Please help! I feel my life is at an end....

[jlb1924]

Hello all, this is a fantastic web site and reading some posts I have seen so many of my feelings/thoughts reflected in other peoples situations.

I have been with my husband for 7yrs now, we have 3 children aged 7yrs, 4yrs and 2yrs old. I found out my husband was taking cannabis 2yrs ago (but he confessed to a marriage guidence councellor it has been 4/5yrs). We have been fighting and arguing over it for a good 2yrs now. I dont know how much he takes as he hides it from me, he says its 1 or 2 a week but somehow I just dont believe him. I have found it hidden in our garage and his car (when I can get into it as he has never given me the spare key to it and when I have asked for it he has refused even thou he has the spare key to my car), when I have found it I have burnt it. My husband has never been the most forthcoming person with the truth and since he has been taking cannabis the lies have got worst. We are in terrible financial situation and went bankrupt 2yrs ago, thankfully we kept the house because of negative equity. I thought the bankruptcy would have kicked him into touch regarding being careful with money but it seems to have made no difference at all. Both our cars are on HP and he stopped paying his about 6mths ago and it has now gone to a solicitor but he still is not doing anything about it!! About 2months ago he was desperate for a packet of ***s (he is a 20 a day smoker although he denies this as well and says he only smokes around 10, but I know its 20 as I have monitored his *** packets just to prove to myself), we both did not have any money but my husband asked if he could borrow £5 out of our sons wallet as our son had around £25 in there from his birthday. He took this in November and I have hasseled him everyday to put it back when he had it and he has only just done this. My son was over the moon when I gave him his £5 back but when he went to put it in his wallet found that the remaining money had gone! He was crying his eyes out, I asked him to think whether he had taken it our and put it somewhere else but he said he had not, so the only thing I can think of is my husband had taken it!!! So I sent him a text to ask and he denied it!!! So looks like we have a polterguist or a lying cheating husband!!. My husband does shift work 2 days 7am - 7pm and 2 nights 7pm - 7am its a coushy job and he does get some sleep at night when on nights. He job is around 1/2 - 3/4hrs drive away but it always takes him an hour so he leaves at 6am for day shifts and does not get back til 8pm and leaves at 6pm for night shifts and gets back at 8am. He brother in law works in the same place but he does this journey in 1/2hr and lives in same village as us, so I presume the extra half hour is for my husband to pull over and have a joint! After his day and night shifts he gets 4 days off to which in these days he started self employed plumbing which he has been doing for 4yrs now. This means I hardly see him as during his plumbing days he is often out til 8pm and on many occasions gone midnight!!! I thought he may be having an affair and have talked to him about this but he swears not (im not really sure whether I think he is or not, feel very confused about this). The whole situation leaves me feeling very neglected and lonely and unfortunately I have a bried fling last summer with an old boyfriend, it was literally 6meetings in a pub and unfortunately the last meeting ended up in 5mins of sex (it wasnt planned, just happened after too much drink). Husband found out about all this and obviously went mad, made my life hell and the bloke involved, he pretended to be a policeman over the phone and rang up this blokes wife to ask some questions. He went through my phone, my bank account my bags just about everything! He has always checked my mobile and I do his as well. I regretted the fling but he constantly uses it against me and is always throwing it in my face saying I have not told him anything and he wants to know all the details. I have told him everything I could remember but I now no longer want to talk about it as it makes me feel sick. I got both of us counselling individually to help us both but although I got some support from it, it does not seem to have helped him! Everytime he promised to give up cannabis I eventually find out he has lied to me so our relationship is like a roller coaster ride with all the ups and downs (more downs then ups now). We have just fallen out again big time as he came home Friday morning from a night shift (he was ment to be home by 8am as I had my counselling appt at 8) but he did not turn up til 8.30 saying there was a problem at work. When he walked in he stunk of cannabis so I asked him if he had taken any? He shouted at me no and walked off, I aksed to look at his eyes and I could feel the anger swelling up inside, I could see his pupils were dilated and slightly blood shot so I said it to him and asked him to be a man and admit the truth, he shouted something at me about being a bloody dr and then admitted to having a joint on way home. He has not been sleeping at house since that day as I said I dont want him anywhere near us but he did come back last night and night before and slept on sofa.

