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Ok guys, here is my story. I started smoking when I was 16. I was initially against it fully (as many of us prob were) but the first time I tried it, I was the first to insist we re-up. And that pretty much sums up how it went from there. My high school friends and I felt like Teflon, we had loot, knew many people, and had everyone fooled. The strangest and most addictive aspect for me was that it wouldn't affect my grades at all. I smoked pretty often, eventually smoking most days before and after school. My friends and I would all have a blast, we would go on mountain rides, and just enjoy each others company, taco bell lol, and stories/ideas (you know). I felt so cool to have a 'secret' and I enjoyed that bad feeling i guess. Upon graduating, most kids would have family dinner, or whatnot, but our group went to smoke, we were those kids. But not hating it in the slightest. At this time (18yo i assume) I was about to attend college. During high school, bud had distracted me from joining clubs and whatnot, and being really social all together i guess. For these reasons I told myself I would stop smoking in college, and really planned on grabbing the bull by the horns and focusing academically. The summer before I left for college was a daze! We smoked... I told my friends 'this was it' and next summer couldn't be like this again, but i was loving the moment for what it was, just knew i didn't want all my summers to be so ridiculous lol. I may be dragging this on but it must be complete haha. So my mind set at this time was basically; pumped I was going to college (didn't mess up that bad or anything), enjoying weight lifting, good relationship with my parents (they never knew explicitly, if they assumed i smoked i am not aware of but they prob didn't), and loving toking all night with my friends just being a goof-off, hanging in the woods and whatnot just being kids. First day of college there was a freshman dinner thing to make friends i assume, i was talking to a few people (remember i was gonna be an x-smoker), and a kid approached me. Quickly into our conversation, it was brought up. What the heck i thought, i looked around and everyone looked like 'losers' anyway, so i went and we smoked in his car on a ride. I really focused in class however, and i was doing really well ( straight A's). I continued to smoke on a regular basis, telling myself if my grades slip im out. But they wouldn't slip... My first year of college I had literally all A's, and was smoking just as hard as ever. The summer following freshman year was no different. Being back home I had a job where I would smoke, and my same friends and i all would get together and now 'brag' who was the biggest veteran (yeah dumb i get it). Who knew the most tricks, had the best roll, craziest story, knew the biggest dealer and what not. I wasn't fretting, my parents didn't know (to my knowledge) my grades were up all was well. Sophomore Year: a kid from NY came to my school. We would joke lol, but he really was the same color as a dutch (honest!). He sold bud to 90% of the smokers at our school. And you know what, we became best friends. We really did click, inside and out of the culture. Still wanting to do well in school, i was living by the 'if my grades drop im out' belief. I was smoking hard at this time, everyday i would say. But you know what, all A's still!? Literally had a 4.0 after sophomore year. So needless to say, between finding a blunt colored friend, and having the praise of success from professors and family, I didn't stop burning. In fact, I loved the fact that I was living a double life type thing. Prof's saw me as a nerd (which was cool), and my parents were proud, but i got off (sorry) on the fact that I had this secret, that I was able to handle alllll this bud and still function fine. Summer before junior year... same (ill spare you). But my mindset was still the same as well, loving the double life thing and whatever. Junior year, toked. Not all A's but I had a 3.9, dont get me wrong i wouldn't smoke a few days before a test, or when i was swamped, but after an exam and during free time it was my pajamas! However, i wasn't involved in clubs or anything like that, but i didn't really care either. I would lift, hang w/ friends, and i never cared too much about extracurricular the way it was. We are at the end of my junior year now (and yes almost done, thank you if ur still w/ me), I have one exam left. ... I am the only kid who has an A in this class (over 500 kids) so im pretty pumped but scared for my test. I get a call from my dad before walking into the test.......he tells me my best friend (introduced me to it, drove me everywhere, friends for YEARS) was killed the night before in a car wreck. I was crushed. After my exam I caught a ride home with my boy and walked into the funeral (not low, but he wouldn't of cared). The next day we knew we had to clear his house of his stuff. Sure i wasn't sure what was up as is i was miles away for the months before, but if you knew this kid it was a given he had something lol. And he did. I cleared his house for him under his parents noses. Still 'played the same games' all summer, mourned alot, but still a smoker even though he was out of the game. Perhaps it stopped it from sinking in, i dont really know. Senior year of college, same game. One night however I had a knock on the door from police, asking to search due to smell. They missed what may have been there hack hack. I cheated it, knock on wood. I was pumped. I immediately downsized my game, but was still a reg. head. Grades, still up! (perhaps its more of a curse in hindsight) ( perhaps not though lol). Balancing class, a job in my field, I was feeling good, and getting a nerd stigma from many! Kids in my class thought i was the biiggest nerd due to my involvement in class, and would have a bowel movement if they knew my habit, but thats what I fed off. I loved knowing 'whatever they think, they're off' and ran with that mentality. Graduated college and I had to take a test for a professional school (Med etc. im not gonna say) But i scored awesome! Proud of my score, and guess what i did after that test... yeah and hard. A good month and a half is a daze to me, get me!? So im up to present date (finally i know, i applaud you who have stayed). I have found a job that doesn't really require my actual presence, and sadly i have been blowing it off to have full on day sessions while everyone else works like honest citizens all day. And you know what, im starting to feel guilty. I dont want to have such apathy each day. My gift is my curse, i can balance a career and bud, but you know what, i've done that life for a while, just tired of being sneaky, tired of lying, tired of risking my future. I think instead of smoking and doing good in school and stuff, i should run with a gift of knowledge (not to be conceited, just spilling my guts guys) and see where it takes me. I feel i am just tired of being happy doing 'well', and using all the extra time to waste. And i mean waste. I am lazzzzy when i have free time. (not so much physically, but i would avoid extra work like the plague). I cant tell you how many days i would ditch work and just chill all day. I dont regret my past, I loved the memories and the tale, and yes, im still not over the fact i really had a double life. It was awesome! But its not where I want my tale to end. I wannt to quit, and just start a new chapter guys, a chapter thats better than the first. Hopefully i get accepted into my professional school and can just be clear headed, and see how far i can go. So a few days ago (not many) i 'quit'. I quit a thousand times in the past, to the point my friends wouldn't even acknowledge the statement, nor should they have. But this time is different. I just feel it. My mind isn't on bud really, ok sure alittle bit (why else would i write this novel), but its not on it in the same way. I used to know i would toke again, but its different now. I have lived the rasta life, and I lived it hard and long. To the point I am having the realization, that I know what its all about, i've done it all, i know what goes on, i lived the day to day, i 'played frisbee' all day while others worked, i wore tye-dye, you get me? I feel this time is different because i have the realization that i've beat this damn horse dry already, and whats next? I guess my fear is losing the double life i have come to admire, but you know what, as i type that it doesn't stir up any emotion, maybe i wont miss it. I am just excited to sober up, im now in my twenties and this started when i was 16, so i'd say im excited for a new high which others refer to as sober. I never suffered from depression or anything like that, i just want to try a new start, i get bud now, i see it can steal your time, friends, motivation, curiosity to try new things. I want a new high off not being high. does this make sense lol? i want to join the rest of society now, im ready lol. perhaps the double life can still be lived in my eyes if i end up being a professional who had a bud background, its still kinda cool. my friends dont even know about this, its a different quit. Im not looking for attention from them, i dont care about that BS anymore. I want it for me. I want to see how i think day to day without weed. I hope i painted a picture of who i am and how i think, and i want some feedback! Help me ensure this victory guys.
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