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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #111
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    (Edit 082517 - apparently the pictures didn't work, so I'm just deleting them. Oh well. Ok, just tried to delete them and one showed up. weird. Nope - not working and can't delete them. Grrr...)


    Ok, so this is probably the best picture I got - hopefully it'll post. It's not at peak - haze crossed the sky and fuzzed the edges of the pinhole image at peak. This is at about 2 pm (peak was at 2:35), but you can see the little dark part moving to cross the circle.

    Pinhole dohickey was as follows: One case of beer - empty and with one large side cut off. A hole cut into the remaining large side was covered with a piece of foil with a roughly 1 cm hole poked through it (maybe less than 1 cm, but it was about 3/8 inch hole - whatever the conversion is from 3/8 in. to cm). This was balanced to shine down on a piece of paper, and voila! pinhole picture of eclipse-ness. Woo!

    I was rather miffed that haze came through to block the sharpness of the image at peak time. It was all fuzzy and un-cool. At least it wasn't CLOUDY-cloudy and making me miss it.

    Fun note - small moments with my sister remind me of why I try to get along with her. I sent her a picture and she sent me one back, and we cheered the eclipse via text - me with a beer, her with a mojito (funky drink). So at that moment we were on the same page.

    On that note, I'm going to get in some loafing, computer-gaming time while I can. It's 20 minutes to 4 pm...so I'll probably stay up until 5 instead. Nuke some taco dinner and play Rollercoaster Tycoon.

    Happy Eclipse Day, peoples! I hope this little half-ghetto picture of mine helps you enjoy the festivities with the rest of us. Yay!

    Side Note: I loved that TV show 'Heroes', where everyone gets super powers on the day of an eclipse. Let's just say that for a moment I basked in the rays and hoped for the best. haha! Right. I know...sci-fi...but if I wake up tomorrow able to do something amazing like fly or turn invisible or even just cook food with heat vision...haha! I'll keep you posted on super power development. -Busted
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    Last edited by BustedWagon; 08-25-2017 at 02:48 AM.

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  2. #112
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    Hi Busted,

    83 days is amazing Congrats to you and congrats on the job. It sounds great if you are getting physical exercise as well as working!

    Your words about craving cannabis and thinking about cannabis so intently at the moment reminded me of when I was just shy of three months quit. I am pretty sure that this is a crucial period in your quit because the last of the cannabis receptors are shutting down and so craving and thinking about cannabis is very common. I was absolutely climbing the walls at that point. I had to come to this forum almost every day to talk myself down. It got much better after that though.

    I guess if your work culture is pro cannabis that it might be harder to keep the mindset to stay quit. With regard to the fact that not much as changed in your life since you stopped smoking, I would only mention what my psychologist said to me the other day about 'dead mans goals' or making goals that a dead man could do better than you (ie. smoking less weed). The goals that will help you to get a better life are things that will bring more value to your life. You do have to put in the effort. You can't just stop smoking weed and expect things to magically change. The point for me, is that it is easier to make positive changes in my life now. Each to their own though

    In any case, you know yourself better than anyone, and you know what is good for you. It would be nice to go back to smoking less, or not getting on such a wheel with cannabis, as you identified, but I am not sure it is possible. We all get back to the level we were smoking, because of the receptors in our brains.

    Your eclipse experience sounds absolutely amazing. I am so glad that you had the opportunity to see it. We didn't see it here in Australia. I couldn't view your photos (not sure why), but I saw some in the news here, and it looked like an incredible experience. I wish that I could have seen your photos though, because it would have been great to see what you saw!

    It is so cool that you are a fix-it and that you have bought your house with the intention of fixing things in it. I think that is so cool! I don't think that guys would be intimidated by that!

    I hope you are having a super week and getting used to your new shift hours. It sounds like you are enjoying it so far?!

    Cheers,
    Alice

  3. #113
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    Ok, after several stupid moments, I finally realized I can't delete the images. Oh well. Sorry they don't work.

