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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #41
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    Interesting!

    Good to hear that you are enjoying your research. I bet it is killing some time too!

    Cheers
    Alice

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)


  2. #42
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    Day 7 (21).

    So i did find out that the excess byproducts released contain 2%-15% proteins and fat. I wasn't ALL wrong. haha!

    It's been raining for a few days. Rainy days are the worst - they were the best smoking days. Granted I don't do much anyway, but waking up to hear rain just screams "wake and bake and a computer game and an awesome breakfast!" So I had breakfast and youtube. It just wasn't the same. I managed to finally switch winter and summer clothes, but didn't do anything after that.

    Honestly, I woke up with a plan...those first few minutes before you really open your eyes and sit up. Usually that's when I come up with a great plan for the day - today I was going to pay bills and then go to the movies. But by the time I ate and finished messing with the clothes, I didn't feel like doing any of that anymore. Oh well. Par for the course, I guess...

    I found my old diaries from childhood. Suffice it to say I was as messed up as I remember. I have it in writing. It's a little sad to read my old hopes and dreams, my old desires for the future, and realize that it was all just that. Dreams. Young me would be really pissed off that the unfairness continued. No, mini-me, still no dates, still think I need to lose weight, mom still drives me crazy, and still waiting for friends to remember that we're supposed to be friends. The only difference - I tried back then. Too jaded now to try anymore. But I was a boy-crazy fool. You remember being a kid - liking someone different every day of the week, and thinking that every new person liked you..."I'm positive! He keeps looking at me!" Substitute that with whatever your preferred someone is, but yeah. Every damn page is full of I Love So-In-So. Since 5th grade. How sad.

    I should burn them and stop torturing myself, but at the same time it's my history. I couldn't possibly remember every incident in those diaries, so to get rid of them would be to lose some memory. But I should at least stop reading them. Every couple of years they come out for some torture.

    Eh...not like it would matter. I can erase the past but it doesn't change the present or future.

    Could really go for a bowl and losing myself in a movie right now.

    -Busted

  3. #43
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    Day 8 (22)

    It was a tame day until evening. Had an appointment with...well, I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now for reasons other than pot. It was draining tonight, but somewhat satisfying, or at least enlightening. She's really good at helping me see inside me. Anyway, she knows all about my posts on this board, and we discussed the one from last week. It brought up a lot of stuff. Worth the effort to face the inner demons.

    I didn't do much after mowing the lawn this morning. I caught a glimpse of the garter snake (named him Slinky). He's maybe 2.5 feet long now - what's that metrically...a little less than 30 cm per foot...times 2.5...75 cm? something like that. I'll let him live. Apparently garter snakes mostly eat bugs, which he can have, and if he's big enough he can compete with the stray cats for any rodents that may be around. Or they might eat him. Thus is nature.

    I also spotted a raccoon at dusk. Hissed at the little bugger to make him go away.

    Oh...there's a mysterious female deer running around by herself. She seems too big to be Pixie, but has dark marks on her face like Stripe. I haven't named her yet, but someone dropped her off. Either that or their mama dropped her fawn and is running around for food for them both. Frankly I think it's a newbie. Petunia? Might be a good name. Yes, I name my neighborhood critters. If I can find distinguishing markings to tell them apart, they get a name. As long as the stripes stay on her face, I'll know it's Petunia. Heh...yeah, that'll be her name.

    It's late, but I usually stay up later after a meeting. I'm a little drained and have a headache, but sleep will be long in coming even if I go to bed now. I suppose I can add one more 'planetary alignment' moment to my list - deciding to seek professional help to dig me out of my own mind. She's happy to have a shovel and be in this hole with me, so it's a good thing. I feel like a disappointment to her sometimes, but that's only me continually beating myself up. I probably wouldn't have had the gumption to quit weed, much less join this board, if not for my time with her. Slow but steady progress.

