed. It always has been, and for this addict, probably always will be.

Back to the story...... My boyfriend likes hanging out with Jack. When my boyfriend was younger, he tried killing himself when he was at Jacks house one day. He had no job, no girlfriend, nothing really great in his life, and I guess he just figured he didn't deserve to be here any longer, and that's when he decided to down an entire bottle of Advil. Yeah, not a good idea. I ask him about that weekend from time to time. What was going through his head exactly? Why did he think he had no other option? Well since then, whenever my boyfriend hangs out with Jack, he gets high. They have also started experimenting with other drugs. Mixing shrooms and acid together, smoking catnip (never heard of that until I was told) and other stupid things.
He will come home and tell me about the stupid things that have happened, and how the road is one giant snake. I can't say I am completely innocent. I have tried acid once, and I don't really remember if I liked it.

All in all, I fear that Jack has become a really bad influence on my boyfriend, and I have no way of letting anybody know this without getting screamed at. My boyfriend is a good boy. He is straight 80s at our college, and he's got a pretty decent job teaching guitar lessons. He also has a side job managing 2 fast food places.

At first, I was a bit blind to the things Jack was and is really doing. He gets my boyfriend so high he can't remember things, he shows him all these new drugs and says they are good for him, and of course my boyfriend being really messed just sits there and takes. He comes down once or twice a year to stay with us. The last time he was down the pair of them were messed out of their minds for the entire 4 days that Jack was here. It got so bad that Jack was knocking on our bedroom door in the morning asking if we were awake so he could come in and light a bowl. By the end of it, I couldn't wait for Jack to leave. Everything he does involves the drug or some kind of other drug and he pressures my boy into doing it too.

Jack has all these tools that he uses for his drugs, and unlike before, you can always find something on him. He's never completely sober, and he's always asking me to let my boyfriend go see him.

I am not saying I am an angel, but I have gone to school. Teachers these days are pretty smart. They show you the repercussions of drugs and alcohol as well. At least, my teachers did. So I know what he's doing to himself in the long shot. He's a bit overweight now, and all I want is for him to be healthy. I want to tell Jack he's a bad influence and that I don't want my boy to be going up there to visit and that I don't want Jack down here visiting. The real problem is my boyfriend doesn't see how I am being hurt. It hurts watching all of this happen, and not having a way to say "You know what? Stop!" or simply "No!"

I know Jacks ex girlfriend. Her and I are pretty good friends. She left Jack after he got busted with his dad for the grow-op. She told him she couldn't handle the drugs. Its getting so bad now that Jack is forcefully making this a part of my life too. He's sucking my boy into a pit that I am scared one day he wont be able to get out of. I know this story isn't about me being addicted or even a close friend. I just didn't know any other way of wording this story any better.

I love my boyfriend, but he's being sucked into a life I really hate, and I have absolutely no way of telling him this. He wont listen.

[Inpatient Outpatient]

Peace to you

Okay first of all, don't do either of the things you just listed in your poll. All those options will lead to bad news.

Sounds like you have a problem. Situation sounds familiar to my own situation I had. My ex was a chronic smoker. His friends were chronic smokers, and his parents were as well. It was very stressful because when I stopped smoking only I could see how this was a problem. All his friends were by his side, every step of the way. Some even cheered him on when he got busted, supporting the act it self.

One of the biggest problems I had with him was that he couldn't see how what he was doing was wrong. I think I have pretty much figured it out why it was so hard for him to see it. Influence. It was the influence he had all around him. His best friends and his parents, they were all for pot to, and when I turned around and said "hey this is wrong." he had all his friends and family back him up.

One thing that needs to change with Jack, as he seems to share a lot in common with ex, is change the influence. It may not get to him if lets say me only just turns around and says, stop smoking, but if four or five friends of his turn around and say Jack you have a problem, then he might consider listening.

Have a talk with Jack as well? Do not bring him down in any way, shape or form. Do not mention anything about the influence he has on your man. Ask him some questions like

Hey jack, tell me how many bowls you smoked today?
How much money did you spend this week on weed?
When was the last time you watched a nice movie with out weed?
Why did your dad get busted jack?
Why did this great girl leave you jack?
How long can you go with out the drug for? Or does the thought cripple you?

Talk to jack and try and get him to answers these questions or questions like this because when he answers them, its all coming out of his own mouth, its not anyone else saying when was the last time he had a joint and stuff, he is telling himself.

I think your best bet is to try and help jack out. Help him out first. Also go to your boyfriend, sit him down and ask him one simple question. Ask him..."Does Jack have a problem with the drug to you." "Does he smoke it to much, or talk about it to much do you think." and your boyfriends answer will show how he sees this friends smoking habits and maybe clue you in to if its negative feeling about it or not.

Situation like this are really hard. I have been there. I have stood up and said this is wrong while everyone threw it back into my face that I was wrong. the drug has come first in my relationship and seeing my ex destroy himself and running out of options, ideas and support just murdered me in side.

