Well a little background and context to my stoner adventures. I was raised as a 3rd generation Scientologist and it destroyed my family. I barely escaped with what was left of my sanity at the age of 24.

I got into online poker and through that psychology and self-help type books. Scientology is very against psychology so this was a big step for me. This process of self discovery helped me greatly and I eventually read the book "The Game" and started taking action to fight my social anxiety and PTSD. I remember the first time I tried to go into a bar I drove past and had a panic attack. Sweats, shaking, red skin, racing thoughts. The next weekend I made it to the door. The next I made it inside. 6 months later I was talking to people. 2 years later I got into my first relationship at the age of 27.

I did not realize how deeply traumatized I was until I had to have a real intimate connection with someone. I did not know how to let my wall down and relax. I was so in denial of my feelings and what was going on inside me I couldn't even be intimate with myself. This is right about the time I started smoking pot.

The first time I got high I was with 4 good friends (only one of whom smoked). It was the first time I hadn't felt depressed in decades. I didn't even know I was until I felt that ancient but familiar feeling of happiness. My pain also decreased which was related to the PTSD. I felt like I fit in more and wasn't an outsider. I felt like I was more sensitive to what was going on inside me and I could break down and understand the causes of my emotions. The things I used to have interest in (food, porn, movies, games) suddenly were interesting again.

I had been going out 5-6 nights a week before I got into a relationship and had managed to let go of some of my major habits or at least lessen them. With pot all my old habits came back. With pot I could once again comfortably escape somewhere. When I first started going out it was the pain and depression which forced me out of my shell. I could not live life like that one second, it was either kill myself or face my problems. I had bad migraines and facial pain all day, I couldn't enjoy my usual activities (addictions). Pot gave me another way to avoid my problems.

Over time it became a daily thing but I still did not identify as a drug user or pot smoker. It was when I realized how reliant I was on it that I first tried to quit. "I'm not a stoner I can stop this." The anxiety and withdrawals I felt were powerful and I could make it a few days sometimes but by then I'd feel I could control it and it was safe to start smoking again. Invariably I was right back to the same habit of smoking all day. I tried to quit so many times eventually I lost all faith in myself and stopped trying.

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1-800-662-HELP (4357)



I broke up with my girlfriend who was abusive (very similar to how my family was actually). I was homeless, jobless (the government shut down online poker), no family, few friends and none who could support me. I was sleeping on a friends couch working at Sears Outlet. My friends tried to set me up with a girl and I couldn't get my **** up I was so anxious and depressed and afraid she would be like my first. All this work I had done on myself and there I was 30 and still miserable. I was ready to give up, very suicidal. When was I going to be comfortable with sex? 35? 40? The sad part is I have so much potential, I'm attractive and sex is thrown at me by beautiful women. They could never see what was going on inside me though so they had all the wrong assumptions. I remember going out full of anxiety and terrified a very beautiful woman saying to me "I bet you've been with lots of girls." A good relationship and sex is what I've always wanted, and it's always just out of reach. Like Tantalus and the grapes.

Fast forward to now... a miracle happened, a stranger came into the store who was a lawyer specializing in foster kids. We talked, I told him a bit about myself and he said he'd like to be a part of my support group. I was just about to get kicked out of the place I was renting and he loaned me money and offered me work. He got me into a program to receive anti depressants which was very helpful. I started exercising and I'm probably in the best shape of my life. He helped me get a job and now I'm a programmer for the state. I think I'd be dead had I not met him.

I'm ready to live my life. I'm ready to try to have a relationship again. I'm ready to quit, but I've never been able to. I've never been able to quit any of my addictions actually, I have a very addictive personality. All my friends smoke. A lot of my social activities are full of stoners. The longest I've been able to go is a few days and then I always do it again. It's destroying my life. I spend 600$ a month easily on pot. I don't enjoy it more, I smoke just to feel normal, just so I can take my mind off the fact that I want to feel high.

So my plan is to quit smoking pot, cigarettes, alcohol and porn. Those are my major addictions as I see it. I'm also going to enroll in therapy. I can't do this myself so I'm hoping a support group like this will be the extra push I need. I am very ready to quit this, I have been for a long time. I am thinking I should do a daily journal once I fully make the decision to quit. Unfortunately I'm going to an already paid for event this weekend and I know I won't have the willpower to resist if it's offered. I think the first few weeks I may have to just avoid going out altogether. Whatever the sacrifice is I'm ready.

Any help and support is greatly appreciated!