    -Busted

    Oh, one other thing. When I'm feeling particularly low, I search out random tribute videos for that Pharrell Williams song 'Happy'. I hated the hype of the song when it first came out, but seeing people sharing in joy is always a nice thing. My favorite is the original tribute (I'm pretty sure it was the first one made) by the 6 Iranian people who got arrested. I hope they're doing ok now. The Atlanta Police Department also did a cute one - nice to see law enforcement chiming in considering all of the police hate going on in this country. I'm pretty sure that the giant following of wearehappyfrom.com started in defiance of the Iranian arrests, and it makes me feel good to think that ordinary people will stand up in support of ordinary people around the world. Anyway, the song is over-played...but seeing their joy in celebrating is a nice pick-me up and makes me feel connected to the world. Anything for a smile. (And of course, there's Tacky by Weird Al) -Busted

  4. #44
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    Hi Busted,

    It is so good to hear that you have found a therapist who you get along with. I find my chats to my psychologist absolutely priceless. I thought it was interesting that you use the analogy of shovelling around in your mind with a therapist. It sounds fun! My psychologist sometimes uses the metaphor of stopping digging a hole and get on a ladder out of the hole, hehe. It sounds like your therapist is a good influence.

    I will have to check out the Pharrell Williams Happy tributes. It sounds like a positive contribution to the world :-)

    Keep posting. It is good for your soul.

    I hope you are having an okay sleep.

    Cheers,
    Alice

  5. #45
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    Day 9 (23)

    Greetings. I missed posting yesterday. I was too absorbed in a computer game. I did have a weird dream that I'm sure was a result of my meeting (oh, and she is a psychologist, not just a therapist. I made sure to find a professional). I was running around an enormous, hilly park trying to find a group to connect with, but the only group that accepted me were destructive people. By the time I realized they were planning to blow a hole in the world, it was too late to stop them. I ran back to the field (full of strangers, family members, coworkers, friends) screaming to seek cover, but everyone just ignored me. I found my father, who said not to worry and then wandered off, and found my mother who wanted to introduce me to people's sons, and then looked up to see this mountain of water (like in the movie 2012) coming over the hills. I hunkered down to the ground clutching mom and screaming for dad and squeezed my eyes shut. The weirdest thing was the sensation of the land just tilting. No water rushed over us, but the ground tilted and spun, and then I woke up. I can still remember the sensation of the world just tipping over. It was crazy.

    Last night I had another dream about zombie invasion. In the childhood home again, with my grandmother, grandfather, cousins, random people, etc. They kept blasting jazz for my grandfather, which drew zombies to the house. Every time I turned it down they turned it back up. I kept trying to cover the windows, but everyone kept opening the blinds complaining that it was too dark inside. No matter how many times I tried to lock the doors, someone came through them and left them open. I wondered how they were getting through the swarm outside, because zombies tried to follow them through the doors. I actually had weapons this time, but all were broken in some way except one shotgun, which I got yelled at for using (perfect head shots! go me, who's never fired a gun!) by my grandmother because it was dangerous and 'ladies shouldn't shoot guns'. T'was frustrating. I woke up cursing out the umpteenth person to leave the back door open.

    The strange thing about these dreams is all of the dead people in them. All of my grandparents are dead, my father, his nephew and siblings, basically my whole paternal side of the family...yet they were in both. An old boyfriend who died in a motorcycle accident was riding it around the field during the flood, an old coworker who died from diabetes kept dropping off desserts and leaving the front door open for zombies. I mean, I know I have an over-active imagination, but what's with the childhood home setting and all of the dead people?

    Then there was the one three days ago about the manic inchworm (yes, only an inch long) that refused to be squished and chased me all over the house at warp speed. It had the body of an actual inchworm and the head of a cross between the things in Deep Rising and a Graboid from Tremors. Darned thing could cross a meter in 2 seconds, and the overhead light in the room kept going out so I couldn't see him.

    What the heck is going on with my mind?!? I mean, of course it's withdrawal, but jeez! I'd almost be happy for a boring old psychedelic technicolor freakout with no meaning.

    Sorry to drone on and on, but it's just weird. I need to get it out of my head. As I said before, I had vivid dreams before I started smoking. I guess they're just coming back with a vengeance. I'll never forget the one that I was on a bus trip (in a school bus), with classmates, family and The Jeffersons (remember that show?), and this enormous boulder came rolling down the hill toward us. No one believed me that it was coming, so I climbed on the top of the bus, lassoed the boulder, and swung it out of our path. Then got yelled at by George Jefferson for opening the emergency door without permission. I used to have that dream in high school.

