a postcard after 4 weeks to me

[needabreak]

5 weeks potfree just started for me one hour ago and i need to leave my self a reminder-my brain has rewrote the rules for life and its way off the mark-i just realised about 3 hours ago that maybe i'm addicted to pot and that it was screwing up my life-that sounds strange but its a marker of wer my head's at-until i stopped this time i was smoking 20 joints a day every day-i mean i'm overkill wen it comes to bad habits-i'm lucky heroin wasnt that available wer i live in 90s-coke hit at the stage wen i knew i was fu'ckd anyway-so luckily i was too screwd up to ruin myself with that-

remember back-going out to the bridge to get smoke-on my own-living my life cut off from the world-people close to me said they couldnt relate to me-no wonder-i was messed-still am-think about ur sons-they'r like me-sooner or later they are gone say-da-fu'ck off-ur mixed up and mental-live like dracula in a darkend world and ur only bit of pleasure's gona b with urself-u know it-think of all those days in with the curtains pulled and kettle continuing to boil-smoke smoke smoke-u c ur boys half the week-that leaves me to spend the rest of the week with me-and i aint much fun-sitting in praying for rain so i can hide behind my hood-hating the brightness of the sun-wat a way to live-that aint no way to live-

its taken 4 full weeks to accept that i'v a problem-wen i stoppd it was as the name suggests-a time for a break-but ther's more to it than that-this is a bigger issue than i thought-think about it-wat has changed in the last 4 weeks-not much except that i aint been smoking and so i'm cleaning out my system-its an example of how deeply ingrained drugs hav got into my system-i was filled to the gills with pot-right into my bone marrow-my head's a bit mad yet-i go nower-well i go places but i pray for rain yet so that noone else will be there-i go to empty places cause i dont need people to see my long face and even think ther's something wrong-ther is something wrong-i'v taken all the good out of life and replaced it with depression-i dont know if its the drugs or the world or me-the name needabreak might have to change to needtostopforeverbeforeicantpullbackfrombeingmad-my dreams have come back but not too much-i am healthier but i know i'v a long while to go yet-

too many times life was concealed behind being stoned-living a life stoned 100% of the time gets too much-i need to keep going on this trail-i need to take my oil-i need to know that the only option that i have open to me is to continue to stay pot free-and now that i can see that i'v worked my brain into a stoner recptor nonparadise and has to be slowly changed around-it will take time-i just dont know how much time-its okay to have a bad day-someone who hasnt smoked themselves into this state might find it hard to understand-how can i explain it to me-no life no joy no fun no hope-no wishes no dreams-now i know that in the last 4 weeks i'v laughed more than the year b4 that-i know it now-u have laughed-but that cloud has to be dispersed-i need to find the method to get that cloud to lift-from tomorrow wen the black mist descends i'm going to work out-get some andrenaline pumping and see if that works-this letting urself get low cant go on-i need to take it by the scruff of the neck and try a bit harder-

bring on the next 4 weeks-it will get better-its up to me to sort it-its up 2 me to work more at fixing me-i'v got too many false highs in th past-its as if i'v used up my fair share of life's highs and have now left myself with none-but i know that aint the way life works-dont worry it will get better-4 weeks is a short time-but think back to not being able to stop smokin pot for a day-4 weeks is an achievment-i can do it-i will do it-

[Drug Rehab Chick]

