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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #71
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    Howdy folks,

    Day 34

    I've been busy trying to get the house in order for company, and kept skipping posting here. I still haven't caved, which is good. Not to say I don't want it anymore. I don't think that will ever go away. As I keep saying, it was my preferred happy hour. No hangover, a good night's sleep...I miss those things. But I'm slogging away...keeping my mind off of it as best I can.

    I finally bought something for the house that I've been putting off - a new storm door for the basement door. It cost an arm, a leg and a kidney, but it was less than I was planning for so that's a win. Once installed I'll be able to utilize my backyard more readily, and will have more incentive to work on the basement. It will also finally stop water from coming in when it rains. So, getting things done. I have a feeling I still would have done it if I'd been smoking - it became a necessity - so I'm not counting it as smoke-free progress. Just house progress.

    Some time in the next week or so I'm going to home-test again. The sooner it comes out clean, the sooner I can get going with job hunting. All this time I've been thinking about it as a back-up to the dehydrated stuff I have on hand. If I used the dehydrate and it came back inconclusive, I didn't want to fail the second test, so I've been waiting. But once I'm actually clean, there won't be a need to use the dehydrate. I'll keep it in storage. I'm just too paranoid to use it without a back-up. My luck tends to work that way...

    I showed some backbone last week. Met up with some friends for happy hour, we went across the street to their house to smoke, and though I sat with them, I didn't have any. It sucked, but at least I didn't cave in. I miss that smell. T'was yummy, but I politely passed. They smoke super-strong stuff anyway, which I'm not too fond of. I liked my regular better.

    Anyway...34 days since Memorial Day - 33 not counting today. Hopefully in another few weeks I'll be cleared out.

    Gotta go - still some cleaning to do before company arrives. Have a great week, people!

    -Busted

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)


  2. #72
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    Hi Busted,

    Congrats on staying clean when people around you were smoking. That is huge! It means that you are developing a really strong mindset and that you can weather anything. I find that every time I clear a hurdle like that, I get stronger in myself.

    I am hoping that you will start to notice some positive benefits of being cannabis free soon. I started noticing that my brain was working so much better at about six weeks. Although you think that you will always think fondly of cannabis, I find that with time and space, and all these sparkly clean benefits, I romance it a lot less. Perhaps we were at different stages when we quit. Although I did enjoy it, I was definitely over the mind pollution. It felt dirty and messy. I felt the same way about cigarettes, and now that both are gone from my life, it is so nice to have a clean and pollution free house and life.

    I hope that your test comes back clean soon. It will be great to be able to find some work. Are you still thinking of something with the Post?

    Have a great week tooooooooo!

    Alice

  3. #73
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    Greetings,

    6 days since my last post. Amazing how something so regular suddenly gets forgotten. So I guess this is 40 days! As of July 3rd I'm still dirty. Trying to wait a little while longer before I test again. I'm getting a little worried about the job hunt. It's been nearly 4 months now. But there's no point in applying until I'm clean. Even temporary employment agencies test now, so anything longer than a little 2 day job will still test me. The post office is a government job, so I know they take forever and I could apply now...but knowing my luck they'll call sooner than I'm ready and I'll be screwed. That's just how my luck works, so I'm not tempting fate.

    Thanks for the support, Alice. I'll admit my mindset wasn't exactly strong when I abstained. I whined the whole time. But I was with friends so we all got a giggle out of it. I still haven't decided how permanent this quit will be. I know, I know...life will be better without it! But my life is not exactly filled with activity, or the desire for activity. I did more when I had smoke to come home to than now when I don't. I'm just drinking too much now.

    Begin Tangent: Wow, that was quick. Just put out the critter feed 15 minutes ago, and already a deer is cleaning it out. Good thing I put more elsewhere for the squirrels or they wouldn't have a chance. She must have been sleeping in the woods behind my yard and saw me fill it. Sneaky devil. That's why I only put out a sprinkle of feed in the bowl. She'd eat an entire 20 lb bag if it was there, and then die of overeating. I raised the bird feeders as high as I could, and thankfully she can't reach them. Bowl for deer, feeders for birds. End Tangent.

