worried about friends marijuana addiction

[betsy]

Hi everyone, I was hoping someone might be able to help me understand my ex boyfriend and what he's going through. I haven't ever smoked a great deal just the usual teenage thing with my friends years ago so I am very naive about it's long term effects on someone really.
We went out for around 6 months which were very up and down and that seems to coincide with how much he was smoking.
When we met he was unemployed and had been for a few months and was smoking the drug quite a lot and insisted he didn't want a relationship with anyone as he really just wanted to do nothing at all and sit around all day. He actually said that, it's not me judging him! I know i should have said ok fair enough lets leave it there...but I didn't as I really liked him and still do unfortunately.
Anyway when he started to seriously look for a job and was getting interviews he was suddenly really positive and much happier and we were really happy together too. he got a job and stopped smoking (so much at least) and everything was great.
However, he didn't like like the job and started to become unhappy and once again decided he didn't want anyone in his life so we finished really abruptly one night. I was gutted. He even said I was everything he could want in a girlfriend if he wanted a girlfiend (yes i know that's probably a classic line) he just can't be bothered.
This was about 4 months ago now. He only kept his job for 8 weeks then decided to just not turn up one day and that was that. He's still not working now.
I see him every so often and we still get on really well and I miss him so much.
All he does is sit at home on his own getting stoned, all the time. He rarely goes out and when he does it's to see his friends who are also unemployed and get stoned in their flat all the time. He knows he has to stop but it's always 'I will soon' and never actually happens.
I'm pretty sure I can't do anything as we're not even together now but I was wondering whether this is typical of someone who has smoked for years (around 10 years for him I think) and can't get out of it.
I'm so worried that he's wasting his life as he's a very intelligent man and is lovely to be around but he never wants anyone around.
Obviously there is the dreamer in me that would love for him to sort himself out and realise what he threw away but I'm not quite that naive! almost but not quite...I just want him to be ok really.
Any advice or absolutley anything would be greatly appreciated.
And sorry if i sound really dumb on this subject, it's because I am.
Thanks x

[man with no name]

You sound like a really nice girl and rather than worrying about him wasting HIS life, you should be asking yourself if you should be wasting yours on somebody who doesn't care? You have alot to offer by the sounds of it. You're not dumb at all Betsy. You just care too much. Nothing wrong with that. Pot heads are everywhere. You on the other hand seem to have some special things going for you. Pot smokers are generally are too wrapped in themselves up to realize their losses and the error of their ways until their lives and mental health become so unbearable that they are forced to have to take stock of their lives and pick up the pieces. . It's not so much the pot smoking you should be wary of, but the fact that he places it ahead of you is what should be concerning. If he said, look, Betsy, I really love you and don't want to lose you, but I have this problem that I can't get a grip on, and it's killing me that it's coming between us and hurting both you and me. I really want to change, but just haven't found out how yet. I'm going to get some help because you're what is important and I hope that getting the help I need makes me better realize this.....then by all means try to help him. There might still be a chance for you. But if he's like, I don't need anybody but my the drug and is closed minded then the prospects of him changing are unpromising. Don't get serious with him. You can still care about him and be his friend or whatever and talk to him, but you shouldn't hang your life up for him. Find healthier intimate relationships, not one way street relationships. Unless he's willing to change for himself, you'll never be able to. God Bless.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi Betsy and welcome to the forum.

What you have experienced with this guy is fairly common, I have read a lot of posts from people who have experienced this kind of thing and it’s usually a fairly similar story. Like you have experienced there usually is a pattern between their drug use and their behaviour, it often significantly affects how they behave in every way from their mood to whether they work and so many aspects of their lifestyle in general. Like a lot of people in his situation he is putting his drug use ahead of every other aspect of his life, including his career, his relationships and yes even his relationship with you, he is choosing it over everything including your relationship and that’s a pretty tough thing to deal with but unfortunately it is the nature of the situation and the bottom line of all this is that it’s down to his choices and that’s something that you probably can’t do that much about, while he wants to live that kind of life there is probably very little you can do to change it. I appreciate how upsetting it must be to have to watch from the side lines and if you were still in a relationship with him then maybe you would have more influence over the situation but even then he would still have to want to change and if he didn’t then you most probably would just be wasting your time too, I say wasting your time as I am speaking from the perspective of how you see it and most the people here, myself including who have decided they want more in life than that, however that’s just our perspective, he has his own perspective and if that’s all he wants from life then that’s what he will do, if you wasn’t able to change his mind as his girlfriend then I doubt you will as his ex, you could try but at the risk of sounding defeatist I doubt you would have much of a chance, if you really want to give it one last go then the only chance I think you would have would be to get people who still have a close relationship with him like very close friends (not other users) or family members on the case, maybe even try to organise some kind of intervention, but even then it would still probably be a slim chance if there isn’t at least part of him that wants to change. As heart breaking as it can be there are some things in life that we just have to accept as they are, if you were still in a relationship with him it probably just would have dragged you down too, although I would never criticise somebody for trying, the fact that you care should never be viewed as a bad thing.

Anyway take care, thanks for posting and please let us know if anything happens.

All the best

[betsy]

Hi again, thankyou both so much for your replies I really appreciate them.
I know I can't put my life on hold for him, much as i would be prepared to do that if I really believed the situation could change in the near future. Anyway I'm going travelling in a few weeks and will be away for at least 7 months so I suppose that's me giving up, although I know I'll still think of him and miss him and wonder if he's ok. This was definitely the deciding factor for me going. I'm going on my own and am looking forward to getting completely away and stop this being the main focus in my life, which much as I'm embarrassed to admit it, it has been for some time now.
I know he wants to stop but what it'll take for that to actually happen is anybody's guess. I asked him if it makes him happy and whether it's even fun anymore and he said it wasn't, and he doesn't like himself anymore. So I suppose that's what I'm struggling to understand aswell, why spend all that money and cut yourself off from everyone for something that seems so destructive? I know that's my lack of experience talking.
I bought a book a while back to try and understand (called 'No need for weed') and i read most of it the other night. It may as well have been written about him, although of course I can't see inside his mind. I'm in 2 minds whether to give it to him. I don't want to seem pushy or nag him as I'm in absolutley no position to do that and never used to when we were together. I might give it to him right before I go away and hope he picks it up one day out of curiosity unless you think this would be completely poinless?
I'm so frustrated because I know another side to him which I think must be the real him and at the end of the day I still love him very much : (
Thanks so much again both of you, and I will let you know if anything changes.
xx

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Hi again

No problem we are happy to help. Yes I think giving him the no need for the drug book may be a good idea, you never know he may read it, don’t get me wrong I am not saying do not try, I suppose all I am saying is don’t expect too much until he wants to change, which it sounds like there may be part of him that does, if and when enough of him wants it badly enough it will happen.

Have a great time on your travels.

All the best.

[man with no name]

Hi Betsy.

"Why spend all that money and cut yourself off from everyone for something that seems so destructive?"

I know too well a few of the reasons. Addiction blinds them to the reality of the situation. It makes you believe that you need it to compensate for some other problem or personal inadequacy. They come to form a false identity surrounding it's consumption. You know what I mean. The partier identity. They begin with a desire to be different but are they really being different or just following? Pot makes you falsely believe that your circumstances in your life causing depression and anxiety and not the drugs. Denial is long stubborn road to travel. You can still be supportive but wouldn't be wise to invest emotionally. Good luck, God Bless, and Bon Voyage!

[man with no name]

I've just Googled No Need for Weed. Here is a link to the book and the author discusses his story. Sounds interesting.

http://www.clearhead.org.uk/noneedforweed/author.htm