Retiring for good - Start of the Journey

[Mast3rl3ss]

Part 1

Hi everyone,

Little about me

Really not quite sure where to start to be honest! I'm 34 years old and have smoked marijuana daily since I started at 18. In terms of the amount I get through, I'd say it's pretty much been an average over all those years of an ounce a month or so. I'm not sure if I'm quite a rare case or not, but honestly I feel like I'm one of the people lucky enough to have never in all my time smoking suffered from any paranoia, anxiety, hallucinations or any other "negative" factors. I say "negative" in quotation marks because obviously there are many negatives to smoking weed in my opinion, I've just not had any physical negatives to date.

I'm one of those people that when anyone finds out I smoke weed, they're usually pretty shocked. Have always had a job since my first paper round at 12 years old and haven't been unemployed a day in my life. Have had a few careers - banking, technology etc. and have always been a really high performer, in my working life and personal life. I've got a great group of friends, can talk to anyone and have always been a very upbeat, positive and social person. I guess some might think "why would you want to quit smoking weed then, if it's all been OK?". Well, there are quite a few reasons which I'll go into below. But before I do, I definitely want to show my appreciation for this forum.

Thanks to this forum

Over the last 10 years or so, I've stopped smoking a a few times, usually for a period ranging at the shortest for 3 months and at the longest for 6 months......but I've always managed to pull myself back in. That said, this forum has ALWAYS been my go to place when looking for a morale boost, to relate to others and to feel understood myself, and to read all of the great success stories that have been posted by people who've managed to successfully quit on here. It's been reading those posts and how upbeat and positive they get me feeling, that I thought I'd try doing it myself actually now that I've decided to quit for good. I also think that writing things down helps to almost make them more official in our minds, and can help us hold ourselves more accountable, especially when you know that others are following you on your journey too!

So why am I quitting now?

It's a combination of reasons really, and honestly is far overdue. Regardless of how many times I've told myself that smoking weed has been great because of all of the laughs and good times I had with friends, that only really applies to my younger years, say 18-24, since then it's mainly been habitual, mostly to help my incredibly overactive mind go to sleep and switch off each night. When i think about it, the biggest regret in my life is without a doubt that I even started in the first place!

You know how it goes, it very much ends up becoming a 'crutch' for us during stressful times, hard times, happy times - you name it! I'll bet I'm not alone when I say that as a smoker you'll always be able to conjure up a purpose, reason or occasion for getting high....we rationalise that it's required, or needed, or will enhance things for us, which to a small extent can be true (e.g. the effects on our bodies when our brains release dopamine, seratonin, endorphines etc) but the truth for me is simply - No, no I don't 'need' it, and I don't like the control that it's had over me.

The main reasons I'm quitting are:

1) I do not want to feel content at times in life when I shouldn't feel content. You know how it goes - got some jobs to do around the house? Feeling nervous or worried about an interview or opportunity? Feeling sad over the loss of someone or something? Get high and you'll feel fine, certainly more fine than you were. But thing is, I don't want to anymore, and I don't think it's healthy to live like that. We experience emotions and anxiety and worry naturally, and often for good reason. It's an evolutionary response that's designed to ensure we get things done that we know need doing, and we should feel a little uncomfortable until they are done! Well, I don't want to be able to be going through pretty much anything in life and tell myself that it's OK because I can always have a smoke. I want my mindframe to be "I can go through anything in life and it's OK because my wife, my friends and my family are there for me". I want the fact that I'm doing the right things in life to create natural feelings of contentment and to trigger my brain release those feel good chemicals, and not from a drug!

2) The way it can take a social butterfly, and turn them pretty antisocial. I always used to have such wide friendship circles and so many different type of people for friends. But again, you know how it goes, after a while you start passing up the opportunity to do activities and things or go to see friends or family, because you'd rather get high and play games or chill. You make excuses to get out of things when really it's just because you want to get high and experience how that feels. Well you know how this ends up? Eventually some of your friends simply stop inviting or asking you to join them, and as the years go by your friendship circle can get smaller and smaller. This is something I want to change too. I want to get back to how active and happy-go-lucky I used to be!

