Discussion for rehabbers using again

[letsgoforit]

Hello,

Although I am in a rehabbing phase and that I don't plan to use again, I know that I may fall again. The last time I did, I felt ashamed and worthless. What I do when ashamed and worthless, I isolate myself. I did not dare writing again on this rehab group because my ego was hurt, because I did not want to pollute the rehab group with my failure stories. But I now think that discussing what triggers using again after abstaining for an extensive period of time may help us and others in our path to sobriety.

So if you stopped rehabbing. How did it happen? How did you feel before using again? How did you feel after that first use? Do you feel that you need to quit again?

In my case, after 38 days. I was offered a pound which I did not refused. But I thought I could just bring it home and give most of it to a smoking pal. One saturday, I decided to just take a hit before having sex with my wife. It felt really good. I felt really good. I slept really well. The next day, I did not feel to f'd up. I suffer from arthritis and november is always a tough and painful period. Pot gave me some good rest, numbing my pain. That following night I though, that just one inhalation with my vaporizer would not do much harm. It was good, I decided to make myself small vaporizer bags (see the volcano bags), just enough for a small quantity, once in a while, how could it hurt? Before long, the bags came back to their full size and I was smoking every day again. I was ashamed of myself. I removed myself from this forum, although I came back regularly to see how some other users were doing. I ended up keeping that pound for myself.

Maybe if I had talked about it instead of feeling ashamed, I would not have wasted an other 6 months of daily usage.

So if you are an ex rehabber, using again but still coming to this forum, tell us about you, tell us how you feel.

[Timetomoveon]

Hi Letsgofor it Michelle and all the others,

I haven't written here for weeks after falling off my weed-free train after a 40 days stretch. I now feel ashamed, tired and I need to quit again.
You bring up an interesting question: I did I fall back into this path of destruction I know all too well? How did I exactly were able to justify picking up a joint after a great run?

If I remember correctly, I ran into a guy I know loves smoking and smokes all-day, every day. I picked up a small 5$ bag and that was it. Why did I do it? I thought I was strong, I thought I could relax more easily without falling back into this routine. I was dead wrong.

One social toke at night turned into
One social toke at during the day turned into
One small personal joint at night turned into
One small joint in the morning turned into
2-3 joints a day, regular size.

Exactly where I was 3 months ago.

In fact 3 months ago I was going to quit forever. Now I am struggling with it again.

35 days is awesome Letsgoforit! Keep looking ahead.

I will finish this post with a theory.

When you walk away from an addiction, you have to look ahead, always. If you start looking behind, you're gonna go back to what you've know, what you once believe meant comfort to you.

Good night!

[Alice]

I am sorry to hear that you fell off the wagon, but I believe that you will get stronger and stronger.

I completely agree with what you said. Let's look forward and leave the cloud behind!

Good luck!

[letsgoforit]

Hi Letsgofor it Michelle and all the others,

I haven't written here for weeks after falling off my weed-free train after a 40 days stretch. I now feel ashamed, tired and I need to quit again.
You bring up an interesting question: I did I fall back into this path of destruction I know all too well? How did I exactly were able to justify picking up a joint after a great run?

If I remember correctly, I ran into a guy I know loves smoking and smokes all-day, every day. I picked up a small 5$ bag and that was it. Why did I do it? I thought I was strong, I thought I could relax more easily without falling back into this routine. I was dead wrong.

One social toke at night turned into
One social toke at during the day turned into
One small personal joint at night turned into
One small joint in the morning turned into
2-3 joints a day, regular size.

Exactly where I was 3 months ago.

In fact 3 months ago I was going to quit forever. Now I am struggling with it again.

35 days is awesome Letsgoforit! Keep looking ahead.

I will finish this post with a theory.

When you walk away from an addiction, you have to look ahead, always. If you start looking behind, you're gonna go back to what you've know, what you once believe meant comfort to you.

Good night!

