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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #141
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    May 2017
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    Hey folks,

    Yes, I chickened out and cowered away from failing to live up to the inspiration that spews out of my mouth...er...fingers...er...keyboard.

    I talk a good show, because it makes me feel good to say good things, but that doesn't mean that my advice works for me. I was so beyond depressed when I posted that motivational Huzzah for everyone, that I had to do something or I'd crack up. (I was sharing New Years with everyone else who was alone on New Years). So even though I wasn't experiencing what I wrote, I was thinking it. Since it wasn't getting through my evil shields of depression, I figured I'd give it away to someone it might do some good for.

    Glad it did, Kasper. Sorry I wasn't on the Huzzah train with you.

    Finally got up the gumption to pop in here. You can guess where I've been. I know...bad me. But mine is a process. It has to be a long-winded learning experience or it won't stick. And frankly, it's working...sort-of. I'm still incapable of the willpower I want, but I'm noticing a marked decline in my hatred of non-smoking. Each time it's been easier...I've known what to expect, and can face it a little better prepared.

    Anyway, not going on any further, because it's not constructive for this type of forum, as I mentioned before.

    Just wanted to say sorry that I disappeared without acknowledging the words said to me. I chickened out.

    Alice: You're right about the judgment thoughts. My therapist says the same thing, and I'm working on it, but it's slow going. Also, it is much easier to protect yourself when you're among strangers. It's the people you want close to you who can do serious damage with what they know about you.

    Kasper: Again, I'm sorry if my seeming-relapse was a downer. As I said...I was already there when I made the post. But you saying how much it meant to you made me feel good. So good that I couldn't admit to you that it was all show. Sorry about that, and thank you.

    Anyway, just made dinner. Have a good one, people.

    Oh, and I found a new job - started in January - and I think the chances of being kept full time are favorable. Fingers crossed.

    -Busted

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  2. #142
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    Jul 2015
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    Hi Busted,

    Sorry for my late reply. You probably could have used some encouragement after your post, so I am sorry about that.

    At the end of the day they are just words. I know the feeling when you put something down on the page, and that makes it real. If you were just venting or expressing a certain moment in time, it can be hard to look back on it, and accept its existence. It feels so much more SOLID than the words that come out in a conversation. These can be forgotten easily, and just pass by like a stream, whereas WRITING it DOWN means making it permanent in some ways. I would say don't sweat it! You are much more sensitive to your own shortcomings than anyone else, who is usually too concerned with their own existences to notice or remember (in any great detail).

    I understand that it can be hard to 'live up to the hype' as it were, but I sincerely believe that none of us here have any expectations of you, even Kasper (if he ever comes back!), and you are free to just be as you are.

    I think that cannabis cessation can help you with the emotional balance. As I said recently in one of my posts in my journal, one of the nicest things about being cannabis free is the emotional stability - harder to fall and a shorter distance.

    It is good to hear that you are still growing and learning and developing, especially with regard to your cannabis use. As long as you are continually moving forward (or generally forward), then it doesn't matter how long it takes you to get there. In my opinion, self development is a very rewarding hobby!

    Congrats on the job offer and I hope that it continues to go well and you find some permanence. What is the job?

  3. #143
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    May 2017
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    Pennsylvania
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    Howdy,

    Greetings on this "after Friday the 13th". No Jason Vorhees this time. haha!

    Still hanging in there.

    I'll tell ya, I can understand how some people might find emotional stability when they quit...but I am the opposite. The 'short yet easier to miss' fuse when smoking, is now back to the the 'clear as a bell, the size of Mt Everest, and easily lit' fuse of sobriety. It's in the genes...My mom's side of the family gets bent out of shape about everything immediately, and my dad's side of the family kept it bottled up until explosion. Mix 6 of one and half-a-dozen of the other, shake well, and fire from a high powered weapon of choice at the first opportunity. It's more fun than it sounds...really, it is...I swear!