3) The cost - I've never been short of money and have always earned good salaries, but damn. I sat down the other day to work out how much I'll have spent over 15 years and I felt extremely angry with myself. I was nearly livid - how many holidays could I have treated the wife to? Nice things for the house, nice car, going more places and seeing more of the world.....all forsaken because what, I want to get high and game or chill? That's no way to experience life and I've had enough of it!

4) The health impacts. Yeeeeees yes I know. I COULD use a vape instead so it's not as bad for me. Tried that. Had a volcano vaporizer for a while that I barely used - it just didn't feel like the same, enjoyable experience as smoking a spliff did, and so I couldn't get into it. Yeeeeeeees yes, I've baked edibles using it too, lost count of how many brownies I've made over the years and actually they are pretty great, BUT, they are too hard to time unlike a pre-bedtime smoke, and don't give you the instant gratification smoking a joint (with tobacco) does. Anyway bottom line - I do not want my lungs or my body to suffer any more, whether this is lack of motivation to go to the gym because I'd rather get high, or the fact that essentially I'm deciding that "I'm ok with dying earlier than I should do and giving myself cancer which will deprive my loved ones of my presence earlier than should be the case"....and no, I'm not OK with that at all. I'm not in bad shape or anything, I'm 6,2" and have always been really sporty and fit, but hey im not getting any younger so I don't want to make maintaining that much harder than it should be!

5) Time to try for children. This is as it says, my wife and I are trying for children. We actually spent 14 months trying with no luck initially, until she managed to get pregnant earlier this year. Unfortunately we went through the horrible experience of a miscarriage at 12 weeks, which was really unexpected. Anyway, I don't care to make excuses anymore like "aaaah science hasn't yet REALLY proven weed is bad for sperm, there are articles to suggest it's good and bad etc etc" - my stance now has become "it's bloody common sense that shoving a drug into your body (especially with tobacco) IS obviously going to have detrimental effects, and even if it didn't, it's not worth the risk. I want to have a healthy child or two with my wife more than I want to get high.

6) Groggy feeling in the morning. I don't want to wake up feeling a little heavy-headed and groggy in the mornings after smoking/eating weed the night before. I want to wake up humming and singing like I used to, ready to take on whatever the damn day has to throw at me, and I don't mind if it's an early start. I want to be "up and at 'em" instead of clinging on to however extra minutes of a lie-in I can have from staying up getting high until 1,2,3am the night before.

7) I want control of my life back. Yeeeeeeh I know, I've been in control of my life this whole time. What I mean is, I want to be permanently free from the thinking voice in my head going "Now how might this inconvenience my ability to get high" as one of the first things I think when faced with something in life. Overnight hotel stay with work? Naaaah. Going away for a few days with the wife? Not unless I can smoke! BBQ or gathering around a friend or family members house? Naaah I'd rather get high. For those of you that have seen the Jim Carey film 'Yes Man' - smoking weed has turned me into a 'No Man'. Well, I want to becom a 'Yes Man' again. Someone that can seize opportunities by the cahones and take my wife on trips away, see the world, travel, whatever - ANYTHING but doing little and getting high in my spare time. Why should my wife get to miss out on opportunities because I'm a selfish b*****d that wants to smoke instead? When I have kids, why should they? Answer is - they shouldn't and I shouldn't. So be gone with you marijuana you foul demon, it's time to exorcise you from my life!

8) There are a load of other reasons too really, I could go on but I won't. Maybe if people reply to this thread we'll end up talking more about things but yeh, I'll be here for hours otherwise and I'm already aware of the 'dissertation-like' length of this post already!

[Mast3rl3ss]

PART 2:

So - which tactics do I have to quit? What's the arsenal of weaponry I'm deploying to combat the urges!?

