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Thread: my story

  1. #1
    confusedlostfellow Cannabis Rehab Guest

    Default my story

    So I'm 33, and gotten into a lot of trouble with weed. I'm hoping to find anyone who might have similar experiences, and help me through these times.. perhaps I just want to write and get this out, anyway, let me know if this strikes a chord with anyone here..

    I had a painful back condition since 16 and lived in plenty of pain, wasn't able to bend or look down due to a bulging disk. Had burning pain all the time. I was totally anti "drugs" at this time. 7 years on, at 23, I figured I didn't want to live this way the rest of my life, and resorted to surgery, which went horridly wrong, and I ended up getting (probably, never proven..) a disk infection which caused me to be laid up in bed for a year. This basically drove my completely nuts. (bitter, resentful, etc) I was able to walk with plenty of pain subsequently, and since outwards I seemed OK, noone made any allowances for my pain which I lived with all alone. My mom was my best friend and I used to tell her how cursed I felt, and how difficult life was. You know how you think you ought to be grateful each day once you go through something like this, but it doesnt happen, at least with me. I found myself in a position where I was still subject to the same expectations as others with my education and background, and noone would make any allowances for the pain. Finding myself in this situation, I did pretty well managing to sound and look cheerful, especially as my career restarted, while all the time dying a little more inside each time I faked it. Going to work would seem like a very farcical thing to me, yet, the expectations of the world didn't allow me to be a hermit too long, so I began to take up my work again, found a job (I'm a software engineer), and began the process that everyone in their early twenties goes through, only while all the time knowing it didn't make any sense for someone whose back was as screwed up as mine. When I smoked grass the first time and felt that release, that release of pressure, when I realised it made me feel better at my own misfortune, I was hooked forever. Music sounded so fantastic, I was about 25 at the time, masturbating/sex while high was incredibly pleasurable, and I began to drift more into it as I realised how it took my focus off my pain, at least emotionally. I still felt the back hurting, but I didn't feel the "outcast" feeling while on it. I didn't feel jealous of others who might not be suffering as much as I, so in a way, I figured it made me into a much more comfortable person.

    At 33 though, the career and sheer public pressure to be a responsible person overwhelms me, and I'm no longer able to smoke it without feeling really guilty. In the meantime, I've made such as ass of myself publicly while high, that the shame and guilt drives me crazy. It's been 45 days since I stopped, but facing the world in this mindstate, knowing they've seen me say and do things that don't match up to this personality that emerges when I stop smoking it, makes it very very awkward, impossible I'd say, to meet the same people again. On weed I'd lose all sense of inhibitions, I'd wander the city looking for "happy ending" massage parlors, and solicit hookers. All this while being from a respected family. When I told my parents about these things I'd done while high, it was impossible to look them in the eye. This is the hardest part about my life, knowing the shame that I've caused them. There is no real answer to this, there's nothing to take this pain away.

    About three years ago, after a difficult breakup, I began to think the tv was talking about me, that the marquee at the bottom of the screen was talking in veiled reference about me. I realise now that those were the first signs of psychosis. When I began to abuse my parents and get particularly aggressive, they put me in rehab for about three months. When I was out, I found a job (my dad helped me with a few contacts who got me employed again), but by then life had seemed so meaningless and devoid of any pleasure apart from smoking marijuana, that four months into the job, as soon as I lost the initial nervousness you have in a new job, and as soon as my colleagues began to get comfortable with me, I got right back into the dope, and the same habits returned. I was smoking regularly, it affected my job, and to cut a long story short, there's more things I did that cause the same kind of shameful feeling, making life really seem pretty hopeless. I cannot feel good after all this has happened. But just before I stopped it, I was suspecting that everyone was talking about me in a bad way, the government was following me, my friends were clones, my parents were clones, I was abducted and living in a simulation on an alien spacecraft, everyone was my enemy, and now I know these as signs of psychosis. I was very scared. I quit 45 days ago and hope to stay away from it forever. It is very difficult facing life without the grass, as it was the only thing that made me OK in my head. (the psychotic features I hadn't really bargained on... ) Without it, I go back to being the same person I hate, the aloof and nervous guy who is even more nervous about being this way, after years of pretending to be confident and outgoing and cheerful, all on the weed high.

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)

    Does this make sense at all ? I spend a lot of time reading google for psychosis and marijuana and schizophrenia.. somehow its comforting, perhaps I've turned into a complete loser .. I've moved back in with my parents, after being out for a year on my own, as I've realised the only reason I wanted to stay alone, was to have the freedom to smoke up whenever I wanted to. Now that I've quit, it doesnt make sense living alone. I live in the same city as my parents, so its really strange having to tell people I live alone with them in the same city. Somehow it doesn't make sense to me, even though I hate the fact that I need to live in complete slavery having shamed them and caused all this hurt to them.

    I have this feeling of being disconnected .. not really that aware of whats really happening, not alert to the world around me, and even though I pay the price all the time, I don't feel like taking any interest in "the real world". Honestly, I'm waiting to die. I wish sometimes I'd just have a heart attack. Sometimes I want to jump off a building.

    How do I live the rest of my life, until I die in misery like most people.. and whats the point anyway .. as it is, there's enough guilt and shame here to not allow me to have any real fun ever .. so whats the point ..

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Apr 2013


    The point is LIFE, i see your struggle and though my weed smoking wasnt as long, it did have its downside and finally to the point of a break down and me looking in the mirror and shamfully accepting what i turned myself into. Your not a loser, your human, and as a human you make mistakes. we all do and thats o.k. you can always change into what you believe you deserve to be. dont let doubt stop you from striving! you say you used the weed high to feel cheerful, outgoing and confident. well i got news for you, you took risks while high and i bet it felt amazing. now imagine being confident,outgoing, and cheerful on a daily basis but sober. it may sound hard but CHALLENGE YOURSELF, i dare you! start off small like maybe being extra nice to your parents and seeing how they react, or perhaps spending a day by yourself nd treating yourself to something you enjoy and it could be a burger at your local mcdonalds or hell better yet grill up your own and watch a movie. sounds dumb i know but fighting the FEAR of failure and coming out on top is an amaxing feeling! especially when you know you did it yourself and didnt rely on anything other hen yourslef. and its free, all you gotta do is TRY. i used weed to mask my emotions and the more i smoked the further i fell into my mind until i felt alone and helpless. everyone felt surreal and disconnected until i realized i belong to the same reality as everyone else. i started questioning myself. " why do i feel this way?" "why does it seem like everyone else is being sucessful" the list goes on and on and on. till finally i looked in the mirror and realized it was because of Me.... because of me i let myself smoke 10 joints a day, because of me i held myself back, because of me i continued my self destructive behavior. i used to be me and now because of my abuse of marijuana and dependence of the drug or plant whatever you want to call it, i crumbled myself. but now that im clean i strive to put myself back together little by little. day by day until one day i KNOW i will be happy with myself again and can look in the mirror and be proud of what i accomplished. even if its just quiting thats just the first phase of my new life. i dont know if im helping you or not. im just happy to see someone struggling just like me, and for that your not alone in this fight. i may be new to this site but its just another tool to help me fight on. so please just give it a shot and its going to be scary at first but if you atleast try you may come to terms with your demons and carry on with life and strive to be better.
    "No matter how dirty something gets, you can always clean it up"

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