Failure to Quit Marijuana = Self-hate

[Sighman]

I started smoking pot late in life; at the age of forty. Like most people it started as a fun recreational thing but soon became a daily habit. I have never smoked during the day but I smoke every evening and have been doing so now for almost eleven years. I suffer from depression and take anti-depressants but they no longer seem to have any effect and I am certain that it is the pot that is affecting me.

I was always an ambitious, ebullient, social kind of person but prone to OCD and melancholia. Smoking pot eased the OCD but now I am completely demotivated, indolent, solitary and very depressed. I do as little work as possible and only force myself when money becomes tight. I love nothing more than to see an empty week ahead of me and yet I feel bored to tears most of the time. I stay in bed as late as possible but it is guilt that gets me up before noon. I go back to bed before 11.00 pm when I've had three or four hits from the bong. I then lie in bed and allow my mind to wander, kidding myself that I am opening up my psyche to the Greater Universe. My thoughts nearly always turn 'dark' and I start to dwell on death: the death of friends and family and my own death. What is the point of human existence if we just die in the end? Why do any of us bother to make any kind of effort in this life when it all comes to nothing more than dust-to-dust? I have no spiritual belief and so death, to me, is a fathomless hole. I am terrified of it.

I am the classic textbook example of a marijuana addict even though I don't want to face up to that fact. I kid myself that I smoke pot to help with my depression but the truth is I am increasingly depressed because I smoke pot. I lie to my psychiatrist, telling him that I am only an occasional user, because I know he will advise me to stop so that my medications can work. I lie to everyone except my one stoner friend and he doesn't really understand because he has been a user all his life but can stop whenever he needs to. He does not have an addictive personality. In the past I have been addicted to sex, prescription meds and even relationships but fortunately never to alcohol or other recreational drugs.

I went to England earlier this year, for a month, and I didn't smoke once while I was away. I told myself I had finally cracked it and could return home and be free of weed. Within a few days of returning home I was smoking every evening and recently I have even started lighting up in the afternoon to ease the tense feeling of boredom, listlessness and claustrophobia. I am now smoking to alleviate the symptoms caused by smoking!!

My career has crumbled. My finances are down to the wire. My relationship only continues because my partner is so lenient with me. I refuse all social invitations whenever possible and when I DO go out I can't wait to get back home so I can put on my PJ's and smoke a couple of bowls. Bed is my only refuge. I have lost all ambition and cannot remember the last time I was happy or even contented. My psychiatrist is currently increasing my dose of Prozac and has added Xanax (which I haven't taken because I was once addicted to an anti-anxiety drug) but these meds stand no chance of success if I am dulling them with marijuana every day. Psychotherapy has proved useless to me over the years.

So: unless we sell our house and move to another state I have to break the 'habit' of smoking every evening. Just being at home triggers all my desires to smoke. The problem is that I really don't want to give up what has become my ONLY pleasure. It scares me. What do I have left when the pot is gone?

I'm too old to be acting like a teenager and too short-sighted to stop f*****g up my life. When I venture into the Real World I act quite normally and I doubt that anyone would believe that, in secret, I am tormented by this addiction. But pretending to be someone I am not...that can be exhausting.

Can I ever quit? Will I ever be able to get out of bed in the morning with enthusiasm for the day ahead? Will I start to answer the telephone, accept invitations, plan vacations etc and will my sex drive come back? I have not had sex for over five years and the thought, quite frankly, revolts me. How did that happen?

On the outside I am not the cliched picture of a Pot Head, but when I'm alone watching endless DVD's or simply staring into space I am the kind of 'loser' I have always despised and I hate myself.

[robinl555]

Dear Sighman,
Addiction is too big for you to tackle alone... There are support groups you can attend. i go to NA, but there are others....
Do yourself a favor and get help...
Please keep posting...

