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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #101
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    May 2017
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    Day PQ62/SQ1

    haha! pot-quit and sit-quit! I put in my labor for the day.

    A-hem: Up at 8 (woke early around 4 and went back to sleep). Made the bed and cleaned the room. Mowed the lawn, showered and dressed, swept the porch while waiting for storm-door delivery, door delivered, finished sweeping the porch, washed dishes and refilled water bottles, filed for unemployment and applied to UPS (interview Wednesday), took an hour for lunch, super-cleaned the fish tank and cleaned up after (usually everything sits for a week), super-sprayed a bee/wasp/hornet nest, practiced piano for 1.25 hours, called my mom. Done.

    Results: I am not lamenting laziness, I only smoked maybe 6-8 cigarettes by 5 today, as opposed to the 20 I smoked by 5 yesterday, I feel like I earned the next 6 hours of sitting on my butt, and stuff got done.

    I didn't exactly plan what to do - I just started one thing and kept going with whatever caught my eye next. I have a feeling that if I'd planned it, I wouldn't have done everything I planned. Most importantly, I'm psyched that I put in practice time. Scales and everything! Can't wait to do it again tomorrow! I want my piano skills back...it's just an imperative.

    Ooh...movie of the night chosen - Real Genius with Val Kilmer. "You have to get even with Jerry Hathaway. It's a moral imperative!"

    My thumbs and wrists hurt, and the tip of the ring finger on my left hand was numb for a while after practice (still is a bit), but I feel awesome that I did it! And noticed something crazy - one of the books of scales that I have was owned by someone in my family (or a friend of the family) way back in the day. It has lesson notes dated in 1956. Cool!

    So...it's 6 pm, about the time one would get home from a 8-5 job. I've earned the right to grab a beer and sit on my butt for the rest of the night. Time to re-fall-in-love with Val Kilmer. "I was thinking on the immortal words of Socrates when he said...'I drank what?'."

    Ciao!
    -Busted

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  2. #102
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    Jul 2015
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    Wow! Sounds like you really got a lot of shit done today! Congrats on your epic piano practice session.

    Enjoy your beer and your movie

  3. #103
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    Jul 2015
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    Melbourne, Australia
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    hi Busted!

    On the subject of music, I was wondering if you have ever listened to the Dresden Dolls? They seem to be quite well known among people of our generation. We saw Amanda Palmer perform at an art gallery evening recently. So good. They are kind of cabaret music. Perfect for withdrawals, aggression or any other emotional state that sympathises with drama.
    If you haven't heard them before, maybe start with the album 'The Dresden Dolls' or 'Yes, Virginia'. So good!!

    Have a great day / evening / sleep!!

  4. #104
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    May 2017
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    Pennsylvania
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    Day PQ63/SQ2

    Ok, I spoke too soon about the piano thing. Had I known yesterday that I'd be beating the crap out of my hand with a hammer today, I wouldn't have promised to practice. As it is, my left hand is in a realm beyond hurt. I hit my thumb around 8 times, my index finger 3 times, and the pain is radiating all around my hand in waves of ouch.

    I did get a small project done, at the expense of my hand. I re-secured the trim around my front porch. When I got it done (on a discount program thing), the contractors weren't too thorough (probably due to the discount price). So there were gaps and little bulges in the trim that all sorts of things were living behind. I evicted 3 wasps and a dozen spiders. Can't get back in now, you little buggers.

    Oh, speaking of wasps - that war yesterday wasn't bees, it was wasps. And the spray I used didn't do squat. So today I learned something new (validated afterwards by looking it up to see if anyone else thought of it)...WD40 lubricant (water displacement whatever). Yeah, killed the little buggers dead nearly on contact. I sprayed it up in the little crack they were flying in and out of, and after a while, they flew in but didn't come back out. haha! Die, ya little monsters! I saw online that some sort of brake cleaner fluid works as well. I didn't feel like going out and buying bug spray, so I used what I had - and I have 4 cans of WD40 laying around the house. I didn't expect it to work, but it did a number on a raccoon one night...why not try insects. Woo! So yeah, all purpose de-ruster, lubricating spray nozzle liquid will kill wasps on contact.

    After that, since I was outside, grabbed the hammer and nails and proceeded to abuse my hand. I'm typing with my pinky, ring finger and middle finger on the left hand because the others hurt like hell. I applied some Icy/Hot, some Lidocaine ointment, and took some tylenol. Better kick in quick...hurts.

    no playing today.