Now I am gone and my ex has the freedom and the will to smoke how much he wants when ever he wants because I was thee only one telling him no. No one else around him was saying "hey your developing a problem."

It's also hard as well because the drug is what probably brings your trio together. You guys probably plan before hand whose bringing weed, how much is going to be smoked, what kind of weed, what drugs you will be mixing it with or what tools your smoking it with.

You guys have to take that a way. Its not really friendship that's keeping you guys together, its weed. If everything you do, say, or feel is because of weed, then there's no real friendship there.

Like my ex, he HAS to be high when he is with his friends. Is Jack like this? Is there a moment where you can think of where Jack said "no not today" or I not right now, or maybe later? Or has he taken that joint no matter what time of day or who hes with? Has jack ever turned down the drug at all?

If not he sounds like my ex. Like I said he HAS to be high with his friends. There's only one time I recall that he wasn't high with his two friends and that was his birthday surprisingly enough. They were acutely planning on getting high but my ex had to do something for his dad so no one got high, and I was thankful, he was pissed because he told me later on that night, that, that was the only thing he looked forward to all night.

So re-cap. DO NOT do any of the above on your poll. Try and talk some sense into Jack. I think he needs another influence besides pro pot people. Do not mention anything about the bad influence thing to Jack. If he may choose to do something about his problem he is going to need his confidence.

Start with that for now. Be there for Jack. Uncounsicly try and lour him away from the weed. If he is telling you how he smoked the drug during Avatar or something, which he probably did, it is 3D, tell him wow sounds fun, maybe we can all try watching is with out the drug one day.
Try and give him the hints that life can be better with out weed. Be peaceful, do not be aggressive. Try and get him to realize that he has a problem by asking those questions for starters and let him answer it, let him say the words of why his parents are in a mess up, or why his relationship failed. He has to say the words and you CAN NOT let him blame anyone else, or make excuses if he chooses to do so.

I hope this helped, feel free to keep us updated.

[Detoxer]

your boyfriend sounds smart enough, smart enough to make his own decisions

if he is getting high it is his choice, i think you blaming his friend isn't really fair???... does this friend force drugs on your bf or does he pressure him to get high???

after all if your boyfriend keeps going back and hanging out with this guy and getting stoned then i would say that your issue is with your bf not his friend

talk to you bf about his drug use and tell him you don't like it

[Shookaa1990]

To Nakisai- Hey I hope you know who I am girl. Thanks for the advice again. You found me without me having to tell you who I was on here. Lol

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi Shookaa1990 and welcome to the forum.

I will be totally honest and say I am not entirely sure what you should do, all I can really advise is that you have a serious talk with your boyfriend, tell him how you feel and see if you can make any progress, perhaps you can reach a solution that is acceptable for both of you. All I can really say is I don’t think you joining in will help the situation.

Good luck, take care and please keep us posted.

[Shookaa1990]

Hi Shookaa1990 and welcome to the forum.

I will be totally honest and say I am not entirely sure what you should do, all I can really advise is that you have a serious talk with your boyfriend, tell him how you feel and see if you can make any progress, perhaps you can reach a solution that is acceptable for both of you. All I can really say is I don’t think you joining in will help the situation.

Good luck, take care and please keep us posted.

I'm not sure either. It really bugs the hell out of me and I don't know if I am just over reacting or if I am in the wrong or if I am doing the right thing. I don't want to hurt anybody, but I don't want to be hurt myself.

I wasn't planning on starting what "Jack" is doing. I know what it will do to me and it isn't a road I want to take. I'd rather be healthy and live a good and healthy life.

Agh. Life stinks sometimes.

[Inpatient Outpatient]

Weed Sucks!

Ya, you don't want to start what Jack is doing, then you will end up being Jack. It hurts seeing your boy go down that road, I know I have been there. I think your best bet is to talk with your man and let him know that, his smoking with Jack is bugging you, or talk about your worry with the influence Jack has on him.

If your man won't listen, or thinks there isn't a problem, then it looks all to familiar, in a bad way. He will either agree with you, or resent it. It can only go two ways.

Try talking with your man first, hopefully he agrees because if he doesn't he might go off telling Jack a more dramatic version of the story and they might team up against you, and you don't want that.

Talk to your boyfriend and Jack separately, I would recommend talking to Jack first, just in case your boyfriend doesn't agree, and runs off and starts telling Jack false stories about you.

Talk to Jack about the weekend you speak of. Sounds pretty awful. If they were just high the hole time, its kind of hard to say he wasn't when you can back it up 100%

Anyways, good luck!

[TheDude]

All in all, I fear that Jack has become a really bad influence on my boyfriend, and I have no way of letting anybody know this without getting screamed at. My boyfriend is a good boy.

This part of your post stuck out to me the most. If your boyfriend is using, he is doing so because he wants to. He is making that decision.

At some point, we have to decide to live not by expecting others to change, but by changing ourselves.

If you can't be happy in a relationship as it is now, and don't see him changing even after you have communicated your feelings to him (in a non threatening way), you can make a choice to either wait it out or change direction.

Most of all, take care of you.

