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Thread: TTMO's quitting journey and journal

  1. #1
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    Thumbs up TTMO's quitting journey and journal

    It’s really Time To Move On!

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)



    I did something I had never done before. I threw out my weed. I flushed about 1 gram down the toilet. It wasn’t much but it was symbolic. I spoke to it, yelled at it, in a way I needed to say goodbye.

    I also threw out all baggies, rolling papers and gave away 8 lighters (none of which I had bought!)

    That was 6 days ago.

    I have been down this road so many times but I feel I have an edge this time around.

    My mind is foggy, unfocused and quite erratic to be honest but I feel better. I had been smoking pretty much daily for 18 years. I have been trying to stop for at least 4 years. That was when I admitted to myself that I had a problem with weed, that I was an addict. Somehow I have always rationalized my actions of getting high as being harmless. The reality is that I was not only hurting myself big time but my family who love me dearly and have no idea I had such a problem.

    I have been a reading and posting here for a while now and I don't want to write a novel that nobody will relate to. My goal is to evacuate my thoughts and find a way to cope with my bored mind. I desperately want to stay away from drugs and if I manage to get to the end of the year, that would be the nicest present I could ever wish for. I know I can do it. I just need to stay focused and remember that a castle it built one brick at the time.

    Time to move on, time to start building.

    Thank you for being here, thanks for reading and sharing your own thoughts.

    Timetomoveon

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  2. #2
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    Default

    Hey TTMO,

    Sounds like you are in a positive place, even though I know it must be challenging for you at the moment. I think that writing a journal is a brilliant idea. It really helps to reinforce your mindset.

    I look forward to reading your reflections. I think you would be surprised at how helpful other people will find your journal, and you are right of course, it is a great way to distract from boredom.

    Good luck!
    Alice

  3. #3
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    Default

    Thank you Alice for your words of wisdom. I got through the first week. Now today on day 9, I just feel sad. I have trouble keeping control of my emotions and feel like crying. I got some bad news last night and it will have a huge impact on my family's future. I have a ball in my throat, a knot in my stomach. I was sort of having a panic attack, which I had never had before. Having just stopped smoking weed is increasing the effects of my emotions. I find it hard.

    For years I had realized that I was lacking emotional intelligence and making poor judgement calls. My desire to stop came from thoughts of not being the best I could be. When looking at someone well spoken, accomplished and seemingly happy, I had started thinking that I could not be like that. I know this isn't true but hiding, avoiding and lying about my addiction has been deep in my personality over the last 18 years.

    I know I can beat this and become a better version of myself. I have been an extreme procrastinator as far as I can remember. I hope that I can improve on that front also.

    I just hope I can tame my temper these days because my frustration level is very high and I know my withdrawal is amplifying my reactions.

    Aside from tackling a to-do list, I made a like of things I must do EVERY day. Here's what I have so far:
    Be active (exercise)
    Be still (mindfulness)
    Be kind
    Listen
    Love
    Help
    Smile
    Read

    If you can think of more actions I can take daily to get my mind off weed, which has been so deeply embedded into my way of life, please share.

    Thank you.

    TTMO

  4. #4
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    Hi TTMO,

    I remember emotions being so much more raw and overpowering early on in your quit, so I think you need to add to your list some things about being KIND to yourself. It is easier to say this as a woman, but there are ways of really nurturing yourself when you are feeling sad. Music can be helpful, and spending time in bed reading a book or doing other things that make you feel good, can be helpful. The good news is that all that emotion does not stay around for long, and will turn into a much more emotionally intelligent and responsive mind state for your relationships and social interactions.

    I think it is good to focus on the person you want to be. That articulate and happy person can be you, if you focus on that as your goal and take small steps every day to becoming more like that person. It is hard, to get out of the habit of avoidant thinking and lying about your addiction, but if you are kind to yourself, and nurture yourself through this difficult time, you will really GROW. And that is something to be really PROUD of later on.

    I am intensely proud of how far I have come in the past 6 years. When people like my brother notice and say things like 'I am so proud of you. You are so strong' it really makes it so worthwhile. It is that kind of personal power that no one can take away from you, and that you can use to comfort yourself in difficult situations.

    I know that you are just at the beginning, but I think that your list of things to do will really help you to stay grounded. I think that READING is a great way to distract yourself from weed. Reading about cannabis addiction is a good way to distract yourself and to build your positive mindset.

    To add to that list, I would suggest that you do something small each day to reward yourself. Be kind to yourself TTMO, you are going through a tough time, and you deserve self love and kindness.

    Cheers,
    Alice.