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Just thought I would make a couple of quick comments, in terms of the psychiatric meds thing, my own personal take on it is that it is a mistake to be either too pro or too anti, I too have personally had a fair bit of experience in this area from the perspective of the patient and I know that some of the meds you can be prescribed really won’t suit you, there are some that have even been believed to have triggered suicides, but there are many that save many lives too, I personally have quite literally had my live saved by this category of medication and health care and I am certain this area of health care is a force for far more good than harm, I agree you have to maintain the same healthy degree of caution and scepticism that you would with anything and that you need to monitor carefully how you as an individual are reacting to the particular form of treatment concerned, some people may suit these sort of medicines and some people may not, but I think to write the whole lot off because it hasn’t been grown by people with beards is crazy quite frankly and that’s coming from someone who listens to the doors and really likes hippie like people with beards. Incidentally the Michael Jackson case which is a very different sort of situation considering he was being routinely prescribed stuff that is unheard of being used outside of an operating theatre, obviously there was some significant negligence but individual cases like this aren’t justification for writing off a whole field of medicine.

I know a lot of weed smokers can get quite conspiratorial in their thinking to the point where they almost end up thinking the whole of western pharmaceutical medicine could be replaced with a couple of the right strain doobies. Maybe there are certain things that marijuana is a better treatment for than certain types of western medicine, but there are many things for which it is much worse or plain just shouldn’t be taken in the first place and unfortunately this can be especially true for the area of mental health, I know there are people who do indeed report it helps them with certain things, like for example anxiety and depression and if that is what they are genuinely experiencing then fine who is to say that they aren’t, perhaps they should keep using it, but there are many for whom they make those sort of problems significantly worse, in some people marijuana can either trigger or contribute to some really serious mental health problems, we have had many users on this rehab group alone who are feeling suicidal and unfortunately some who have even gone through with it and in many of these cases their use of marijuana did seem to be contributing to their problem, in fact most of the mental health worker community from doctors, nurses to charity workers are now giving very serious warnings that marijuana can significantly aggregate mental health problems, especially in the long term.

The problem is that many marijuana users become a little unbalanced in their perspective, it’s a hazard of the occupation of being a user of the drug, they have spent so long taking a usually one sided perspective in order to justify their own use of the drug that they end up seeing it as something that will cure all the world’s problems. I am not saying this is the case for you earth but it sounds to me like you are still a little further on the pro side of the spectrum than is perhaps good for both yourself as someone who is trying to quit and the other users of the group, please forgive my talking so candidly but as you can imagine I have seen it a fair bit, now don’t get me wrong I am not saying you should become a hysterical nut job that believes marijuana is to blame for all the world’s problems either, but I would encourage you especially if you are advising others to try and maintain as balanced a perspective as possible, at the end of the day there are people who marijuana may suit and those it may not and likewise there are people psychiatric medicines may suit and those they may not, but I think it’s important to avoid the kind of polarized views that got many people into the kind of trouble they are in to begin with. As with any situation you can only monitor how the person is reacting to it as an individual.

All the best,

Ok now onto the next, hi Sighman and welcome to the group, can I just say and I am not trying to blag you in an attempt to create a rapport but I too have struggled with some of the issues you have, I have struggled with obsessive compulsive symptoms my whole life that are both consistent with OCD and the obsessive compulsive spectrum in general, I too used to self medicate with pot heavily and was prone to depression, I have spent years feeling suicidal, I have been in a psychiatric day hospital (on a voluntary basis), etc. So as you can imagine I know where you are coming from.

So you are a no good non believer, well me too I think, I used to sort of consider myself a Buddhist but after reading too much of those like Richard Dawkins, Daniel Dennett, etc, and science in general I now think those are pretty much my beliefs too, at best maybe I could class myself like Sam Harris as a Secular Buddhist, or maybe just a humanist, anyway I have gone past caring about labels and subscribing to anything that tells me what I have to think, but that aside it can sometimes be more difficult for people who have those sort of beliefs to make it through the night as they say, but unfortunately you can’t help what you believe. You could say people like us sometimes have to make an extra special effort to make the most of the now as we don’t see anything better to come, but the thing is that it need not necessarily be a problem, having those kind of beliefs doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be depressed, there are plenty who do so who are perfectly happy, likewise there are plenty who are religious who are also depressed, life it’s self can be enough of a reason to live if you make enough of it, but like I say you do have to make an extra special effort to make the most of it and this is an area in which you obviously have a fair bit of work to do. As far as you fear of death for someone with your beliefs there is really no need, far less than someone who thinks they may say burn and be tortured for all eternity or something, I am sure people of all belief systems experience anxiety over death, but what I would say to you is something like this, were you worried about 1820 for example? No, why? Well because you didn’t exist and therefore wasn’t aware of anything, if that’s what you believe happens to you after death the only time that it’s going to bother you is when you are alive, there’s really no need for someone with your belief system to worry, but there is a need for them to make the most of now and start living the rest of their life to the full! Why not try and see the positive elements of your outlook, would you really want to live forever? I don’t think I would, forever is a long time. Just try and see your beliefs as more of a reason to make the most of this life. My apologies for dealing with the life after death belief system issue, I am not meaning to offend anyone just trying to help someone who can’t help what they believe and perhaps needs to make peace with it.

