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Thread: Final Quitting Journal - 16 year HEAVY Smoker

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    Default Final Quitting Journal - 16 year HEAVY Smoker

    Stoned has changed her name to StonedNoMore and I'm starting my final journal. I would start a new journal before when I relapsed but I guess its only fair to everyone else to be honest and see successes as well as failures. Although , I'm hoping I don't relapse. I am currenly 48 hours sober.

    Background: I grew up swearing I would never do drugs. Adamently opposed. But, I was always seeking approval from others, I was a pretty girl but very very insecure with not a great home life. So, when a guy I liked smoked pot, what did I do, smoke pot. I have realized I have a very addictive personality. I loved pot instantly. Mary Jane became my best friend. Guys thought I was cool because I the pretty girl who smoked, but looking back they didn't want to date me, they didn't like me. I started smoking before school, during school, and every 30 minutes from the time school was over until the time I went to bed. I also suffered from an eating disorder but I was able to replace that addiction with pot. I have realized I will probably always have an additction. My goal is to have a healthy addiction. I have signed up for a stand up paddle boarding lesson and am determined to become addicted to a healthy life style, cooking healthy, being outside, and being active. That is what I've always loved. And I love to compete and win...I think Ive always sought outside attention and approval because I never got much attention or approval at home. I went to college at 17 and continued smoking all day everyday going through about 1/4 a week. I am currently going through 1/4 (7 grams) in 4-5 days. I Cough up black stuff and I am terrified of dying from lung cancer which is my main motivation in heaven. I'm sure my grandparents who suffered and died from this wouldn't be happy wtih my choice to smoke. I graduated enginnering school (yes I did this stoned so some people can function stoned) with high honors and got a job with a top firm and started dating an amazing guy. For the first time ever, I stopped smoking pot after a two week cruise. I was able to smoke a few times on the cruise, but the break made ti much easier to quit and my boyfreind would not have liked me if he knew how much I smoked. I made it a year before I impulsively broke up with the love of my life (still a huge regret). i got a bag the next day. Within a day I was smoking before during and after work. It's amazing how quickly I fell back into it. Especially because when I was sober that year and thought back to my life before I felt so pathetic and swore I would never do it again, but there I was.So, here I am, one husbadn and two beautiful girls later and still smoking. I was able to quit for my pregnancy the first time, and most of the second one. I'm not proud of it, but I wasn't able to fully control my addiction during my second pregnancy which I don't condone and feel extremely blessed to have two healthy girls. I'm almost numb to pot but continue to feel the need to smoke. I dont' even get high anymore because of the quantities of high quality herb I've smoked for so long. I have also been seeing a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me as ahving ADHD and said sometimes he sees people go undiagnosed as children if they are able to still function in school and he has seen many people use pot to control their ADHD. He added Vyanse to my Zoloft that I already take. I take ZOloft because I have a history of severe anxiety and this helps a lot. The Vyanse has been a life changer for me and I truly feel I can quit now and my head is in the right place.

    So here I am so happy to be on Day 2. I had made it a week a few days back but relapsed HARD and lost all will to quit, stopped writing in my journal and stopped reading on the forum. This was a mistake. As I've come back to the rehab group and started reading and posting more it really helped motivate me. And right now I feel so strong and empowered I know I will make Day 3 Everyday is definitely a challenge, but for me the first 24 hours is the absolute worst and one my mind every second. After that the cravings come and go but the longer you make it the more motivation you have not to use. Thats why I think its so easy to justify relapsing on Day 1....I'll just stop tomorrow. LOL, i think ive said that everyday for the last 16 years.

    Wishing you all the best in your journeys!!!
    StonedNoMore

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)


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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    Default

    Made it through Day 3 pretty easily. I thought I would take a moment to share what I did that helped make through day 1:
    - deleted contacts for dealers that weren't friends
    - Told dealers that were "friends" that I was quitting....that way I woudl be embarrassed to go back and say I couldn't
    - Had a "smash" party and broke all paraphonelia and trashed
    - Threw away lighters
    - Made a playlist to listen to for motivation (great thread on this BTW)
    - drank juice immediately when waking up ...sounds trivial but it actually really helps since most of us dont' eat during the initial quitting process. ALso kept protein shakes on hand....great when you feel like you are going to puke (small slow sips). I get nauseaous a lot during the first week
    - Take melatonin at night
    - Exercise First thing every morning....set the right tone for you day!!!! I can actually say I ran 5 miles Sunday, yea I walked some, but I did it!!!!