    At least I recognize it. Trying something knew - don't get mad because people are stupid and make the human race look bad...instead, be happy I'm not an idiot lemming like the rest of them and smile - they'll think I'm smiling with them when I'm really just feeling superior and rolling my eyes. It's rather egotistical of me (which I hate to be), but either that or I give myself a one-way ticket to an ulcer. As easy as learning to stand on one foot on the back of a porcupine while juggling fire. wheee!!!

    The job is going well. It's really sort-of mindless drudgery, but after 20 years of working in different offices, I've decided that I'm safest doing mindless drudgery. I kick a$$ at what I'm doing and can't piss anyone off because I'm just a grunt. Not in charge, not dealing with customers, not expected to be a role model, not taking work home literally or figuratively. Ahh...this is the life. Now if I can just hold out on the lack of sleep until they hire me. I've tried every sleep aid there is, and the only thing that gives me a guaranteed 5 straight hours of sleep is benadryl (and I have to take 3 to get it, which sucks). Melatonin kept me up, ZQuil gave me 2 hours, Pain Killer PM gave me 3, too much Vodka gave me 8 and a hangover. I think I've got until July to wait for an offer of full time employment from them.

    Anywho...just wanted to check in while I'm online. Hope all is well.

    This is the Busted Fuse, signing off with a bang!

    *pift*

  4. #144
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
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    Hi Busted,

    Good to hear from you. I am glad the job is going well. Always good to have some extra money in the bank!

    I guess with regards to your emotional balance, it might be too early to tell. Cannabis addiction can take a while to even out. I think that there is some evidence that genetics can play a role in your disposition. I guess the other thing is learned behaviour and the environment that you grew up in. Of course it is your story and you can write your own future anyway you like.There are definitely things you can do to become more emotionally balanced, if you value this quality.

    I hope you are having a great weekend. Good luck with the sleep. We are all different I guess and react differently. Hang in there!

    Take care
    Alice

  5. #145
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    May 2017
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    Pennsylvania
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    Greetings peoples,

    Happy May, such as it is.

    Well, that job went bust. Yeah. Apparently the work load slowed down and they let go of the temps/contractors. I don't know if I was the only one to get the ax, but either way the whole thing sucks. They didn't even tell me that the assignment was ending. Yeah, they didn't really have to tell ME since I was just a contractor, but they didn't give the agency any warning either so that the agency could tell me. I was at work on the 11th, all was going just fine and dandy, the supervisors didn't say or indicate anything, and I left for the day (leaving a mug and a can of soup and a tin of tea in the desk - nothing super important, but still). I got home to the phone ringing, and the agency told me the contract had been cancelled/assignment ended. WTF!? I mean...I still had the access badge to the building! And this is a global company! How shady is that?

    So note to self: The next time I get a temp/contract position in which half the staff are temps, don't expect to stick around. Even if they act like they are looking for people to hire...don't believe them or hang my hopes on anything.

    Grrr...

    And I was cleaning out too. Yeah, for the 8 millionth time. Still am...it actually only took 2 weeks this time. crazy. Yeah...actually...I started on the 7th...tested myself yesterday, and am already clean.

    Learned some good lessons this last time. For some of us, we really have to learn the difference. It can't just be 'cold turkey and deal with it'. Some of us aren't that strong. We need logic and reasoning to help us work through it. This time I learned the value of being able to change up in mid-activity, instead of being stuck in the cloudy loop. I was upset with myself that I couldn't just stop playing a game for a while and go do something else. I was disappointed that I couldn't sit through a whole movie without pausing it due to some random, distracting thought. I was mad at myself for feeling the need to talk to people when I really had nothing to say but ramblings. It's taken this process to learn those things. Back when I joined this board I didn't feel that way. But now I understand myself a little better.

    I'm still an anti-social hermit, I still spend too much time playing computer games (or surfing the net, now), but there is a balance - an awareness that I didn't have before...or at any point in this saga until now. I needed to learn this the hard way. I've found myself thinking that I'm done with it all, that I truly might not want it ever again, and the thought process doesn't drive me back to another purchase. It just makes me think about it logically. I feel that I can go either way now, instead of fearing what a life without might mean. Granted, I love it still (sorry all), and still want to pursue control before complete abstinence, but I have a feeling if I take that route, I just might succeed - unlike before when I was saying that I don't have the will power to control it. Heck, I'm even drinking less than I was when I joined this forum. So everything is a process.