It sounds to me like a lot of your problems are indeed related to pot, it sounds like you have just got lost within the lifestyle of your drug use, it’s actually very common I have heard from many many people in a similar situation as well as been there myself, I think the chemical effect of the drug it’s self on your brain may also be causing you a bit of a problem, unfortunately this can sometimes be the case, if you do quit and things don’t get any better then you may need to relook at your mental health treatment plan, but as you already know you aren’t really giving it a fair chance while you are continuing to live the way you are.

Anyway that’s just my take on it for whatever it’s worth. So why not join us in quitting and start living again?

Take care and please keep us posted.

All the best,

[robinl555]

Hear hear!

[Sighman]

Hi Guys: Thanks for all your valuable feedback. The sad part of this entire problem is that most of us who are experiencing this dependency really KNOW where the problems lie, how we can make significant changes, what we need to do in order to feel better about ourselves. But we keep hoping that somebody will tell us we're wrong and that smoking pot isn't the problem. It is too much of a coincidence that my life started to fall apart at the exact time I started smoking and ten years is a long time to live inside a hazy, self-indulgent bubble. My long-term dose of 20mg Prozac has been increased to 60mg for the past week and I must admit that there are small signs of improvement (increasing to 40mg had no effect whatsoever). I made the effort to make some social arrangements; met a friend for lunch on the other side of town yesterday and last night I went over to visit friends I haven't seen in months. I am using the psychological reasoning: "why do you want to spend so much time alone at home and what's the rush to get back to it every time you go out?" There is nothing pressing at home that requires my attention and when I AM at home I just lounge around feeling bored and depressed and then I smoke pot to numb those feelings. I have made a concerted effort to choose different clothes every day from my closet instead of wearing the same old thing day in and day out (to save on washing, ironing and, yes, to save on actually having to make a decision!) and I have allowed myself to just enjoy the weather, the spring blossoms etc when walking my dog. I am still smoking two or three hits every evening but if I can get out and about more then I won't be tempted to start using earlier and earlier in the day. Small changes but I am hoping that maybe the meds are doing something to help me change my frame of mind. I did sell off most of my stash to friends so that I can see how I cope when there is nothing left in the house, but I suspect that it won't be long before I'm hitting up my supplier for fresh supplies. Sadly it's just too easy to get hold of the stuff and now Washington,DC has opened its first medical marijuana dispensary; just another confirmation to dyed-in-the-wool potheads that weed is becoming increasingly acceptable and therefore no more dangerous than a couple of glasses of wine every evening. The use of pot in TV and movies is also becoming much more prevalent and, once again, I use that as an excuse to feel justified in my addiction.

I don't think I have reached the breaking point yet; that moment when you know that it is the time to make a serious effort to stop. People who stop smoking cigarettes after many years always tell me that there was a moment when they suddenly thought 'I can stop this'. My love-hate relationship with pot is akin to being bi-polar and I change my mind ten times a day. If the meds can at least get me feeling more like a human being then maybe I will be able to see the advantages to giving up the weed. I will keep you posted.

Once again,
Many Thanks!