    PQ87

    It's nearly 2 am. I should be at work now but I basically begged for the night off. Being a good little employee, on Monday I asked if they needed me to stay later, which pleased management and made me look good. Bad idea. They asked me to stay for "a couple extra hours" on Tuesday. "Sure", I thought. "I can handle 2 more hours." I should have asked what "a couple extra hours" meant. They intended me to stay for the whole second shift (4.5 more hours).

    Ohhhhhh the pain!

    My body is still aching and its 2 days later. I worked the next night too (last night), and today I could barely use my hands or bend my knees. So sore it's unbelievable. Ibuprofen is not helping at all. So I called in tonight to see if I was on the schedule. Yes indeed! GROAN! I basically begged/whined to have a break. I mean really, it's only my second week at this job, and really only my 7th day doing it. I was mistaken to be a good little grunt so soon, but I couldn't help it. Had to offer to make sure they didn't think I was a slacker (which honestly I am).

    Of course, I still took a nap this evening just in case...and now I'm wide awake (and hungry). I'm hoping a few beers will make me sleepy soon.

    Someone is outside tonight - the neighbor dogs are barking. Go away, people! I need to put a spotlight on the side of my house. I'd have done it by now, but electrical work is not my strong suit, and I'm not sure how to wire it down into the back porch switch so that I can turn them both on at the same time. If there was light out there, they wouldn't be tempted to hang out and do whatever next to my house. Spotted a flashlight earlier. Turds.

    I don't know if I'd call this a crave thing (though from outside perspective it probably sounds like it). If I was craving I think I'd be having a harder time telling myself to wait. The arguments to get some now would be more convincing than the argument to hold out a little longer. I'm not climbing the walls, per se, just wishing. I guess it's more akin to someone taking the bus to work because it's cheaper than driving, but missing their car, rather than someone who drinks coffee all the time and is psychotically irritable without it. Or I could just be rationalizing. haha! I'm at least thankful that I never got into the high-end stuff, nor became one of those people who smokes at work. I probably would be in crave hell then. I just always separated the activities, and got what I needed out of regular stuff. Talking to these people at work...it's like...it's just really unbelievable. Talking to one person, I lied and said I'd quit 3 years ago. Since he always talks about it I felt that I had to have something to say so that I didn't slip up. We got on the discussion of type, and he was appalled that I was happy smoking regular. Yet he smokes high-end ALL day (including at work), so it figures he would think that it didn't do anything. After my quit experience, I know that he'd probably go insane if he had to quit. It made me feel better. I thought I smoked too much...but at least when I'm working I have 8-10 hours of downtime per weekday (not including sleep). I bet they wake up in the middle of the night to toke some more when it starts to wear off. Crazy. So I managed at least to keep some control. It's just when I'm not working...and I loved wake-and-bake on the weekends. Sunrise, coffee, breakfast and a bowl. Yay!

    I will never become a high-end fiend. A) it's too darned strong and the effects are not cool, and B) once you go there you can't go back. I'd rather be able to enjoy regular and sometimes indulge in high-end, then blow tons of money on high-end only to need more and more to get the same effect. Regular-brew coffee, not Dark Roast. Honda, not Lexus. Fans, not air conditioning. See what I mean?

    Anyway, it'll be a few more months at least before I feel secure enough in the job situation to re-evaluate my quit. Who knows how I'll feel by then. Sleeping 8 hours would be nice though.

    Speaking of sleep...a weird thing has happened that I don't know how to take. I've had a sort-of waking dream at least twice now that doesn't feel dream-like...yet it has to be or the universe just got crazier. I think (think, now) that I was visited by my old dog...who's been dead for 24 years. I KNOW! IT'S INSANE! It has only happened when I've been dreaming about some other dog - interacting with it, not just seeing it. I'd pet or play with the dream dog, and then hear myself say something to it (you know, when you can tell that you said something out loud in your sleep and are about to wake up). Then, suddenly I'm in my actual bed (actual pajamas, actual position I'm sleeping in), and feel something licking my face. I open my eyes and my bed is in the dream location but I feel the sheets and the fan on in the room and hear the birds outside...and my old dog is licking my face and nuzzling me. The first time I was sleeping on my back, and I felt her step on my shoulder, the second time I was on my stomach with the pillow over my head and she nudged the pillow out of the way. So I sit up and hug her and she's licking my face and her tail is wagging, and then she starts this choking cough. (Wait...history: She died from a heart condition/water in the lungs thing that made her choke/cough this horrible body-heaving gag. It was bad.) So I put her down, she hacks and a little blood spits out of her mouth, and then...this is the weird part...she looks away from me as though seeing someone standing in front of us. Her tail stops wagging, she glances at me again before looking at the 'whatever', and then I wake up fully.