    Sleep is better this time around. I still have to down some benadryl to get it started, but I'm not waking up in the middle of the night this time. Some time in the next few days or weeks I'm going to try to skip the benadryl. I tried it last week but it wasn't happening...tossed and turned for 3 hours before caving in and downing some caplets. The dreams have returned, but they're not as disturbing as they were before. Instead of imminent doom and destruction, they've been more along the lines of risking my life for the betterment of something or someone. haha! Yeah, maybe I've been watching too many superhero movies and shows. But I'll take hopeful-drama-dreams over no-chance-dreams any day.

    Anyway, I just wanted to say hi, offload a few thoughts, and wish everyone well and good luck. I"m feeling good this time around. The work problem still sucks, but it's not like I haven't experienced this before. And every time I've gotten myself out of it...this will be no different. To paraphrase 'I think therefore I am'...I do, because I can.

    Best wishes. This is the Busted Wagon, hitching up a fresh horse and carrying on.

    Ciao.

  6. #146
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    May 2017
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    Pennsylvania
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    The day of gross.

    First, the drain pipes in the kitchen popped off AGAIN! So I finally took them apart completely to see what the problem was, and to clean them out. Plastic sink drains have their merits - simply unscrew and re-screw. But WOAH! The stench! I assume that only half the yuck was from me. When I took the sink and its parts apart to repaint the cabinets and renovate the kitchen, I didn't look in the pipes. Just took apart, put back together, cheered a fresh new-look kitchen, and went on with life. This was 7 years ago. But the drain has been smelling lately, and the water takes forever to drain out of the sink. I tried the Drano option to no avail...

    So here I was this morning unscrewing the pipes. The gook in the tubes took my breath away, and some was so hardened that I knew it was from the previous resident and not from me. I took a wooden BBQ skewer to the mess, scraped it out, nearly barfed from the stench, and put everything back together. YAY! No more drain smell! YAY! The water goes down the hole! Woo! I've earned a cigarette!

    Standing outside, breathing fresh air through the nicotine, happy with my accomplishment, and I spy, with my bionic eye, a buzzing pile of rain-matted, fly riddled yuck.

    WHAT!? SERIOUSLY!

    Yes...a gift from one of the neighborhood strays, right on the grass, right next to my front door.

    COME ON, MAN! I just cleared plumbing stench out of my nose...now cat poop?! Down to the basement for a shovel, try to get it all in one scoop as quickly as possible so the poop-footed flies don't attack me and put their poopy fly-feet on my person, then toss the mess in the woods. But it doesn't all come off of the shovel. Grrr...can't wipe it off, can't drag the concave shovel tip across flat grass and get it off. End up having to dig a hole just to wiggle the shovel tip around in it to wipe off the unwanted stray cat present.

    Merry F-ing Poopmas!

    Been going strong this past month. Haven't had a thought about green at all. Haven't even twitched at the sight of the ganja storage box that I didn't put out of sight this time so that I could exercise mind over matter. Until this morning. Until the Stink Olympics.

    Groan.

    I'm good. It was a brief thought. It's gone now. And I wasn't going to post since I apparently have broken the quitter rules one too many times and am probably no longer considered 'genuinely a quitter'. But I had to get this out of my system. Keeping busy...yup, that's the key. Keeping busy.

    Full of stench.

    And to think - I tried to give that one cat some food yesterday...and he/she/it ignored me. I'm not good enough to take food from, but I'm apparently good enough to poop at. "Don't crap where you eat" is apparently reversed to "don't eat where you crap".

    "Hey, that human left out a bowl of food for you. Are you going to take it or can I have it?"
    "Eh, go ahead, if she'll let you. That's my toilet over there. I don't eat there. But you can have it if you want."
    "Sweet! Damn, she says it's for you."
    "Like I said...that's the toilet - I'm not a dog."

    Blasted cats. Blasted plumbing.

    Need another cigarette - the smell is haunting my nose.

    This is the Busted Olfactory Wagon, signing off.

