I have been smoking for about 11 years. I didnt start smoking everyday until I met my husband to be. He is 5 years older then me and has been smoking much longer. My Father's side of my family is who introduce me to it. I smoked for the first time when I was like 14. I was really good in track so I just tried it. I told myself that after I graduated I might consider being a full time smoker. I come fro a really strict house hold and have been through a lot of pain in this short lifetime. Ii want to stop now. It is sooooo hard because my husband is a smoker. My mother made me stop running because of religious purposes. I know those of you reading this are thinking what does religion have to do with it. I was the top sprinterin my school. I was on Varsity my Freshman year. I thought my dream future would be as an Olympic runner. I hadbeen running since I could walk. My parents said I skipped the walking and ran with my first steps. Well I got tired of fighting with my Mother about the issue. I track quit my junior year. My was scholorship gone. My self-esteem was crumbled, and my future was unknown. So insted of thinking about it I started to smoke weed. For those hours of being high I didnt think of anything in my life. It felt good to laugh. It was my way of rebelling against my family and the world. I tried to detox soon after, My Grandmother told me she smoked while being pregnant with all her kids, and to this day still smokes. Well years have passed and I just dontwant to do it anymore. The problem is I know if I stop I have to confront all of the pain I have been supressing. I am surrounded around people who smoke. This is not friends that I can just stop hanging with. This is family that likes to be able to laugh because I am the clon of the family. I am not saying they wont laugh without me. When I tried to detox my husband, sister, friends, and granny said I was crazy. I have a 2 year old now. I dontsmoke around him, but i hate the time I devote toward the drug instead of working on developing him. I try to be super Mom. How super can I be if the drug is controlling me. I want to stop. I need to stop. I have gained weight. I am already what you would call a lazy Libra. Well you add that in with smoking and I am not functionable. Meaning at the end of the day stuffthat I could have had done in no time takes all day or just doesnt get done. I think i need counseling or rehab. If my family knew I would get laughed out of town. Then it's like I see all the additional side-effects and I am scared. I dontwant to be a ***** to my son for a month, when it's not his fault Mommy started puffing in the first place. I wish i could just go check in somewhere. I have tried a number of tactics. Cold turkey, telling my husband to hide the weed.(in the end back fires because by the time he gets home if he is just one second late I am on the other side of that door like a beast in the night squaring up for her first meal. I feel like i am slipping into a depession. It was fine and dandy when I wanted to do it. Now that I want to detox I feel like a prisoner to my own addition. I just keep thinking,"Your stronger than this!"
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