Oh boy am I coming prepared this time. In fact some of these tips are things I picked up from this exact forum over the years, as each time I've quit before for a while I used this forum to help. My list of prep for this time has been:

1) Get an exercise bike for home (stupid COVID-19 lockdown world) so that I can workout whenever I like.
2) Download a Performance app on my phone - it's a really awesome little app that allows you to set daily/weekly/whatever habits and challenges for yourself, and you earn medals and things as you go. It also pops up to remind you about things if you'd like it to, and really helps to give you a sense of achievement when you manage to build up streaks of sticking to your habits in a row.
3) My wife got me a Playstation 4 for my birthday and as excited as I am to play it, I have banned myself from touching it until I have been smoke free for 2 weeks!
4) Marijuana Brownies - I don't fancy going cold turkey as I've some important projects on at work currently and the lack of sleep, sweats and wealth of other symptoms I would have cold turkey from would affect me too badly right now. I have instead made 14 brownies, which I aim to take a couple of hours before bed for a couple of weeks, giving me time to form good habits and most importantly, NOT SMOKE. Once I run out of brownies, THEN the cold turkey begins.
5) Posting on this forum - I want to feel accountable, but I'd also like to feel at home, among friends and peers who have gone through this journey, or who are doing so, or who failed or haven't even started yet. The community side of it is a real boost.
6) INOSITOL POWDER - This absolute gem was something I first saw suggested in this forum maybe 6 or so years ago. My god. It has definitely proven to be one of THE best supplements available when going through something that can make you anxious or cause physical symptoms. In fact I was really amused recently to find out that in Hollywood films, when we see an actor sniffing cocaine, it is actually Inositol powder. There are so many health benefits, physical and mental that this comes with and I would recommend it to anyone here when quitting and looking to help reduce the withdrawal symptoms.
7) Writing a letter to myself - I sat down and wrote a letter to my future self, who might be tempted to be weak and give up and go back to smoking. Each time I've tried to stop smoking the last year - I have failed. I have ALWAYS talked myself back into it again, and used my gift of the gab to essentially manipulate my wife and myself actually into being OK with it. "It'll only be before bedtime. It'll only be after 9pm. it'll only be after 7pm. It'll only be when I have no chores or jobs to do yadda yadda yadda. I wanted to think ahead and cut off any rationalization my future self would come up with, because whilst my wife and other people might not ever be able to say enough to stop me smoking again when I start to rationalize why it's OK for me to go back to it, I can bloody well argue with a convince myself. And of course the best time to do that is to have written the letter before I have stopped when I am feeling no panic inside, no desperation to do or say anything I can to go and buy some weed. The letter is literally a list of "things you will say to convince yourself that it's OK to smoke again", and then multiple counter arguments to every single things I might say.
8) PokemonGo - Huh? A Pokemon game? What's that got to do with smoking weed or not!? Well, it's a phone app game that encourages people to get out there and do plenty of walking, whilst meeting other people doing the same thing. I'm a big kid at heart and already had the game anyway, just hadn't touched it for a few years. So last weekend I fired it up again and preparation for today and now voila - whenever I feel an urge to smoke I can go out, get some fresh air and walk around catching fictional characters on my phone lol.
9) A luke warm bath/shower before bed. Just so relaxing and helps make me sleepy. Not too hot otherwise I'll be too hot for bed, and not too cold otherwise it's just not relaxing!
10) A bottle of Disaronno, that I will have in a glass shortly before bed with a single ice cube. Yeeh I know it's a kind of replacement therapy - replace one drug with another, but to be honest if it helps set me free of smoking 3-6 spliffs everyday, I'll take it! I can worry about this later and besides, I have never ever been a big drinker. In fact I rarely ever even get drunk, so I trust myself with this (which is the most important part).
11) White tea, multivitamin tablets, at least 8 pints of water a day and healthy food. You know what they say - the body is a temple, and over the last 15 years my temple has been more like stoner's circle at Glastonbury than a Shaolin temple - and this needs to change!
12) My favourite phrase of all time. I saw this once on this forum, years ago when i quit for a few months. One is too many, a thousand is never enough. That really resonates with me, especially given each time I've quite in the past I've slowly started again, first with just allowing myself 1 smoke directly before bed, until i spirals and goes back to what it always was before. I've been debating whether to have that phrase or some sort of graphic representing it tattooed somewhere on me. Think I'll save that until I've hit a good length of time clean, maybe 1 year or something? Can cross that bridge when I come to it, for now, just chanting this phrase in my head like a priest trying to exorcise a demonic spirit when the cravings kick in will do!
13) Earlier bedtimes - I usually go to bed at around 1am on weekdays and as late as 3am-4am some weekends. The fact my wife goes to bed at much earlier times (like 10:30pm in the week and same at weekends really) means we miss out on some intimacy time (not sex per se, just closeness really), and I've realised that's been so I can usually have some time to myself to chill and get high after she goes to bed. Figured I'll try going to bed the same time as her and then just read a book or whatever when she's asleep until I get tired.
14) Reading lots of inspiring posts on this forum made by other people. This is such a huge boost to morale and motivation I think.
15) 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months. Picked this up off this forums years ago also - These are the milestones that I make particularly sure to feel good about myself on, as I've often read the hardest part is the first 3 days, then getting to the third week, and finally the 3rd month which is when the drug has usually left our bodies by.

