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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #61
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    May 2017
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    Pennsylvania
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    O...M...G...

    Either I am ridiculously out of shape, or my lawn is just impossible to mow for anyone. I'd like to see some mad fitness buff do it in the blazing sun and not be panting like a dog for half an hour afterwards. And there was a great breeze too...didn't help. It got to the point that I poured my whole water bottle over my head, chest and back, which worked until I went back out in the sun. Then it dried in 3 minutes. It's probably only in the 80's, but that's too much for me. Add sun and steep, short, no-leverage hills and I'm done-for. I even had a hat on, which probably did help a little. Pulse - 96 beats per minute - wait...16 times 6, yeah. Don't know if that's good or bad. I'm on my second bottle of water. It took me roughly 1.5 hours to do 4 sections of yard, which if they were all just flat would only take maybe 30 minutes.

    And no weed...wah! Not that I'd be able to inhale at this precise moment, but still.

    Oh yeah...day, um...17. Slept through from 11:45 to about 7. yay! I think the birds woke me up too, but not fully, so I dozed back off. Take that, birds! Yeah, they must have, because I vaguely remember 2 different dreams. I barely remember the first one, but I think I was in an adult boarding school in a mall with a friend from high school in the second one. At least, the rooms looked like boarding school rooms or Hogwarts or something, but when you left each room it looked like the interior walkways of a mall.

    Anywho...one new thing I did today was restart my blog. I haven't touched it since 2011, but decided today to see if I could still log-in. I guess using it as my homepage kept it active enough that they didn't close it down. I mostly just used it to vent, and I suspect no one read it anyway, but at least it might be useful to me.

    Ah...here come some clouds. So it was a good thing that I mowed. They said there was an isolated chance of thunderstorms today. That's the only reason I went out there and suffered. Darned lawn. I love my house, hate my lawn. If I could cover the whole thing in something else I would, but I don't exactly like gardening either...the whole 'sun' issue. And I won't 'pave paradise and put up a parking lot', though I've threatened it to my lawn a few times.

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    Rambling. Worried about the brick around my front porch. If it rains water will seep down in the cracks, and a huge chunk of concrete fell from the garage ceiling the other day. Well, a big one fell and missed my car window by inches, so I moved the car and smacked the ceiling with a broom, and a giant chunk fell. That would have smashed something. Crap...now I have to check if anything else fell. Darnit! I'm going to have to learn how to point brick unless I want to pay a kidney for it. Maybe a kidney and a spleen...re-pointing is expensive. Cars are expensive.

    Anyway, posting something now just in case I forget later. I've finally stopped panting.

    Oh, in response to that insight, Alice...I hope you're right. See, I don't anticipate that quitting weed will help with the fact that people don't seem to stick around me for very long. I don't know why, but they tend to just disappear unannounced. Whatever it is, whether it's me or them, I have no idea. So as much as I want to believe that things will get better, and life will pick up...let's just say that I might learn to do different things to entertain myself, but I don't see much of a change in the social life. Just once I wish someone would just tell me the problem - maybe I could fix it. "You're just too damn compromising. Argue! Get in an argument with me!" Or "You don't keep in contact enough. Why? My friends and I text every day!" or even if it's mean spirited, I can take it. I wish they'd just say it instead of vanishing and never returning a message or a call. Can't fix the problem if you don't know what the problem is. So yeah...I miss weed for that reason more than any. Helps me forget that there's a world out there that wants nothing to do with me. Makes me afraid to make new friends - what if they ditch me just like others seem to? Do I really want to risk going through that again?

    Anywho...not getting into it. I can feel the angst growing and I want to ignore it. Prepare to redirect focus. Preparing to redirect focus, sir! Redirect focus. Redirecting focus, sir (Why are you preparing? You're always preparing! Just go! - Spaceballs) Yay! The lawn is done, the hedge is done, and I have frozen burgers. woo! it's 2:45. I'm having a beer.

    Have a good day, peoples!