    Anyway...yeah...I still miss smoking. Had a weird collection of repeat-dreams last night - kinda getting tired of the weird dreams. Though one was a continuation which was odd...and again I had to remind myself that it wasn't real. The first time a few months ago, I was riding a motorcycle in some neighborhood when it suddenly skidded out from under me, cruised down the street and around a corner (as in 'drove itself') and was gone. This time I was on the same street looking for it when traffic decided to ignore the rules - it was a two way street but everyone was coming from one way and running up on the sidewalk at me. Then I spotted Tara (from The Walking Dead) fixing a tire and asked her if she saw my motorcycle. Crazy - since I've never owned a motorcycle, it was odd that it felt real and I had to remind myself that I never lost one in the first place.

    Intoxicant addiction. Stimulant addiction. Caffeine, alcohol, cigarettes, marijuana. You wouldn't believe how many cigs I'm smoking a day now. It's really bad. And I'm drinking too much coffee. But I need something. A life of water is boring. Even Iced Tea gets boring after a while. Why should I live with boring? At least I'm not drinking soda - I miss Mt. Dew and Cherry Coke.

    It might be a form of fear that has me saying that I don't know if I'll quit forever. I mean honestly, what's the incentive for me? I can't see a silver lining to this and maybe it's because I'm not looking for one. Or I don't know what to look for, or where to look, or what a silver lining is. All I see is boredom, the same lack of social life I've ALWAYS had, the same two-faced interpersonal interactions I've always received. But now I'm older and the pool of compatible people is shrinking fast. At least in your 20's there's always some other group to try to get to know - all of us in the same boat. But now...single people work a lot, smoke, drink, are hermits, or are very uptight or snooty. The fun people either have a vice or money. I'm not joining a knitting group. And frankly if I get caught in another conversation with women with children, I'm going to pull my hair out and call them all stupid. Maybe they're not, but listening to them, watching their kids throw tantrums that I would have been smacked upside the head for, trying to pitch in my two cents to the conversation only to get that 'what do you know, you don't have kids' look...it makes me want to puke. That was my 4th of July this year. Surrounded by parents and kids - my age, mind you, but still a world I want nothing to do with, and can't socialize with. But hey...I'd guess that 75% of my peer base are parents now, so my options are slim. Ugh...vermin breeders. Nothing personal, just my opinion. I was a vermin too once, but I had the Fear Of Parent instilled in me, so I didn't misbehave, talk back, or say NO. That caused me trouble and I knew by age 6 that trouble wasn't good. I stayed in my room until called for.

    Heh...maybe that's the problem. No, that IS the problem...no 'maybe' about it. I didn't want to get the third degree for going out to play. "Where?", "With Who?", "What?", "When?"...If I didn't do anything, I didn't have to answer the questions and didn't have to deal with the disapproval. Then they tried to choose my friends for me, ignoring the fact that these people didn't like me (or I didn't like them), and an endless cycle of friend-lost-friend-lost-friend-lost began that has never ended. So yeah, I miss the friend that has never let me down; never abandoned me though I have now abandoned it.

    Ugh...guess I'm ranting too much now. I need to check the weather and see if it's actually going to rain or just be gray all day again. I wanted to work on the brick yesterday but it always looked like it would rain. I can make myself take 2 hours to work if it doesn't rain.

    Off to make breakfast and watch Dark Matter. Adieu, peoples!

    -Busted

  4. #74
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    Hi Busted,

    It is true, if you don't take action to live a life that makes you happy, nothing is going to change. While you might feel happier, more connected or clearer in your mind without cannabis, it is not a cure all. I am wondering if maybe you should consider taking steps to give up cigarettes at some point? They could be holding you down in that negative space where cannabis seems as though it is your enduring friend. I got a huge boost in self esteem when I gave up cigarettes.

    It may be easier for me to say this. I lived in a small country town and I was going out of my mind with boredom on the weekends. I just wanted a life, so I made plans to move to Melbourne (a large, capital city in Australia). In January of 2015 I gave up cigarettes in preparation for this (and because I had been wanting to quit for so long). I finally succeeded with the help of a great forum (http://forums.delphiforums.com/quit_smoking) and nicotine replacement therapy. In September of 2015 I moved to Melbourne, and quickly found some great friends. It was so incredibly nice to go out to theatre and music and bars and restaurants and art galleries. It was finally the life that I wanted. It felt like cannabis was holding me back, so in March 2016, I quit that too.