Aaaaaanyways I have rambled on for far too long now. Just thought I'd post for the first time here after always being on the sidelines and reading other people's posts to date, and I plan on dropping in regularly with updates. Hopefully someone will respond at some point, no problem if not at all as I'll keep leaving posts like a bit of a diary, but just know I'm always happy to talk and support others too!

Having quit cold turkey several times in the past for months each time, I'm also quite familiar with withdrawal effects etc. so if anyone wants to share or talk or anything then please feel free, it'd be nice to meet you!

I would say good luck to anyone reading this, but the truth is that luck doesn't come into it. This is good old fashioned self discipline and mental fortitude, combined with an ability to take each day as it comes, and rather than luck I sincerely wish you all, all of the mental strength, support and resilience that you need on your road to quitting in order to get to where you want to be. It IS possible, it IS achievable, you ARE strong enough to do it and to stick to it and YES, it IS the right thing to do for whatever your own reasons are.

Stay well and stay healthy all, speak soon!

Day 1, 8pm - signing off for now!

[Mast3rl3ss]

Day 4

Morning all! It's 9:45am on day 4 and just thought I'd drop in to post an update.

Obviously I appreciate that I have not yet 'quit' marijuana with me having a brownie at 8pm each evening, but in terms of breaking the actual habit of smoking it's going really quite well.

My usual routine most days would be to have a joint just after a finish work at 5, possibly another one before 8pm when we usually have dinner, another one after dinner, another one around 10pm and then finally 2 in a row before bed. This was the first habitual routine that I want to force my brain to break. Admittedly I did have a cigarette before bed on 2 out of the 3 nights (my vape just wasn't proving enough), but I'll take 1 small cigarette per day over 5-6 joints any day!

My mood and how I feel had been pretty good, but I've been sure to keep myself busy.

There is one thought that I'm struggling with though and it's one that's always crept up on me each time I've quite for a while in the past, and that thought is "But.....but when will you get to taste a joint again!/ This can't be forever, try and rationalise that it will be ok for you to smoke it only for a week at Christmas, or after you've stopped for 3 months let yourself have a taste of it then".

It's that sort of scary, daunting sort of "Oh maaaaan, this can't be forever, it can't be FOREVER that you're quitting for right? You have to let yourself try it every now and again" - and I'm having some difficulties shaking these sorts of thoughts.

I deliberately made enough brownies to last me 1-2 weeks depending on whether I have 1 or 2 each day, and their purpose is to help me get to sleep, not so I can just feel high during the day/evening.

Once i run out of brownies obviously the hardest part begins (Oh yeeeeeey, bring on the constant sweating, craziest dreams ever, inability to get to sleep so 3-4 hours of browsing wikipedia each night trying to get drowzy, short temper and irritability with the wife etc), BUT, at least by that point I'll have gone 1-2 weeks having broken my smoking routine, and 1-2 weeks where I'm mentally gearing myself up.

