Hi everybody, thanks for this forum,

I want to quit marijuana for the sake of my mental health, but it's hard when marijuana has been the only thing that lets me feel normal.

I started smoking when I was 22 and now I'm 25. At first it was only with other people who smoked, but then I applied for and received this scholarship to go to New Zealand to get an MA in English Lit. I went because I wanted to escape being an aimless twenty-something and because school is something that I've always been good at; I also went because I felt paranoid about belonging anywhere... feelings that have returned in full force as I wean myself off this drug. When I went to New Zealand I became pretty isolated and went from being an occasional social smoker to being a full time pothead, sometimes going days or weeks without being sober. This went on for about eight months: I ended up not finishing my thesis and found a job in a different country, where I continued to smoke an average of 1-2 times a day. This went on for three months; I then went to a workshop in another country where I didn't smoke for two months; however, my friends and I harvested psychedelic mushrooms there and did them probably four or five times over the course of these months and I think I substituted that for the "a-ha" feeling that I have come to rely on weed for. I was supposed to return to my job, but instead I moved to Philadelphia with a friend and got a job there. I think weed changed my personality/ has prevented the emotional development that I would have had otherwise; I got into a conflict with a friend and I feel paranoid about my relationships with my other friends there. I moved to Philadelphia intending to quit weed and would on-and-off activate the intention; every-bag-is-the-last-but-I-smoke-when-someone-is-smoking-around-me-or-the-cravings-get-too-bad. This lasted from November to July.

This past month, July, I have smoked the least weed, but the depersonalization and suicidal ideation is so intense and only seems to go away when I do smoke. For example, I have felt relatively normal all of today but I know it's only because I smoked yesterday.

I have been feeling depressed and anxious to the point of being suicidal for months now and I get into these self-critical thought loops where I hate myself for not being what I once was. I have good experiences quite frequently but for some reason when I wake up in the morning I only experience anxiety and action paralysis and meaninglessness. I think because I was so used to waking and baking for so long, I've been repressing a lot of anxiety and depression and now it's all coming out at once in an overwhelming way.

For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

1-800-662-HELP (4357)

I don't like the anxious, paranoid, angry, needy, moody, emotionally-off-the-wall person I've become and I want to stop. So this is day one of my quit diary.