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Thread: My Story so far

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    2

    Default My Story so far

    I came across CannabisRehab.org as I was looking for information about kicking this addiction that I have to weed. I don;t have anyone close to me that I can talk to about this as I have somehow over the course of my use have kept it secret from those closest to me, or alienated them completely when they showed concern for me.
    So please if you don't mind me sharing as I do not have anyone else but strangers to talk to

    I do not remember a time in my life that I did not know what the drug was, I think I was about 10 when I learned to grow it (my mother thought that was important for me to know) and moving on to when i was about 14 mother dearest would leave me with an epic 5 paper joint to see me through the days that she would disappear for. But I did not like it and used to sell it to the kids at school for food money. I think it is a fair assumption that I did not have a good upbringing lol
    But my mothers use taught me more that I knew, I saw what it did to friends, family (my sister and mother have not spoken for 20 years over a $25 the drug deal) and most importantly I saw what it did to mother. So I refused to touch it
    Fast forward 15 years and after diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety (medicated for) many struggles and a lot of determination I made something of myself and became quite successful, I had a great network of friends, I had a deposit for my home, I was back inn touch with some of my family again, I had my daughter and I was happy and had reached every goal I set for myself, the world was my oyster! But one day I received a phone call and I was redundant.. just like that my dream was shattered
    Living in an area with the second highest unemployment rate of the nation that left me very scared and unsure of my future, my depression kicked in but i still had my savings, my skills and my determination that got me to where I was so I had hope.

    I eventually got another job in a place that sold the synthetic the drug and we were doing a roaring trade ($10,000 a day) but everyone was asking me what it was like so I had to try it to be able to tell them... Well after that first puff i was thinking "where have you been all my life" it was that moment that i knew what all those "stoners" were talking about. So it started from there, they say it was non addictive but my cold sweats and sleeplessness begged to differ, so to pay for it i started dealing in real the drug lol... Over time my habit grew and by finances shrunk and after the first ban of synthetics in Australia i decided to try real the drug for the first time in 15 years. What a lovely and amazing experience that was, I had never felt so at peace with myself and content.

    It was ok at first because my dealing was paying for it, i thought there was no impact on my life at all, until i got sick of the calibre of people I was dealing to, they would come and buy $50 worth, then txt me later that day asking for money for nappies.. um.. what????

    Over time the customers lessened and my habit increased, i went from job to job.. then to no job but it was ok, because the drug made it all better, it stopped me from caring. As far as I was concerned it was a choice not an addiction and I was just going to enjoy it for a short time until a job came along, yes that is right "came along" because I had stopped looking.

    If i did have a job interview I was going in stoned (no one noticed because I was actually getting the jobs) but working was going to impact on my lifestyle and I did not want that at all!!

    Long story short I trusted the wrong people, i made bad decisions have found myself in the weeks before Christmas without a cent to my name, cut off from the aussie version of welfare (not my fault) and without any food in the house and no presents for my daughter feeling like the lowest piece of scum in the world.

    Although there is a lot of reasons why I ended up in this situation that really were not my fault directly but i thought long and hard about it and realised that everything that has gone wrong in my life can be attributed to my choice to smoke weed. I used to be motivated and driven, now my standards of myself are drastically lowered and I was more than happy doing nothing all day every day.. because the drug made everything better.

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)



    So I made a decision, I refused to be one of those parents that spent their last $20 on the drug and get welfare for my daughter, if nothing changed then that is where I was headed.

    So after much fear and anxiety I walked into a free clinic and asked for help. It has been 3 days now and already I am thinking clearer, my memory I don't think will ever be what it was but I am able to make decisions, My washing is getting done and my kitchen is cleaner than it has been for a long time. But most importantly I am laughing with my daughter and starting to see joy in the little things.

    I'm anxious now but trying to distract myself, i have been offered a shout from "friends" that know I am trying to detox but so far I have been string an knocked it back, I dont know how long that strength with last for but I need to keep a clear goal of where I am going.