  7. #147
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
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    Melbourne, Australia
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    Hi Busted,

    Great to hear you are going strong. A month is fantastic! Good for you!

    Sorry I didn’t reply to your last post. Just been busy and the others had kind of stepped up to support the incoming messages so your last post maybe got lost in the influx.

    That sounds like a crazy experience with your drains and cat poo. To be honest, I am impressed that you get involved with your home maintenance to this level. It is inspiring. And so good to hear your drains are clear. Even though it must have been a bit gross, at least they are clean now! Good going!

    What has been happening on the job front of late?

    Hang in there!
    Alice

  8. #148
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    May 2017
    Location
    Pennsylvania
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    Why work when life is work already?
    Why can this hassle not remain steady?
    We struggle and toil and gripe and moan
    Simply to retain a place to call home.
    This resume for this job type
    This cover letter to add more hype
    We grovel and rewrite and click 'send' and pray
    And yet hear nothing for our efforts each day
    Demoralizing and depressing to say the least
    Employment prostitution for the financial beast
    I know what I am capable of, even if I can't tell it
    But am ignored if I lack the aptitude to sell it
    Put on my dot com platforms and strut my stuff
    Yet monstrous effort still is never enough
    Can't force them to listen to what I have to say
    Sure wish the job world didn't work this way.

    Rearranged the resume this morning. I don't know if it will work, but I'm desperate and grasping at straws. I need to contact the agencies, get their e-mails and send them the new resume. Maybe I'll have a snowball's chance of getting a job I want to do instead of getting further typecast out of where I belong.

    Sucks.

    Tried something new yesterday. Applied for a technical apprentice job that I know I'm capable of doing, yet my resume would make it seem like I clicked the wrong button. Wrote an obnoxious cover letter pleading for a chance, but I know my chances are slim. Oh well. Gotta try anyway. It is right up the alley of my home-repair/maintenance/remodeling skills, so I extolled the virtues of what I know how to do, though the only proof I have would be a portfolio of before and after pictures, and that would only work if they call me for an interview. Just cross my fingers and hope, I guess.

    Anywho...keep on truckin', as the saying goes. Trying not to let my mother demoralize me. Everything I tell her about what I'm trying just gets me a disappointed sigh, yet she has no suggestion and no explanation for why she doesn't agree with my ideas, options, desires, or whatever. I told her about the apprentice thing, and she just huffed and said "i just wish you could find something stable and permanent." What? I have no idea what gives her the idea that everything I apply for is going to disappear in a month. Granted, many places I have worked went belly-up or got bought out AFTER I left, but that was after...not including the last temp job. I call it the "business blows after I'm gone" curse. Their problem, not mine. But everything I apply for she says "you don't know how long that company is going to last, you don't know blah-blah-blah". Well of course I don't! If I could tell the future I wouldn't be in this predicament. Duh!

    Never listen to parents. They're never happy or supportive. They just want you at home and up their nose and being their kid forever. No wonder I never wanted kids.

    Ok, gonna go try the new resume out on some job boards. Cross your fingers!

    -Busted "hire me doggonnit" Wagon

  9. #149
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    Jul 2015
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    Good luck! One thing that I definitely like about working for myself and with other like minded sole-traders is that I don't have to tick the boxes of a potential employer. I can build the skills that I really enjoy using (if they are also profitable), and guide my career towards the areas that give me the most satisfaction. Have you ever thought of starting your own business? E-commerce is still really growing year after year. It is a great field to get into, but it does require a product that is either trending or desirable.

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)



    I guess that a lot of the benefits of work is the social aspect and the infrastructure, which might be what you are looking for? What are the values behind finding a job?

    I am sorry your mother is eternally disappointed. I think that some parents are just like that. They can't just relax and approve, they have to pick holes in every possible plan, and I think it is their way of showing that they care, even though it obviously sucks from your end. I would suggest trying not to take it personally. You could say to yourself 'it is just Mum (Mom).' It really is just her, it is no reflection of what you are capable of, so I think it is a good opportunity to not get hooked up with it.

    Good luck and take care,
    Alice

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