    At least I got some stuff done.

    I'll have to check out Dresden Dolls. Never heard of them. Thanks for the info.

    -Busted-hand Busted

  5. #105
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    Jul 2015
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    Melbourne, Australia
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    Hi Busted,

    I am sorry to hear about your hand. That sounds really painful.

    Is your job interview tomorrow? Wishing you the best of luck!

    Congrats on a productive day. I hope your hand feels better soon.

    Cheers,
    Alice

  6. #106
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Pennsylvania
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    Greetings!

    PQ-66/SQ5

    I shouldn't count this as a Sit-quit day since I've been reading UPS forum posts all day. Got the job! I have orientation on Monday and hopefully start the Monday after. I told them the 14th so that I can get my sleep schedule adjusted. I'll find out at orientation what the actual start date is. It's going to be night shift, for very little $$, but I want to get into the company, so I'll suffer through it. I've always wanted to work for them, but have never been in a financial or insurance position to start at the bottom. I can do it now, so I'm doing it. Woo!

    I managed to play one song Tuesday night, even though I said I wouldn't. I did full practice last night and plan to do it again tonight.

    Tried to tell my mom how psyched I was about this job, but all I could hear from her was disappointment. "It seems like you just settle for things." No...I'm not settling...I'm finally getting into a place I've always wanted to be. It just so happens that the ONLY way to get in there is at the bottom. No problem. It took 2 days to get a job (5 if you count applying on Monday): interview Wednesday morning, second interview Wednesday night, offer this morning. Fastest ever! Yay!

    Why do moms only have that one tone of voice - disappointment. It's so not-helpful.

    I'll admit, I was looking on their forum for info about drug testing. They didn't say anything about it to me for this job, so I wondered where it kicks in during the process. Apparently it's only if there's an incident, or if I'm going for a large-truck driving job. Eh...oh well. It's just odd that they didn't say a thing. Not going to press my luck anyway.

    Aside from that, nothing going on. I was thinking of working on the wall today, but while doing groceries I heard it was going to rain so I didn't bother. Good thing too...I got home and 30 minutes later it was dark and stormy. Of course, the storm was 15 minutes of hurricane-style rain and wind, and it's now beautiful and sunny again. It's a riot living on top of a mountain (well, I suppose most mountain regions would call this a hill, but they call it a mountain here.)

    Well, I think I'm going to get my lesson out of the way now rather than later. RollerCoaster Tycoon is calling me, and I still haven't finished watching the movie they interrupted when they called to offer me the job.

    Have a good day people!

    -Busted

  7. #107
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    Jul 2015
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    Melbourne, Australia
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    Congratulations on your job! That is awesome Well done! Xx

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)


  8. #108
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    May 2017
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    Pennsylvania
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    Greetings,

    Well, it's been a while. Mostly because I haven't had much to say. 9 days, so that makes it PQ75/SQ14. Though I really should just forget the Sit-Quit thing. I don't know who I'm kidding. I'm not an active, productive, or motivated person. I can beat myself up all I want, I can come up with plans until I'm blue in the face, I can announce them on the cover of Time Magazine. It won't matter. I'll stick to it for a few days - a week at most, and then back to the same-old same-old. Ask the $75 worth of aerobics videos or $120 exercise bike that I bought 3 years ago, opened, and haven't touched since.

    The problem is that I can't just accept it. And no, that actually does not mean I want to change it, no matter what I say. I'm happy doing nothing, I enjoy my down-time. In fact, I view keeping busy as a sin, mostly. Life is too darned short to be productive every waking minute. It just is. Enjoy life. It could end at any second, right? I'd rather have my last thoughts be "yay! I beat that game" or "wow, that was a great book" than "hooray, I stayed busy all day". That's not a 'hooray' moment, it's a 'damn, now I'm too tired to relax' moment.

    And I know where it comes from, this constant self-abuse over my laziness. My mother. She tried to make me one of those busy-busy people. She tried to make me feel that it was what worthwhile people did with their lives. And I hated it. I still hate it. And now that she has next to nothing to keep her busy, she's miserable. She doesn't have a clue how to relax and enjoy down-time. I don't want to be that person. I appreciate, enjoy, and have no problem filling my down-time. I won't be her. I don't, nor did I ever, want to be her.