    -Busted

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  2. #62
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    May 2017
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    First, apologies for any obnoxious rudeness that might have come through in that previous post. Weed and Social Life woes go hand in hand with me, and being sober just makes me think about it all the time. Sorry.

    Second, thanks for your reply, Mickey. Use those critters, friend! Seek them out for mini-happy moments to keep your mind off pot. They really help me.

    Third - there are times when I'm happy to be wrong. Stripe and Pixie just came through the yard!!! They're alive!!! I thought the doe was just another doe until I saw Stripe with her. His antlers are growing in nicely. And I couldn't see Pixie's ribs anymore. Fantastic! I'm so glad they're ok. Of course, I tried to take a picture, and the one time I didn't expect the camera to flash, it flashed and spooked them. Darned camera - the flash never works, and then does when I don't want it to. I'll have to remember to turn it off.

    It just started pouring rain. Even though nature is used to it, I hope those two found a dry place to hunker down.

    Anyway - yeah, I read and re-read that post a million times last night, and then posted it and read it again. It was only this morning that I realized I probably sounded like a world class j*rk. I didn't intend to. You all are so supportive on this site, I don't mean to just vent relentlessly upon you. You have enough going on in your lives without me taking your good intentions and chewing them to ribbons.

    Huh, 15 minute downpour. There's something to be said for living on a mountain: the weather just whips on by. By the time you run around battening down the hatches, it's over. At least it cooled things off.

    Today was tame. Thought about smoking frequently. It wasn't a craving, I suppose - no emotional impact - just a 'want'. Maybe that's all a craving is. I don't know. Now-a-days I find myself thinking about 'after'. When I'm clean and have a job, what will I do? I hope my Doc can help me with this social anxiety/fear thing. I wouldn't mind going out, and it would be easier to never smoke again if I did, but there's that whole what-I-mentioned-last-post-and-previous-posts thing to deal with. I will definitely go back to having weed around if I don't start going out more. Even if I start to enjoy other things like writing and piano and house projects...if I have nothing else to do but sit here, I won't sit here non-high for long. It was my happy hour. I'd rather smoke than drink.

    Ugh...not gonna think about it. It doesn't help questioning an unknown future, does it? I have no idea if I will have the permanent will-power for it. I'd like to think I would/could, but I don't feel it. Ugh.

    Anyway, this is day 18. This time 18 days straight, no slip-ups in the middle. *sigh* Such a dull, boring life. If this is going to be permanent I have to do SOMETHING or I'll go bananas!

    Off to do dishes. Have a good one, peoples!

    -Busted

  3. #63
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    Jul 2015
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    Melbourne, Australia
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    Hi Busted,

    There is really no need to apologise. I didn't notice anything odd or untoward in your previous post. Maybe you are feeling sensitive about the fact that you opened up about your social anxiety, or this really concerning fact that you keep losing your friends, but it really didn't come across that way. I am sorry I didn't write yesterday. I have been going through my own stuff at the moment, and just did the bare minimum on this site last night. Please don't feel bad about your post though, or the fact that you need to vent. I know exactly what you mean. I am the same.

    I want to comment on your cannabis cravings, but I really need to get into some work. I will write again later.

    Cheers,
    Alice

  4. #64
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    Jul 2015
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    Hi Busted,

    Again, I am sorry that I didn't write yesterday. I know what you mean when those 'cravings' lose their emotional punch. It means that you are definitely healing. It turns into more of a psychological pull than a chemical withdrawal, and I think that is progress.

    I am not sure why people leave your life, but I would suggest that cannabis can put you in a bubble (as you are well aware), and it is hard to make real 'connections' with people. I remember an ad I saw years ago about some stoner losing all his friends because of smoking cannabis, and it definitely weakens the connection you have with people. Or so I found. Maybe people would be more likely to stick around if they felt connected to you, and if you are in the present.