If anyone else reading this has those sort of "Well I'm quitting....but erm....I don't want to consider it a forever thing...I can trust myself to only buy 3.5g every 3-6 months but ONLY once I've been clean for at least 3 months" - what do you tell yourself to help get rid of those thoughts?

I'm trying to repeat "1 is too many, a thousand is never enough" in my head to tell me that if I try and do that I'll get sucked back in again, but it's hard to ensure that thought isn't overruled by my trying to rationalise that i can still smoke every now and again.

Hope your journeys are all going well! Stay safe and healthy!

[gateway loiterer]

Staring down the barrel of 'forever'

Hello Mats3rl3ss -
Thank you for your detailed description of your journey thus far! Your frankness is refreshing and I, along with others, are here cheering you on. I am 6 months into my own sobriety, with my first (and hopefully last!) attempt at quitting weed began after a 20+ year addiction.
You seem to have your act together in tackling this, and I commend you on weaning off rather than going cold turkey. It seems to be the more practical path. I hope the brownies work as a kind buffer into what will be a new life.
The only suggestion I can humbly provide, with a 6 month clean perspective, is to not think of this in such black and white terms. Which means, allow yourself to think that maybe sometime in the future you can access weed on a more healthier basis, but for now, you choose to abstain. For me, when I first quit, the times I nearly went back were when thinking how daunting the idea of FOREVER without my green pal would be. In hindsight, I should have allowed my thoughts to accept that maybe I could reintroduce myself to it again someday, BUT JUST NOT NOW.
We're trying to retrain our brains at this time, and in some cases, actually lying to it. This might be something you can lie to your brain about: "Yeah, maybe someday I can/will go back and I'll have a normal relationship with it like most other social smokers."
And as time goes on, and you put some hard days/weeks/months behind you, you can really assess what weed has done to your life and realize where it stands in your future. But to ask yourself to envision a future without it right now could be dangerous and trigger a spontaneous relapse. As you're just learning to walk again with your sober legs, the old adage really applies: one day at a time.
Just my two cents, but I genuinely wish you strength in this journey ahead. We're rooting for you!

[Mast3rl3ss]

Day 6 Update

Hi Gateway Loiterer and thanks so much for your response! Congratulations on the 6 months - that's a superb milestone and you should be really proud of that.

I have to say, reading your post most definitely got rid of the feelings of panic I was kind of having (which was definitely due to such black/white thinking about NEVER, EVER touching the stuff again), and was a really enlightening post to read actually.

I remember a few years ago when I quit for 4 months, I decided to allow myself a treat (buying an 8th to only be smoked Friday/Saturday nights when I don't have work the following day), and it worked for maybe the first 2 weekends and then it slowly started becoming more regular.

Admittedly I was at a different stage in life then and was a bit younger (25 rather than 34, not married, not trying for kids etc.), and was most definitely more immature and less wise to the ways of the world, and I am hoping that now I'm older and wiser and have different 'wants and needs' from life, whether I actually can get to a point where i could literally buy an 8th, smoke it, and then not feel the need to buy another for at least say, 6 months after that.

That's the hard question that seems difficult to answer - at what point of being clean would you actually be able to trust yourself to stick to just treating yourself every 6 months or so? Is there ever that point or would it always result in going back to being a full time smoker?

If anyone happens to read this post who have successfully quit for a long period, and managed to then ONLY smoke it once in a blue moon as a bit of a treat, I would honestly love to hear how you achieved that - what did you tell yourself? How did you form your self discipline in order to stick to it?

Thanks again for taking the time to reply, you've no idea how much it has helped my mentality actually. Especially today, which is the first weekend day so far that I am not smoking for in years and it's been tough. I did randomly get a bit upset earlier and shed a tear or two, couldn't really even attribute a 'why' as to why it happened, but i just took myself in front of the SAD lamp for 45 minutes and sat down to tell the wife about how bad I was feeling to get it off my chest and I felt much better.