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

I have not approved earths last post

Earth, dude, you are obviously a great guy and I feel really bad saying this as on the whole I genuinely like people like yourself and I am not just humouring you I really do, I like people who are prepared to go against the grain a little and who are sometimes prepared to help shake things up a bit, but a bit and a little being the operative words, but dude you are just a bit too radical and conspiratorial about too many things, especially when it comes to marijuana, you really do seem to have that pro marijuana take still, it’s not that I don’t think any of what you say has any merit at least not to an extent or in certain cases at least, it’s just that you are pumping out too much stuff which I really don’t think is always accurate or beneficial to people who are trying to quit pot and me and Robin just don’t have the time to argue with and correct you.

I have not approved your last post for this very reason, again some of the things you say aren’t bad points but there’s just too much which isn’t strictly true and it’s starting to take too much time having to argue with you. It is with a very heavy heart that I feel I have to ask you to seriously consider if you really want to be here? If I am perfectly honest I don’t think you can change your outlook and nor should you necessarily have to not if you don’t want to, but being perfectly honest I really do feel you are more hindrance than help to our group, and I am just going to come out and say it rather than try and blag you. So could I possibly ask you to try using another rehab group which perhaps has the moderators who have the time to debate this stuff with you and see how you get on, it’s a shame because part of me does quite enjoy it but unfortunately it can wear you down after a while and mine and robins time is both limited and really needs to be spent on other stuff.

I hope you don’t mind me asking you this and I assure you it’s nothing personal, I just feel I need to put the group first on this one.

My apologies in advance for any upset my request may cause.

All the best,

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Earth didn’t take well to me asking him to find another support group which was more comfortable with some of his pro marijuana views, assuming any other would stand him that is, anyway he started to become abusive he even managed to bring things like my nationality into it for some reason which I really don’t know why, as well as saying other less than pleasant things, anyway after leaving a string of abusive posts for me without thinking I selected the option to remove all of his posts, which I don’t usually do if somebody has already made other posts which have already been approved in order to maintain continuity within the threads, but my apologies I wasn’t really thinking, anyway that’s why earth’s posts are gone and the forums platform doesn’t have a restore feature without setting everybody’s posts back to the last weekly back up, which I really don’t think is worth it, I am afraid we will have to do without his pearls of wisdom.

All the best,

[names dont matter]

im new to this

so ive been smoking weed since i was about 16 or 17. prior to this point i always hated weed because i considered it a drug, and thought that no one should live their life dependent on chemicals such as thc. needless to say, social reasons are what really drew me in and soon enough i was smoking before and after school, and went through my entire college career (which took an extra year, i wonder why) doing the same thing. no matter where i would go, it seemed i would find the friends that smoked weed, and it was just something that was part of my daily habits. i smoked cigarettes at this point too, never more than a pack in a day, not that that should be counted as acceptable. im 24 now and havent smoked a cigarette in about a year and a half, and it is only once in a blue moon that i really want one. they disgusted me for the last two years of my smoking them, yet i could not seem to stop. the cigs started as a social thing as well - how cool. i know they say to live with no regrets, but i regret every cigarette i ever smoked. they do nothing for you - not a single positive side effect. its amazing that theyre legal. its a crazy feeling, hating something that you just cant stop doing. i didnt hate weed like that when i quit the smokes. i figured i was doing something good, so i shouldnt overwhelm myself by quitting everything at once- knowing id likely be a raging ***** if i did. so anyways, i quit the cigs and told myself ::good work::.

over the last year i have quit smoking weed at least 20 times. similar to a post i read here, i feel like im bi-polar, changing my mind, every other day- yes i want to quit- yes, this will be my last hit, etc. so far, ive failed miserably. i quit smoking cigarettes a few times as well - the saddest part is that I think what made me stop for real is a medical reason that would have worsened had i continued. let alone all the other reasons that people shouldnt start smoking cigarettes int he first place. the fact that i know i only quit smoking cigs because of the medical reason really doesnt give me much hope for myself in terms of quitting weed. i hate the fact that it jars with my memory, i hate the fact that it has made me a much less active person than i used to be, i hate that it makes me snack, esp at night (we all know it doesnt make you do anything, but it certainly feels like it), i hate that its expensive, and it makes me paranoid, i hate that my ambitions are lowered when i am high. i cannot stop listing to you why i hate it. yet, like a switch, i will intensely crave that high. the high that makes me immediately paranoid and unsatisfied with myself. so why do i keep going back to it? i know that it has to do wiht my friends and social life- these are not the same people that i started smoking with, but i have a group of friends who i see pretty frequently, and of which, i would say 7 of the 10 smoke weed. it is SO hard to not want to smoke when i am hanging out and drinking with my friends, even if there is another person there who doesnt smoke. it is safe to say, i am addicted to the high that it offers, yet every single time i have smoked in the past year, i have almost instantaneously regretted it. i dont feel relaxed, like people imagine one should feel. i just feel pathetic and weak.