4 weeks is an amazing milestone...I hope you are proud of urself...that in itself is a good enough reason to hold your head high. I cried when I read your post...you sound so desolate...so isolated. I feel you mate and I feel 4 u. I really really do. Thankyou for being so candid about whats going on...that takes guts whether you think that about yourself or not. Ur being very hard on yourself in my opinion. But you're rite about getting out and dealing. I know what its like to separate urself from people...to not want people to see your pain and ur struggle..I'm still there a bit, which is y I'm seeing a drug psychologist... but I finally realised that I need to get a grip and truly b in control..and the thing is mate, that even tho u don't feel that way now, you are in control...u have been in control 4 4 whole weeks...I'm sure others will agree that that is just awesome and something a lot of us aspire to and haven't reached yet. Maybe part of the reason for you being so down is cos that last delusion...the one about just needing a break...has been stripped away, so even tho u'v been clean for 4 weeks, that whole "I really am an addict and in big trouble" thing is new?...it can be a huge smack in the face. Nothing like that stark reality check to not only bring u back down to earth, but to make you drown in self recriminations and guilt and hopelessness. BUT luckily for you, this cannabis rehab site is also a reality check...we're all just so proud of u...personally I admire you a lot and so do lots of others...So ur not alone mate. Ur never alone. Remember that always and keep going...you WILL succeed...your sons love you and without being stoned, you'll have the capacity to have a real relationship with them...and with yourself for that matter....I don't want to preach at you, but I really hope you can let the fact that it won't be like this forever penetrate thru the darkness. There is light. There is hope. You are well on ur way to both. Congratulations on your acheivement. Truly a great accomplishment....yay u....sending you positive thoughts and wishes for happiness and wholeness...all the best mate...we are so behind you...Hippychick.

[needabreak]

and the answer is................

i thought about this post all day and thought and thought and thought-and believe it or not i think i found one answer to wat's going on-a mate said it a long time ago and i'm glad that it has finally drifted to the top of my brain-wen one is a stoner ther is only one issue-getting stoned-thinking about how much pot i have and wen i'm getting the next bit-my policy as a smoker was always have the nxt bit ready b4 the last bit's done-wen half ounces are 25quid and can be delivered to ur door then its so easy to be a stoner-sometimes it was more difficult to get papers than pot!life was an endless smoke and not much else-i stopped football, camping, hillwalking, smiling,living-all the good stuff for a life of monotony-same sh'it different day a guy said to me one day-he didnt know the half of it-or maybe he did-

so now i have to be honest with me-and face my thing-i'm lazy-i dont push myself enough-wen one spends one's whole time stoned then i dont care about anything-nothing means anything-one time a major natural disaster happened on the other side of the world and i didnt hear about it for 4 days-but now that i'm sober all the things i shoulda/coulda done slap me up th face-if i go back to pot then i know wats not getting done-everything-these thoughts are mainly for me-i need to know wer i am at so that i'v got a starting point-sometimes i only focus on the negative-would u believe that i been to best university in my country twice-have loads of good good lifelong friends from everywer i go-i been married-owned my own house-have two brilliant sons who i'm so close to-my older guy is 12 going on 20-and thats my fault-i was in the middle of my rut wen he was in his years wer he need a positive example of how to handle the world-my sh'it messed up his sh'it-i know it-and i'm going to change that around-i cant wait to hold him2moro wen i see him-he means so much to me and these 4 weeks have given me the sight to see wer i have been-my other son is 10 and he just thinks the sun shines out of my arsen venger-i have to change things for me-for them-for everyone-my mother probably pulled her hair out worrying about me and never ever said-i know wat i have to do-

i have to accept that i cant change my entire world in a short space of time-but that it will take time-thanks for ur support dudes-it means a lot-it means a lot to know that others are in the same boat as me-i can get free-u can get free-i need to accept wats wrong and fix it-i cant fix it til i accept it-

and another thing...........

one thing i'll add to getting threw ur week-find something that can make u forget about everything, even if its for just one hour a week-for me its soccer-i played to night and wen i play football i forget about everything-how many goals did i score-i cant remember-my focus for that hour is second by second-follow the ball and try ur best-watever works for u do it-its so importamnt to have that release-it works for me dudes so does coming on here and typing my thoughts-if i flooded it all out now to those that are close to me it might overwhelm them-they'll hear it in time-wen the time's right-

add on-just saw ur message hippychick-cheers dude-and ur right-it was a slap in th face that was well overdue-if i'd a doublejointed leg my ar'se would be so kicked!