The main thing she will never be able to offer on this journey though is relating to how you feel when quitting (she's never smoked at all, cigarettes nor weed), which sometimes means I feel kind of alone on this journey - until I remember of course that there is this forum with many folks who've gone down this road. Something I'm very thankful for!

[Mast3rl3ss]

Day 8 update

Hi anyone that reads this, and I hope your journey to retirement (or semi retirement) is going well!

I have to say, making those brownies and using them a couple of hours before bed each night the last week worked really well. It has definitely already helped me to not associate things with smoking (gaming, listening to music, watching a film etc.), and has eased me out of smoking joints quite nicely.

Nothing drastic to report in the way of feeling too bad thus far, but then again today (I'm about to go to bed in a second, just past midnight) has been the first day without any cannabis at all, so obviously the real struggle begins from here on out really.

Having gotten used to not smoking the last week has meant that I actually didn't think about smoking at all during my work hours of 9-5, and as soon as I finished work I went on the exercise bike at home, did some planking (started off at 30 seconds and have increased the planking duration by 5 seconds each week - up to 6 minutes 5 seconds now!), took a shower, had some food, watched a single 1 hour episode of tv with the wife and then at 8:30pm started gaming with friends until just now at midnight.

Keeping my mind so busy has certainly helped, and I have definitely noticed that on the occasions where my friends aren't around to game and I don't have that constant stimulation keeping me busy, I do start to feel the urge to smoke kicking in. Had it quite strongly after I got out of the shower actually but decided to give myself a pep talk out loud, as though I was talking to another person lol. Just saying out loud the reasons why I'm quitting and how great it will feel to have control back over my own free will and to have real emotions back rather than feeling content all of the time.

I suspect within the next 48 hours the horrible night sweats will start, then the next few days after that will come the crazy dreams and lack of good sleep which brings irritability.

This might be coincidence but the last couple of times I've quit for a few months, during both times it got to a point where I had a dream where in the dream I would somehow have some cannabis on me, and I remember in the dreams feeling like I wanted to have it but then me deciding NOT to take it in the dreams because of how guilty I would feel after building up a streak of days without it. I think that's a great point to get to, when even in a dream you say no to smoking on the basis that you'd feel guilty, disappointed and would lose the proud feeling you get after time away from it.

I mean hell, I've only not smoked it now for 8 days, and 7 of those days I had a marijuana brownie so I probably shouldn't really feel too pleased or proud, but I actually do! After 15-16 years of daily smoking (other than the breaks of a few months I took a couple of times), for me to have gone 8 days without a smoke really does make me feel good about myself.

Each day at the moment it's just "one day at a time, just focus on the one day and before you know it many days will have gone past".

Anyways I'd better go and try to sleep in case it takes a while! Last thing I need on a work night is one of those quitting nights where I end up spending hours on wikipedia reading up on all sorts of random stuff (last time I quit I went off on so many wikipedia tangents, starting with every single mass extinction event that's occurred on earth right the way through to reading about insects in the UK hahaha.

if you are reading this and near the start of your journey too - stay strong, you got this, and that's the best part about it. YOU have got this. Not the weed, not any drug - you, yourself and your inner strength and I wish you the best!

[Mast3rl3ss]

Day 12 Update

Hi fellow quitters and hiatus takers!

So I'm not gonna lie, after feeling really good about things when making my day 8 update, things have certainly been a hell of a lot more difficult since!

Some the of the latest (and expected_ challenges I've been having are:

Hot flushes - This may sound counter intuitive but when I've been having hot flushes and sweating a lot, I actually run a really hot bath, put some classical music on, take my favourite drink (Amaretto and coke with ice) and sit back and relax, picturing all of the sweat that's coming out of me containing toxins from cannabis that my body is now trying to get rid off. I'd say it's essential to make sure you're getting as much water as possible during these periods so as to not end up dehydrated and make the potential headaches that can also be a symptom, be any worse.