    I would beware of sitting around waiting for your sobriety to fix all your problems. Quitting smoking weed can make you more clear headed and more motivated and more present, but you still have to put in the effort to rebuild your life. It is still up to you! You have to do the work.

    I am wondering if maybe you will enjoy other people's company more when you are clean for a while. Because how long did you smoke for? People might have just left because there was nothing holding you together, and you were off with the pixies.

    I hope you have a great day and not too many cravings! I am having an absolutely hellish time at the moment. So I am sorry that I haven't been around.

    Cheers,
    Alice

  5. #65
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    Day 19 - though...wait...counting the smiley stickers...huh...according to smiley face stickers since the day after Memorial Day (May 29), I'm on day 23. yay! I'll take it!

    Today was ok. Played a game I'd been avoiding because I was on the verge of getting my butt kicked, and actually wound up winning! Woo! Then went to the hardware store to buy supplies to fix my brick/mortar problem - time to learn tuckpointing. For those who don't know/have a different word for it, it's when you take the old mortar out from between bricks and add new. Not looking forward to it, but at least I have the equipment now. Bag of mortar, trowel, grinder, etc. Just call me 'Babs' Vila (RIP Bob Vila)!

    Had a talk with a neighbor, who told me about her own personal incident with druggies in front of her house, and I decided enough was enough. I spray-painted the K-rail (cement block thing blocking the end of the street) with the following warning: Drug Dealers, Drug Users, Go Elsewhere, We Are Watching. Yes, I took a drastic step with my corner guardianship. I felt bad sort-of defacing our street, but if it stops people from coming up here and doing their stuff, yay for us! I feel a little hypocritical too, since I am/was a pothead, but I never hid on a dark street to smoke, unlike the junkies who keep coming up here. Bright white paint for all the world to see. It should glare at them as they drive up the street and hopefully make them keep going. Today was quiet for traffic, but it will take a few more days to determine if the warning is working. Keeping my eyes peeled for a gold Lexus dealer...the turd.

    So maybe it was more than an 'ok' day. It was mildly triumphant ("Most Triumphant!" - Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure). Won a game, bought supplies to fix my house, and did my part to protect my street. Woo!

    I missed posting yesterday because I spent the whole day listening to music, doing laundry and working on the last puzzle. Got it (the puzzle) 60% finished in one day. haha! I think I also serenaded my mail carrier. I heard him drop the mail while I was in mid-tune, and I'm pretty sure he paused for a moment before going across the street. teehee...he's cute. I don't mind singing for him.

    Speaking of cuteness...I think something else is coming back now that I'm de-saturating from pot. The libido. The past several nights of dreams have all involved intimate relations in some way. I really need to go out and meet people. haha! Then again, I'm self-conscious and paranoid enough to not want to just 'play the field' anymore. Gotta find a mid-range solution. Or tell my morals to shut up. Or tell my libido to shut up! Ugh...I can admit it to you all because we're all admitting things here, but I can't admit it to anyone else...it's been 5 years. I'm on the verge of nun-ship here. Yeah, TMI, but I had to vent. The Lib was crazy-healthy before I started smoking, and then paranoia and wisdom kicked in and shut that whole thing down. Pregnancy! Disease! Drama! Nooooooo!!! But...I'm older and wiser...I should be able to handle this appropriately. 'Should' being the operative word. Ugh...

    Anyway...new topic, yes! no...That previous post about how to burn off THC fat...I wasn't kidding, AND I was rather mad that I was dispensing knowledge that I wasn't using myself. Eh...share and share alike. Might not work for me, but if I can help others...that's all that SHOULD matter.

    Anywho...I wanted to make sure I posted today. Remarkably enough, I didn't think about pot until I decided to post. I call that a win.

    Oh, and It's all Good, Alice. I just wanted to make sure I didn't offend. I hate offending! I hope everything sorts itself out on your end.

    This is Busted Wagon, the (Horny) Street Corner Protection Patrol, signing off. (Yes, TMI again...deal with it and go grab your significant other!)
    Last edited by BustedWagon; 06-21-2017 at 08:41 PM.