[Shookaa1990]

This part of your post stuck out to me the most. If your boyfriend is using, he is doing so because he wants to. He is making that decision.

At some point, we have to decide to live not by expecting others to change, but by changing ourselves.

If you can't be happy in a relationship as it is now, and don't see him changing even after you have communicated your feelings to him (in a non threatening way), you can make a choice to either wait it out or change direction.

Most of all, take care of you.

I guess your right. Time will tell.

[lugi88]

personally, losing my girlfriend did not make me quit smoking weed, she made it very clear, maryjane or me, and i told her, i cannot quit for anyone except myself. this was 2 years ago
ultimately, it was the truth, i'm only quitting now to better myself

[Inpatient Outpatient]

Mmmhmm

Girl, as long as your still on the weed, he ain't going to give two shits what you think.

Just keep that in mind.

Have fun at the Marijuana March with him this year.

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

Been there

I have been on this road before. I was dating a guy and I thought I could handle it. Which I could at first. But then it became aparent that the drug was more important. His supplier was out of town and if we were anywhere within 10 miles of the suppliers house we HAD to stop. I couldn't even enjoy a day out of town with my boyfriend. It became difficult. I have had smoke allergies my whole life. I expressed to him that I couldn't be around it. Yet it was "oh can we stop by my buddies real quick, I promise no more than a few minutes I haven't seen them in a couple of days" and we'd stop cause I understand guys need their buddies, but 30 minutes later they ALL were stoned and I was forced to drive home with him REEKING of pot smoke. Which in turn acted up my allergies and I suffered. While he was sober one day I expressed to him, I can't go around it anymore period and I can't be around you when you've done it. It effects my allergies too much and makes me miserable for days. He said "Ok I'm sorry sweetie", you know the drill ladies. So I knew pretty much right then this wouldn't last. He stuck to it for a couple of weeks and then it went from bad to better to worse! He started ditching me, I'd be with him AND his son (2yrs) and he's pay off his little brother so watch his son and say "the guys wanna hang out" and then look at me. I knew what was going on I wasn't stupid. He was leaving both me and his son behind because pot was more important. He was also putting his son to bed early so he could leave once asleep (moved back in with his parents as of result of losing his job due to layoff) to go smoke pot. That was when I drew the line, it's one thing to be doing it to me, a replaceable girlfriend. But to his own son who loved him I found unreasonable. So I told him it was either slow down on the drug smoking or I wasn't going to be around to watch how he was treating people. He, of course, gave me the "ok I'm sorry hunny" and did slow down smoking, but one night I stopped by on my way home from work to find him so stoned he was just staring at the computer screen not even watching what he was doing. I didn't stay long and realized when I left I had only one option left. So I ended up breaking up with him. I had expressed my feelings and opinion on it with out being b*tchy or even a single fight coming about, I hadn't even asked him to stop completely. But all in all he didn't respect me, the drug was more important. In result of me breaking up with him he promised to get clean all together. Even after me saying that I couldn't do it (essentially because I didn't believe him) he did stop smoking for 2 weeks. Which I found amazing, but all of his smoking buddies and his parents confirmed it. But at that point other things came about in my life that he didn't agree with, he had quit smoking for me so I should be there at his every becking call, and he got mad when I wouldn't do that. So we ended up not speaking for quite a while.

I'm not here to bash on pot and say it's horrible and the worst drug ever. I can honestly say I have NEVER smoked it and never handled it. I choose to stay away from that and it has no interest to me. I think in moderation it can be good for some people, medical disorders, anxiety, stress, etc. But only in moderation, everyday and it being a priority is another thing.

Talk to some trusted friends if you can, I didn't have anyone to do that with as most of my friends and family would have lost it if they found out I was dating someone who smoked pot. Sometimes talking to someone who won't judge or will just listen even if they don't give you a response will help, hearing yourself talk sometimes brings about the decision you know you need to follow. I still care alot about my ex (known him for 10+ years) and currently talk to him from time to time, but I personally for my mental and physical health will not date someone where it is a priority in their life over familly.

I have a very wise older friend (20+ yrs older than me) who gave me some great advice one day she said "Now sit back and think if one of your best friends came to you and just explained that story to you, what advice would you give her?" I have found this to be very helpful to me in tough situations and have never regretted a decision made by following those words. I hope my story may help you some, I know it kind of rambled on, but sometimes listening to other people stories help.

[Shookaa1990]

personally, losing my girlfriend did not make me quit smoking weed, she made it very clear, maryjane or me, and i told her, i cannot quit for anyone except myself. this was 2 years ago
ultimately, it was the truth, i'm only quitting now to better myself

That's really awesome! Good for you! I wish he could see the harm he is doing to himself. I fear that if I lose him, I wont know what to do. I love him so much, and I don't think he gets it.

[Inpatient Outpatient]

Pot makes you do some pretty weird things. A big one is not seeing the good that's put front in front of a pot smoker. They will take things for granted. Even if you love him and will do anything for him, that doesn't matter, because its called me diluted.