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Thread: 20 years...I'm so tired of this and now have the desire and will to end this idiocy..

  1. #1
    Unregistered Cannabis Rehab Guest

    Default 20 years...I'm so tired of this and now have the desire and will to end this idiocy..

    I'm basically 40 and this garbage has owned me for 20 years.


    I want to be a Freebird like I used to be.....when I could enjoy life and the world without being enveloped in a constant cloud of green smoke.
    when I did not have anxiety or paranoia around people, when I knew what actual happiness was like without being stoned.

    I went to a rehab facility 10 years ago but still had not accepted that weed was bad for me...I remember being in a group discussion
    where everyone went around and talked about their drugs of choice and how you felt about it....I was still saying I loved it and how it
    did this and that for me....how it made music sound better and expanded your mind and made you think about things differently...
    any mind-controlling substance will do that....and those brief bursts of energy and creativity in the beginning only last for so long....
    the smart people or people who have things going for them in life are able to recognize that...and keep it on a recreational level....
    others like me who are depressed or have empty lives end up self-medicating into addiction...and eventually your best friend, your drug, ends up owning you....
    getting back to the rehab story, after I spoke, a guy who looked in actual physical pain told everyone that his drug was heroine....
    and that unlike me he hated it, but he needed it because of the physical
    withdrawal....I looked at him and thought "what a loser, heroine junkie"....and 10 years later I understand how profound and brilliant he was.
    he recognized he had a problem and was on the path to recovery...
    he was more likely to get his act together from that moment on whereas 10 years later I'm basically in the same pathetic life situation except all my friends
    are living their lives....getting married, having children, raising a family....living life.....I hate it that they can smoke during the weekend
    and have their shit together for the rest of the week....that its no big deal for them if they dont have any weed monday whereas I'm scraping
    the bong for resin....it's so pathetic....I look in the mirror and am disgusted with what I see...the time and opportunities I've lost that will never come back.....



    I found this rehab group and a few weeks ago and have been reading other people's posts and have been inspired to stop...of course a lot of times
    I was on the 2nd half of a weed high when Im coming down and start to feel depressed and lonely....I would feel good and ready to stop
    but then the realization of how hard it is would make me feel even more empty and depressed and of course I reached out for my best friend
    and would start the same sad cycle over again. I remember reading in a magazine about 5 years ago Robert Downey Jr., a hero for all recovering addicts,
    when Iron Man 2 was coming out, saying that weed was "the ambition crusher"....that statement zapped me like a lightning bolt.
    truer words were never said about this green garbage. of course I was pumped up to stop and that lasted for about 30 mins after arriving home...
    and then I got bored and take a guess what I did....lol....I'm actually able to laugh and chuckle about it cause I've been sober for 6 days
    and have some mental clarity to actually write this....fyi, I am completely sober as I write this...listening to music seems to help me a lot
    with the boredom and depression...I need to remember to listen to music from the moment I wake up so at least the depression and loneliness
    will not immediately begin as soon as I wake up....I play an instrument (not professionally but I am very competent) and feeling it in my hands again and trying
    to re-learn difficult concepts that stumped me before in the past (gee...I wonder why?) is actually fun and has helped me to maintain this sobriety.

    I did not want to post this cause I'm completely paranoid but I dont care anymore (in a good way)....I want to own this and put it in the past along with
    all the guilt and shame....my goal is by the time christmas rolls around I want to look back at this day and know it was the beginning of my new life.

    I know I've been rambling here so thanks for putting up with this if you've made it down this far....


    from an episode of Breaking Bad when jesse was in rehab and dialogue that I often think about that inspires me and maybe it will help and inspire someone
    else out there:

    rehab counselor: self-hatred and guilt...it accomplishes nothing....it just stands in the way...
    jesse: stands in the way of what?
    rehab counselor: TRUE CHANGE

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)



    Good Luck and God Bless....

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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    32

    Default

    I just turned 30, spent about 10 years smoking, and so much of what you say resonates with me. I fell off the wagon 2 weeks back after being 19 days clean, and im back to day one today. Thanks so much for writing, and for sharing, good luck.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    2

    Default

    hello Wick:

    it's good to hear from someone out there...you should congratulate yourself for making it 19 days clean and not beat yourself up
    for using....what is important is that you are starting on a new streak of sobriety....I used to get so depressed when
    I smoked after a multi-week clean streak....the self-hatred, shame and guilt kicks in and then I end up smoking more....
    If you can make it through today, dont let the guilt and shame weigh you down.....instead say to yourself "hey, I messed up yesterday
    but now I made it through today and now out of the last 20 days, I have been sober for 19 days"....
    so that means out of the last 20 days, you have been sober for 95% of the time!!!....thats awesome and you need to congratulate yourself.
    if for the rest of my life, someone could guarantee me that I would be sober for 95% of the rest of my time, I would be all over that deal...
    Go spend the $ you would have given to your dealer and use it on yourself for good food you enjoy....or buy something like a DVD or i-tunes music
    that youve wanted for awhile....I realized for awhile why in most rehabs they usually do not let people have cell phones, internet access, all the little
    things....my conclusion for this is they take these things away so that you appreciate them...and then when you leave the facility
    as a sober individual, the appreciation for those little things that you did not have in rehab can provide some stability in your new sobriety.

    one of the things I've done is force myself to watch the tv show "intervention'....cause usually no matter how bad all of our lives are,
    they are usually better then the individuals going through their respective hells in that show...

    stay strong today brother....you can do it....

