Two Steps Forward, One Back

[MoveableFeast]

I have never posted in a rehab group before. I think that this will be good for me, cathartic in a way that confession is for Catholics.

I cannot claim to have lost 10 years to an addiction. I can't claim to have ever spent $40 in a day on my marijuana addicition. I could tell you that at my worst I only smoked about $100 to $150 a month. But, none of that information really matters. I feel like I have lost too much time to my marijuana abuse. I know I am not meeting my potential. I want to fashion a different reality than the one I have known too well in my 20's. I have already proven I can stop smoking for months on end and then, inevitably, I always go back to my morning-noon-and-night approach when I have it on hand. I am tired of going two steps forward only to always take one step back.

I have never lost a job to weed. I have never forgotten to do anything really important. But I have forgotten myself. I have slipped into the immediate bliss of apathy only to resurface and feel enraged that I had not done something that really mattered to me (in my sober mind).

I live in a world where the drug is considered almost miraculous. Every day several more "medical" dispensaries pop up around the place I work. At least 75% of the people I know smoke the drug and most of them more than recreationally. In the western part of the United States, even God-fearing people seem to smoke with abandon. Their justification is that God made it so it can't be that bad.

I don't think that marijuana does to everybody else what it does to me. Somehow I can't shake the feeling, the screams of my voice inside that I have got to detox and stay smoke free. My conscience is telling me that my happiness exists in a world where I honor my body and mind and that I accept the idea that there is more out there for me.

I have had luck with my months of abstinence. I love how I feel and how I interact with other people.

But, I could really use some help in staying quit. Does anyone have any resources, links, or personal stories that will help me stay sober. I want to stay THC free once and for all!

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi MovableFeast and welcome to the forum.

Thankfully it doesn’t sound like you have been as negatively affected by the drug as some of the other people here, but it does sound like it is stifling you in a more subtle way and limiting your potential, which although may not seem that drastic right now as time goes by it can make more of a difference than you may think, anyway it seems like you have good reason to want to quit.

Personally the God made it thing really makes me laugh, God also made the opium poppy and the stuff most people smoke these days is a result of extreme interference by man, God did not spend years selectively breading it, grow it under intense artificial lights and feed it chemicals that if we were to take them would probably grow extra arms, there’s nothing natural about it and even if it was it wouldn’t automatically make it safe. Anyway I won’t digress into that any further, it’s just something that I find a bit crazy that you often hear in regards to how wonderful marijuana is, not that it sounds like you buy into all that, although I know I did for a good while.

Have a read through some of the other posts, I think you will find plenty of other stories and advice. You may want to check out our how to detox marijuana post. Well done on your decision to detox we will be with you all the way!

Take care, thanks for posting and please keep us posted on how it goes.

All the best.

[In Treatment]

I'm not entirely sure how it relates to catholics, Unless your speaking about religious people in general. God also made poisonous mushrooms and plants that will kill you or harm you in numerous other ways.

I'm not religious, but my "belief" (for lack of a better word) is that there is far too much in this universe (and outside of this universe) for anyone to understand and therefore align themselves to a specific religious, or even to atheism. Theres more than what we see with our own eyes. That being said, if there is a god, than he gives us the choice, to make our own choices. We can choose to eat veggies and be nourished, or smoke pot and get high, or eat poisonous plants and die.

I feel that unless someone has willingly chosen to smoke pot forever, which i believe few have, than we all have a voice inside ourselves that sneaks its way through the pleasent feelings and wild emotions of a drug trip and tells us what we truly feel. Whenever i smoke up i hear it, and usually it says "You need to stop this". Its never a scream, as i dont feel it has emotions involved with it, it simply states my most inner true feelings.

[MoveableFeast]

thanks for the comments

I was smoke free for a couple of months and then found that my husband had some pot stashed in the garage (he smokes much less than I do). I ended up blazing it for a couple of weeks and now we're out and I'm back on the wagon. It seems like every time I go back to smoking I do it for less time and the times I am sober last longer and longer. I know I am making progress.

I think one of the hardest things for me to get over is the instantaneous feeling that it gives me like life's problems are slipping away to be dealt with tomorrow. It's not that I don't still worry about things when I'm high, but it is more like I really give myself the night off from my problems and then feel like I'll be able to take them up again the next day, which I usually do. I am sure if I got good at meditation or yoga I might feel the same way but it will take some time.

I guess the reason I posted this thread to begin with is that I keep reading people's posts and their reactions to both smoking the drug and quitting smoking seem so much more severe than mine. I mean, when I quit I don't have trouble sleeping, eating. And when I smoke I don't find myself screwing up my life in a dramatic way. The way pot affects me is more subtle... almost like someone whispering in my ear. I suppose what I'm getting at is, how do people stay clean when they haven't faced rock bottom? I want this out of my life before it becomes to big of an issue. How do I find a way to take my marijuana abuse seriously enough?

[In Treatment]

Hey Movablefast, you made alot of good points!

1. I feel the same way when i smoke, you feel like you can just deal with your problems tommorow, which usually you can. And if there is a serious issue that you need to deal with asap than you usually do. what i found as i did this more and more, is that deep down i know that i am covering up a overpowering sense of worry with drugs, which neither should be needed. First get rid of the drugs. Than get rid of the worry. Now we all have worries in our lives, but learning to generally stay relaxed and not to get into situations where you have to worry unessessarily. Im not saying to not take risks in life, because thats LIFE afterall, but something like exercise or sports help eleviate worry, so do that instead of smoking.

2. I haven't seen the same withdrawl as many on here as well. Sometimes i simply feel an urge to get high, but no lack of sleep, and rarely i have troubles eating (im 250lb's so eating a little less isn't really that bad anyway). I havn't really hit rock bottom, but again i fell off the wagon less than a week ago, but just like you i smoke less and less each month, its a habbit that closely resembles somone who goes out for a few drinks once or twice a month. Im working at a camp in a month so i definetly wont be smoking then. Not gonna lie, ill probaby smoke with some friends once or twice before that, but for me its been a long process of winding myself off it.

Keep posting!