  6. #66
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    Jul 2015
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    Hi Busted,

    It is good to hear that you had a good day. I hope that your graffiti scares the druggies off. Hehe.

    I hope that you find a nice boy to take advantage of your increased libido with. Perhaps the post guy will come in for a cup of tea, teehee.

    Have a great day!
    Alice

  7. #67
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    Howdy folks,

    Day 24

    I actually went out today. Heard from a friend and we went out for lunch. It was nice to see her. She's married with a daughter and works from home, so I understand that she doesn't have much time. I try not to bug her. But I went over and we sat for a bit and then went to lunch. It was a nice afternoon. Got caught in rush-hour traffic on the way home and some j*rk took the merge space that I was creating for someone else, but after giving him the finger I tried to calm down rather than rage about it. He was the a**hole, not me!

    I notice these things much more after starting to see the Doc. Becoming more conscious, more mindful, of not only how I react to stimuli, but how deep it goes. Yes, I was mad, but there was no reason to stay mad. I managed to remind myself that I was being the nice person, and even though he leaned out the window and laughed (which was infuriating and felt like a loss of battle on my part), he was still the j*rk, not me. I was inches from his car trying to keep him out, but I didn't want to get in an accident on a 4-lane bridge with someone who probably doesn't have insurance anyway. I can feel good about being the adult about it, not boiling that someone was a butthead and I couldn't stop him.

    Anywho...I won't give him any further thought. The puzzle is nearly done. Yeah, I burn through them pretty fast. When I was a kid we had this giant 4000 piece puzzle that I would put together and take apart repeatedly day after day. Or we'll say week after week. I like the hard ones with the funky-shaped pieces and lots of confusing colors. Mind-benders!

    Spoke to my mom. She's finally starting to listen to music again. When my dad died 6 years ago she just shut down, and then refocused on her mother, and then Gran died last year. I've been trying to tell her to listen to the music she's always loved, but she associates everything with Dad. It was nice to know that she's rekindling a little bit of mini-happy in her life. Even if the songs make her cry...it'll be a good cry, not a bad one, and it won't keep happening as long as she keeps listening.

    Eh, amateur Dr. Busted on call for any woe.

    Haha...thanks, Alice. I'll have to make some Iced Tea for the mail carrier...too hot for hot tea. But that's a slick idea!

    Ok, gonna go. So far no vandalism to my drug dealer warning sign, though quite a few cars have slowed down or stopped at the corner for a second. Probably taking pictures. Hopefully the police won't cite me for vandalism. Eh, I've got enough paint, I can cover it if I have to.

    Have a good one, people!
    -Busted

  8. #68
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    Day 28

    Sorry it's been a while. I got absorbed in gaming and potential home repairs.

    I have learned tuck pointing (brick re-pointing - replacing the mortar between bricks)! I had a practice session with my friend on Saturday, and then went out today to try some on my own. This will save me serious money on home maintenance. It's a messy, time consuming job, but so worth it when you figure that low end brick specialists can still charge upwards of $8,000 to do a whole house, and that's a really low price. Average for an entire house (at least where I live) can hit $15,000 easily. But, for $70 in supplies (only $40 of which I'll have to continually replace) I can do this job myself. Yay!

    And needless to say, a project keeps the mind off weed - though my friend and I were both sad we couldn't smoke when we were done on Saturday. He's on forced-quit too, though he's been going for 9 months now. We talked about it, had a good laugh/lament, then went out for Chinese Buffet and booze instead.

    Anyway, I wanted to post before I forgot. Hope you're all doing well.

    -Busted

  9. #69
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    Hey Busted,

    It is so great to hear that you have a friend in the same boat as you. I am so glad that you had a nice evening. Chinese buffet and booze sounds perfect :-)

    Good luck with the tuck pointing. Sounds like it will be worth it :-)

    Cheers,
    Alice

  10. #70
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    Jun 2017
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    Good luck bro.

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