Quitting today - again.

[RRL]

Greetings all,

I'm 35 and decided to join this rehab group as this is my second attempt at quitting pot and I intend to make it my last. I last used today around noon. I had been using for the past 20 years and daily for the past 8 (after work.) I was inspired by many posts here and felt that it would help to join a community like this because I believe I will need some support this time.

The last time I "quit" was a little over a month ago. I flushed the remainder of my stash down the toilet - it was a very sad moment. I have no friends who smoke otherwise I would have given it away. Essentially, I made it a about 5 days before I replenished and started using again until today. One difference is since I started up again I had reduced the intake quite a but and also switched back in the past week or so to using a small portable vaporizer to kind of ween off since I was starting to want to quit again. So for the past week I've been vaporizing which resulted in using about half the amount of pot and the high much more subtle.

So today, I decided to try and smoke, not vaporize, all that I had left with the intention of getting to the point of being uncomfortably high. Well, I was so high that I couldn't smoke anymore and believe that I reached that goal of being uncomfortably high because I started feeling paranoid with sweaty palms, etc. I basically wanted the last time I used to be unpleasant and it was. So unfortunately I did have to dispose of the remainder of the weed down the toilet again. Painful, but I needed to take control - again.

I am quitting because I am sick of being dependent on it and would rather have the extra money to spend on other things. I'm already addicted to nicotine and I would like at least one monkey off my back. Tobacco is another long term addiction I plan to quit, but not right now. Cannabis has been a blessing and a curse for me. I've been really good at rationalizing my use, but I'm at a point where I want to make some life changes and I don't want pot to be something I have to be concerned about in terms of interference.

I have an addictive personality and have struggled with alcohol use in the past as well. I am very committed to not using anymore and I am glad I found this forum. I anticipate some of the withdrawal symptoms I've had in the past such as trouble sleeping, weird dreams and the common symptoms described throughout this forum, so I'm hoping this rehab group can help distract me as well. I am planning to post information about my progress including things that work for me or don't work for me. Thanks for reading about my story and I look forward to interacting here.

[freetobeme]

Welcome and good luck to you. One day at a time. Today makes 54 for me and it feels like just yesterday I was In your shoes. You can do it !

[RRL]

Start of day 1

Thank you, freetobeme, for the kind welcome and encouragement, and congrats as well on your progress!

This morning I feel optimistic even though I know at the end of the day I won't be able to use cannabis. For this post I'm just going to talk about some of the things that have been on my mind leading up to quitting.

I've decided I no longer want cannabis to be part of my life and would rather have other, more important things be a priority; like family and friends. I don't believe I have neglected either due to my past pot use, but I know it has affected my behavior around them. I haven't been eating enough or in a balanced manner for many years, and now I will have more time and money to attend to that issue. Pot tended to increase my already natural tendency to be somewhat reclusive.

As someone who has anxiety problems, I can say that marijuana definitely tended to increase that anxiety in certain ways while under the influence of cannabis. It did depend a lot on the strain of weed, though, as some would couch-lock me to sleep and some would have me extra sensitive to senses, etc. I believe I was talking myself into believing it was calming me down, lol. I suppose alcohol calmed me down or 'numbed' me the way I wanted, but I didn't like getting tipsy/drunk and I didn't want to be physically addicted to another substance since I'm already addicted to nicotine.

So this became a problem because I was drinking 5-6 beers a day after work - all within an hour or two for at least 5 months. When I quit the alcohol a few months ago, I had decided to quit pot too a few days later. That only lasted around 5 days before I was back to my usual cannabis routine. Marijuana didn't seem to provide much of the calming or numbing effect I was seeking, but rather was more likely to result in paranoia, increased anxiety, worry, racing thoughts, etc. So to make a long story short I was doing a lot of lying to myself and not accepting the reality of my situation and how cannabis affected my anxiety overall.

I will post more tomorrow or this evening if I feel that it would be of some use to me and the rehab group as I continue my new cannabis-free life!

Thank you for reading this post and best wishes,

-D