  5. #5
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    Default Fighting the thoughts

    Hi all,

    First thank you Alice for your continuous support and constant great advice. Congrats and good luck on all your journeys.
    I haven't written much lately but I have been able to stay clear of weed for 2.5 full weeks, then relapsed for a week and now 6 days in and trying to keep my thoughts in check.

    What I've realized during my many relapses is that the psychological grab that weed has on me is incredibly strong. I am desperately trying to shake it off and visualize myself in years, without the substance impeding my progress but I always come back to the rationalization thoughts. As if something inside my brain was not letting me quit for good. I know I am craving the dopamine right now but how can I not feel like something is missing.
    18 years of daily smoking takes a toll on your body but I find, especially for the last 5 years, that it has taking a bigger toll on my mind.

    I tip my hat to everybody here reading and writing because it's damn hard. I'm thinking natural health products may help me cope with the thoughts. I don't want to create more chemical imbalances due to drugs but I am there now, I am at that point where I'll try any help I can think of. Has anyone tried Cannitrol or other weed quitting products? Did it work for you?

    The process has been long for me but I am still hopeful that I can move forward without having the feeling that a spliff will help me relax. Weed does this opposite, it creates anxiety, stress and poor judgement.

    Thank you for reading, good luck to all.

    And happy holiday!

    ttmo

  6. #6
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    Hi TTMO,

    It is great to hear that you have gathered yourself after your relapse, and are giving this another go. As much as I think it is important to live in the moment and utilise techniques such as mindfulness to help with that, I know exactly what you mean about looking towards the future. You know what your goal is. It doesn't change.

    I was wondering if you have ever considered getting some counselling? It sounds like CBT or something like that could be really helpful, if you are buying into these urges and cravings. I hope that you will keep practicing mindfulness. I think this would also help. Therapy can also be good, because it will really support you.

    I have never tried Cannitrol, or other herbal remedies except for green tea for the theanine. Maybe someone else has had experiences with these or other products?

    Keep up the good work!! This tough stuff definitely won't last forever!

    A very happy and peaceful holiday to you too!

    Cheers,
    Alice

  7. #7
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    Default My confession

    Hi Alice, thanks for your reply.

    I have a big secret... I am a secret smoker. I hide to get high. I smoke 6-7 week. My wife has no idea of my addiction. Only a few people know, facilitators you may call them.

    You are going to ask: How can you smoke weed daily for 18 years without your partner of 10 years knowing?

    I call it my "elusive 15 minutes". It's a little bit like cheating...I cheat with Mary-Jane. As soon as I have a moment I want to get high. But once I'm high, I don't want to be high anymore. I have to hide it at all costs.
    I have many tricks: Eye drops, never have weed at my house or with me. I smoke with a tie-wrap or a trombone. I find excuses, tons of them. I've had some close calls, lately. I am so close to being discovered but yet, I keep at it.
    I can't continue walking on the edge of the cliff. Consequences would be immense. Quitting weed is my only option.

    I have a million reasons to stop. None to continue except for going on auto-pilot, go back to something I know: weed and secret smoking.

    I will try to write here regularly and keep looking for answers, for MY WAY of quitting, for what works for me like Alice said it.
    I can't really count on anyone to understand what I go through when I stop. I know this forum can help me. I know I must stop. I tell myself "That's it" every day, and then tomorrow comes.

    Please write back, a conversation is always better than a monologue.

    Lets be hopeful for tomorrow...

    Thanks for reading.

    TTMO

  8. #8
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    Hi TTMO,

    I am really happy that you have opened up about hiding your cannabis use, because I think it will help you to start to address it. I really feel for you, and I wish I was a psychologist, because I am wondering if the fact that you are hiding your use adds another level of deviance, which is stopping you from really making progress with your quit.

    I guess you are right. It kind of is like an affair. May I ask, why you feel like you can't open up to your wife about your cannabis use? I do think that because you don't get support from your wife that you might really benefit from some form of drug and alcohol counselling. I guess that it might be hard to keep the counselling from your wife, but I feel like you definitely need support.

    Other people on this forum have felt like it is a good place to come, because they feel like they can't get support from other areas of their lives, and it feels like such a secret. I guess that is what you might be feeling too. I hope that you will come and post regularly, so that you can really build some momentum and gather strength for your quit.

    You are so right TTMO, everyone is different and you have to find a method of quitting that is right for you, whether it is cutting down or just cutting it off completely. I would say that distraction is a great tool for getting through the first few weeks of cannabis withdrawal, and that it can be good to read and read and post and post, as well as any other kind of distracting activity that will help distract your mind from the withdrawal.

