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Hi folks,

Just a quick note in regards to the moderation of the group. Sometimes if I am a bit short on time or if we get a lot of posts at once I may have to just skim the overall gist of the posts rather than reading them word for word before I approve them, also we all have a different perspective as to what is acceptable and thus there may sometimes be the odd post that gets through that you may feel is inappropriate. And while this doesn’t seem to happen very often if there is anything that anybody reads and feels is inappropriate then please feel free to either shoot me a PM or use the contact form to let me know and I will always be happy to take another look at it.

Please keep in mind however that a post does have to be quite bad or harmful to the group as a whole for us to delete it, I don’t like to be too heavy handed with that kind of moderation and try to reserve it for only when it is absolutely necessarily as generally I like people to be able to have their say and most things can be ironed out with dialogue and often we can all learn from it, that said if you feel something is inappropriate like I say please feel free to let me know and I will be happy to take another look.


All the best,

Cannabis Rehab Admin

If you wish to Use then Use, Your Body Your Choice, You're NOT a Criminal and I wish you well!

My Choice is to be Drug Rehabilitated for 15 years because I Chose to be free from its Control on me!
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speculations..

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  • speculations..

    marijuana withdrawal symptoms relief
    Hi Guys,

    I open this thread to do some speculations about my life, and espceially my marriage. It's really very ironic that we start to have frequently big crisis' with my wife, as I recover. When we first met, I was an addict, during all those years of our relationship I was an addict, and now I'm realizing that all the things happened during these years, even our marriage, was the actions of that stoned guy; not mine. What I am trying to say is, my wife actually doesn't know me, she knows the guy who was careless about anything in the world, but pot, and that's why pot has been all the problem in our lives, I had never judged her actions as I would be doing if I wasn't an addict. And now I'm recovering, and seeing that if I wasn't an addict, I wouldn't allow her to do many of her actions in daily life, because my values of judgement are very different than hers. Yesterday she came home drunk, and she lied to me that she was doing something else, we had a great fight, quite physical one actually, and I just wouldn't imagine myself as a husband whose wife would come home drunk and than would have such an irrespective fight.

    My main motivation to detox was to built a life with my wife, but when things like this happen, I just start to think about smoking again. I know very well that smoking is a poison for my brain which would explode it, but it becomes really hard to get rid of this feeling of smoking, because as I said, I feel that my main motivation could just slip out of my hands if she also doesn't really make some profound changes in her life. She is well aware of this actually, and trying to do her best, but it's just not fast enough, actually like in my journey to detox pot, she is an alcohol abuser actually and all bad things happen because of it. We can really be a very lovely couple time to time but she is someone who has deeper problems with life than mine actually, that's why she will also start to see a psychologist, but I am just not being able to as patient as her. What I mean is, especially the last two years of our lives, I was totally nonfunctional because of my addiction, but she gave a great fight with me during these times, and here I am now as a recovering person. I feel like I should also be as patient as her, but the problem is time to time I even can't find the answer of the question: 'whould I get marry with her if I was my trueself?'. I love her, there are lots of things that I admire about her, but the thing is essentially we were grown up in completely different cultures, our judgement values are very different, our expectations as a husband/wife are different.. And beyond all these, she really has some very essential character problems which she is aware of, that's why she will see a psychologist, and we both hope that this might help to our problems..

    I am just overloaded with these toughts, and I have no one to speak about these, and actually these are some topics that I wouldn't like to share even with my friends, and that's why I wanted to write my feelings for a discharge may be..

    All the best,
    Last edited by abiogenesis; 02-04-2011, 05:34 PM.

  • #2
    So, I would say this is also one of the worst things about being addict, all these years you take many actions in life, but it's not actually the real 'you' who is the object of these actions..

