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Thread: Sunshine's Quit Blog

  1. #71
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    So I just read back over some of my early posts in this quit diary. Feel quite emo tional thinking back to being pregnant and the excitement etc. Also feel very guilty that I didn't maintain the initial strength I had. I haven't done right by my son by starting again later in pregnancy or smoking whilst breast feeding.
    It has to change though, this quit attempt has to succeed for his future. I read some posts by other mums who sound like they smoke a lot and it is massively affecting their behaviour and relationship with their kids. I am thankful that my habit was much more limited in comparison. Quite shocked by some of what I have read to be honest and determine that will never be me.

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    I feel strong at the moment and know O I can do this. I love my son more than life itself and want to be fully present for him as well as around to see him have his own children.

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  2. #72
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    Feel utterly disappointed with myself. After having a very depressive and slightly bonkers epispde last night I ended up bumming a joint off a friend. It served its purpose which was to calm me down but I know I have put myself back to square one on the withdrawal side of things and thus with the depression side of things.

    I know it is mainly due to withdrawal that I've been feeling low on and off but ut is very difficult to ride it out when feeling so hopeless. Suffering with a massively banging headache today from smoking last night so serves me right.

    I think the blip lad night has helped me refocus on what I want (which is to quit for good) though.

    Onwards and upwards.

  3. #73
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    Hi Sunshine,

    I was just thinking of you, because your on again off again relationship with cannabis reminds me of a situation I am in at the moment. It seems that we are slow learners. And what is it about the lure of that joint that would make you abandon your goal (what you want - to quit for good), and to smoke?

    In my situation, in some quasi bullshit online relationship, my short term goal is to avoid the pain of the heartbreak, or alternatively to express a deep happiness inside that is bursting to get out and doesn't know where to express this. It is a slightly different situation, but I think the underlying problem is the same.

    We get so swayed by the short term benefit, that we lose sight of the long term goal. In my case, I am not entirely sure that the long term is going to be better. It is the unknown, perhaps you are the same. So we continue to go around and around in circles, never really making a decision, because we WANT to quit, but we always lose our way, therefore we have to go through the pain, over and over again.

    For me with cannabis, something tipped the scale, and I took flight. I committed to the decision, and although it was hard sometimes, I did it.

    From an outsiders perspective, it seems as though we are weak - why can't we just stick to the plan? Maybe that is it. I was the same with cigarettes, until I got some support and succeeded. I think we need to ask 'what worked last time?'

    I want to get stronger. I want to commit to the long term goal of no one way relationships, no matter what.

    What do you want?

  4. #74
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    So have had a bit of time away from the site as was feeling like a constant disappointment with my Jekyll and Hyde self; full on commitment (or not) to quitting one second then smoking the next.

    I have smoked a lot over the past month(ish) but mainly at night after little one in bed. Life has been pretty shitty of late and have defo been using just to 'not think'. Some small benefits have happened in terms of getting off the weed permanently though, the main one being I am really not enjoying actually smoking anymore.

    Some reasons I hate smoking weed:

    I eat like shit, consequently I look and feel like shit; my skin, body shape, hair, everything... looks like crap. I'm groggy stoner tired all day then bum out and waste all evening doing not a lot. I don't enjoy the actual act of smoking, the throat burn, the coughing, the sore, dry throat and lungs, the standing in the winter cold outside.
    I hate the smell on my clothes, the 'going around the houses' just to get hold of the stuff or having to go into a shop with a baby to buy tobacco and rizla (and the inevitable looks as have a baby).
    I hate how my health is rubbish from the smoking, I am taking ages to get over coughs and colds, coughing nasty mucus up, headaches, shortness of breath, can't exercise properly, low motivation to do anything, little money as all spent on the evil stuff.

    There is more but I am tired and that will do for today.

    Small pat on my back for not smoking anything today.

  5. #75
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    So I've realised in order to tackle my weed addiction and get off it once and for all, I need to tackle the other major craps in my life, the main one being the dysfunctional partly on, partly off relationship between my son's father and I.

    It has dragged on for too long in a toxic manner, but, finally I feel strong enough emotionally to deal with getting out of it properly. I'm not very good at putting my own happiness first and have been 'persuaded' too many times in the past. This time things have to be different. Life is to short to be profoundly unhappy.