    Yet...that damned voice is what keeps me whining that I should be doing something. And rebelling against that voice keeps me from living my life at my pace. My pace is bad, it says. I should be doing something with my time, it says. And in hating that whining nag of a voice, I don't listen to the one waving its hands frantically saying "but I want to do blah-blah, and since it's MY idea, it's ok! Ignore the voice! Listen to me! Hellooooo! Over here!" The one telling me that just going outside and fixing the leaking gutter will be enough triumph for the day. I don't have to keep going...just do that one thing. Nope...Rebellion says "no, that's another nag! Not gonna do it. Nope nope nope!"

    Even though I have managed to make a lesson routine for when I touch the piano, it still is not happening every day.

    Yesterday I told myself, what if I just wake up and clean for a few hours each morning. That's a good way to start the day. Why not?

    This morning I woke up, thought of coffee and food and the game I was playing last night, listened to some music and stretched for a song on my front porch, and sat down to play.

    Now I keep telling myself "fix the gutter", "mow the backyard", "install the basement speakers", "work on the porch wall". I don't want to do any of that. I don't want to be nagged, by my mother or myself or anyone else. I'll do it when I damn well feel like it. If all I get done today is washing the last load of laundry that's been sitting for a week, then so be it. It's currently in the dryer, waiting to be folded and put away. I probably won't feel like it, won't do it, and will subsequently beat myself up for it. Maybe I just need to beat myself up. Maybe it's a psychosis...not happy unless self-demoralizing. Sounds really stupid.

    I did some things over the past week. I finally got my basement storm door installed, and have been enjoying just stepping out the door to putz in the backyard for a minute or two. Can't get it past 10 minutes, but hey, why should I? I did pull out the speaker wire to run speakers to the basement...but that will probably lay around the living room for a week or two until I feel like going through the dirty job of running the wire through the floor. I did work on the wall earlier this week, but honestly, I promised myself I'd work on it every day until it was done...like two weeks ago. If I'd stuck to it, it would be done by now. But that doesn't motivate me. I have to feel like doing something or I won't do it, and nagging myself will just make me rebel even stronger.

    Now, I know that this is how I work...so why do I feel the need to nag myself? Why does it feel like nagging? Why can't it just be an idea that does or doesn't happen, no big deal? Because of her/mother...that's why. And I feel like an idiot because I'm still stuck on it. I've been a free adult for 20 years. Why is her voice still in my head nagging me and making me rebel against my own mind? Every time I try to be ok with doing nothing, I get depressed and hate myself. It's her fault. Her nagging voice, her disappointment looking down its nose at me, and me believing it when I should tell it to F off! It's like constantly letting the bully who's smaller than you beat you up, and then going home angry that you didn't defend yourself, instead of finally defending yourself and giving that little cretin what-for.

    Hmmm...analyzing that for a second...fear of closing the book on the issue? Fear of follow-through? Fear of not being able to live up to what you've set in front of yourself? Hell...that's my modus operandi (sp?). I just told all of you that I was done sitting on my butt...did I live up to it? No. I promised myself I'd finish the wall in 2 weeks...no. I swore I'd fix that darned gutter 3 years ago, and then finally bought the right ladder and still haven't fixed it. Doing it means it's done...getting it done means there's nothing else to do (which is total BullS!). I've remodeled 3 rooms in my house so far, and none of them are 100% finished. I need a new bathroom door, I need to get curtains for the Den, and I need to re-do the kitchen floor. I could just get to it...buy a darned door, buy some curtains or fabric to make curtains (actually I did, but my sewing machine died and I've put off buying a new one)...and granted, the kitchen floor was on hold until I got a storm door for the back and stopped tromping dirt through the kitchen...but I could have at least bought the materials by now. And all of that is not including the fact that I've been here for 7 years now and have only done 3 out of 8 rooms.

    Slow but steady wins the race, sure...but in the grand scheme I'm moseying while the world is sprinting. The race was over ages ago and I'm only 1/4 of the way through. Ugh...that's her again, I think. Comparing me to the rest of the world. What do I know about the rest of the world? There are probably plenty of people out there in the same boat I am, and thinking that they're shit for it in comparison to everyone else.

    It's only 2 in the afternoon, and all I want to do is crack open a beer and go back to SimCity4. I checked the weather hoping it would rain today and I'd have an excuse to do nothing, but it's just going to be partly cloudy. So if I don't do something to take advantage of the ok weather, I'm going to feel like a waste of skin. But who says I have to do anything? I mean honestly, even if I had a social circle, we'd probably be sitting somewhere together doing nothing, not out doing some activity. Yet I whine that I'd like to do things. Do I really want to, or is it that nagging voice telling me that I'm a waste of skin if I don't?