It may even be that because we sweat so much and suffer from dehydration, that's the cause of headaches potentially more so than the withdrawal itself is.

Terrible Sleep - This is kind of weird, I'm actually managing to get to sleep pretty much fine each night (albeit I have been staying up much later to make sure that's the case - usually 2am ish), and this is something I didn't expect. However I've been waking up very regularly throughout the night, tossing and turning and sweating a bit and even on the odd night that hasn't happened so much, I've been waking up most morning feeling as though I haven't even slept. I can't wait until this phase is over! To mitigate this I've been washing and changing the bed clothes regularly (I love the smell of freshly washed and dried bed sheets, pillows etc) and taking the odd nap in the day for 30 minutes. I think it's essential when we're going through this that we give ourselves as many psychological advantages as we possibly can, and at least seize some elements that CAN be within our control.

And finally, the worst one so far which I'm struggling to deal with the most - Depersonalization. This has only started today, and I can only describe it as feeling as though I'm on the outside watching myself, but without actually feeling like myself at all. I've been pacing a lot, find it incredibly hard to concentrate on anything for longer than a couple of minutes, my thoughts are racing and there's this underlying feeling of great 'unease' about me. In order to combat this, I am using my competitive personality against myself haha. What I mean by that is that I'm sort of going "Nooooooo no no no mind, f**k you and f**k off, I know what you're trying to do here, you are trying to force me to feel uneasy and make me turn back to cannabis to solve that feeling of unease, and that just isn't happening. I, the GOOD side of me that wants to be free of the hold you have over me, will not let that devil on my shoulder have the satisfaction of making me smoke again. You have no right to be trying to force me to do the wrong and you WILL NOT WIN" (imagine the part of Lord of the Rings film where Gandalf shouts to the Balrog "YOU SHALL NOT PAAAAAAAAASS". I'm pretty sure that's why I'm suffering from depersonalization, I am having to separate my own mind from my own emotions - and there's a battle going on inside of me which is logic versus emotion. Emotion wants me to smoke at the moment and logic absolutely will not tolerate that, and that in turn creates a lot of internal conflict.

I think that it's ever so important for us to realise that we CAN deal with ANYTHING that crops up when we're quitting, there are always psychological tricks we can deploy to beat our own mentalities.

As I know my psychology quite well, honestly, if anyone reading this ever wants to reach out and ask me for any tips or help then feel free. This forum does not seem to be very active at the moment and that in itself can kind of be a little demoralizing - often feels like I'm just writing to myself here which hey, I don't mind, it's like a diary. Plus I've had so much help looking back over years worth of posts here that if my posting helps only a single person, years from now, then that makes me feel happy!

All the best everyone and I'll post another update again soon.

Day 5 of no cannabis ingestion whatsoever, day 12 of no smoking cannabis at all. Signing off :-)

[gateway loiterer]

Hey Mast3rl3ss - Thanks for keeping such a detailed account of your journey and struggles. I wish I had this to read when I first quit (although I'm not that far ahead, only 6 months). This is the hardest time, as I'm sure you know. Keep it up, we're cheering you on daily!

[Mast3rl3ss]

Day 20 Update

Well howdy there folks! I hope you’re all doing well during these tough lockdown times!

Gateway Loiterer - thanks for your responses, they’re honestly really appreciated and it certainly helps to motivate me knowing my posts resonate something to at least 1 person out there :-).

Well, this last week has been an adventure! After the first 2 weeks of awful, AWFUL sleep and feeling absolutely broken some days, I’ve finally been managing to get a few good nights sleep!

The one thing that’s really puzzling me is the fact that by now I’ve usually ALWAYS had the hot flushes and the sweats really badly, especially during the night, but for some reason I’ve barely had that this time (which hey, I’ll take that!). Maybe they’re still to come, but I often think a big part of getting those is related to anxiety and after the second week I really haven’t been feeling much anxiety at all!