    It's CRAZY! Twice it has happened this way - almost like a recurring dream except the sheets change depending on what's on my bed, my sleeping position when she wakes me is the same as how I am in the bed, and it's always (and only) after I've interacted with some dog in a dream. What really makes it nuts is that it seems like a visit, not a dream. I wake up feeling dog slobber on my face and smelling dog. I don't have a dog. And the things that recur are weird too...after a short bit of hugging, she starts to choke. After the choking she always looks up and her tail stops wagging. I'm not a religious person by any stretch, but it's like she's seeing someone...either they're telling her it's time to go, or she got caught sneaking out. And the choke thing...it's disturbing. I knew what was happening the first time I heard it and like we used to, I knew to put her down to let her get it over-with. Yet...how many ways can I think about that? Was it a "she encountered me and it was a reaction to me" thing? Or has she been reliving her death for 24 years? But it happened both times. I'm actually eager to find another dog in a dream and see if it happens again. Though...talking about it might have jinxed it now. I've had dreams that she's been running around in the background, but this was WAY different.

    I loved that dog - grew up with her. I'm the one who found her dead. I was 15 or 16. It just really felt like she found a hole in limbo (or someone opened it for her), and came to visit when my subconscious mind was open to DOG.

    Wild.

    Anyway, that's my spiritual ghostie moment for you all. It's 2:40 am...what do you expect me to talk about? haha! I hope I didn't jinx the vibe...I'd love to see her again. Crazy universe!

    Have a good one people!

    -Busted
    Last edited by BustedWagon; 08-25-2017 at 03:46 AM.

  4. #114
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    hi Busted,

    Haven't heard from you in a while!! How are things going with that new job? Still working the night shift?

    I hope that everything is going well and that you are having a nice week?! It was my birthday on the weekend and I had such a great time. We went out for drinks and dinner and I treated myself to a few little things. Do you like birthdays?

    Let us know how you are going!

    Alice

  5. #115
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    Still alive.

    Happy Belated Birthday, Alice!

    So...there are moments of clarity, in which you realize that, though you knew it all along, you just didn't realize the full extent of what that knowledge reveals.

    Namely, you're a screw-up. Or in a state of screw-up mode. And there is no excuse for it. Can't be blamed on any good or bad thing, can only be blamed on self. So what do you do with that knowledge? How do you use it to remedy the problem? Does it actually give you the wisdom needed to fix things, or is it just a self-directed magnifying glass that got a good windex shine just in time to smack you upside the head with a colossal "DUH - you're just screwed" moment?

    Makes one want to break the magnifying glass and remain blissfully ignorant.

    Some things are ingrained and just who we are. Some things are a short circuit in the wiring that can be fixed if we want to. How to tell the difference...

    I still don't know.

    Still alive.

    -Busted

  6. #116
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    Hi Busted,

    And thanks. Good to hear that you are still around. How is your abstinence going?

    With regard to the thought you have been having lately, 'that you are a screw up'. I just wonder if that is actually useful? If you pay attention to this thought, then does it inspire you to take steps to being the person you want to be? Does it help you to grow? Thoughts like that are just words, and stories. They may be true, and they may be valid, but if they are not helpful, then what is the point of hooking up on them?

    It is never too late to work towards being the person you want to be. Who is that person? And what is one small thing that you can do today to get a step closer to being her?