    It sounds like you have really made your decision - 'quitting weed is my only option', which means that you now have to commit to that decision and everything that you feel in your withdrawal is just a temporary withdrawal symptom that you have to get through to get to your goal.

    To try and find your way of quitting, I would suggest just making a start. You are not going to know what works for you, until you try. Keep your goal in mind, and just keep at it. You do have some experience with quitting, so perhaps you can reflect on past quits and think about 'what worked last time'. Just because you haven't succeeded yet, doesn't mean that you haven't found a few tools that work for you. If you keep trying, one day it will click. I know that you can do this!

    I am hopeful that tomorrow will bring you added commitment and motivation. I hate to see you suffering and it seems to me that your cannabis use is making you suffer. Withdrawal effects might be uncomfortable, but they are temporary, and I believe they are nothing you can't handle.

    I guess that it is going to be tricky to hide the withdrawals from your wife and perhaps that is one of the reasons that you are reticent to start a quit? Perhaps you could just say that you have a flu, or something?

    Come back and talk all this out. I think it will help you!

    Good luck!
    Alice
    Last edited by Alice; 02-01-2017 at 09:54 PM.

  9. #9
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    Default Slowly building momentum

    Hi all,

    Alice: Thank you so much for your message. Your answers are truly heartfelt and although you may get "crickets" as mentioned in your other post, you give great advice that helps a lot. Your points are valid and usually allow me to reflect into my addiction at a new level. Your support is to be recognized fully on this forum. Thank you.

    So I had started to see a specialist last year about my desire to stop. Opening up to her was not early, after a few sessions I had began to not met all my goals and fell ashamed. Just like taking piano lessons and not practicing enough, hence not progressing, you begin to feel awkward sitting and telling half truths. I stopped going after maybe 3 month, where I was going once a week. I could surely look at going back, maybe group sessions would help.

    For the moment, I try to meditate, exercise and keep my mind as much as possible off weed. Because "the habit" is more fun than "the effect"(being high), I often find myself going on auto-pilot and incapable of not going through with smoking up. I've also always had a hard time saying no so I have to stay away from smokers.

    I'm not sure if anybody can relate to my story, whether I'm helping anyone but I am confident that most stoners should get rid of the habit.

    I will continue to try to feel good about myself and reinforce the fact that I don't need to smoke to feel normal. In fact, normality must be become when I am not high.

    One week at the time, one day at the time, one hour at the time. I have stayed away for 2 days now.

    Good luck to all.

    ttmo

  10. #10
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    Hi TTMO,

    It is so great to hear that you have made a good start. I think that most people would say that one week, one day, and one hour at a time is definitely the way to go.

    Thanks for your reassurance regarding my advice. I am happy that you got something out of my reply.

    How are you feeling today? How are the withdrawals going so far?

    I know exactly what you mean about the kind of therapy that forces you to meet goals week to week. It can be really intimidating and counter productive I think, because as you mentioned, you start to lie and then you feel less and less invested in it, until you stop going. To me the point of therapy is to turn up, and feel like you are not being judged or assessed. It seems to work better for me that way. And perhaps you are right. Perhaps group sessions would be better. Or another therapist. It can take some time to find a therapist who you click with.

    Maybe you feel as though you have to present yourself in a certain way to other people, and that is why you find it difficult to open up about things that you are ashamed of? I am wondering if that is the cause of not telling your wife as well. The job of the therapist you went to see though, is not to judge and not to make you feel like you were being judged.

    It is interesting what you said about the 'habit' of smoking. What do you mean by that? The ritual of lighting up at a certain time of day, or after a certain trigger, or something like that? I can really relate to the impetus to smoke versus the effect of smoking. I used to be the same. I would feel like it would be fun, but then often when I would get high, I hated the feeling of being out of control. I remember writing about it in a paper journal once, and looked back on that entry later when I was struggling to keep my motivation. It really brought back the sensation of being high and wishing that it had never happened. It was very helpful.

    It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Meditation and exercise are surely great ways to feel better as you are going through this difficult beginning bit. Go you!

    You are right of course. There is a new normal, and it is so nice TTMO. It is so lovely to feel balanced and calm and not all over the shop, as with cannabis.

    As for continuing to feel good about yourself. I think that achieving your goals in quitting cannabis will help to make you feel proud and good about yourself. The longer that you can abstain, the better you will feel in my opinion. There must be other ways of learning to feel good about yourself. I am learning about that right now!

    I am really rooting for you. You are doing all the right things, and it sounds like you have some real awareness about your addiction. Keep going!

    Cheers,
    Alice
    Last edited by Alice; 02-07-2017 at 01:45 AM.

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