    Comment


    • #3
      Hey abiogenesis

      I am sorry to hear about the problems between you and your wife, it does indeed sound like you are experiencing some issues that are causing you some problems. When you quit using a particular drug whatever the drug you do indeed become a very different person and this new person may well experience certain problems that the old you may not have, it can significantly changes your values and your perspective. If as you say your wife has a problem with alcohol then this is likely to cause problems, a relationship where neither party are addicts can work, a relationships where both parties are addicts may even work too, a relationship where one party is an addict and the other isn’t or at least isn’t using at the time is probably far more likely to experience problems it’s just the nature of the situation, unfortunately the two just aren’t as compatible, the one person is trying to be everything the other isn’t which is something that makes it much harder for either to be what it is that they want to be. It is going to be much harder especially for the person who is trying not use drugs to not do so if the person they are in a relationship with is still continuing to use drugs even if it is a different drug, sure the substance may be different but many of the issues that are causing a problem will probably remain the same. I am not surprised you are tempted to go back to using, it’s the kind of situation that is likely to make you want to do that.

      Whenever a person goes through cannabis rehab one of the biggest things they apparently have to try to make them understand is that they are going to change the people they are mixing with that are a part of using drugs, it’s very hard for non drug users to mix with drug users and not feel a lot more inclined to want to use drugs themselves, which is what you are experiencing. But this is probably a whole lot easier when you are talking about changing a group a friends compared to the person you are in a relationship with, I am not quite sure what they advise when they are dealing with someone who is in a marriage that involves the kind of situation, maybe they do advise that they leave them I don’t know, but that does seem like a pretty extreme piece of advice, I am not sure I could ever advise someone to do that, when it comes to things like this unless there are other extreme factors involved like violence, ect, I almost always say that I can’t tell the person what to do in regards to their relationship as it’s something only they can decide for themselves. Although if as you say it is getting psychical then this is definitely a sign that something needs to be done and that the issue needs to be seriously addressed at the very least, so I think that it is a good idea that professional help is sought, perhaps your wife seeing a psychologist will help, although I can’t help but feel that the issue of the two very different paths you are on will also need to be addressed.

      Anyway I hope that has been some help, I must admit I do find things like this particularly hard to advise on but that’s just my take on the situation for what it is worth.

      Take care buddy, I really hope you can work through these problems and find a solution that works for you both.

      All the best and please keep us posted on how it goes.
      Cannabis Rehab Admin

      If you wish to Use then Use, Your Body Your Choice, You're NOT a Criminal and I wish you well!

      My Choice is to be Drug Rehabilitated for 15 years because I Chose to be free from its Control on me!

      Comment


      • #4
        Hi BFB,

        Thank you very much for your support. The thing is I love my wife very much and she also loves me even more. I see that she is really afraid of loosing me and promises to take our issues much more seriously. She went back to her familiy for a few days, this should give both of us a time to think about things in a more clear perspective. I am also telling her that my issue about cannabis is the most important thing in the world, eventually we should do anything to prevent a relapse for me, even if it means a separation for us. But I know very well that she wants to live a happy life with me and she promises me to stay away from alcohol. If she can do this, actually I'm here for a full support for her psychological problems because she worths it. And I can very clearly say that I owe this her.

        I mean my perspective is a little more optimistic now. We will see how it goes.

        All the best,

        Comment


        • #5
          That’s good to hear, I was thinking the last thing I want is my advice to be pessimistic, which I am afraid is probably the nature of a great deal a what I have said, that said the benefit of fathoming out as much as you can about the nature of the problem, which I am sure from what you said you knew already but it can sometimes help to get someone else’s opinion which is probably what makes us post in the first place, that and to get it off our chest as well as get some support, anyway I really must stop digressing so much, lol, I swear it’s a problem with the way in which I am not neuro typical maybe some sort of ocd or asd trait, I have to cover every single point in way too much depth, lol, I am even doing it now. Anyway like I say the benefit of fathoming out as much as you possibly can about the nature of the problem is that you are so much better armed when it comes to how to deal with it, it’s like for example the excellent posts that you have done about the neurological nature of addiction, learning as much as you can about it helps so much to prepare the strategy of how to deal with it, which is something else that I know you are a bigger believer in. So although there are issues there the good thing is that you know exactly what it is that is going on and you know exactly what needs to be done to deal with it.