  6. #76
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    So yesterday I took some steps towards moving on from life with my toxic ex and have felt very empowered today as a result. Empowerment is good in a 'trying to beat an addiction' situation I think 🤔

    I made a point of telling all the people close to me (parents, friends, cousins) so defo no going back and reverting to the toxic on/off relationship that has been the past 6 years.

    The ex largely got the weed for me and I can honestly say I haven't thought about it once today as haven't seen him (small mercies). I just got into bed but don't feel that sleepy (for obvious reasons) and it sort of popped into my head to make a quick post here (I'm showing off as feel smug for being 2 days clean - sad I know!)

    No major withdrawal yet this time around but this is only my second weed free day (yay, small pat on the back for me).
    I did sweat like a pig in bed last night but also have a virus with a bit of a high temperature, so reckon it was that rather than the withdrawal sweats just yet.

    Night peeps, hope you're all ok. X

  7. #77
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    Hi Sunshine,

    I must say that it is really great to see how you are growing as a person as you write your journal. I can really see that every time you write, you learn a little bit more about yourself and get a little bit closer to the person you want to be.

    I just wanted to ask you what you would prefer with regard to support on your progress? I feel loathe to comment on your journal, when I feel like it might break your flow and discourage you from continuing to journal. I am like that sometimes. When I had my journal, it was mainly a tool for me to get my own thoughts on the page and when someone would comment, (sometimes) it would disrupt me, in a way. Not so much now, but back in the day, when I was emotionally sensitive, these things had an effect.

    Also, sometimes, as an outsider, I worry that my feedback might not support you and encourage you to continue. As I am not a psychologist, sometimes, it is hard to know exactly what to say!!

    Let me know your thoughts. Good luck with day three. It is so good to see you come so far.

    Cheers,
    Alice

  8. #78
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    Hi Alice,

    At the moment I'm feeling fairly emotionally stable and using the forum more as a virtual diary for my thoughts than feeling the need for 'support' as such (though admittedly that could all change in the blink of an eye knowing me 😂 )

    I get what you mean about disrupting flow. It's isn't so much that others posting disrupts my flow, more it sometimes has little relevance to how I'm feeling and what I need/want to write. I'm sorry if I've appeared rude not replying to your previous comment, not my intention at all, just didn't find it useful to dwell on why I keep going back to weed at the time, and part of me thinks it's as simple as 'I'm an addict'. Why does any addict go back to what they are addicted to? Because they are addicted! At the moment I'm not sure I want to go any further into it than that or pull up deep rooted psychological feelings. Something has just changed in me this week and I feel ready to try again.

    I'm sorry, that has been in a really wishy washy answer. Guess I'm not entirely sure what to say either 😊

    Thank you for always being kind and taking the time to post though. You are a rock for so many and have certainly made me think about things in the past.

    Take care xxx

  9. #79
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    Hi Sunshine,

    Not wishy washy at all. You answered my question completely. I guess I just wanted to know what your purpose was for your journal, and whether you were hoping for more support. My intuition was to just leave you write in peace, as I can see that you are moving forward with every post that you write. It is good to know that you aren't necessarily looking for support, although I hope that you would always feel free to ask for it, and if something really jumps out at me from your future posts, I will definitely chime in.

    Not to say that I am never going to post in your journal again, or won't be around. It is just so great to see your thought process develop.

    I didn't feel even slightly offended that you didn't reply to my previous message, but I did wonder if maybe it discouraged from continuing with your journal.

    Now who is being wishy washy? haha. . . it is funny.

    Have a great weekend and good luck with your new and baby quit. I know you have some stuff ahead of you, but it is so nice to be free of that stuff, really and truly.

    Good luck also with the toxic relationship.

    Cheers,
    Alice

  10. #80
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    Urgh, so having a stinking cold virus and quitting cannabis at the same time make for feeling very rough. My respiratory tract is coming back to life after a couple of days abstaining, which is great, but, when you're already bunged up, it doesn't half make for a hell of a cough. Still it's refreshing to see my body starting to clear out the crap.

    Was a sweaty mess again in bed last night. Think it probably is partially the quit attempt as well as the lurgy I have that's causing it at the moment. Touch wood but still zero desire to smoke and whilst I feel rough as a badgers behind this morning, I'm not yet spiralling into a depression or anything.

    Going to try and take it easy this morning, then off out to a baby sensory class with my son this afternoon. Quite excited for that as it's the last one of the term and a Christmas special; any excuse to wrap my little munchkin up like a present and coo over the cuteness. Babies in fancy dress are the way forward ����

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