    Anyway...on a positive note, I'm no longer waking up every 3 hours. Now I can sleep all the way through to 4:45 no matter what time I get to sleep (the birds still wake me up - or my dream wakes me up in time for the birds). I guess that's progress.

    I need to go buy some Dollar Store drug tests. The Dollar Tree has them for $1 each, so no waste of money. It's time to start checking. I know I'm not clean yet, but I'm getting antsy. Checking every couple of days might take the edge off.

    Well, off to more than likely watch Netflix (resting my 'mouse' hand from gaming). Plenty of other things to do, but do I feel like it? No. I'm trying to find some other incentive to function productively, but all I can think of is weed...so no go.

    -Busted

  6. #46
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    Hi Busted,

    I guess some people like to read some kind of meaning into their dreams. I tend to think of them of random thoughts that come together to form stories. When I was quitting cannabis I would often have dreams where I had to choose between good and evil, and if I didn't make the right choice I would go to hell. They were troubling, and made me think that there might be some kind of 'other worldly' power out there. I posted about it on Facebook one day, and they promptly disappeared.

    Your dreams are more vivid now because of the cannabis cessation. What do they call it - REM rebound?

    My advice would be to try not to get too stressed or hooked up on the content of your dreams. Reading back over your post it sounds like you just find it beneficial to get them out of your head, and that is good too. I guess they are just thoughts like waking thoughts, except that they happen when you sleep. If you get involved with them, and start to get hooked up on the themes or potential messages, I think that it stresses you out. Again, mindfulness might help.

    Good luck with the testing. I hope that you will be pleasantly surprised. It would be great to be able to get a job!

    Bonne nuit
    Alice
    Last edited by Alice; 06-09-2017 at 02:12 AM.

  7. #47
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    Day 10 & 11 (24 & 25)

    Missed posting yesterday again. So I've got myself in a dilemma...A former coworker invited me to a cookout today. I find myself not wanting to go. Not because of smoking or anything - I wouldn't expect that to take place in his life. I just...something tells me it would be awkward. It's one thing to go with someone you know to a stranger's party. At least you know the person you went with. But to go to an acquaintance's party and only know that person among a sea of strangers...you can't just hang out with them when they're playing host to their friends and family. I predict either spending the entire time inside helping, or in a seat out of the way feeling like a fly on the wall. I honestly know that I can get along with any group of people, but I really don't like being the token outsider. I'll go to a bar by myself - no problem - plenty to do and no real need to care about who is around. But at a party like that...I'm not feeling confident enough to field all of the looks and questions that will occur. My former-coworker is a genuinely good soul who would definitely want me to be comfortable. I just don't anticipate that happening. I shouldn't try to predict the future, I know. I just...I'm just chickening out. There was the possibility of other plans today anyway, and I told him I'd let him know...I just feel bad. He'll have his family and kids and grandkids and everyone else to worry about. I don't need to be the downer and have him constantly wondering if I'm having fun. Nor do I want to appear to everyone like some hired caterer or maid by hiding inside under the pretense of helping.

    Eh...fine. I'm a chicken. If more coworkers were going to be there, I'd probably buck up and go. But he and I shared the opinion that they were mostly pompous buttheads, so he didn't invite any of them. I won't know a single soul and I hate that feeling. I wind up the wall-flower in those situations, and that's when you just stay home. I should feel honored that he invited me...in fact, I do...but I can't do it. I'll never meet any new people with that attitude, but this is a different situation. I WILL be the outsider, and I just can't handle that right now. The defenses go up - the ones I can't control but are apparently written all over my face - and I'll just bring the whole vibe down.

    I'll just politely decline and thank him for inviting me. Nothing wrong with that. I don't need to come up with any excuse, just a "Hi, just wanted to let you know that I won't be able to make it. But thanks for inviting me. Have fun!" sort of thing.

    Yeah, that's better for everybody. And I'll just stay home and do what I always do...which is nothing.