[needabreak]

acceptance......sort of

next week it'll be a month off the pot-i'v realised a few things-;learned afew things-and apart from having a few joints one night wi a few good pals i aint smoked any pot at all-but its not about countin days-because i smoked myself into a corner and couldnt see the away out i can see and feel the improvements i'v made-

but the saddicted mind is a very strange place-over the years i'v tried enough drugs to show me parts of my brain that i wouldnt have seen-seen things that opened my eyes-anyone ever take drugs that can make them see in the dark-i mean like a computer image made up of lines and curves-straight lines like in a 3-d computer program-thats something to see and an example of knowin wat this brain can see-

the addicted brain is sumat i been thinkin about-the 5 step rehabilitation process of denial, anger,etc-cant even think of them all now but that aint the point-now that i realised that i was addicted to pot i'm startn to think "am i really?"-my brain's playing tricks on me-i'm asking my self can a person be addicted to pot-does it have that nicotine factor that i know exists-i'v been reassurring myself about my past-it was a bad habit-a time filler-something that i just got into-thinkin "no i'm not really addicted-i just got reliant on the psychological security of being stoned"-its not the chemicals that my brain is addicted to-it is the whole thing-the security-the safety of doing my own thing-thinkin i feel bad cause of other stuff in my life-it's not working out as it should be-sort out the problems and all will be forgiven with pot and i can proceed as a normal human being and have a smoke-sure i would then smoke less-i wouldnt let it get to the point wer it was b4-sure i can learn from the position above that i smoked myself into and come out the other end better, refreshed, a new me, everything bein okay, -able to smoke and live my life for me and those around me-fulfil my dreams and be a complete person, bla bla bla-

what a load of bollox-i need to look my self straight in the eye and say-hey you, out ther on ur own.....most smokers know that tune-comfortably numb-days gone by wen the video was on we used to make sure the joints wer skinned for that song-sure u couldnt enjoy it wiout gettn stoned-now i'v realised wat the song means-the song aint for drugs-its explainin wat drugs can do 2 a person-enable one to shut the world out-roger waters might go on like a nob but he knew wat it was like to fu'ck ursel up wi drugs-and so do i-

to do list-get my head round the fact that pot has changed me for the worse-accept that i'm addicted-know that if i start smokin pot again i'll take a nose dive back to all that sh'it in no time-this is the part that i'm tryen to come to terms with-no more pot ever-that is that-i know i'm not smokn pot today and for now that'll have to suffice-i cant say any further than that-thats 2 far ahead-there are so many people i cant see for now-i wont even have to say to them-they know-addicted people dont talk about the addiction-but deep down everyone knows its ther-so many places i have to stay away from-if i'm in the wriong place at the wrong time i might get stoned-and i cant get stoned once and leave it-if i pretend that i can then it'll start all over again-and ther aint no age limit on screwing ur head and life up-they say stoppin an addiction means a person will go thro various stages-the toughest thing about drugs is u can go thro all them emotions at th same time-in th same hour-good one day-**** the nxt-and up and down and round and round-someone said to me it takes a month for pot to leave my system-i dont know about that time scale-i know i'm just startn to see things clearer and its been a month-only a month-in the space of a lifetime a month aint much-more time's needed to get my head together-thats for sure-anger!!!the mixd up irrational emotional rollercoaster ride of tryin to get a clear head-regret?regret is ****! enough of that-lets start lookn forward-

a month ago i was in a corner-if i didnt have sons i'd probably be dead-enough is enough-no matter how hard it gets this exstoner's comin out fightin-and wi one night smokin a few joints out of month i'm winnin-that night taught me i have to stay away from my smoker pals for a while-thats life for now-so now after a month ther's anger, acceptance, foolish attempted bargaining, happiness, sadness, personal realisations-all over th place-lets see if this is any more settled in another month dude-

and finally have a bit of black sabbath-dont live for pleasure, make life ur treasure-no matter how hard it gets-and it will-i'm makin th right choice-so take my oil and get on wi it-at least this month ther's hope for tomoro-

[Drug Rehab Chick]

Hi

I read ur post and this saying came into my head...it just landed there, so I'm sharing it with u cos its a really good reminder of how things are..

"Yesterdays history...Tomorrow's a mystery..But Today is a gift...thats why its called the present".

Enough Said.

[Cannabis Rehab Admin]

It sounds like you are doing really well needabreak, well done on everything you have achieved so far. It can be a bit of a emotional rollercoaster, but it sounds like you are handling it really well.