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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #81
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    Hey Busted,

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)



    No worries at all. You are so right, this form of communication can be so haphazard sometimes. It is good to hear your perspective.

    I think you know the answer to the values thing. The reason why they are values as such is because they are meaningful to you, and other people's opinions don't matter a hoot. I am sorry that you give a **** what other people think, about what is important to you. I can empathise, because although I have been brought up not to care very much, and with a pretty strong sense of intrinsic motivation, my brother is very caught up with 'what other people think'. It is curious, that one person could be immune to this and their very own brother could be bothered with it.

    It is great to hear that you might do some work with your doc regarding your values. I am pretty sure that when you start to work out what they are and what is important to you, that life can and will get so much better.

    I completely understand with your thoughts about not being sure what your values actually are though. I have a lot of trouble with this too. Sometimes someone on the outside can see something that you don't. For example, with you and your passion for computer games, I can see that your 'need for cognition and stimulation' is high.

    I am REALLY enjoying this Happiness Trap book that I am reading and I am looking forward to later on in the book when we do values work. I can't believe how much it has changed my world already! Today, I started the day in tears because of a torturous relationship, and I still managed to pull myself together and work all day. It is like I have two levels to my consciousness now. There is the level that is hurting. There is the deep hurt in my stomach and the tears behind my eyes, but 'I' am outside that, observing it, and not getting hooked up in it. It is pretty amazing! I can tell that I am going to be so much more productive because of it.

    It can take a bit of practice, but it is rocking my world, and I feel very hopeful that this book will give me some guidance about how to identify values too. I guess it is like being more observant of yourself and really getting to know yourself, rather than getting distracted by some thing or other, and not really tapping in to what makes you, tick.

    I enjoy reading your posts and I think it is good for both of us to be able to vent. I am so happy that you are still smoke free, because to be honest, I am starting to notice changes in your behaviour. I feel like it is easier to connect with you lately, even if we are connecting through a screen. It must be six weeks now, weed free! I am so excited for you. I know that you said that you don't really notice the difference. I am just wondering if you would prefer to be writing down your thoughts, rather than monologuing them to yourself? It seems more real to me, somehow. If you know what I mean?

    I think that accepting yourself is a good aim. That is all that anyone can really hope for, I think.

    I hope you are having a good day, and that your brick work is going well and that you are having some nice weather. I am drinking a beer after working for most of the day, and contemplating an evening of music and reflection.

    Cheers,
    Alice

  2. #82
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    Quote Originally Posted by Cannabis Rehab Admin View Post
    there's nothing worse than the expectation of aspiration a British middle class upbringing can install.
    As an Australian, and in some way encultured in the the British way of life, I can begin to imagine the expectations of a British middles class upbringing. Is it any wonder that people walk around with so much judgement for themselves and others, when they are expected to achieve in a certain way?

  3. #83
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    Greetings peoples.

    Day 45.

    Another false rain day. Looked like it would rain all day, sprinkled on and off but not enough to justify calling it rain. I could have worked on the brick but waited too long. grrr...

    Didn't do much of anything. It's like my plan for next week has given me a free week of loafing, but I'm not accepting it and still getting mad that I didn't do anything all day. Oh well. Took out the trash. heh...I guess we'll count that - I could have skipped it.

    Actually agreed to a trip plan with my mother. Yeah...I'm a sucker. But I try...I really do. She said something interesting about archeological digs in Virginia, looking into old colonial areas and stuff. It sounds cool, like something I might actually enjoy, so I told her to count me in when she goes. Let's hope that I remember my enthusiasm when she says she's booked our trip. I have those flights of fancy when I think all will go well with her, but when it actually comes up it's like someone dropped lead in my stomach and poured acid down my throat. But the idea of digging around for history interests me enough that I hope I'll still be as gung-ho for it as I was this afternoon when I said "I wanna go! Count me in! Don't go without me!" She's excited now...that should be enough. Hopefully. She's trying to do things again - going places by herself. It's been 6 years since my dad died, so this is progress. The first 4 years were hell, as can be expected when you devote your life to someone, so I'm glad she's creating some silver lining for herself.