  4. #4
    Join Date
    Jun 2014
    Posts
    8

    Default

    hello i'm in a similiar situation but i've been heavily smoking for about 3 years now i'm 2 days clean stopping for my own good. good luck

  5. #5
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    81

    Default

    Hi and welcome,
    Like yourself i have been a smoker for over 15 years and can relate to a lot of what you have written as I am in my mid 40s. I am now on day 70 of being clean and looking back the first couple of weeks are the hardest but with the right attitude it is achievable. It is hardest to come to terms with the fact that you will never smoke again because once you have smoked for so long you just can't do it in moderation like most people and accepting that is the hardest. I even had a little wobble after 60 days when my wife found an old stash in the kitchen cupboard and after smelling & reminiscing for a little while I eventually binned it but the temptation was still strong and it was a stark reminder that I am not out of the woods yet.
    Anyway I wish you luck on your journey and hope you can achieve all your goals.

  6. #6
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Posts
    32

    Default

    What curly said above couldn't be more true, its so hard to come to terms with the fact that I am done with it, I have been fighting with that for months.

  7. #7
    Join Date
    Jul 2014
    Posts
    2

    Default

    If I can make it through tomorrow (good chance since I have absolutely nothing in my home) and dont plan on being around anything)
    it will be 2 weeks....I ended up going out of town for the weekend and this was a tremendous help me to not smoke.
    for me, usually the 2nd weekend of an attempted sobriety run was usually a failure point.
    I feel a lot better now, my lungs are clearing up and breathing deep has become easier....I have had the energy to go to the gym
    and plan on increasing the intensity of my workouts to get the endorphins pumping again. At times sobriety is easy, but
    1 call from a "friend" and the evil green ******* inside my head starts to tempt me. When those moments happen I have become
    more structured in my response. I try to get out of the house, or play my guitar, or do something as simple as watch tv or a good movie
    to get my mind of its idiotic temptations....its funny, the music I used to luv getting blazed to sounds just as good when I'm sober....
    sometimes even more powerful...

    for the past 3 days, I have started to use Cannitrol...do any users of this stuff have had success with it?
    I dont know if it is my optimism and clean time that have made me feel better or the cannitrol, but everything is ok so far.
    I know 1 mistake can send me down the rabbit hole again so I'm not planning on getting arrogant about this anytime soon.

    I hope everyone out there is making progress and doing better.

  8. #8
    Unregistered Cannabis Rehab Guest

    Talking 32 years old-spent the last 15 years being owned by this stuff

    Congratulations to you on your journey to sobriety. I too was in a similar situation. Started smoking when I was 18 and other than a year or two of total sobriety, I was an everyday user. Never thought of it as an addiction yet I used it everyday. I too had friends that could smoke on the weekends and go back to their normal lives. Not me. I only felt "normal" when I was high, so running out wasn't an option. I probably spent close to 5-10 thousand dollars on the stuff over the years looking back, if not more. What a waste. I have now been sober for a little over 3 months and other than one 2 day relapse, I haven't looked back since. I used to think the only "cure" for my anxiety was weed. Now I see that it only caused MORE anxiety. It was hard for me to quit but I had to. I had several failed attempts in the past but this time was different. My husband of 4 years was also a habitual user, for almost 20 years of his life. One night after smoking a powerful strain, he had a seizure and his heart stopped for a full minute. Talk about a near-death experience. It scared the hell out of him-literally. He prayed to God for help and for deliverance and he got it. He hasn't looked back since that day. For me, it took a few extra weeks to quit. I knew I had to though because this wasn't the first time this had happened. 2 years ago my husband had a similar episode and quit for a few months, but I continued. No one was going to tell me I "had" to quit, so I made excuses. My decision to continue backfired and my husband started up shortly afterwards-because of me. Things got worse and worse between us and we ended up being separated for 6 months. He was moody and angry when he ran out and I was an emotional wreck-not a good combination. So anyway, when the same thing happened a few months ago, boy did I wake up and see where I went wrong before. We both felt as though God had given us second chances. And I had a decision to make. I could do the same thing I did last time and get the same result, OR, I could make the decision to quit and trust God for help. It started with my realization and admittance that what I was doing WAS in fact an addiction and it was wrong. It cost me money, time, friends, etc. and I wasn't about to let the smoke cost me my marriage. Music helped me too, as well as meditation of God's Word and much, much prayer. I had to keep reminding myself that I could do this and I would be so much better off once I did. I have never been more right about anything in my life. Yes it was hard. Especially the first couple weeks. I had to get rid of anything and everything in the house that reminded me of smoking. I had to stop associating with people in my life that still did it and thought it was fun. But looking back now, it was almost nothing at all. I feel so much better! More alive! More healthy! I have a clear mind, I can speak without pausing and losing my train of thought 15 times. I have more ambition and motivation to reach my goals than ever before, and I'm actually following through with them! I can leave the house without looking for cops and thinking they are all out to get me. I can walk with my head held high through life knowing that I overcame a very strong addiction, that hopefully I can help others to do the same! The best part of all is, I can talk to my kids about the real dangers of drugs and give them solid personal advice without being a big fat hypocrite. I'm here to tell everyone that if I can do it, so can you! You just have to take the right steps and don't ever beat yourself up. When I went on a 2 day relapse, instead of hating myself, I just realized how much better I had been feeling WITHOUT weed-for the first time in almost 2 decades. That is huge. Thank you for sharing your story. I read this back when I relapsed and cried my eyes out. Of course there were others going through something similar! So I put down the pipe, picked up my Bible and asked my Father in heaven for direction and for strength. He has never let me down, so this was no different. I didn't feel guilty for relapsing either, I just picked myself back up and took things one day and sometimes one hour at a time. God bless you and everyone else out there that is trying to quit. My thoughts and prayers are with you all as you go through each day smoke-free. Hang in there, it really does get easier. You will never look back once the smoke clears.
    Thank you