    Good to hear from you!
    Alice

  7. #117
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    Hi Busted,

    I often get to these messages in the morning when I am fired up about the day. Sorry if it comes across as a bit much.

    How are you doing? What has been happening in your world?

    Cheers,
    Alice

  8. #118
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    G'morning all.

    Happy Birthday to me...such as it is.

    The Job Dream (or should I say "Dream Job") is circling the drain due to lack of compassion on the part of others. I mean, when it's the first time you do something, even if you're super excited to do it, the natural reaction is to be nervous. But no...nervous isn't acceptable. 'Nervous at first' apparently means that I'd be nervous forever and cause accidents and destruction. At least, that's how my supervisor sees it. B**ch. No thought to the fact that even though my hands were shaking, I didn't hit anything driving that massive truck for the first time. And my hands stopped shaking after the first stop, even though I was still nervous. Things improve in stages...you can't just be Gung-Ho Confident right off the bat. That leads to sloppiness and screw-ups. I'm sure I would have done better today if they'd let me drive again (with a supervisor present - not by myself), but no...she demoted me to just a helper.

    Heck, I knew this was coming by 11 am yesterday. "Are you trembling? Are you kidding me?!" And then when we were finished for the night, she asked if I wanted to drive back. Now...if she wanted me to, she wouldn't have asked, she would have just sat in the passenger seat and let me get behind the wheel. Ergo - she didn't want me to drive back. So I said no. That was the nail in the coffin...

    So yeah, this cockamamie scheme of mine is apparently over. And if it is, I don't intend to stay with this company. I'll work until after the holidays just to finish out the year, then I'm going to drag my butt back to the agencies and office life. I can get a decent paycheck regularly and steadily, have regular hours, and generally go back to regular life. Fine. I didn't want to, I wanted to stay away from office life, but I guess that's where I'm stuck. So I'm not even going to go for some prestigious position. I'll be a billing clerk or something stupid for $12-$15/hour, work my 9-5 plus lunch, hopefully go back to taking the bus and saving my car, and forget that any of this Delivery Driver Dream madness every happened.

    That woman never wanted me there anyway. She's the one who kept putting off meeting on Saturday for practice throughout the autumn months. And she had the nerve to tell me "you should have been failed right away, not given practice". Yeah, well whose fault is that? I didn't ask for special treatment, it was dumped on me. I just went with it in the hopes that something would work out. So don't blame me that someone else made me waste your time. I could have been 4 months into a cushy stupid office job by now, endlessly staring at a computer screen for money and not nearly broke from making only $10/hour for the past 4 months. From $17/hour to $10. Yeah...all that for a dream.

    F dreaming. F the company.

    So now I'm sitting here waiting to go meet some other driver to help him all day. Probably back to $10/hour for this crap. I think I was at $18 for about 6 days. woo...gag me.

    Oh, and yes, I did start smoking again - a while ago - because I wanted to and I could. Depending on where I try to go after this, I might be stopping again soon - at least I know how long it would take. And since I'm running around doing manual labor, maybe it won't take as long. who knows. I know one thing - even though I'm already in the company, I'm not going to their corporate branch. If I'm going back to an office, I'm going downtown and I'm going to take the bus again (if I can help it).

    Dammit...so mad and disappointed right now. So I was nervous. Excuuuuuuuse the heck out of me! I'm not an over-confident j*rk.

    Sometimes you need Norman Greenbaum...I'm not a religious person, but Spirit in the Sky is probably one of the greatest songs ever. Followed closely by Tommy James - Draggin the Line.

    Ok, it's just feel-good music time - some Redbone next. "Come and get your love!"

    Getting better by the minute.

    I guess I never really had any ambition because I get nervous about screwing it up. I can do anything - really I can - I just can't claim to be perfect right away. I'm not so egotistical as to think that I would. I take my time, and my nervousness is a mechanism by which I can be sure that I don't mess up. My awareness is heightened when I'm nervous, I pay MORE attention, not less. And it FADES over time as I get comfortable. It might take a month, it might take an hour, but it does take time.