    The cool thing is...even though she says she's alone, I've always told her that he's still with her. And get this...once in a while she smells cigarettes in her house. Yeah! No one smokes around her anymore, not even in the neighborhood. She said she smelled it in her kitchen last week, and as soon as she acknowledged it, it disappeared. That's Dad alright! Checking in on her the best way he can. We're not all in tune like some people. She said that when my cousin was in the hospital last month, she and her mother were in the corridor outside her room, and they both saw my Dad at the same time...in the corridor in the hospital. My cousin is more in tune with spirits though, not like she's some channeler or something, but she saw our grandfather after he died, while no one else did. But to think that they both actually saw him standing there...now that would be something cool. I don't think they'd lie. I figure he's reaching through the channels he can get access to. Me, I assume things from what I feel, but I don't actually see. I felt panic and sadness and a hasty goodbye once that started me crying, and an hour later I found out his nephew had a stroke. Works for me. I'll take what I can get and I took that as contact. I watched a movie once whose characters reminded me of his family, and had to pause suddenly to inquire about his brother. Found out the next day that my uncle died. So I don't exactly get to see things, but I get an inkling once in a while that makes me pause for thought.

    Anyway...I guess I was rambling there. Point is trying to maintain a bond with Mom. She wants so badly to communicate with him, but I tell her "hey, what do you think smelling cigarettes in a non-smoking area means? He's communicating with YOU!" I'm not a religious person like her, but I do feel better thinking that we - as in our energy - remain free in the cosmos somehow. I wrote a poem for my dad when he died, and the last line was "I do not mourn his loss, I celebrate his freedom". So yeah, he's out there, appearing to my cousin, leaving smoke in my mom's kitchen, and subconsciously guiding me through my home improvement projects. I'll take it.

    He smoked. Yeah. He called me one day not long before he died. Asked me to guess what he was doing. Could have been anything..."I don't know, Dad...what?" "Well, I'd better get it done before your mom gets home." I looked at the clock and it was 4:21!!! Meanwhile I had been smoking too. "Did you pause for the cause, Dad?" "Heh, yeah." It was the only time we ever acknowledged that kinship with each other. I'm glad we did...I'm glad he shared it with me. I'm sure he's keeping an eye on my Quit. Probably nodding his head that I'm doing ok, while wondering with me if it will be permanent. I never brought it up because I didn't want him to feel like it was his fault, and he wasn't the type to just out and say it.

    Aaannnyyyway...this is the quit smoking board, not the dead relatives board. haha! Sorry folks.

    Had three weird dreams last night - I guess because I woke up twice before morning. It's odd how I can have multiple dreams in a night. Usually you might remember one, or only have one REM cycle, but I seem to have more than one if I wake up in the middle of the night. Is it the quit? I don't know. I can't remember if it happened before pot. One was about self-doubt and forgetfulness, the next group pressure and redemption, and the last involved monetary prejudice and bad architecture. Crazy stuff.

    I wanted to smoke today - mostly because it was raining. But I also did either a good or a bad thing. Contacted my supplier just to say Hi, wish him well, and let him know how my clean-out what going. I've been going to him for so long that to just stop communicating all because of Quit seemed rude. I do wonder how he's doing and always worry that he's keeping safe, so I figured I'd say howdy. What it means in the long run I don't know, but I felt better being friendly, instead of treating him like a store I won't shop at anymore. I mean, I give his family cookies each Christmas...I'd be a j*rk not to say Hi, Hope you're well.

    Ok, gonna go. I wanted to try to stay up longer, but that might not happen...yawning now. I'll wake up 3 times if I go to bed now...grrr.

    Have a good one people.

    -Busted
    (Edit: I tested today - still dirty. )
    Last edited by BustedWagon; 07-13-2017 at 10:10 PM.

  4. #84
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    Day 49.

    Been trying to keep busy working on the wall, but I was so sore today that I couldn't do it.

    Screwed myself by missing a filing for my unemployment benefits. Have to reapply - hope it doesn't deny my claim. I need that money.