          Personally I think the cut everyone out of your life that is contributing to the problem drug counsellor type advice is probably way to harsh when it comes to the person you are married to, like I say I don’t think I could ever bring myself to say that, at the end of the day the person you love so much has to be worth fighting as hard as you possibly can for, sure maybe there comes a time when you have to accept defeat but from the little I know of your situation I don’t think you are anywhere near that yet, you are still in relatively early days of your own recovery, bear in mind the person your are in the early days even though it is already extremely different to the person you was when you were using, is still going to be different to the person you are going to be say five years after recovery, the early days of recovery are extremely trying, you are having to go through so much yourself that you are probably nowhere near as well equipped to deal with these kind of things as you will be once you yourself has settled down a bit. And your wife still has very far to go in regards to hers, you will hopefully see some massive changes in her as time goes by. But the main thing is that she wants to do it and you want to do it and where there is a will there is usually a way. As the great philosophiser Rocky Balboa once said and excuse my sense of humour on this one, “if you can change and I can change, we all can change”, do do do do do da do da do da da, but my crap references to cheesy movie characters aside, it is indeed true, if you love each other like you say you do, then I am sure you can do it, it’s at least got to be worth one dam good try.

          So on the positive side, you both know what needs to be done and you both want to do it, so I think you have every chance of achieving it and it goes without saying we will be with you every step of the way!

          Speak soon
          Cannabis Rehab Admin

          If you wish to Use then Use, Your Body Your Choice, You're NOT a Criminal and I wish you well!

          My Choice is to be Drug Rehabilitated for 15 years because I Chose to be free from its Control on me!

          Comment


          • #6
            Hi abiogenesis,

            I read your fist post in this thread, and it really freaked me out - sounded like the story of my life. My advice, for what it's worth, is to discuss the whole situation - everythig you have posted here, and more, with her. Personally, I think honesty is an absolute cornerstone of marriage, and if she is lying to you about her drinking, then that doesn't bode well. One of the reasons I used more and more heavily during my awful marriage was that my wife would constantly lie to me about her alcohol use. I made the point that I had no problem with her drinking, that I would get drunk myself often enough, but when she lied about it, when I found empty bottles hidden away in unexpected places, it broke my heart.

            At least she is seeing a psychologist, but pessimistically, I need to warn you of my experience. My wife, as a result of her disturbing drinking behaviour (which of course, she blamed on me), and other behaviour, did agree to see a psychologist. But, after seeing no change at all after some time, I eventually found out that she would lie about keeping her appointments, changed her psychologist (and then dropped out) when it was suggested that she (rather than all me) might be part of the problem, etc. I would recommend that you two see someone together, both get your greivances off your chest, and see what the underlying problem is and what can be done about it.

            But (and I need to give the disclaimer that I am in the middle of a horrible divorce, so my views may be biased), you may also need to accept that the marriage isn't going to work, and that prolonging it will just hurt both of you. I stayed in an abusive marriage for way too long, and wouldn't recommned it. I would also recommend getting out (if that's what you're going to do) before you have any children, as that makes it a billion times more painful.

            Sure, she was there for you when you needed her, and of course you should try to do the same for her. But I imagine that as you were trying to beat your addiction you admitted you had a problem, and wanted to fix it. If she won't do that, then I don't think you necessarily "owe" her anything.

            As I said, I am being very pessimistic, and your situation just brings back horrible memories for me. To end on a slightly more upbeat note, I think that honesty and communication can solve a lot of things, and the two of you should try it, in front of a concellor (to keep it from getting out of hand) and see what you can do.

            Comment


            • #7
              marijuana withdrawal symptoms relief
              Hi NotMyRealName,

              Thanks for your advices and yes, you are being very pessimistic I understand very well that projection of my marriage could also come to the point that you describe if we don't do anything. However I believe that we are putting a real effort to save it. We want to save it because we still love eachother very much. And I strongly believe we are still facing the trauma caused by my addiction and we can get over with these. I opened this thread in a very pessimistic mood of mine after a huge fight, and when I judge things now, I believe there is nothing we can't solve, given that my wife will not abuse alcohol, and she is giving a real effort on this. She started to see her counseler, I am also invited to the next meeting, and I am quite hopeful for our relationship. Actually the things that are disturbing me at the moment are still related to consequences of my addiction. Anyway, I survived the ocean, and will not be drown in the river!

              By the way, how are you doing?

              All the best,

              Comment

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