    That darned B*tch. "When I walk you'd better be in front of me or beside me. Pick it up!" "What, is this too stressful for you already? What are you muttering about?"

    Y'know...you might take the time to ask me or at least think from my perspective before you assume I'm an idiot. How am I supposed to learn if I just follow along like a robot? I'm supposed to learn this, so I'm taking it in to learn it. Running along to keep up with you will make me miss stuff. Muttering to myself? Keeping my thoughts of what I'm supposed to be doing in order, you odious beast. But oh no, you lump that in with "she can't do this" and have your mind made up.

    I didn't hit a darned thing, in heavy traffic, on narrow crowded streets...NOTHING!!!

    Yeah...she kept harping that if I was going to be upset so easily, then this job wasn't for me. She doesn't know upset. I was frazzled but keeping it together utilizing my coping mechanisms. Something tells me she doesn't have coping mechanisms. She said her first day she was bawling in the street. Well I didn't shed a tear, b**ch, not even after I got home where I could cry in private if I wanted to. Because I don't do that! I didn't fail yesterday, she failed me. There's a difference.

    She set herself up for disappointment, really. The moment I got in the truck she said "I want to be done before it rains this afternoon." Right. You're going to have me driving for the first time, which means I'm going to be basically doing the whole thing by myself, and you want to put a deadline on it? After you give me more to do than we had the day before? There's logic for you. Ain't my fault you were out until 3 am Wednesday night and got no sleep. Don't take it out on me.

    And I know that the job depends on quickness and efficiency. I get that. But you want that on the first go? That's like expecting a tightrope walker-trainee to do flips the first time they step on the line, or a medical student to do flawless open-heart surgery on their first day of school.

    I was warned, by many who've done the job before, but you take those warnings with a grain of salt because people can be bitter. I didn't expect ease, I didn't expect hand holding, I didn't even expect patience - ok, maybe a little. But I did expect them to understand how "the first time" works. Heck, we were all virgins once (some still are). We SHOULD understand "first time jitters".

    But what do I know. I'm not a bitter, jaded, power-hungry B**ch. If she'd had me drive today, with supervision just to feel a little more protected, I probably would have done much better than I did yesterday. But no. They wanted to throw me to the wolves, and her pre-conceived notion that I can't handle it made her decide not to let me drive anymore. If they think I was afraid to do the job, they're wrong. I was just highly aware of the fact that I was driving something I was not comfortable with yet, and hyper-actively aware of everything around the vehicle that I could accidentally side-swipe, hit, or otherwise damage. AND I DIDN'T HIT A G-D THING!

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    turds.

    Fine, I'll go back to the easy-yet-unfulfilling life of an office junkie. I'll go back to business casual clothes and actually having nails to paint. I'll go back to taking nice long lunchtime walks that dropped me several clothing sizes and kept me happily zen.

    Hmmm...Sesame Street's "Follow That Bird" debuted today in 1985 (radio just said so). I forgot it was on my birthday. No wonder I love that movie. As a matter of fact, I need to go find some of those happy songs. "Upside-down World" by Bert & Ernie, "No Road Too Long" by the cast and the turkey truck guy (some famous singer - looking it up - WAYLON JENNINGS!)

    "I found out a long time ago, got to learn to say yes when life says no,
    don't dwell on the bad times once they're past, that kinda thinkin' gets you nowhere fast.
    "cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb, if you hang on tight and just make up your mind.
    Once you set your heart to movin' on, son there ain't no road too long". (Waylon)
    "Don't look back, don't you turn around. Just keep your eye on where you're bound.
    And you're bound to get from here to there. 'Cause a dream can take you anywhere! (Ooh, take me to cookies!) (Gordon, Olivia?, and Cookie Monster)
    "Cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb, if you hang on tight and just make up your mind. (Grover)
    And once you set your heart to moving on, hut-hut, then there is no road too long...and you can count the telephone poles...1 telephone pole, 2 telephone poles, 3 telephone poles, 4 telephone poles! AH-HAHA! (The Count)
    ("Oscar! This isn't route 12!" "I never promised you a road.")
    ("Oh we're gonna find him alright, Bert." "Yeah." "You remember what color he is?" "What?" "He's yellow." "Ernie!")
    Cause there ain't no mountain you can't climb, if you hang on tight and just make up your mind. And once you set your heart to movin' on, yeah there ain't no road to long (Big Bird)

    Yes, as of 8:30-something this morning I'm a 41-year old child. And I made up my mind, but I can't control the speed-bump controllers. Still climbing, though I might hang-glide to a new mountain.