I am so unhappy and so worried about my kids as in the past when I have pushed him he has smashed a hole in my wall my door and smashed up an organ I had. The kids saw this and they cried and cried. I love him so so much but the worry he is causing me is going to kill me. I have been up all night crying my eyes are so swollen I can hardly open them. He tries to make out I am exagerating the situation and that I have mental health issues or worry too much etc he turns everything round on me even the money situation because I spend the odd £20 here and there on clothes for kids but when I say his ***s cost £160 a month plus cabbabis on top (by the way I have no idea how much cannabis costs???) he does not acknowledge that. I cant leave him as I have no where to go, I cant get him out the house as I could not afford the mortgage and fixed loan on my own (I would be about £400 short a month). He has changed his salary payment this month so it will not be going into joint account where all the bills come out of but into his sole account so I am now worried sick that although he said he will transfer money accross for mortgage I know he will end up spending it. I have no trust left for him so even if he says he will give up the cannabis I know he wont as this has been his promise for 2yrs now. He is risking everything, his job his family and his health. He swears blind he only smokes 1-2 a week, how would I know any different. If he was only smoking 1-2 a week would that cause an addiction as I know he is addicted but thought it would be more then 1-2 a week to be addicted?? Can anyone answer that?
What should I do, I have no one to talk to, Im worn out as I also work 4days a week and have to look after my 3 children as well so I have no life for myself, I am trying to hold things together for the sake of the kids but I know I cant go on like this with all the worry. I feel that although I love him I would be better off with out him as I would not have all the worry, but I cant sell house due to negative equity, if I just walked out of house I would not be able to rent anywhere as I have a bad credit history due to bankruptcy, there are no council houses in our area ( have investigated this with houseing) so I would end up in a slum area far away from the only family I have left (my mum and my brother). I had a dream last night that a stairway to heaven opened up and I could see my dad (who passed away 14yrs ago) and other family who have passed on at the top of the stair case waiting for me so I grabbed the children my mum and brother and we all walked up the stairs to heaven and lived happily ever after. I dont know what to do now.

So sorry this is so long I do hope someone has the time to read it even if its just to offer me a bit of emotional support.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Marijuana Addiction Abuse

Hi jlb1924 welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry to hear how upset you are, it sounds like you have an awful lot going on there and that your husband’s cannabis use may just be one of many issues. I am always a little bit reluctant to tell people what to do as far as their marriage goes, as I think it’s something that they can only decide for themselves. However been as you are asking for advice I will give you my opinion and make of it what you will.

I don’t really know whether your husband is addicted to cannabis, cannabis is a bit like alcohol in the sense that not everybody who uses it is necessarily addicted, there are plenty of people who use it who aren’t addicted just like with drink, it can depend on how much and how often people use, which by the sound of it even you don’t really know at the moment. So it’s hard to say whether he has a problem with it or not.

It sounds like there’s a major issue with trust in your marriage, with him because of your fling and with you because of him lying about his drug use. Although you are already in marriage guidance so I guess you are trying to address that, but until there’s more honestly about what’s really going on, including his drug use, I don’t really think you guys will make much progress.

I think when dealing with any drug user in order to get them to open up and be honest about their drug use, you have to try and suspend your judgement for a while and listen in a calm and understanding way, otherwise I don’t think he is going to be honest with you about how much and often he is actually using. Here’s a post with some links on how to talk to someone who is taking drugs. http://www.forummatters.com/forums/showthread.php?t=223

I think you need to sit down with him possibly during one of your marriage guidance sessions and calmly and warmly explain to him that you are not angry with him and love him very much, but that you know he is using more than he admits to and that you really need to know just how much he is really using. You need to give him every opportunity to open up to you and be honest, without him feeling scared you are going to get angry with him or judge him. Only then is he likely to tell you the truth and will you really know what you are dealing with and be in a position to try to find a solution that you are both happy with. Of course you may do all this and he still may not be honest with you, if that’s the case there’s not an awful lot you can do about that, but at least you will know that you have tried and done all that you can.

Like I say I think there are a number of issues you may need to deal with and it’s only if you are totally honest with each other will you be able to do this.

To answer your specific question, if he is only smoking one to two joints a week then I would not say he is addicted, most people on CannabisRehab.org who consider themselves to have a problem smoke allot more than that.

Personally I would not give up on your marriage just yet, I think there is still a chance you can sort things out. But you will both have to be totally committed to doing so.

Again I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through and offer my sincere sympathy and support. Anytime you want to get something off your chest we are here to listen.

Take care and lots of love.

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

I don’t really have any advice, I just wanted to say how much I feel for you and wish you the best.

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

But what if she is angry with him. It can make you angry when someone you love is taking drugs. What then?

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

I totally understand that, really I do, but you have to try to put that aside and do your best to overcome it if you are to resolve the situation. Getting angry won’t achieve anything constructive, it will only alienate the person who you are trying communicate with and put them on the defensive. It’s like the old saying goes you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. You can still put your point across and they are far more likely to be receptive to it if you do it in a calm and collected manor.

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

I doubt very much that your husband is addicted as others have said this is extremely unlikely if he is only taking it 2 to 3 times a week.

I suggest that you do not confront him when he has been using but only when he is "sober" as that way he will think more clearly and rationally about the situation.

You could maybe ask him if his use of cannabis is an escape from something and try and get him to talk about that.WHat does he get from the cannabis etc Very often cannabis use as with alcohol is an attempt to put off facing a particular problem. if you can solve the problem then the need to use may disappear.

If you love him then try and understand why he feels he needs to use cannabis not being judgemental about the rights and wrong of the use, as this is confrontational and will cause him to retreat probably into more secret use.