    Nights are still the worst because I can't pass out and have to actually fall asleep WOrking out helps though because at least my body is tired, even if not my mind. Got out of bed at 5 this morning after a pretty restless nights full of not fun dreams. But it is nice to dream even if I don't like the content. At least I'm starting to feel human again instead of a slave to maryjane. Shakes/trembles are also pretty bad. Ready to make it through day 4!!!!!!!
    Last edited by StonedNoMore; 10-08-2013 at 07:05 AM.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    38

    Default Rosepink - you out there?

    Just thinking about you Rosepink on your journey and praying for you. Just wanted to let you know I'm supporting you and wanted to drop you a note of encouragement. Don't give up on the quit!!!!! We can do this!

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2013
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    Feeling extremely anxious and panicky right now. Tightness in my chest and a general feeling of not being able to sit still and do not know what to do with myself. Definitely the worst its been in a while. Got a lot of life stressers right now besides quitting though. Marriage is kinda a mess so that doesn't help. May not be the best time to quite some people may thing, but I told myself I could not leave my marriage unless i was at least 60 days clean because I don't want to make any decisions stoned. Thats how I ended up in this mess in the first place. If you have to be high on your wedding day, think twice about your marijuana use and maybe the person your marrying to, at least thats my opinion based on hindsight. I'm not going to seek out pot no matter how anxious I get. I have to get through the withdrawals and everyone else here experienced the same thing so I know it will pass.

  5. #5
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    May 2013
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    hi! the withdrawals pass! they do. Life gets so much freeer without it. Stay strong! I think you could change your name to something even more removed--- maybe think of something you like and take the whole mj out of the name? or go with this one . Either way- are you on day 3 or 4 today? Remember, for the first two or so weeks all you will want to do is get high- just don't do it! It is just the detox process. The more time you don't do it the smaller and smaller those craving get!

    I am still on that day one tomorrow thing. But oh my goodness how I want to be on day three again even and not on day before one.
    Stonednomore-- give yourself a huge credit and goodness to yourself right now! Day three is great! It is hardest in the beginning, you just have to power through it and then it eases up. I will be walking the path of sober with you too--- tomorrow--- I hope--- please know the value of being even three days into sober is so great. Go with it, go forward. There is so much more of life to find joy in without pot. We have these stupid addictions and they are mind parasites. The addiction tells us we need it to be calm to be happy to live. But that is not true! I find when I think of some future date- I picture myself relaxing and smoking a bowl. As if smoking a bowl is relaxing. Like I need to learn hat not smoking is actually eventually much more joyfull and relaxing than smoking all the time like a victim.

    I am so happy you have jumped ahead- I so need someone else to pull me into sobriety too. Bad feelings come and go. Stay sober!!! Goodness awaits for both of us.

  6. #6
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    May 2013
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    and yeah I know JUST what you mean about there always being situations in all of our lives that are big and stressful. We think- oh I need to be high to del with this ugh. I think in realit pot makes me SO much more anxios and fearful than being sober does. When I am high all the time there always feels like some crisis to deal with and when I get sober things feel calmer. IT is just those darn cravings and the tricking of the addiction entity trying to tell my mind I need it. If I can say f-you to that addiction voice, I can be free,

  7. #7
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    Jun 2013
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    On Day 6...still going. Next to night time this is the hardest time of the day for me, mid-afternoon. I just don't know what to do with myself and kids and no matter what I do I can't shake the discomfort but I know it will go in time if I stay clean. Got a massage this morning which definitely relaxed me. I almost felt high after...maybe it released some THC into my system or something.

    Last night walking my dog I was in what I call the "danger zone". Which is when I get overconfident in my quit. I caught myself thinking, I'm just never going to buy pot again but I can smoke on occasion. I have to rid myself of this thought because I can't do that. Never have been able to with MJ and probably never will. But its not worth the risk of finding out, because if I can't then I go back to day 1 and day 1 is so hard I don't want to be there again. Everyday is easier and although I'm not comfortable in my skin right now I wouldn't necessarily say I'm craving pot....just peace.

  8. #8
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    May 2013
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    Great job on being on day 6!! Keep it up!!

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