    Been in a fog of not paying attention to anything other than the wall repairs. I guess I missed filing because of it. Hard to keep track.

    Haven't been sleeping much. dozing and waking every 2 hours, though it's a REM sleep doze...I'm aware of everything around me, not feeling like I'm asleep, but I'm dreaming too and can't tell dream from reality when I wake up. I need to sleep. I don't want to take pills for it. Bad enough I'm downing allergy medicine to induce sleep - it only lasts 4 hours or so and then I'm awake. I need real sleep...pill-free sleep.

    can't believe I lapsed on my unemployment. where the hell is my head these days? I just don't seem to care about anything.

    not much else to report. going to try to stay up late tonight - hopefully fall asleep in front of the computer - that way maybe I'll sleep through the night. I need sleep. This is killing me. Mind says 'sleep time' by 10:30, but then I lay there and doze all night rather than actually sleep. Maybe if I stay up until after midnight I'll actually sleep. I hope so.

    I need this clean-out to be over...I need to get a job and I need to sleep again. It's taking forever. Part of me wants to see if I can convince a doctor to write me a medical prescription to help with insomnia, but I doubt it would work...and it's cheating anyway. nearly 50 days...I need to buy more tests and see if I'm clean yet. not like 4 days is going to make a difference, but it's killing me.

    -Busted

  5. #85
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    Hi Busted,

    I am sorry to hear that you are struggling a bit. I remember when I quit, I got to a point where I wondered if it would ever get better. At that point I read lots of stories of people who had been through the same thing and that really helped. It turned out that a breakthrough was just around the corner and I hope that is true for you too.

    It is understandable that you feel a bit off at the moment. It took me a long time to get my sleep into shape, but I hope you get some relief soon. Maybe the lack of sleep explains the fog, or the forgetfulness, as lack of sleep can really affect your cognition.

    Try to be kind to yourself!

    Xx Alice

  6. #86
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    Day what...51...yeah.

    Trying, Alice...really I am. Isn't easy.

    Too darned hot to function. My plan to work on the wall went up in smoke, or steam, as it were. Not gonna kill myself to keep busy, not when it's 90F and 70% humidity.

    Still can't sleep...but at least I didn't cave in to allergy medicine last night. Don't want to build a tolerance, nor dependency, to it.

    Friday I'm going to buy more tests. Time to check again. Not quite 60 days, but I need to check.

    Just a quick post. Running the air conditioning and two computers is killing my electric bill. Must turn off a computer.

    Have a good one people.

    -Busted

  7. #87
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    Hi Busted,

    It might be the heat that is affecting your sleep too.

    You are doing a great thing under difficult circumstances!

    Good luck with your test on Friday!

    Stay cool Do you get into iced tea? I love that during summer. It can be so refreshing. Summer feels like a million miles away from where I am now, all cosy in my house, in from the cold and rain.

    I hope the rest of your week is good

    Cheers,
    Alice

  8. #88
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    Day 52.

    CLEAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!

    FINALLY!!!!!!!!!

    52 stinking days! This is the first time in 20 years that I've not had pot in my system - that first toke was in 1997! so probably 20 years minus a few months - it was fall '97.

    WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

    I was staring at that darned strip as it soaked up the pee...'please show me a line, please!' It's like the inverse of a pregnancy test. Clean line showed first, then control line. Yahooooo!!!!!

    Now...to find a job.

    No wonder my sleep went back to weird. You were right, Alice. That last bout of sleeplessness must have been due to the transition from tainted to clean.

    ahhhhh...CLEAN!!!!!

    Time to prep my resume for departure and work on some cover letters! Woo!!!!

