Advice when your dealing with a spouse who is quitting marijuana

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

I need some advice on how to help with the quitting process. My husband has been smoking pot daily for over 20yrs. It has been a constant battle between us and it has been decided that if he cannot give up we will be separate. We have 2 small children that we do not want to grow up with angry parents or in the presence of pot.

He has now gone 5 days without smoking. I can see the pain in his eyes and want to help him but don't know how. I have spoken to counsellors but believe the best advice might come from people who are giving up themselves.

The first 4 days seemed to be ok. We went away and I think that helped a lot. Now that we are back home the anger and emotional instability has appeared. Unfortunately I end up being the one he takes it out on. I know he doesn't mean the horrible things he says but it's hard to take. He has given up 20+ times before and I believe this is one of the longest times he has been without for the last 5 yrs.

Is it possible to give up by yourself after such a long dependency? Has anyone ever used antidepressants to help? What do I do when he lashes out or gets angry, is it best to ignore, comfort?

[program jb3]

Is it possible to give up by yourself after such a long dependency? Has anyone ever used antidepressants to help? What do I do when he lashes out or gets angry, is it best to ignore, comfort?

I think it is possible to do it by yourself after so long, and there are a few threads here about that exact thing. I think someone has quit after 37 years.

Antidepressants can take a while to start working, so by the time it starts, he may be over the worst of it. If he's having mental health issues they might not go away after recovering, so antidepressants can be helpful with that. I've learned that I do not do well without them.

As far as the lashing out, I definitely have an opinion on that: ignore and retreat! When I am irritable, nothing my wife says is helpful. I'll argue and argue with anything she says, and when she tries to help it still bothers me. Usually after I say something, and she ignores it, I calm down and realize I was wrong. It's definitely better that way.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi and welcome to the forum

I think that’s probably good advice, I am not saying don’t be there for him, sure if he wants support listen and try to help, but if you are just in his way whatever you do, then in these instances it’s probably best to try not to react and maybe even give him a bit of space, at the end of the day the problem is a result of what’s going on in his brain and not you, thankfully you know this so try to keep it in mind when you are struggling to cope, I am afraid it’s just something he will have to go through but it will pass. As far as the medication goes that’s a tough one, it’s a personal choice as to whether the person feels they need it or not, I would try to avoid it if you can as for most people it is something that passes, but perhaps it depends on how bad it gets, there may well be some who feel they need them, like I say it’s a bit of a personal choice.

Feel free to lean on us any time that you feel you are in need of support, take care, thanks for posting and please keep us posted on how it goes.

All the best

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

Thank you both for your advice. I tried the ignore tactic last night and it worked so much better than my usual trying to make everything better or shouting back. He even opened up to me about his feelings towards quitting which has never happened when he is in the midst of trying. The usual scenerio is me asking too many questions, trying to figure out if he has had a smoke during the day. So yes I am learning, it's about him not me. Sometimes it's hard to remember after so many years.
I know there will be hard times ahead but it's nice to have a calm day thrown in there. Hope he knows how proud I am of him!!! 6 days and counting...

[Vixsin]

Way to go!

I just wanted to chime in and say that you're doing a really good job. I can't imagine how difficult it is to watch him going through something so rough and not be able to take away his pain. You are doing the best thing that you can and that is standing by him through this tough time. There is light at the end of the tunnel. It's going to be a constant struggle for him for a long time, but it will get easier. I am really excited for you that he opened up about his feelings while he is going through this. That will be the best thing you can do for him a lot of the time is just listen. He is going to have so many thoughts and feelings that he is not used to because he was always high and would cover them up. Now that he is getting sober, he is going to need you by his side to show him that it's ok to FEEL those feelings and to remind him that he is not crazy, it's just his brain coming back around and getting used to the idea that the pot is not going to be there anymore. I'm especially glad to hear that you know he doesn't mean to lash out, because I'm sure he truly doesn't.

Stand by your man, honey. He will appreciate you even more as you support him in this journey! I feel that it will bring the two of you closer than ever before.

Best of luck and please keep us posted.

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

It's everything I ever dreamed it would be

Thanks for your kind words Vixsin.

12 days and still going strong. I have to admit I am amazed and I really didn't think he would do it. I'm waiting for someone to pinch me. It is everything I ever dreamed it would be... I have my husband back, the kids have a rockin dad and to top it off he is so happy and proud of himself.

I still stress out everytime he goes and does anything that before included pot (so that pretty much includes any activity at all). I am biting my tongue because I want to show him how much I believe in him but it takes discipline not to say anything after all these years.

I have decided that I can go one of two ways here. Either worry every minute that he will relapse, which is a big possibility, or enjoy the time I have right now. So I'm going to enjoy myself and we will deal with the bumps when they appear.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi Unregistered Guest, I am glad to hear it is going so well and that your new approach is working, good advice folks. Yeah I think you are right I think you just have to trust and live in the moment.