Hi there TimeToMoveOn,


I think we all know the feeling right? We are doing so good that we allow to trust ourself with just one time.. But itstead of trusting ourselve with just doing it once, we must learn to trust ourselves not to fall back in the hands of our weakness.

I so wish that I was like my wife and friends who can smoke once in a while. I just can't. I just can't trust myself with this substance. I'm at 37 day, 1 day shy of my last year record, and I'm still scared that someday I will forget that I cannot trust myself with just this one time and start all over again. It would suck. But TTMO don't feel ashamed. There is nothing to be ashamed of. This is why I created this thread because falling is nothing to be ashamed of. Those who don't try don't fall. I know the pain of being back on it. But if you are anything like me, you know what you need to do to quit again. Look at yourself in the mirror and acknowlege the pain that cannabis brings to you, acknowledge the reasons you quit 6 months ago. Take your weed and all the cannabis paraphernalia and put it in the garbage and take the garbage out to the dumpster. And next time you are offered weed, stop and think about how just that little hit spoiled that 40 days of pain and effort and pride and confidence building.

I offer you my best wishes of peace and strength. The best time to quit is now. If I ever fall again, now will still be the best time to quit.

[letsgoforit]

Hi Letsgofor it Michelle and all the others,

I haven't written here for weeks after falling off my weed-free train after a 40 days stretch. I now feel ashamed, tired and I need to quit again.
You bring up an interesting question: I did I fall back into this path of destruction I know all too well? How did I exactly were able to justify picking up a joint after a great run?

If I remember correctly, I ran into a guy I know loves smoking and smokes all-day, every day. I picked up a small 5$ bag and that was it. Why did I do it? I thought I was strong, I thought I could relax more easily without falling back into this routine. I was dead wrong.

One social toke at night turned into
One social toke at during the day turned into
One small personal joint at night turned into
One small joint in the morning turned into
2-3 joints a day, regular size.

Exactly where I was 3 months ago.

In fact 3 months ago I was going to quit forever. Now I am struggling with it again.

35 days is awesome Letsgoforit! Keep looking ahead.

I will finish this post with a theory.

When you walk away from an addiction, you have to look ahead, always. If you start looking behind, you're gonna go back to what you've know, what you once believe meant comfort to you.

Good night!

Hey there TTMO,

Three months ago you were going to quit forever and now you went back into the old pattern. I know, it sucks, been there too many times. There were times where I literally quit every day and failed every day. This was not good for my self-esteem. By failing to quit so often it was hard to believe in myself or even believe that I really wanted to quit. Sometimes I felt like if I was just lying to myself and just deciding to quit to give me a good conscience.

But now, 44 days in the process, I know that I really quit all these times and that I really failed to quit all these times.

But isn't it a good day to stop? Today? If you are serious about quitting, throw everything away, you won't need it anymore. This is what got me started and enabled me to go over my one day barrier. The draw I had toward cannabis is much stronger that a chemical addiction like cigarettes. I quit cigarettes 15 years ago and it was nothing like quitting pot.

If you're still smoking, which is your privilege and nothing to be ashamed of, do you plan on quitting some day? What will decide you to do so? What, in your opinion, keeps you on the drug?


Your input may help others.

Again, using again is not shameful. This is why we are addicts. At the same time, we have a strength that non-addicts don't have which is to resist addiction. To resist temptation. We may fail to control ourselves but if there is no pull, there is no resistence to have.

I beg people with addictions not to let people without addiction accuse them of having no will power. In the same way, it would make no sense for a being living without the force of gravity to accuse someone living on earth to have no will because he sometimes fall.


Peace to all rehabbers.

[Michelle]

Hi Lets Go For It,

I share similar feelings with you. Having failed in my withdrawal after 45 days I felt worthless and couldn't bring myself to post because I felt like a failure and that I'd let people down.

Six months is a long time and I agree that by posting you may have sought the support you needed to quit earlier.

