Tweet
 |
Hi guys,
As some of you know, i've been actively trying to detox the drug since one year. In my last attempt, I have been clean for three months, 1 week ago i smoked once but i don't want to use the word "relapsed" because i'm really trying to put my best effort not to go through a complete relapse but, thinking it as a "set back" which i'm trying to make it up. I want to share my feelings and the experience that i'm having with you.
At the last weeks of my soberity, I was observing a drastic change in my social skills. I had finally started to enjoy being with people and more importantly it was all coming naturally. Before that, for two months, i experienced a strong socio-phopia and had difficult times to have normal conversations with people. Nothing was natural, i was always thinking like "how should i respond now, what should i say, ie..". But as i say, after two months, i think i was being adjusted to live a normal life with a normal feeling. Then the nightmares started again after a drunk night. I drinked a lot of vodka and the next day i was feeling like a shit. Then, it took almost one week for me to recover from this bad mood. Then, one night, we drinked a few beers with friends but all night our conversation was about drugs and how they effect your state of mind: and then CLICK! The next day my addiction was activated again, i felt like i was in the first week of being sober. Marijuana was almost totally out of my mind before that incident, but after that, i again felt like "i can never be content by a normal life without weed", i had very strong cravings, i coped with them for 1 week but then i found myself smoking a joint in the coffeshop. BUT;
At the moment that i got high, i realized "how bad days i had been through when all my life was about being stoned. and all this was very close if i have a relapse". I called my wife and told her that i smoked, she met me immediately and then we came home. Since i knew how bad my addiction is, i didn't want to take any risks and rest of the week i stayed at home while my wife went to work and locked me inside. Because i knew that the first days i will have very strong cravings and given that there will always be a coffeshop at most 15 min. ahead of me, i would relapse. Anyway,
Now the first week is gone and i feel like i'm back on the track of soberity. After three months of being clean, i clearly realized that "being stoned all the time" means "freezing the time at that moment". That's why i feel like i didnot live all these stoned years. My mind was stuck in a state where i didnot connect myself to anything in life. It's like a cage where i put my mind in. And now i see that i could have the same stoned life if i was totally paralyzed and stuck in a bed whole my life. Then, the question is; "what's the point of living if i don't connect to the life outside of my head?" What i'm trying to say is, i am very very sad about the years that i've wasted with just being stoned and i never want to go back to those days again.
By the way, it's also very clear that i should also give up the alcohol. It reminds me the being high from the drug and it triggers my addiction. Also, i really feel very bad the next days after drinking. In the summar, we planned a three weeks of long holiday and now my aim is to stay clean until the holiday, then refresh myself with a nice holiday with the loved ones around. I hope the hardest part of the battle will be over if i can manage to do this.
Any comment is appreciated very much
With all the best,
As some of you know, i've been actively trying to detox the drug since one year. In my last attempt, I have been clean for three months, 1 week ago i smoked once but i don't want to use the word "relapsed" because i'm really trying to put my best effort not to go through a complete relapse but, thinking it as a "set back" which i'm trying to make it up. I want to share my feelings and the experience that i'm having with you.
At the last weeks of my soberity, I was observing a drastic change in my social skills. I had finally started to enjoy being with people and more importantly it was all coming naturally. Before that, for two months, i experienced a strong socio-phopia and had difficult times to have normal conversations with people. Nothing was natural, i was always thinking like "how should i respond now, what should i say, ie..". But as i say, after two months, i think i was being adjusted to live a normal life with a normal feeling. Then the nightmares started again after a drunk night. I drinked a lot of vodka and the next day i was feeling like a shit. Then, it took almost one week for me to recover from this bad mood. Then, one night, we drinked a few beers with friends but all night our conversation was about drugs and how they effect your state of mind: and then CLICK! The next day my addiction was activated again, i felt like i was in the first week of being sober. Marijuana was almost totally out of my mind before that incident, but after that, i again felt like "i can never be content by a normal life without weed", i had very strong cravings, i coped with them for 1 week but then i found myself smoking a joint in the coffeshop. BUT;
At the moment that i got high, i realized "how bad days i had been through when all my life was about being stoned. and all this was very close if i have a relapse". I called my wife and told her that i smoked, she met me immediately and then we came home. Since i knew how bad my addiction is, i didn't want to take any risks and rest of the week i stayed at home while my wife went to work and locked me inside. Because i knew that the first days i will have very strong cravings and given that there will always be a coffeshop at most 15 min. ahead of me, i would relapse. Anyway,
Now the first week is gone and i feel like i'm back on the track of soberity. After three months of being clean, i clearly realized that "being stoned all the time" means "freezing the time at that moment". That's why i feel like i didnot live all these stoned years. My mind was stuck in a state where i didnot connect myself to anything in life. It's like a cage where i put my mind in. And now i see that i could have the same stoned life if i was totally paralyzed and stuck in a bed whole my life. Then, the question is; "what's the point of living if i don't connect to the life outside of my head?" What i'm trying to say is, i am very very sad about the years that i've wasted with just being stoned and i never want to go back to those days again.
By the way, it's also very clear that i should also give up the alcohol. It reminds me the being high from the drug and it triggers my addiction. Also, i really feel very bad the next days after drinking. In the summar, we planned a three weeks of long holiday and now my aim is to stay clean until the holiday, then refresh myself with a nice holiday with the loved ones around. I hope the hardest part of the battle will be over if i can manage to do this.
Any comment is appreciated very much
With all the best,
Comment