    Y'know, it's funny. My mother blames my upbringing for the lack of socializing in my life, but it's not that. She thinks I'd have more friends if we'd stayed in the city, but I know that I wouldn't be the self-sufficient, independent, open-minded person that I am today if we'd stayed there. I'd have gotten caught up in city attitudes and BS, probably would have never left the area, and more than likely wouldn't have even gone to college. Well, maybe I'm giving city-born people a bad rep, and I don't mean to, but I am who I am because of where I was raised. And even though I have no social life and no romantic life, I am free. I could have those things if I figured out how I wanted to do it. I know I rub people the wrong way because they expect one thing and get something completely different, but that's not my problem. I'm a good person, an understanding and compassionate person who CAN get along in any setting, who has worldly views and tastes, and an acute understanding of the differences between us all that make us all so similar. Had I grown up in a homogeneous setting with no real differences from one person to the next, I wouldn't see things that way. I wouldn't have learned to. Maybe my independence is intimidating, but I'm not trying to purposely intimidate.

    So I like the type of person I am, even if I don't like the way things go for me. I can't control how others react to me - I can only show them who I am. The rest is up to them and if they can't take it...their loss. If I think about it any other way, I'll get depressed.

    Sort-of doesn't make sense that I won't go to the party after what I just said, but it's part of not being able to control (or predict) others' reactions. Everyone has a preconceived notion, and when reality doesn't fit they tend to freak out a little - back away and find what they know rather than admit that different is ok. I'm used to it, but I don't like to just throw myself into it.

    When I covered the front desk at my old job, I surprised everyone with the various classical, jazz, and easy-listening music that I would play. Everyone else would Top-40 at the front desk, which I just thought was unprofessional - it's the FRONT DESK! While most would make comments like "how can you stay awake?", and "you listen to some weird music!", some did appreciate that I was respecting the station and the company by maintaining a business atmosphere in the front lobby. I mean, what would you think if you walked into a business to hear heavy guitar or F-bombs or booty-shake? Not that it mattered in the end, they still fired me.

    But like I said, I was unusual, I didn't fit their mental expectation, and the unexpected makes people uncomfortable. Nothing I can do about it...I refuse to be what they expect just to make people more comfortable. I am open to the possibility of compromise, the least they can do is meet me half-way. If they can't, the deficiency of character is theirs, not mine.

    Double-edged sword, but I'd rather take the road of decency and amiability than the alternative. In the end it will be easier to answer for.

    Jeez...just all over the place today. Oh well, just sent the message, so not going. Going to pop in some David Lanz and make breakfast - some energetic piano would be really nice to hear right now. So would a bowl...I'll settle for David Lanz.

    -Busted
    Last edited by BustedWagon; 06-10-2017 at 10:13 AM.

  8. #48
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    day 11 (26)

    Today was ok. Slept through the night - 6 hours. Didn't do much today - it was too hot out to function. Can't live in heat. Played on the computer all day.

    Yesterday I messed around on the piano a bit. Slowly that urge is getting more, oh, what's the right word...insistent? Answerable? Natural? One of those. I figured out the main theme to Last of the Mohicans. I love that movie and the soundtrack, and while listening to it I suddenly paused and went to play. See...I know I can, it's making that desire into an action that's so hard. But I can do it if I just do it. Give me a song, any song, and I can figure out the basics. I even figured out the right hand to La Marseillaise (sp?) - the French national anthem. Woke up with it in my head one morning and couldn't get rid of it until I figured it out. I would like to thank my High School French teacher for that one.

    Anyway, nothing else to say. Just making sure I post today...I've fallen off with the 9-12-3-6 journal, but I want to keep up with this as best I can. Lapse leads to relapse, right? And I thought about smoking a few times today.

    Oh, I did buy some drug tests. I think it's too soon to check, but maybe I will tomorrow. It's funny how every time I buy them, I make up the excuse that I have a kid I need to test. I don't have kids...but I'm too embarrassed about it. Don't want them thinking they're for me. Like it matters what some 19-year old cashier at the dollar store thinks...but I can't help it. I was less embarrassed buying condoms when I WAS 19. I think I get embarrassed too easily.

    Have a good one, folks.

    -Busted

  9. #49
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    Thanks Busted, I hope you are having a good weekend too.