I know now that I can't have just "a little bit". I feel the addiction is so strong and alive in me. I can't control it like others who just have one smoke before bed. I have to abstain totally and this is my plan. if there's none around I can do it.

I've wasted almost 30 years of my life being stoned. I feel I could have achieved so much more in life. So here I am, turning 46 this year and starting the next chapter in my life. I know it's going to be better sober.

Being sober is like being stoned in a way for me. It's a feeling I haven't felt for a long time. Good luck with your journey.

[letsgoforit]

Hi Lets Go For It,

I can't control it like others who just have one smoke before bed. I have to abstain totally and this is my plan. if there's none around I can do it.

I've wasted almost 30 years of my life being stoned.

Hey there Michelle,

In my case, I smoked only at night not because of control but because of a lack of craving during the day. Remember the TED talk? I was not addicted during the day so it was easy. Had I been able to resist during the day, I would have equaly been able to resist at night. The truth is that I did not need to resist during the day no more than I needed to resist alcohol during the day. It's much easier to be vegetarian when you don't like meat and never crave it.

Can you explain how the feeling that "Being sober is like being stoned in a way" for you?

[Michelle]

Hi There Let's Go For It,

Thanks for your post. I'll try and explain - it's because I've spent more years in my life stoned than sober. So being stoned has become the normal state of mind for me. Now that I'm sober I feel so very different. That difference was what I was trying to achieve being stoned in a way. Sorry feels like I'm not making much sense.

Day 2 today and I feel good. Was actually offered some and didn't take it up.. I can't believe the moment I want to quit how temptation comes from the least likely places. When I'm trying to score guaranteed you can't get any.

It's total abstinence I need. I've been struggling with my inner voice today and used some of the info from the TED talk, it was helpful. I try and concentrate on that long term goal - try and talk to that person who is sober 10 years down the track.

Last night I slept well which was surprising. I woke up a few times but managed to get back to sleep again. I felt good when I woke up this morning. Thought about smoking a couple of times during the day but its the evening which is the hardest. I was out at meetings this evening which took my mind off it but when I got home its the first thing I thought of. Have to reprogram my brain . . . .

I got too complacent last time, because it had been 45 days I thought no worries I'll just have a little bit, maybe one cone a night thinking I could control it - I can't. So I have my list up - look at it often for inspiration and to remind my why I'm rehabbing. I'm taking it day by day and hope that one day soon I'll be losing count of how many days and it becomes my new way of life.....

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

Just remember folks that as long as you still have the will to try you are always welcome here at least one more time and always will be, it's not that anyone wants to set out to fail but all rehabilitation not just within addiction but any other area of life too IMO should always be open to those who are willing to try no matter how many times it takes, people don't always succeed with things the first time, second or even third, sometimes it takes many many tries but the only thing that guarantees failure is not to try at all.

The worst thing of all to me is the idea of someone wanting rehabilitation and finding the doors are closed to them even if it's not their first attempt, which is why I always say as long as a person is willing to try even if at times they still use then they will always be welcome at this rehab support group.

All the best rehabbers,

[letsgoforit]

Well Said CRA!

During the last few years, I've quit pot almost as often as I smoked. Unfortunately, addictions just depleted my willpower to an empty tank. Nothing to be ashamed of.

[Alice]

Hi Michelle,

My heart goes out to you at the beginning of this journey when you need to relearn how to live life without this drug. We have a certain degree of plasticity in our brains which makes associations between our routines and certain substances. I certainly found this with cigarettes, but if you can keep retraining your brain, those associations will get replaced with healthier ones.

I found with cigarettes that rewarding myself with lovely feel good things like a warm shower, or incense and music felt good and built new associations with not smoking. THC stimulates dopamine production and the reward circuits of our brain, so I think it can be helpful to learn how to feel good in other ways.

Stay busy and distract yourself through the first bit, if you can.