Remember that as others have said many users of cannabis use it like some people use alcohol and it may have little negative consequences just like the odd glass of wine. If his love for you and your children is as deep as yours obviously is for him then you need to come to some sort of open common ground without confrontation and allowing each other the space to open up and explain how both of you are feeling thinking

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

I don’t think she knows whether her husband is addicted to the drug or not, as it doesn’t sound like he is being honest about how much he is smoking. It sounds like he may be smoking every day, in which case he may have some sort of a habit.

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

my marriage broke up 7 years ago but it was over a few years b4 the final straw-i was drinking and smoking too much because i was miserable-i had a problem and because tings wernt goin well that was it-marriage these days is 4 th good times-wen its **** people dont try-

i cant help feeling 2 things-u r using th canabis issue to put a final ultimatum in ur marriage-if he stops smoking will that be okay?i mean if he changes nothing else but stops that do u think that will resolve the issue?u must also do wat ur doin-find out about something that u r not sure of-take it from me-smokin dope is not a bad thing-wen it consumes ur lifee then its trouble-u need to find out EXACTLY wat he's doin-goin by ur timescale he's smokin dope wen ur not there-my guess is that he has a joint b4 work-on his breaks-and after work-i'd nearly guess at nite he goes out the back or to the car 4 1-if he's not careful he'll end up like many of the rest of us on this forum-messd up head cause of smokn-it can happen to people so easily-remember dope aint a bad thing-like anything else if u do it wrong it will beat u-

accept that he smokes-tell him 2 accept it 2-u dont need to be in2 it but who says ur judgement is right and his is rong-if he's doin 2 much thats another story-haven kids-sortn out a morgage,job, life-its tough 4 us all-i live on my own and my kids spend half the week with me-wen ther gone i'm lost-ADD 2 that the fact i have a reckless streak-it aint a gud mix-

u noth have to be honest-get a list-write down character traits u dont like-not stuff like the toilet seats always left up!the important stuff-talk about how u feel about things on ur list-

if u drank a bottle of wine on a friday nite it destresses u and even tho u mite not feel great the next day thats the week that was over-a new one begins-if u drink a bottle of wine every day then alarm bells should ring-ask him "if i drank as many times as u smoke would u feel okay about it-he must c ur point of view and u his-drugs arnt a bad thing-its how u do them that counts-

i'v since learnd myself that wether i did drugs or 2 much drink my marriage hadnt a chance-we'd a both been miserable-if u still love him and want to spend ur life with him then talk about it-even to a friend first-and make it a friend who'll answer u back-thers no point in goin 2 somebody who'll just agree with u-thats pointless-

ur fling?we all need the touch of another person-if u aint gettn it at home u'll get it elsewer-tel him u'd rather it was him u wer with-

tell him 2 cut th **** and tell u wats goin on-thats wer u start-xpalain the issue of drugs and wat they mean 2 u-the media is bullshit-they dont inform anyone-heres a fact-u hav more chance dying going to get ur stash than using it-we dont hear that statistc in the papers-road deaths are acceptable collateral to pay for a quicker lifestyle-but all it takes is one death by drugs and the papers are full if (sh)it-

my advice is to compare dope with drink-only difference being that the xchequer aint workd out a fullproof way of taxing it-and too many people who condemn it know zero about it-a friend of mine used to drink 3 bottles of whiskey a day and he was death on drugs-he couldnt c wat he was doin but my problems wer all 2 obvious-

i hope u work things out and that u feel its worth workn out-not 4 him or the kids but for urslf-cause wen ur alone its how u feel that counts-

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Hi,

Really feeling for you mate. I know where you are, except alcohol is my now ex partners problem. I have 4 children and I know how much the uncertainty and stress and all that goes with it can affect you...congratulations for not turning to pot like I did , cos it would have been so easy to do. It proves you have more strength than you think.

Not going to give you any advice on your relationship as I don't feel I'm qualified to do so. But I had an idea I wanted to share with you.

I don't know much about na (we don't have one here), but my partners aunty told me to contact al-anon. Its for people with loved ones who have a problem with drinking (and although I don't think your man has a particular problem with dope, you have a problem with his use and it is obviously affecting you, along with all the other issues). They understand perfectly what it means to be controlled by a partners substance abuse/use and there are people there who can support you and guide you in decisions so you're not alone. I haven't been to a meeting yet, but I have talked several times to someone from the organisation and it has been a great help. They're very understanding, non-judgemental and just lovely people all around. If you have na in your area, I assume they have a similar thing. It's all about the support. And not feeling so alone. And you're not alone, trust me.

We're all with you. I know you're scared and I know how isolating it feels to have to seek advice and support from strangers, but we're all behind you and wishing you well. I really hope that things get easier for you. I send you special thoughts and prayers for you, your partner and your children. Keep the faith and don't lose hope, whatever you do. You'll get through this.

Peace, love and a tranquil heart...

Hippychick