I just turned 40 and it's just not cool anymore. I don't know what I was waiting to happen in my life, but i'm pretty sure when it did, I was out the back smoking a doob.

I still love weed. Of course I do. Who would consistently do something for so long if they didn't love it? But it's been holding me back, for ****ing years, and I've always know that.

Weed makes you dream big, I have cool thoughts all the time, but my actual world? Is quite small. I have just spent too much time playing computer games and getting nothing back. If I don't make a change soon, I'm going to be a 50yr old guy smoking weed all the time, still talking about his dreams, with NOTHING to show for it. And that just seems so sad.

I really want to do something with my life before it's too late. Because we don't have forever. I probably have 25years more to do something, but only if I start now. I mean, what am I waiting for?

I've had decent periods of sobriety over the years so I know what to expect. The worst thing about stopping is everything feels so boring for a while afterwards. Also there's a constant mental nagging to maybe just try a little, maybe this time will be different, that kind of stuff. And that takes energy to resist.

When it comes down to it, I've been getting high or drunk for 25 years now and it hasn't really helped me out. I DID almost die more than once from acute alcohol ingestion, and I also feel like I've wasted almost a decade of my life on weed. I know I would have a very different skill set and bunch of life experiences now, if I'd never gotten into it. Honestly I wish I'd never tried it. I would make a lot of decisions differently if I had my time again. Basically since I got into drugs and alcohol, I've always been looking for opportunities to do drugs and alcohol. Which has meant always taking the easy path through life.

I've got to get my shit together and start DOING things and LIVING A LIFE. I'd rather be a straight 40 year old than a perpetually stoned man child who can barely communicate from under the weed fog.