People who have quit for years can be very motivating, I agree :-)

Staying quit with you xx

[Michelle]

Hi Alice,

Thanks for your kind words. For me quitting cigarettes wasn't a problem. I smoked tobacco for over 15 years and when I quit, I relapsed once a week later and that was 14 years ago now. At least I don't have to deal with quitting tobacco as well as the dreaded weed together.

Thanks for your support, Day 3 finished and I'm feeling okay. I ran a few kms this evening to tire myself out and feel knackered now. I haven't run in years, it feels good. I've also been so productive today compared to my usual passive unmotivated state. Hang in there, it gets easier.

[Timetomoveon]

Hi guys and thank you for the encouragement. I have been through this process numerous times and I am determined to stop one day. And that day is now.
Just like Michelle and LGFI, my record was around 40 days but I won't think it will be fine to smoke one when I reach that mark again. After being an every day pot smoker, every occasion was good for lighting up. I don't want to dwell on the past, I know I failed and I want to look forward now.

So today is day 5 and I am fully going through withdrawal. I am away on vacation with my family and patience is running thin. My wife doesn't know whats going on and I can't tell her. We had an argument yesterday and I am not feeling great. I am feeling so tired and therefore sleeping a lot more than usual. I have made the few days of this vacation bad for everyone and I am trying very hard to get through this. Yesterday I felt like crying, today I feel like a failure. Luckily I am in tropical paradise and will be able to do some soul searching and sit on the beach to reflect on all this.

I have known I wanted to stop smoking for a long time. I am 100% convinced that my life needs that change otherwise I will not find happiness although I have it right in front of me. I want to laugh freely, without guilt. The list is long and I know all of those reading know the feeling of not being the best you can be.

Welcome to the rehab group Alice, good luck on your journey.

Michelle, I'm with you from the beginning and I know you'll succeed. Congrats on the run!

Lgfi you are wise man, I think we are alike in many ways. Keep it up.

I feel better already. Now I can go snorkeling. ;-)

[Michelle]

HI TTMO,

Nice to hear from you. Here were are again ...... don't beat yourself up - the more we try the more we will succeed. I think this is it for me this time, something has clicked, it's like there's no more chances for me, I have to do this time and believe I will. I was lulled into a false sense of achievement, thinking I could just have a little and control it but of course as well all know there are some of us who just can't control usage and I'm definitely one of them. All or nothing and I choose nothing.

I hear you - the anger that rises and explodes, it comes from no where. I think I have it under control and then wham - it just lets loose. Unfortunately it's my kids on the firing line and I'm trying really hard to contain it, like you. Once we can get through these stages of withdrawal we'll be laughing - really laughing.

You're not a failure, far from it. You know where you're at and where you want to go. That's a great start and I believe you can do it this time too. It must be hard not being able to talk to your wife about why you're acting this way. Hang in there and hopefully you can get some support from here.

Enjoy your beautiful scenery and know you are doing good, don't be so hard on yourself!

[Timetomoveon]

Hi Michelle,

Thanks for the kind words, today I feel better than yesterday and I know it will only improve. Just like you said in another post about you quitting smoking, we have to truly believe that we are not non-smokers. Some people can have just a little bit and even keep weed in their possesssion without touching it but I really can't. If I have it, I'll smoke it.

I was just reading Lena's story and it reminded me of my stay in Amsterdam back in 2002. I don't like people to know I am a pothead. Let me rephrase that: I don't want anybody to know I WAS a pothead. I live in Canada and people are talking about legalizing weed but I am against it. I think for me if it was legal I would want to stay away even more. I think smoking was a way for me to make my own decision and that nobody could tell me what to do. Now I have to make the decision to be clean. When I made the list of pros and cons for lighting up, the cons weighted much more than the pros. Yet something made me keep on smoking. Now I am done being a slave and looking forward to regaining my health, judgment, clarity and witts. 6 days in, I feel bettter.

For having done it numerous times, I know I am not out of the woods yet. I know I need to be strong and believe in my heart that my life as a non smoker has beggun and will bring me so much more happiness.

Thanks for reading and good luck to all of you out there.

ttmo