    I am just telling you this story, because I think it can be different when life changes for the better and quitting cannabis makes it even better. I think that if I were still on the coast in that tiny town I would still be smoking cannabis. There was nothing that connected me to the world, and no friends to engage with. I think there is a great deal of wisdom in the fact that feeling 'connected' can make you feel more inclined to quit and stay quit.

    In your situation, it sounds as though you don't feel very connected in the world at the moment. And you don't necessarily feel any urge to be? I would hate to think that this means that you are going to end up back with cannabis and that you will just live in the bottom of that dark hole.

    I know what you mean about friends who have children. I think we are a similar age, so I am in the same boat. I have found that there are a whole community of people who don't have children though, and are for the most part single. It is really great to have found a group of people in the same situation. I think it is a lot more common than you would think!

    I think that you need to do some work on working out what you really value in life and taking steps to move towards that life. It will bring meaning and fulfilment to your life and isn't that what we all want?

    There is a section on values in this book: https://www.actmindfully.com.au/book...d=855&catid=61 I am not up to that part yet, because I am still working through earlier chapters, but if you are into the idea of building a better life for yourself it might be helpful!

    I hope you enjoy the rest of your weekend! Exciting about the prospect of looking for work soon!

    Cheers,
    Alice
    Last edited by Alice; 07-09-2017 at 05:09 AM.

  5. #75
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    Howdy.

    Day 41. Before I start...well, this is start, but I'm going to follow a script today if I can...so script...

    Point #1 - Activity: I woke up knowing that it was going to be sunny today, so my mind was set on working on the brick. Started around noon, ended around 4. I didn't start earlier because the sun is on that side in the morning. Finished brick, took a shower, washed my hair and that was it for activity.

    Ok, on to Point #2,3,4,etc. Going to try to keep on topic of response. I hope I don't get snarky. Going to try to stay objective.

    --Difference between our upbringings...country vs suburbs. What you said made it seem like there wasn't much to do, and you were aching for things to do, and so went to do things, and are happy now doing things. I get that, and the progression makes perfect sense. I grew up in an environment where there were things to do, or not do. I didn't want to do, but was made to do. I left that environment, tried my hand at doing things my way, and found that I still didn't want to do things. (My friend just tried to tell me today to get out of the house - but I don't want to.) I'm sounding like a hypocrite, since I whine about being bored.

    --Connected to the world. I've never felt connected to the world. I tried for a long time to plug in (so to speak), but let's just say my plug doesn't fit the world outlet. I'm a 3-prong cord person in a USB outlet world. No matter what I do, no matter how many adapters I try, I don't fit. It makes me miserable to be constantly reminded of this, so I stopped trying to fit. There IS that little voice inside me trying to tell me to connect with my fellow humans - I think it's my mother's voice...the same person who made me do things I didn't want to do - but that little voice (like her) continually ignores the fact that I don't fit in. That I may coast along for a while and play the game and try to enjoy, but eventually it goes bust. There is no connection to the world. Frankly I don't get this world. Materialism and Capitalism and Social Pressure and Eternal Disgust...I don't get it at all. I'm miserable every day trying to figure out a way to fit into something I despise. I don't want to connect - honestly, I am nearly 100% sure I don't want it. Ok, 90%. That last 10% wants love and sex and camaraderie once in a while. It's just a really loud 10%. Probably hypocritical being on this post board, but I'm here to keep myself from smoking. Any attempt to connect will backfire as it always does, as it probably is now, so I don't hope for that. If I wasn't posting I'd have bought more weed by now. Groan...wanted weed today.

    losing track...

    Um, yeah...I know in most instances you would be absolutely right, and maybe I'm being a hard-headed idiot, but I just don't trust people...don't trust the world not to kick me in my teeth just when I start smiling. Maybe I didn't learn how to not take it personally. Maybe it's like my mom says and I just haven't met the right people to connect with...but I think that the people I'd connect with would feel the same way. So...none of us are out there looking for each other, and everyone else I rub the wrong way eventually.