    Quote Originally Posted by Unregistered View Post
    I'm basically 40 and this garbage has owned me for 20 years.


    I want to be a Freebird like I used to be.....when I could enjoy life and the world without being enveloped in a constant cloud of green smoke.
    when I did not have anxiety or paranoia around people, when I knew what actual happiness was like without being stoned.

    I went to a rehab facility 10 years ago but still had not accepted that weed was bad for me...I remember being in a group discussion
    where everyone went around and talked about their drugs of choice and how you felt about it....I was still saying I loved it and how it
    did this and that for me....how it made music sound better and expanded your mind and made you think about things differently...
    any mind-controlling substance will do that....and those brief bursts of energy and creativity in the beginning only last for so long....
    the smart people or people who have things going for them in life are able to recognize that...and keep it on a recreational level....
    others like me who are depressed or have empty lives end up self-medicating into addiction...and eventually your best friend, your drug, ends up owning you....
    getting back to the rehab story, after I spoke, a guy who looked in actual physical pain told everyone that his drug was heroine....
    and that unlike me he hated it, but he needed it because of the physical
    withdrawal....I looked at him and thought "what a loser, heroine junkie"....and 10 years later I understand how profound and brilliant he was.
    he recognized he had a problem and was on the path to recovery...
    he was more likely to get his act together from that moment on whereas 10 years later I'm basically in the same pathetic life situation except all my friends
    are living their lives....getting married, having children, raising a family....living life.....I hate it that they can smoke during the weekend
    and have their shit together for the rest of the week....that its no big deal for them if they dont have any weed monday whereas I'm scraping
    the bong for resin....it's so pathetic....I look in the mirror and am disgusted with what I see...the time and opportunities I've lost that will never come back.....



    I found this rehab group and a few weeks ago and have been reading other people's posts and have been inspired to stop...of course a lot of times
    I was on the 2nd half of a weed high when Im coming down and start to feel depressed and lonely....I would feel good and ready to stop
    but then the realization of how hard it is would make me feel even more empty and depressed and of course I reached out for my best friend
    and would start the same sad cycle over again. I remember reading in a magazine about 5 years ago Robert Downey Jr., a hero for all recovering addicts,
    when Iron Man 2 was coming out, saying that weed was "the ambition crusher"....that statement zapped me like a lightning bolt.
    truer words were never said about this green garbage. of course I was pumped up to stop and that lasted for about 30 mins after arriving home...
    and then I got bored and take a guess what I did....lol....I'm actually able to laugh and chuckle about it cause I've been sober for 6 days
    and have some mental clarity to actually write this....fyi, I am completely sober as I write this...listening to music seems to help me a lot
    with the boredom and depression...I need to remember to listen to music from the moment I wake up so at least the depression and loneliness
    will not immediately begin as soon as I wake up....I play an instrument (not professionally but I am very competent) and feeling it in my hands again and trying
    to re-learn difficult concepts that stumped me before in the past (gee...I wonder why?) is actually fun and has helped me to maintain this sobriety.

    I did not want to post this cause I'm completely paranoid but I dont care anymore (in a good way)....I want to own this and put it in the past along with
    all the guilt and shame....my goal is by the time christmas rolls around I want to look back at this day and know it was the beginning of my new life.

    I know I've been rambling here so thanks for putting up with this if you've made it down this far....


    from an episode of Breaking Bad when jesse was in rehab and dialogue that I often think about that inspires me and maybe it will help and inspire someone
    else out there:

    rehab counselor: self-hatred and guilt...it accomplishes nothing....it just stands in the way...
    jesse: stands in the way of what?
    rehab counselor: TRUE CHANGE

    Good Luck and God Bless....

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