    So thats my story in a nutshell (a very shortened version) In a period of 18 months I have gone from successful, financially very well off, had amazing friends to now, I have no money, no job, no friends and a hell of a lesson learned. I can not stay here, I can not keep doing this to myself, but you know what the kicker is?? Looking my 14yo in the eye and telling her that Christmas is to be postponed. That my friends was my bottom, i reached it and the only way from here is up. But i cant get there with weed, I have to find that old self again, that determined and strong person that rose from a tragic childhood to success, they one that everyone knew and loved. I have a lot of apologies to send to the right people, I doubt much can be salvaged but thats ok, i deserve that, although if I get one "i told you so" i will hit the roof, because this was my lesson to learn and I had to learn it by myself.

    I am scared now, scared that it is too late for me, that i have wasted to much time, scared that I will never find me and scared that I will not succeed. But what I am most scared about is what will i do if there is a bowl of the drug ready to go in front of me... Im craving now and I dont want to, I really dont want to be THAT person any more, Im ready... but I am alone in this

    I thought it may be therapeutic writing all this out, I have had to be so honest with myself and I know that the only reason that I am here is because of me and the choices that I have made. Now I hope that I have the strength to make the right choices from now on, not for me, but for my daughter so I can break the patterns of the past with my mother, i NEVER want her to have her heart broken by her mother EVER again, she deserves nothing but the best and that is what I plan on giving her.

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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Location
    Texas
    Posts
    8

    Default

    hi misha nice to meet you.

    thank you for writing, and no you're not alone!

    I really don't know what to say... but try to think of this as just one Christmas in many, many more happy ones to come. looking back on this you will be so thankful for the decision to quit. because next Christmas WILL be better, as will with the next, and next. this will become just a bump in the road, but it will be the bump that changed everything for the better. your daughter will remember it, but she will forgive!!! I bet if you spoke with her about what she's feeling, she would only want you better and well. my mom was an alcoholic, and all I ever wanted was for her to be happy and sober, because she always seemed so angry, sad, and depressed when I was growing up.

    and when she changed, I was SO THANKFUL! kids know a lot more than you give them credit for, and maybe try to get her to talk through it with you. so she knows that none of this is her fault, and that you are going to make things better
    from now on. maybe even make a promise to her, because I bet you would do anything to not break a promise to your baby

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Sep 2011
    Posts
    57

    Default

    Thanks so much for sharing your story. As I just said to my husband last nihjt "if I got caught doing this, I would lose everything." This is my biggest motivator. I have a great job, great family, etc. The only thing that was getting in my way was weed. I am only on da 2, but this time I know I can do it. I am doing it for my children.
    When I read what you said about your mother, I cant help but to think I am no different from her. My kids have never seen pot, but they are so young, that if I kept up at the pace I was going, it would only be a matter of time.
    Hang in there. Like someone just said, it is only 1 Christmas. IMO, Christmas is not about presents, it is about the birth if Jesus and family.
    WIshing you all the best...

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    174

    Default

    Misha

    It's me again, tired Green Calx. Before I go to bed, I just had to say, when I quickly answered you in the other thread, I didn't realize you were the same person as in this thread (I know, my sentences don't make much sense tonight; English is the first thing that goes out the window when I'm tired). Your post was the last one I read before leaving for Christmas and it was late and I had to get up at 4:30 am the next morning so I didn't comment. Again, I will keep this short for the moment but I had to say that your story brought tears to my eyes and I kept thinking about it while I was away. There are wonderful people on CannabisRehab.org and I can see that they are giving you their support. I want to be one of those people and will do my very best. My family is in town for three days so I won't be on the board as much but I at least wanted to tell you that I think you are a very strong person, and I have no doubt you can do this. xxx

  5. #5
    Join Date
    Dec 2012
    Posts
    174

    Default

    How are you doing Misha? Good I hope. xxx

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