    Ugh...Can't win...just can't. So who am I kidding. We'll just ix-nay on the sit-quit thing before I berate myself any further for not sticking to it. 'Cause I know good and darned well that I won't stick to anything that makes me 'have to' do something. I'll do if I want, and won't do if I don't want to. It's as simple as that. And my mother and sister berating me for only doing what I want to do shouldn't mean a darned thing. Stop listening to them! It's my life and I'll live it or not live it however I please. They both can go shrivel up.

    One of these days I'll want to fix the gutter...one of these days.

    Now...I feel a little better...angry yet validated. F them! I have a city to build and link to another city so that commerce and employment flows freely. Time for a beer.

    -Busted

    (Oh...the job thing is still up in the air. I applied for a warehouse job, they asked me if I wanted to test for driving, I was supposed to test Friday, now it's postponed until tomorrow. So I guess I won't be doing the warehouse thing. Good. Not too keen on working overnight if I can help it. -BW)

    (Oh, and I still really want to smoke. Really missed it on Wednesday when we got the door installed and felt all triumphant. Drinking is not celebration. I most likely WILL go back once my employment situation is squared away. I quit to change things that didn't change, and then stayed quit for employment drug testing that may or may not happen. Once I know for sure, I'm gonna celebrate the right way. Sorry if that's a let-down, but it's my choice. I'd rather smoke than drink, and starting over will hopefully tone it back some. Won't happen any time soon, but it will happen eventually. And I got more done on a daily basis when I was smoking than now when I haven't been. -BW)

  9. #109
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    Melbourne, Australia
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    Hi Busted,

    It really sounds as though you are quite proactive with the upkeep of your house. My mind boggles at some of the things that you are going to fix (wiring under the floor, fixing the gutter etc). I think it is amazing. I also think these things will get done in time.

    I think the most important thing is that when you are choosing activities to 'stay busy' you choose things that are important to you, and will get you closer to a life that is valuable to you. Everyone has stuff in their lives that they don't want to do, and feel like they have to do. I am wondering if maybe you are fused with the 'thought' or the 'story' that you are incapable of doing the things that you 'have to do'. There are a variety of ways that you can defuse these thoughts and get some distance from them so that they don't bother you as much.

    In my experience with things that I don't want to do, there can be something very special about the feeling of reward that you get when you do complete a task that you were not looking forward to or putting off. Have you ever experienced this?

    I am sorry to hear that you are struggling in your relationship with your mum. She won't change. But you are definitely not alone in a challenging relationship with your mum. It can be a difficult relationship. Again, I think that maybe defusion can help with those thoughts and judgements that she has ingrained in you growing up. It is possible to 'flick' these thoughts, so that even if they are there, they don't bother you.

    It sounds as though you have made the decision to go back to cannabis. Your body, your choice! When I read your words I started to romance it a bit myself, especially since I have recently become Facebook friends with a guy who can probably hook me up in this new city. It would be so easy. However, I look back at my life ten years ago, when I started regularly smoking cannabis, or three years ago when I took it up again. It seems so messy and chaotic. I often berate myself for wasting so many years both smoking weed and other pointless behaviours. I feel like I wasted so many years. I don't want to go back! Especially because I would really get 'high' and get all sorts of ideas and plans that never went anywhere. It was such a waste of time and energy.

    It can be hard to make the assessment about whether life is actually better for you, when your quit is so new, but you have been quit for over 10 weeks now, so I guess you might have a hint at what is to come. If the benefits don't outweigh the costs, then that is your prerogative. I found that I needed to put in extra effort to get the benefits of living cannabis free. But it sounds like it hasn't had as much of an impact on your life, so perhaps you are more inclined to smoke again. That is your choice!

    I am curious to know if looking back on your life since you started smoking cannabis regularly, does it look messy or disconnected? Would you have got off your arse to get a job if you had been smoking? I am not judging. I guess I am just hoping that you will think about these things.

    By the way, congrats on all these job possibilities. They sound really positive.

    I hope you have a fantastic day and a wonderful evening Those beers sound nice. Sunday afternoon beers are the perfect treat! I hope they were enjoyable!

    Cheers,
    Alice

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