i told myself i would stop smoking weed when i graduated from college - well that came and went. no such luck. not that luck has anything to do with it. i was going to stop 2 weeks before finals so that when job hunting started, i would be clean. well of course i had to smoke to celebrate, and of course my weed smoking friends who graduated in the same major as i told me that they dont really drug test in that field, so i continued, all the while, hating myself every time i lit up. ive recently applied and received offers for 2 jobs, the first one i cowered away from because of a drug test and the second, im still in the middle of figuring out what to do. i want the job. i wont pass the test. its not even that great of a job - its so entry level its sad, but its a great "foot in the door" opportunity that im likely going to have to pass up - let the self hate continue. i would always laugh at situations where people said they could not stop smoking weed - thinking what addictive about it? i havent smoked since yesterday - i havent bought it in a while, yet recently my friends asked me to find for them, so i did. naturally, i picked up some for myself, enjoying the discounted price i allotted without them knowing. (whos the scumbag now - me). these are the reasons i hate smoking weed. yet i feel like it surrounds me, somehow. its all my friends do , and yes, i know i need to make new friends, but in the meantime, its really hard to deal with all of this. my boyfriend used to smoke with me, he smoked more than i did- he stopped smking weed when i quit cigs. he quit cigs two weeks after that. what a strong person he is . then i think about how i should really stop because if he could, so can i. and the fact that he is so nice to me no matter if i smoke or not just makes it easier to keep smoking. i dont think he cares either way- but at this point i know it bothers him that i cant excel in my career path bc im always facing drug test issues. im afraid to take one ! i know that people usually say that after 2 or 3 weeks, the body is usually clean of detectable amount of thc - but what if i wait the correct time and still fail? i knw i wont go to jail or anything, but im still terrified of failing. i even debated cheating the test, still planning to quit , but cheating so that i may pass and start a "new " kind of life- one where i dont work with a bunch of people who smoke weed all the time . (restuarant business).

not only has weed affected my ability to successfully find a job and start my career, but it has made me realize that all the people that i am "friends" with in that previously mentioned group of friends are not really friends at all. they all use eachother for weed, or whatever they may need at that point in time. (i just mean they are selfish, not that they do hard drugs). it makes me so sad yet almost empowers me to know that at least i see their friendships for waht they really are. i now take them at face value and try not to put too much into maintaining them, as sad as that is. yes, i do have other friends, but htey all live at a minimum a state away from me, so its really really hard to just write off my "friendS" and continue to make such valiant efforts at quitting something i used to do so mundanely. i want to stop for so so so many reasons :
i deserve a better lifestyle
its expensive
its awful for your health
my boyfriend deserves someone who doesnt smoke
i want to find a higher paying job!


i need to regain my feelings from when i was a teenager, before i knew so much about it, and just knew tht it was bad for you. when i think back to that time, i get depressed all over again because i think to myself how i sort of broke a bond that i had made with myself, and its too late now. not that its too late to stop, but the bond is broken so whats the point. i already let myself down, so even if i stop, i will still know that i was weak and allowed my addictive personality to just take control of my life. i dont konw what the most depressing part of smoking weed is for me, but its all ranked pretty high in terms of reasons to be disgusted with myself over it. i used to use it for fun, as well as an anxiety controller. i dont have insurance (i could, if i would get a job ;( ), but i imagine i would be prescribed xanax if i was insured, as i can get overwhelmed fairly easily (i do take it sometimes). that could be caused by the weed. ive always been a little high strung, and just recently i feel like ive been more calm to those around me,, but the anxious feelings that people used to notice have not really gone anywhere. they are still in my head, and thoughts , 24/7. i used to love weed, and my love for it has turned to hate because of all of these things.
weed does depress me and worry me all at once - i cant believe it has really been such a big part of my life. stepping back and looking at it, thats almost 8 years of smoking the stuff. and i have nothing to show for it. except for these terrible and seemingly permanent feelings. awesome.

ive never really read or written on forums before, but i really feel as if i have no where else to turn to. i know you dont allow people to write on here that are pro-weed - i hope what i had to say wasnt too much or that i am comparable to Earth (whoever they are), and if i am, sorry!

