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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #141
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    77

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    Hey folks,

    Yes, I chickened out and cowered away from failing to live up to the inspiration that spews out of my mouth...er...fingers...er...keyboard.

    I talk a good show, because it makes me feel good to say good things, but that doesn't mean that my advice works for me. I was so beyond depressed when I posted that motivational Huzzah for everyone, that I had to do something or I'd crack up. (I was sharing New Years with everyone else who was alone on New Years). So even though I wasn't experiencing what I wrote, I was thinking it. Since it wasn't getting through my evil shields of depression, I figured I'd give it away to someone it might do some good for.

    Glad it did, Kasper. Sorry I wasn't on the Huzzah train with you.

    Finally got up the gumption to pop in here. You can guess where I've been. I know...bad me. But mine is a process. It has to be a long-winded learning experience or it won't stick. And frankly, it's working...sort-of. I'm still incapable of the willpower I want, but I'm noticing a marked decline in my hatred of non-smoking. Each time it's been easier...I've known what to expect, and can face it a little better prepared.

    Anyway, not going on any further, because it's not constructive for this type of forum, as I mentioned before.

    Just wanted to say sorry that I disappeared without acknowledging the words said to me. I chickened out.

    Alice: You're right about the judgment thoughts. My therapist says the same thing, and I'm working on it, but it's slow going. Also, it is much easier to protect yourself when you're among strangers. It's the people you want close to you who can do serious damage with what they know about you.

    Kasper: Again, I'm sorry if my seeming-relapse was a downer. As I said...I was already there when I made the post. But you saying how much it meant to you made me feel good. So good that I couldn't admit to you that it was all show. Sorry about that, and thank you.

    Anyway, just made dinner. Have a good one, people.

    Oh, and I found a new job - started in January - and I think the chances of being kept full time are favorable. Fingers crossed.

    -Busted

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  2. #142
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    912

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    Hi Busted,

    Sorry for my late reply. You probably could have used some encouragement after your post, so I am sorry about that.

    At the end of the day they are just words. I know the feeling when you put something down on the page, and that makes it real. If you were just venting or expressing a certain moment in time, it can be hard to look back on it, and accept its existence. It feels so much more SOLID than the words that come out in a conversation. These can be forgotten easily, and just pass by like a stream, whereas WRITING it DOWN means making it permanent in some ways. I would say don't sweat it! You are much more sensitive to your own shortcomings than anyone else, who is usually too concerned with their own existences to notice or remember (in any great detail).

    I understand that it can be hard to 'live up to the hype' as it were, but I sincerely believe that none of us here have any expectations of you, even Kasper (if he ever comes back!), and you are free to just be as you are.

    I think that cannabis cessation can help you with the emotional balance. As I said recently in one of my posts in my journal, one of the nicest things about being cannabis free is the emotional stability - harder to fall and a shorter distance.

    It is good to hear that you are still growing and learning and developing, especially with regard to your cannabis use. As long as you are continually moving forward (or generally forward), then it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get there. In my opinion, self development is a very rewarding hobby!

    Congrats on the job offer and I hope that it continues to go well and you find some permanence. What is the job?

  3. #143
    Join Date
    May 2017
    Location
    Pennsylvania
    Posts
    77

    Default

    Howdy,

    Greetings on this "after Friday the 13th". No Jason Vorhees this time. haha!

    Still hanging in there.

    I'll tell ya, I can understand how some people might find emotional stability when they quit...but I am the opposite. The 'short yet easier to miss' fuse when smoking, is now back to the the 'clear as a bell, the size of Mt Everest, and easily lit' fuse of sobriety. It's in the genes...My mom's side of the family gets bent out of shape about everything immediately, and my dad's side of the family kept it bottled up until explosion. Mix 6 of one and half-a-dozen of the other, shake well, and fire from a high powered weapon of choice at the first opportunity. It's more fun than it sounds...really, it is...I swear!

    At least I recognize it. Trying something knew - don't get mad because people are stupid and make the human race look bad...instead, be happy I'm not an idiot lemming like the rest of them and smile - they'll think I'm smiling with them when I'm really just feeling superior and rolling my eyes. It's rather egotistical of me (which I hate to be), but either that or I give myself a one-way ticket to an ulcer. As easy as learning to stand on one foot on the back of a porcupine while juggling fire. wheee!!!

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)



    The job is going well. It's really sort-of mindless drudgery, but after 20 years of working in different offices, I've decided that I'm safest doing mindless drudgery. I kick a$$ at what I'm doing and can't piss anyone off because I'm just a grunt. Not in charge, not dealing with customers, not expected to be a role model, not taking work home literally or figuratively. Ahh...this is the life. Now if I can just hold out on the lack of sleep until they hire me. I've tried every sleep aid there is, and the only thing that gives me a guaranteed 5 straight hours of sleep is benadryl (and I have to take 3 to get it, which sucks). Melatonin kept me up, ZQuil gave me 2 hours, Pain Killer PM gave me 3, too much Vodka gave me 8 and a hangover. I think I've got until July to wait for an offer of full time employment from them.

    Anywho...just wanted to check in while I'm online. Hope all is well.

    This is the Busted Fuse, signing off with a bang!

    *pift*

  4. #144
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    912

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    Hi Busted,

    Good to hear from you. I am glad the job is going well. Always good to have some extra money in the bank!

    I guess with regards to your emotional balance, it might be too early to tell. Cannabis addiction can take a while to even out. I think that there is some evidence that genetics can play a role in your disposition. I guess the other thing is learned behaviour and the environment that you grew up in. Of course it is your story and you can write your own future anyway you like.There are definitely things you can do to become more emotionally balanced, if you value this quality.

    I hope you are having a great weekend. Good luck with the sleep. We are all different I guess and react differently. Hang in there!

    Take care
    Alice

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