    I feel better. The whole situation still sucks, but there ain't no road too long.

    alright...time to get myself moving here...must go be a "helper" soon. Fine. I'll be the best helper ever. turds.

    Have a good day, people. Try to at least.

    -Busted "Muppet Stunt Double" Wagon

  9. #119
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    Howdy,

    I thought that I might feel better after Friday, that things might...that I might regain my former gusto for The Plan. I'm trying very hard to think positively, but I can't seem to manage it. I'm stomping angrily into Defiance territory, which turns the whole idea of perseverance in the face of adversity into emphatic resistance against turmoil.

    Basically "F them, I don't need this crap anymore. I want my lazy, easy life back. Must have been out of my mind to think that was worth my time." Defeatist, but defiant defeatist. I DON'T need it. I DO want my lazy life back: weekends, happy hour, a regular schedule, anonymity, carefree existence.

    Granted, I know what I said a while ago. I know how excited I was about this. That's why I'm angry. Yet not angry enough to fight for it. Angry that the bubble was so easily burst. Angry that I wasted so much time on this only for the whole thing to crap out now. I don't even feel like I'm giving up on The Plan...no, I'm not giving up. I'm giving it the finger. Because I really don't NEED it. And I don't slave myself out for things I don't need.

    Maybe I'll feel differently on Monday. Maybe I've already screwed myself. All I know is that I don't care...honestly. I've been mentally running through agencies and companies to apply to already. Maybe I won't stop now, maybe I'll give it some more time. But they're not going to give me another chance. No way. Not with psycho b**ch calling the shots.

    And I don't feel bad...or even sad. Just defiant.

    -Busted

  10. #120
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    Greetings,

    Back on the wagon. Gotta get a job.

    Had an interview today - i hate interviews. Palms get sweaty, you stumble over your words, you know there isn't a booger in your nose but you feel like there is, and you analyze every expression on the interviewers face and get self-conscious that they're already dismissing you (when they could just be stressed out and not really mentally at the interview). Plus, you try to tell the truth without telling the whole truth, and the more people you talk to, the more you forget the original story.

    Drat. I hate interviews. I guess lack of confidence has something to do with it.

    Sometimes I wish I lived somewhere that I could get a job I'd like. Like Colorado working at a dispensary or farm, or California making a living off trivia shows or singing in bars.

    Then again...times try to prove to me again and again that I don't have the chutzpah to put my neck out there. But maybe if I lived in one of those happening places, I would have it. Eh...we have what we have and we are who we are. Move to Tech Valley and play computer games for a living.

    Why can't those companies be in Pennsylvania?

    Why can't I have more confidence?

    Can't even be interested in someone without being paranoid that I'm too much or too little or said the right or wrong thing all the darned time. Groan.

    Okokokok...stopping.

    Snowed today. Didn't stick too bad, but the roads will probably be icy tomorrow. Thank goodness I'm not driving anywhere right now. Though, I do have a breakfast date Thursday morning. EXCITED!!

    I hope you all are well and continuing your quit better than I am. I need distraction. I need a reason to get out of my house that isn't just 'get out of the house'. Maybe this date will lead to something.

    That's all for now. well, maybe a christmas paraphrase that you're all going to hate me for.

    "Here comes 420, here comes 420, only 4 minutes away.
    Not gonna smoke even though I want to, it's been a long day.
    Wish they would just legalize and stop employment tests
    It's my fault, I realize, so I suffer with the rest."
    -Here Comes Santa Claus

    Yeah, if I lived in the tv capital of the world, I could make a fortune writing jingles.

    -Busted

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