    If I lived out in the middle of nowhere - in the country as you called it - with nothing to do but look at the trees and birds and sky...I'd probably be happy. I'd be outside every day knowing that there was nothing to worry about, no one to need me, no (possibly unjustified) worries about someone breaking into my house, no one wondering why I'm not out like everyone else. Heck, I probably wouldn't smoke...just commune with my surrounding nature. Like that lady in the movie The Happening, who lived out in the boonies off the land with wax lamps and a wood fire and just gardened and raised chickens and never saw another soul. Yeah...I'd actually probably like that. No people to worry about...just me.

    So yeah...That is who I am...would be...am. I don't want to be involved in day-to-day people BS, because eventually they stab me in the back. Go out, meet people, be nice, be ignored. Get involved, do things, be committed, lose interest, be hated. Care, want, get, have, lose, be miserable.

    I was a shark or a whale or a wolf or some other solitary animal in a previous life.

    Now...the battle to be fought in all of this is...Do I force myself to change, or not. I don't want to endure pain for the sake of society, but apparently I'm in some sort of pain anyway. Learned behavior or natural tendencies? Which should be heeded? Are both steering me wrong?

    So yeah, if I had the notion to connect and wasn't so jaded, I'd totally agree with you. I agree that the concept is right for some people. I just don't know if that's a group I fit. Creates a headache, doesn't it?

    If I'd moved to Alaska and was living 10 miles from anyone, we probably wouldn't be having this conversation. haha! I'd be happily chopping wood and communing with the bears.

    I'm a weirdo.

    But...as always your words are very supportive and induce thought. I've just got to think long and hard about what I do about this mess of a life I live.

    Ain't so messy. Once in a while I do what I want and feel good about it. My brick pointing skills are improving. Woo. It's the little things...

    Until next time, this is the jaded, whiny Busted Wagon signing off.

    -Busted

  6. #76
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    Hi Busted,

    I am so sorry. I can be insensitive sometimes. From my perspective it is really hard sometimes to know what to say on the subject of someone else's feelings and life. I admit, it can be a challenge not to ruffle feathers. I am sorry if I peeved you off.

    To be perfectly honest with you, if you feel no particular need to 'connect' with people in the world, then that it is totally your prerogative. This is really the beauty of living to your values, because if you don't value being social or connecting with people, then there is really no reason to do it. It only works for me because I have this deep need to connect. It is actually more complicated than that. I wish that I could be a bit more honest with you about this particular part of my personality. I can be a bit reserved sometimes, because of prying eyes.

    It is like relationships (or children). They are only something to aspire towards if you really truly value them. If you don't, or if you just want to do it because you think that is what you 'should' do, or that is what everyone else is doing, it is never going to make you happy.

    If I am completely honest with you, the motive behind my last post was to suggest that maybe your life can be rich and fulfilling in some way that is valuable to you.

    I don't think you are a hard headed idiot at all. I guess I was just concerned that you would feel like cannabis was a better way of life. But each to their own.

    The most important thing is that you enjoy your life and find it to be rewarding and fulfilling. If you don't, then maybe you could consider doing some work on identifying your values.

    I don't think it matters that you are happy to write on a forum, even if you don't want to connect with people in real life. That is the beauty of the internet. It can provide connections that are less concrete.

    Take care,
    Alice
    Last edited by Alice; 07-09-2017 at 10:16 PM.

  7. #77
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    Quote Originally Posted by BustedWagon View Post
    (My friend just tried to tell me today to get out of the house - but I don't want to.) I'm sounding like a hypocrite, since I whine about being bored.

    --Connected to the world. I've never felt connected to the world. I tried for a long time to plug in (so to speak), but let's just say my plug doesn't fit the world outlet. I'm a 3-prong cord person in a USB outlet world. No matter what I do, no matter how many adapters I try, I don't fit. It makes me miserable to be constantly reminded of this, so I stopped trying to fit. There IS that little voice inside me trying to tell me to connect with my fellow humans - I think it's my mother's voice...the same person who made me do things I didn't want to do - but that little voice (like her) continually ignores the fact that I don't fit in. That I may coast along for a while and play the game and try to enjoy, but eventually it goes bust. There is no connection to the world. Frankly I don't get this world. Materialism and Capitalism and Social Pressure and Eternal Disgust...I don't get it at all. I'm miserable every day trying to figure out a way to fit into something I despise. I don't want to connect - honestly, I am nearly 100% sure I don't want it. Ok, 90%. That last 10% wants love and sex and camaraderie once in a while. It's just a really loud 10%. Probably hypocritical being on this post board, but I'm here to keep myself from smoking. Any attempt to connect will backfire as it always does, as it probably is now, so I don't hope for that. If I wasn't posting I'd have bought more weed by now. Groan...wanted weed today.

