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Epiphany
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Hi. I've been a smoker for most of my 36 years, for a long time I subscribed to the idea that it wasn't harmful, and it was my prerogative to do it. About a year ago, this started to change, I was having to deal with the fact that my smoking had caused me to fail at a course I was doing, and I moved away, meaning I was away from my regular dealers and stuff. So, I cut down unwillingly, but suprised myself because it seemed to be kind of easy. I was going without a smoke for longer than I had in 20 years. Before long, I was no longer a chronic smoker, maybe just a heavy one. Even making that changed resulted in my life improving considerably, and my feeling hugely better....
But, I've still been smoking and in recent months it escalated again and I found myself going through obscene amounts of pot again. Today, however, things are different again. In the last week, it's like someones flicked a switch and without even meaning to, I've stopped smoking. It's only been three days, but I've got none and for the first time in a long time, I don't care. I'm not worrying about getting more, or stressing that I've got none. I feel very emotional but it's good....I'm emotional cos I'm so pleased this has happened, and because for the first time in ages, I actually have the clarity of mind to see, and regret what I've done to my life with smoking....
I know what triggered it. My advice for those who are looking to detox is to spend some time with a friend who has no intention of quitting, we've all got them....I have one who is younger than me, and thinks it's ok for her to smoke eighteen hours a day, and stubbornly refuses to even consider anything that looks like quitting. I spent a couple of days with her last week and for some reason, the sheer patheticness of it all really struck me. I recognised that her laziness, her excuses, her fragile mental state and the complete disorganisation that define her life could be attributed to one thing, and one thing only. I also realised that it wouldn't be long before my life looked just the same, if it didn't already....Something snapped, I will forever have her weakness to thank for my new found strength.
At this stage, I'd say I'll probably smoke again. But, I don't know when I'll next see any, and by that time, I probably won't want to smoke it. I don't want to spend my days in foggy haze anymore, I don't want to be broke anymore, I don't want to live in a disorganised house anymore, and I don't want the constant stress of not getting anything done anymore.
I'm writing this basically cos I need to purge, and because I figure I should run with this and try and connect with others that know what it's like. Marijuana ruined my youth, it's that simple. It's retrievable from here, but as we all know I can never get the past back. When I think of what I've let it do, it makes me cry.
I have everything to gain from quitting, and nothing to lose. I'm now faced with assessing where I am in life, and probably changing the lot of it because my life so far, has been dedicated to the pursuit of pot above all else....I stopped making real decisions and just took the easiest option at some point in my smoke haze, now I have to make real decisions about where I'm going and where I want to be. This morning, I have tackled, and made real decisions regarding one aspect of my life that smoking has influenced. It was easy without a brain full of pot.
I'm probably going to become a real pain, because with every minute that passes, I hate the stuff more and more. Quitting is not easy, but so far the rewards are far outweighing the problems.
But, I've still been smoking and in recent months it escalated again and I found myself going through obscene amounts of pot again. Today, however, things are different again. In the last week, it's like someones flicked a switch and without even meaning to, I've stopped smoking. It's only been three days, but I've got none and for the first time in a long time, I don't care. I'm not worrying about getting more, or stressing that I've got none. I feel very emotional but it's good....I'm emotional cos I'm so pleased this has happened, and because for the first time in ages, I actually have the clarity of mind to see, and regret what I've done to my life with smoking....
I know what triggered it. My advice for those who are looking to detox is to spend some time with a friend who has no intention of quitting, we've all got them....I have one who is younger than me, and thinks it's ok for her to smoke eighteen hours a day, and stubbornly refuses to even consider anything that looks like quitting. I spent a couple of days with her last week and for some reason, the sheer patheticness of it all really struck me. I recognised that her laziness, her excuses, her fragile mental state and the complete disorganisation that define her life could be attributed to one thing, and one thing only. I also realised that it wouldn't be long before my life looked just the same, if it didn't already....Something snapped, I will forever have her weakness to thank for my new found strength.
At this stage, I'd say I'll probably smoke again. But, I don't know when I'll next see any, and by that time, I probably won't want to smoke it. I don't want to spend my days in foggy haze anymore, I don't want to be broke anymore, I don't want to live in a disorganised house anymore, and I don't want the constant stress of not getting anything done anymore.
I'm writing this basically cos I need to purge, and because I figure I should run with this and try and connect with others that know what it's like. Marijuana ruined my youth, it's that simple. It's retrievable from here, but as we all know I can never get the past back. When I think of what I've let it do, it makes me cry.
I have everything to gain from quitting, and nothing to lose. I'm now faced with assessing where I am in life, and probably changing the lot of it because my life so far, has been dedicated to the pursuit of pot above all else....I stopped making real decisions and just took the easiest option at some point in my smoke haze, now I have to make real decisions about where I'm going and where I want to be. This morning, I have tackled, and made real decisions regarding one aspect of my life that smoking has influenced. It was easy without a brain full of pot.
I'm probably going to become a real pain, because with every minute that passes, I hate the stuff more and more. Quitting is not easy, but so far the rewards are far outweighing the problems.
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