    It is so great to hear that you are getting onto your piano more. I can only imagine how satisfying it must be to work out a song that you hear in your head in the morning.

    What kinds of computer games do you play?

    Cheers,
    Alice

  10. #50
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    Day 12 (27)

    This is the last day I'll be mentioning the total numbers since I started this journal. I tested myself today and failed, so keeping that second number around doesn't mean much in the long run. I expected to fail, but it just made calling this 'day (27)' feel kinda stupid. It's all good though.

    Computer games...ahhhhhhhh computer games. Honestly, I'm old school with my collection. Once I had a 'collection', it seemed pointless to buy any more. I have: Alpha Centauri/Alien Crossfire (*), Heroes of Might and Magic 3 and 4 (* and *), Diablo 2 (*), The Sims 1 (*), Rollercoaster Tycoon 1 and 2 (* and *), Age of Mythology, Sim City 4 (*), Afterlife, Warlords 4, 1701: The Sunken Dragon (*), Plants vs Zombies, Galactic Civilizations, and Majesty: The Fantasy Kingdom Sim. Is that all of them...gotta check...yeah, I think that's it - 15 games on standby. The (*) mean I play those the most. Oh, I also have StarCraft, but I hate that game - got my butt kicked all the time - so it's not installed.

    For the past few days I've been on a Heroes 4 kick. I found a map that's not impossible and have been playing it with every faction to get the hang of them. But as you can see, they're all old. The newest game I have is probably Plants vs Zombies, and that's already old. I don't play to beat the game and be done...I play just to play. They're mostly world-building games, not conquer games - I'm a lover not a fighter. Diablo 2 is old as dirt and I just finally got a character through on Normal level - there's still Hell and Nightmare to go. Alpha Centauri and the expansion are out of print - I am very VERY nice to that disc. I haven't figured out all you can do in Sims 1 yet so it's still fun (100+ families created including a model of me and my house), and 2 and 3 just add 3D so why would I need that? Afterlife is made by Lucas Arts (yes, George Lucas), and you have to build Heaven and Hell. Majesty is interesting in that you can't control your little armies - you have to bribe them to do what you want or they won't work for you. I still kind-of stink at the RollerCoaster Tycoons - can't custom-build for squat - but I've gotten good at making affordable drop-coasters. Galactic Civilizations always crashes on me when war starts, so I don't play that very often - it was a "deep in the pot buzz, probably should go to bed, can't really see straight, play this for a bit" game. Usually fell asleep in front of the computer on that one.

    Ahhh...don't get me started. haha! Too late! I had to install Windows XP on a Windows 7 computer just to get all of the games to function. Thankfully, it's not hooked up to the internet so, hopefully, it will last forever (until the hard drive dies, I guess). Maybe I should buy another one just to be on the safe side.

    Annnnywayy...Today was partially productive. Paid all of my bills this morning, finally made Iced Tea (steeped tea bags, lemon, sugar...no powdered crap for me!), played on the computer all afternoon while strategically moving fans and opening or closing windows to keep the house cool (it's 82 degrees F in here right now), made a CRAZY dinner of mashed potatoes with sauteed mushrooms and shrimp (yes! it sounds gross but it was yummy!), cleaned up the kitchen after dinner (which is a miracle), took out the trash so the dinner garbage wouldn't attract bugs in this heat, watched the season premier of DARK MATTER (yay!!! t'was awesome! I love that show), and nearly forgot to post. haha! I was all ready to turn off the modem and clean cookies when I remembered. Yes, I'm anal. After every internet session, modem off, cookies cleaned. I've never had a virus or malware (knock wood).

    I'll be heading back to Heroes 4 now. I used to hate that game until I found this one map and managed to win. You really have to Rush with that game or you're toast. I'm not a rusher...I take my time and explore. My friend used to hate playing Diablo 2 online with me, because she'd be tearing across the map to the next quest while I'm all "hey, this demon dropped some gold, and a potion, and what are these nifty gloves?"

    I am a little miffed that my drug test was positive. I expected it, but was hoping for a miracle. I'll test again July 12th.

    Off to conquer little mini worlds. Have a good one people!

    -Busted

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