Whether you think that you can, or think that you can't, you are usually right <-- i really like this btw.

[names dont matter]

i just typed a lot and it got deleted. so heres the sparksnotes.

so i just typed up this entire thing basically agreeing with you about how weed is depressing and yet i find that i cannot stop smoking it, and its a daily struggle for me, attempted to post the thread, and it disappeared. anwyays, i have tried to stop smoking countless times and i too feel bi-polar in the situation. i go abck and forth like a boomerang. i havent smoked since yesterday, and while that seems like nothing to some, its a lot for me. i used to look forward to it most. yet when i would smoke, as soon as i did it , i would be upset with myself, thinking why am i wasting my time with this stupid stuff. its been preventative in plenty of ways, from getting a higher paying job (drug test) to saving money, and i cant list enough reasons why i hate it. i was against it as a kid growing up and ended up being someone who utilized it the most. i let myself down in a way that i dont think i could ever make up to myself- and i think thats a big part of why i dont fully quit. in my head at this point in time, i have officially quit smoking - i really hope i stick with it.

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

Do I hate myself?

When I was in high school trying to stop smoking weed was easy because I was always busy with work and school. I just recently graduated summer 17' and got my CNA, but never did anything with my license cause I'm a pot head. I don't plan on doing anything in the medical field really I just want to make more money while I figure college out. I honestly love marijuana, but I'm not the poster child for dope heads I'm quite the opposite. Im the type of person that you would not believe I smoked if you saw me. Im a workaholic and when I'm not working I'm smoking. Recently I tried stopping after my birthday and it seems harder than before. I'm uninterested in like 70% of the things that make normal girls my age happy. All I really care about is money. When I'm alone and sober I actually notice how much I hate my life, and that's not okay. I refuse to believe that I'm depressed because it just doesn't seem like me. I just hate my life and feel like I'm going no where fast. Does that mean I hate myself ? I'm pretty confident physically and mentally. Marijuana makes me feel great even if I'm not sad. Taking away one of the few things that make me happy really sucks. Im still so young so I'm kind of lost right now and don't know what to do. I want to stop smoking, but it doesnt seem worth it. I already get paid almost as much as a cna. Coming out of high school my only goal was to be happy. I've seen numerous people lead successful lives and smoke pot. All my friends say fake it till you make it, but that's a lot of bullshit. if I'm gonna get randomly drug tested its not worth it I rather do things the right way. I like and respect a lot of your different views I've been reading on the post so far, so I decided to write something. Usually when I look on the Internet for help I just read and never engage, but I really do need some good advice. Thank you (:

[Alice]

Hey there,

I am sorry to hear that you are a bit down on life at the moment. I just wanted to suggest that withdrawal from cannabis can make us really quite irritable and some people suffer from anhedonia. The problem is that when you smoked, cannabis would stimulate the release of huge amounts of dopamine in your brain. As dopamine is a reward chemical, this means that you can feel really quite crappy in the withdrawal period, until your brain rewires itself and you start to get used to normal amounts of dopamine being released.

It is not as though you will never be happy again, or feel good again. It is just that your brain will not be waiting for that huge dose of dopamine. I feel just as good just as often without cannabis. And it is better, definitely.

So, I would suggest that you give yourself some more time. I set a goal of 6 weeks when I quit to assess how I felt and for many people that can be a good benchmark. Depending on what you smoked you might need more time, but be patient with yourself, you are going through a huge thing at the moment (withdrawal).

Life is just as good without weed, in fact it is better because your life can be so much more in your control.

What is CNA may I ask?

Take care and let us know how you are going.
Alice