One horrible thing did happen to me 6 days ago, on Sunday 8th me and the wife went for an afternoon walk to get some fresh air and keep my mind busy, but I had this huge wave of nausea come over me just before we left the house. I thought it would go away during the drive there but no, it actually got much worse when we started walking. The only way I can describe it was like a time a got really bad sea sickness, during the walk i had to really focus on my breathing to try and stave off feelings of sickness (which was completely in my head rather than in my stomach). I got a bit of dizziness with it too and felt almost like my eyes couldn’t focus on anything properly.

I decided to get some sugary drinks (Ribena) from a nearby shop and necked it as fast as I could in case it was blood sugar related - seemed to do the trick!

My FAVOURITE part of this last week is the part I’ve been really looking forward to - DREAMING AGAIN! Whoop! I love dreaming and honestly missed it a lot when smoking. My god have I been on some crazy adventures in my dreams haha! With my subconscious being able to maintain itself and do some housekeeping via dreaming, I’ve been waking up feeling much more refreshed and ready to take on the world!

I am certainly finding this time much easier to quit than I did the last couple of times over the last 15 years when I tried them, but I think that’s more to do with where I am in life now really.

For anyone reading this, I cannot stress this next point enough -

WHEN IT COMES TO QUITTING SMOKING, THE ANTICIPATION OF IT IS FAR WORSE THAN THE ACT ITSELF.

I’ve been putting it off and off and off “it’s too hard, I’m not ready, I need to sleep, I don’t want my work to suffer, is it really so bad, I’m scared” - and it turns out, as always, the hardest step is DAY 1!

Generate some pride from achieving that, and then ride that pride everyday you stay sober for!

All the best everyone! Peace!

[Cannabis Rehab Guest]

this is very helpful

Thanks man, it's very helpful to read such a detailed experience, thanks a lot.
I'm 25 and constantly smoking since i was 16, I almost don't know what a clear sober mind feels like, plus I've always had very low self esteem, I isolate myself and get depressed very easely, I've realized weed it's not helping me and i want to stop being addicted from it, it's just making me accept my miserable state.
I dont' necessarily want to quit forever, but i HAVE to be in control in order to be able to smoke again.
I went from smoking 6-7 joints a day to a couple of puffs in the middle of the day and before to sleep in the last 2 days, today I've been sober and not going to smoke tonight, already feel emotional waves but for the first time in years I really feel I want to make a change, i can't possibly go thru life like that.
How are things going for you now, hope it's all good man and thanks again

[withdub]

following

Dear Mast3rl3ss,

I want to deeply thank you for taking the time to write these posts. I've been a smoker for the last 10 years, more heavy the last three of four years, and have barely been able to start day one of sobriety. Cold turkey really isn't for me. I've switched to vapes this year and am tapering off slowly... my doctor thinks I've either given myself gastritis or Cannabinoid Hyperemesiss Syndrome (waiting on the endoscope appointment). Pretty much when I've tried stopping or tried missing my lunch time smoke, extreme abdomen pain and fevers come on. Also, the gastritis may have caused an ulcer/hole in my intestines causing blood loss, so I'm also anemic because of it too. I've reached the point where I've had to quit my job because everyday I don't know if it'll be a good day or a bad day. I'm also suffering from agoraphobia, courtesy from being attacked at the front of my house one year ago today, and having spent two months at home from a broken finger because of the attack, including an additional 7 month covid lock down in Melbourne. I've never been more stressed in all my life, and I've never been more scared. All of this has come up at a time when I actually want to quit as well, but my mental and physical health is making it so difficut. And my anxiety from my agoraphobia is scaring the shit out of me.

I've found your posts helpful and reassuring though. Its reminded me of the control I have over my situation. For a while now I think I've let my depression and poor health determine my emotions, I've been dwelling and feeling a little helpless. I like that you've been talking to yourself though, something I used to do but I've forgotten. Following your journey and seeing someone else struggle yet still getting on with a positive, determined attitude reminds me that I also have the same ability.

So again, thank you for sharing. I hope to hear more!