    -Busted
    I can so relate to the strange pull of two conflicting attitudes or desires in one situation! You don't want to get out of the house, but you are bored. I know what that feels like. I guess it is a case of accepting the boredom and sitting with it, OR accepting the fact that any time that you do something in this life that brings you closer to a life that you value, it is going to feel uncomfortable for a while.

    In terms of this idea that you 'don't fit', it may well be true, but I think sometimes our minds will tell us stories, like 'I don't belong here' or 'these are not my people', but all they are are stories, a string of words, symbols and sounds grouped together. It is not a case of whether it is true or false that you don't fit in. I guess the more important question is - is it helpful?

    I would suggest that any kind of thought that makes you turn in on yourself and question your value in this world is just going to make you feel worse. I don't think much of neoliberalism, capitalism or materialism either, but I do think there is room for EVERYONE in the world (even if that place is in Alaska chopping wood). This is obviously not a popular opinion, because apparently it is FINE that some people live in such complete poverty or war zones. It is too confronting, , , now who is 'avoiding' the world?

    These are all big issues. The truth of the matter is that I have to work this afternoon and I have spent over an hour writing these responses already. I think you are worth it! I think you are an interesting and exciting person!

    Cheers,
    Alice

  8. #78
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    I too have been through very reclusive fazes of my life and although I feel better when I do mix more with people there have been times when I just really haven't wanted too and when I was feeling that way in all honesty I probably wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway, I guess I needed to be ready to do so again and actually feel like I wanted it once more and for me that took quite a period of solitude and maybe that's just what I needed before I would be ready again.

    So maybe busted you will feel the need again at some point in time but it may not be until you are ready to feel that way again and if not then hey you can always become like a yogi mystic man or something, there may well be some who genuinely are happy with the peace and solitude they get from being that way even if it's ones own personal opinion that it's best to mix I guess everyone has to find their own path that they themselves feel is best for them.

    All the best,
    Cannabis Rehab Admin

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  9. #79
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    Greetings all.

    I forgot to post yesterday. I wasn't pouting and cursing anyone, I promise! I just forgot.

    Day 43.
    wait, gotta howl with the dogs - a siren went off somewhere and the neighborhood is howling. I get a kick out of that. Yes, weirdo.

    Oh Alice...I didn't think anything you said was insensitive, I just wanted to be sure I was clear on perspective. Sometimes I respond to you without clarifying where I'm coming from, and it comes off (to me at least) as rude when I reread it. We are all different people with different lives and backgrounds, and we have to think about that when we interact with each other, whether in person, on the phone, or online. You gave me your perspective, which I appreciated, and I did my best to reciprocate with my own, even if it came out wrong. No worries.

    I really don't know what I want...what my values are. I think I have an idea, but they don't mesh with what we're supposed to want these days, so I never feel if they're right or not. I think that will be something to visit with my Doc in our upcoming sessions. We'll have to do some 'value' exercises. Good idea...thanks! I'm sort-of floating randomly without a sense of direction - letting the current take me, but making sure I'm in a really lazy current so that I don't get in over my head. There's a rushing river within sight, but I don't want to find out whether I can handle it. Does that make sense?

    Somewhere along the line in my life, I had an opportunity to be proud of who I am and what I wanted, but I think I hit a wall or something. It made me not want to bother anymore, for fear of judgment or disappointment or some other un-cool reaction. It is easier to stay off the radar than face judgment all the time. I learned that at a very early age and unfortunately never broke out of it.

    So I think that's why I'm constantly confused and fighting. What do I want? Do I know what I want? Is it what I want or what someone else has tried to make me want? How do I tell the difference? How do I accept good ideas from outside sources and use them without feeling like it's what someone else is telling me to do instead of what I want to do?

    You didn't peeve me at all! Ugh...typed words are the bane of our existence. That same conversation person-to-person over a cup of coffee would have been much clearer. Down with communication via keyboard! hahaha!