    -The CLEAN Busted Wagon

    Edit: Oh...so absorbed in my own madness I forgot...Yes, I love Iced Tea. Homemade, not that powdered stuff. Tea Bags, Lemon and Sugar...yum! I tell you what, I'd kill for cold. I love the cold, I hate the summer. We'll switch! Time-share, as it were. I'll go down there and live in your place for your winter/my summer, and then we can switch just in time for my winter/your summer. haha! Deal? I can't wait for it to drop to Coat and Socks weather. People think I'm weird, but I'd rather be cold and able to add layers than roasting and naked sitting in a bucket of ice and still hot. Do you get snow or just rain? Mmmm...snow...I'll go for walks for hours in snow. Yeah, I'm crazy.

    Ok, must eat.

    -Busted
    Last edited by BustedWagon; 07-21-2017 at 06:19 PM.

  9. #89
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    That is so cool Busted!! Congratulations

    It is so great to know that you can start to make plans to find a job. I am really happy for you

    You are doing it. Do you notice that your happiness when you found out that you are clean is more sincere than it was when you were smoking?

    Homemade iced tea is definitely the business. I don't use lemon or sugar, but I do have some interesting herbal tisanes that make for very flavoursome iced tea when steeped and cooled.

    I would exchange places with you and give you winter and take your summer, except to be honest, I really love winter too. I love the brisk feeling of the air on my face and being cosy inside and all the delicious winter foods like soup. We don't get snow, it obviously doesn't get cold enough. It has been a dry winter too this year, although we have had a little rain this week. Do you get snow where you are?

    The sun is shining today though, which is lovely for a Saturday morning. My house is north facing, so I get the beautiful sunshine in the mornings, it is so good

    Summer can be uncomfortable with the heat and not being able to get cool. I am so happy for you that you have air conditioning in your house. I must admit that I find the heat invigorating. Have you been making lots of fresh salads? I think if you eat light food it can help to cool you down. Are you near the water? Do you swim?

  10. #90
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    Howdy folks - Day 55. Yeah, still counting.

    Let me just say first, one of the best songs in the world is Breath After Breath by Duran Duran, off of the 'Wedding' Album. It makes you feel like just spinning happily in the sun/rain/wherever, like a top that will sail off into the cosmos. Such a great uplifting song. And no, it has nothing to do without being smoke-free. This was my go-to, first-bowl-after-work song to just shed the drama of the day and feel light as a feather. I'm actually happy I feel the same way about it without weed...was a little worried the novelty would fade. Kick off your shoes and boogie! Had to go repeat the song...love it!

    Speaking of post-pot-ness. Heh...your enthusiasm is touching, Alice, but no...that happiness had nothing to do with being clear-headed and everything to do with finally being able to hunt for a job. haha! It was more of a 'finally, I can get to work!' than, 'Ahhh...life is shiner without pot!'. I did, however, enjoy a full 7 hours of sleep last night without allergy medicine or too much booze, which was nice. But yeah, sincerity of feeling hasn't crossed my mind. I've always felt sincere in feeling - maybe not confident in reception of expression, but in feeling, yeah. The most I'm hoping for is a return to not giving a F what people think about me. I ignored it back in the day before pot came along. But then again I was a naive, over-confident 20-year old. What do they know? I didn't know much, and I knew more then than they know now, so yeah...

    Anywho...rambling...or is it ranting...kids are stupid these days.

    Yeah.....anyway. I applied to the post office today. Long-winded application process that I made longer by being even more thorough than they were asking for. Take that, government. Then got paranoid when I went directly from their website to this one. If they're tracking me it won't look too good, but hey, it's the QUITTER'S board, right? Phooey on them. Should have cleared my cookies though. Oh well. I'm clean...if they can't scroll and read, my immediate post after applying will repeat.

    I AM CLEAN!!!

    phooey.

    Well, it's another rainy day. The desire to work on something productive and dirty went out the window when I washed my hair this morning - it'll take forever to dry, so not going to work on the wall today. Plenty of other crap to do, including trimming the nails on my left hand. They're getting in the frelling way and I can't type! Darned nails!

    Might play some piano too.

    Have a jolly good day, peoples!

    -Busted

    ("Cause everybody knows...she's a femme fatale. The things she does to please...she's a femme fatale. She's just a little tease...she's a femme fatale. See the way she walks...hear the way she talks." -Duran Duran 'Femme Fatale)

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