Take care

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

Hi Unregistered Guest I wish your husband all the best and he is lucky to have your support I too was a long time 24/7 user and in one week it will be 12months since I smoked and I had to do it all alone. My wife is still a full time smoker so it has been around me the whole time but I knew after 37years of smoking I had to give it up. The first two week giving up was pretty easy for me but the third week it realy hit me hard but then I found CannabisRehab.org and it helped I have read the posts every day since . I still have bad days with depression but i think it will take a couple of years for my brain to get over so many years of punishment. So if your husband realy wants to give he will do it because 12months ago I did not think it was possable for me to ever give it up he just has to take one day at a time and he has your support all the best. Dale

[Detox Me]

Hope hubby is still holding strong. And So are u. I have been in the same situation except viceversa... I am the one quitting and my wife has been the one suffering what you have. I have been clean for 9 months minus two days. All my horrible attitude and depression while I was smoking lead my wife to leave me. So thats when I hit rock bottom and quit. The hard procces of this 9 months I have suffered it alone but I think it was for the best.

My humble adive would be: ignore him when he gets abusive... let him have a lot of alone time to think and meditate... care for his health (lots of liquid, healthy balanced diet, all that has been talked about) maybe if he wants to go to the psychiatrist to see the depression... but above all respect his decisions.. dont pressure to much...

And celebrate every small victory! If he says he has been clean for a month buy a cake or whatever but dont embarrass him with to much..

This is his fight and he will apreciate you beening in his corner but dont get in to the ring to help him.

hope any of what I wrote makes sense

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hey Tonka good to hear from you thanks for checking back, well done on your 9 months mark I think you are doing great! I think that’s good advice only the addict can beat addiction although having someone in your corner between rounds sure does help, like you say let him take it in his own time and you will get there in the end.

Take care folks

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

help

My partner is a daily user, who hasn't been able to get a hold of marijuana for the last week. I believe, know he is going through withdrawal. He is constantly angry and irritable, loses his temper very easily and shows signs of depression. We go through this every time he is unable to use for a considerable amount of time, though this time it seems worse than ever. The most frustrating thing is that he will not admit to having a dependency. He tells me he needs it to manage his anger. We have recently spoke about having a child, but I refuse to bring a child into our household until this problem is under control.

All of the advice above is great and I plan to take it on board, but I really need some advice on how to make him see that he has a dependency in the first place.

Please help.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

Unfortunately getting the person to see they have a problem is often the hardest part, I suppose that’s why they say admitting the problem is half the battle. It’s hard to know what to advise from my experience it’s often not until things get really bad that many people in that situation are prepared to recognise they have a problem, so keep trying by all means I am not saying you should give up, but personally I think that it’s not until something happens or clicks within him that he is going to see things from your point of view. I don’t blame you for refusing to bring a child into that kind of situation, maybe that will be his motivation if it’s something he wants badly enough, perhaps that could be his wake up call.

Take care, thanks for posting and please keep us posted on how it goes.

All the best

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

No sign of quitting

My husband started when he was 17 and now he's 57 and has had weed free gaps of even years in between our up and down marriage. But this time he seems to have no remorse, almost taking it as a birthright to smoke pot as he is a hard worker and that was never an issue.
I am totally dejected and completely ignored by him since he took it again after a two month abstinence since the last effort.
I can't even talk to him any more, so I email advise which he does not respond to as he does not even read them
Please help.

[PlantManager]

Broken Record

My husband is in complete denial that his usage has any effect on our family. I've been to a councelor, we almost divorced this past summer, he says he wants to quit, admits to his addiction, lies about his usage, says he will see a councelor, has not yet, he is on antidepressants, along with his marijuana usage, with the occasional alcohol. Major anxiety issues, sleeps all the time, I see no light at the end of the tunnel

[Alice]

Hi PlantManager,

I am sorry that you are feeling so frustrated with this situation. I guess the bottom line is that the only thing that is in your control is your own behaviour. You have pretty much zero control over his behaviour.

My psychologist gave me some advice once about when you want someone to do something. Rather standing on the other side of the room and trying to drag them towards you, it can be easier and more successful to stand next to them and nudge them in the right direction.

I am so sorry, because I don't think this is what you want to hear.

The only other help that I can give you, is to let you know that it took me years to get from the point of being in denial, and being completely lost in a cloud of smoke to being clean, free, productive and connected. It can be a long journey, because I think that the drug makes us think that it is all too hard, and we are/were holding onto the high and the good feelings that it gives us. That was what happened with me anyway. I was so scared to let it go. I thought I wouldn't be able to function, and I thought I would miss the good feelings.

I don't (well, not with any real passion)! Life is a million times better. The point is that I didn't know that then, no matter what anyone told me, I wouldn't believe them.

Counselling did really help me. Again, he has to want to try this himself.

For me, success was more motivating than focussing on the negatives. When I took a step forward, it felt good and that motivated me to keep moving forward.

Sorry, I can't be more help. Except to say, that yes, it is possible!

I also know of a different psychologist who says that you can't work on a relationship with someone who is addicted to something. It is like there is another person in the relationship. Apparently, he needs to work on his addiction before he can work on your relationship. Just another perspective.

I wish you all the very best with this difficult situation!