    I don't want to view cannabis as a way of life - better put...I don't view it that way, but I do recognize its value in my existence. (internet just froze on me - lost my thought in the past 5 minutes...where was I...ah, yes). I just want it to be an enjoyment, not a crutch. I thought that by stopping (in addition to the job hunt), I would find that my outlook on things would change. They really haven't. I was a deep over-thinker before I smoked, I didn't connect before I smoked, I was jaded before I smoked. But I was younger and able to ignore the world then. I know too much about how I feel now. The only real difference is that before smoking, I would write down all of my laments (I had a 50+ page journal on an old computer in college, and a giant blog in the 2000's). With smoking, I'd wander around the house monologue-ing to myself about my laments. But the laments are still there, and I still think too much.

    Yeah, I think some values exercises might help. Right now I'm asking myself what do I truly value, and every answer feels wrong. Not that they're bad, they just don't feel like what would be accepted. I shouldn't care, right? But I can't think about me without thinking about what people think of me. Backwards and crazy, isn't it? Doggone judgment complex is what it sounds like.

    If I could just accept myself as ok, I'd be ok. I know that. It's like being in a dark room, feeling like you're actually alone and able to do what you want, but every time you look up, there are eyes in the darkness. You speak to them but they don't answer, you step forward to try to find them but they disappear, yet as soon as you go back to what you were doing, they're there again...watching silently and feeling more menacing the longer they're there. You start to question yourself all because of those silent eyes. Smoking filled the darkness with haze, so I couldn't really see the eyes anymore, but I still felt them.

    Wish I could draw or paint or create...Used to write poetry but it was all so depressing that I stopped. I need an outlet. I can visualize that 'eyes in darkness' clearly, but don't think I could draw it.

    Anyway...no hard feelings, and I'm sorry if I made you feel like there were. Constantly apologizing to each other, aren't we? I guess it's better than not feeling apologetic.

    I need to realize that this is how I've always been; it's my personality, like it or not. I might as well learn to like it, since that's the only way I'll get control of it and not let it bring me down and keep me cowering. I just always feel so wrong, like there's something wrong with me, so it's hard to accept me as-is. If I was a bad person, with mean or bad tendencies, then yes there would be a reason to feel wrong. But I'm not and I know it. I just can't accept that things work out the way they do for someone who's not a bad person, so I keep thinking there's something wrong with me.

    Doc says that I'm constantly pulled in two directions and can't reconcile. Like I said above...learned behavior or natural tendencies...should I have to choose between them, or can they meld together in harmony somehow without compromising my unknown sense of self?

    Should have been a shrink. haha! Or a theoretician...whatever they do. Something wordy and deeply thoughtful.

    Anyway, I am still smoke free, which is good. It's supposed to rain all week, but next week will be sunny before another week of rain, so I'm planning ahead. I WILL finish pointing the brick in the porch wall next week, come hell or high water! I've been expecting rain for the past few days and then being mad that I didn't go out and work when I could, so I'm planning a working week next week. That way I won't feel bad this week for not doing anything. Still need to pay my bills though, but I can do that in the rain.

    Thank you for putting up with my ranting and whining and mental madness. This is me, I guess, stoned or not, so I just have to go with it and stop berating myself for it.

    Yogi mystic...yeah...sometimes I think I was one of those types in a previous life too. Solitary medicine-woman, banished mystic, woodland witch. Who knows? That's the other problem. I'd love to find out, but I'd feel weird going to one of those people who can do past-life regression or whatever. The ever-present "what would people say?" stops me. Darned Mom...she tried to instill in me that what people think matters, and no matter how hard I tried to ignore her, it's still ruling/ruining my life.

    Ok, gotta run to the store and post-office. Then I'm going to drown myself in SimCity4. I hope you all have a good day.

    -Manic Mystic Busted

  10. #80
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    Sorry I should have said mystic woman not man, with all our cryptic but wisely discretionary usernames it's easy to sometimes forget, I am a male rehab admin by the way. Anyhow yes worrying about what others think, I too am still trying to free myself of that completely as it's something I feel there is always more work to be done on (and I am already out there) but there's nothing worse than the expectation of aspiration a British middle class upbringing can install.
    Cannabis Rehab Admin

    If you wish to Use then Use, Your Body Your Choice, You're NOT a Criminal and I wish you well!

    My Choice is to be Drug Rehabilitated for 13 years because I Chose to be free from its Control on me!

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