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Thread: Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

  1. #1
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    Default Slogging through Misery - Quitter's Journal

    I'm starting my own thread because it seems to be ok and I want my own thread. Preferably cotton to polyester. Seamstress joke sort-of.

    Copy of original post on freshface's thread:
    ***
    Greetings. I spotted your thread (posted so conveniently recently), and decided we're going to help each other. haha! I have just decided as well that I need to get myself under control with my smoking, and so it stopped as of last night. I need to get a new job, true, but more importantly I need to remove my ganja-colored glasses and finally face the world head-on.

    I've been smoking for probably 20 years now, though only in the past 8 years has it become every waking moment outside of work and sleep. I'm also a hermit by nature, which makes it even more difficult to face 24 hours per jobless day.

    I tried this a few times before. Once for job hunting years ago (stopped for a month, still failed the test), and then a few weeks ago I tried again. The depression was unbearable. I knew the whole time it was due to not smoking, but couldn't help but believe that it was the past (pre-weed) coming back to make me miserable again. Instead of pushing through, I backpedaled and bought more pot.

    I'd like to stand with you on this platform, if I may. Two strangers waiting for the same busted smelly bus to take us somewhere we don't really WANT to go, but need to anyway. It seems like a better idea than sitting on the bench in the corner watching the world go buy and wondering if I should get in line or not.

    I have an idea for myself that I'll share. I plan to keep a journal of sorts. I call it 9-12-3-6. If I'm awake when the hour rolls around, write down how I've felt for the past 3 hours. It sounds excessive...whoops - Noon. hang on.

    the noon post: "Signing up for Cannabis Rehab Forums. Not a people person, but I'll try to reach out."

    My idea with this is that it will give me something immediate to focus on. As I get better, each 3 hour stretch may have a better report and make me feel better about my progress. Pot smoking is an immediate thing...want it now, want to relax now, now is taking too long to pass - give me something to speed it up. I hope that keeping this regular schedule - like checking in with a monitor or something - will help me control my mind.

    I DO NOT WANT TO STOP SMOKING!!!!! Honestly, I don't want it out of my life. What I want is to be able to have it on hand and pass it over. Be one of those people who can calmly say "nah, I'm not in the mood today. Maybe tomorrow." It's part of my addictive personality - if something is there I need to use it until it's gone. Food, booze, cigarettes, dish detergent. I want to control myself, if it's possible. I have one bit left over, wrapped up and stashed away, and I want it to stay there. 4 months, 6-12 months from now, I want to be able to look at it and say "hey, you're still here! Victory for me! But y'know, I'm not in the mood today."

    I'm going to keep an eye on your thread, and others. If you're holding yourself accountable, I will stand on the platform next to you and hold myself accountable too. Or at least try to. I'm human, y'know...not perfect.

    Best of luck, freshface. To both of us.

    ###

    Cute of the day: Two baby squirrels are chasing each other up and down the pine tree outside my window. I can tell they're new to it because they're moving very slowly and carefully, as though not too sure of themselves, which makes sense since one fell out of the tree earlier. Confidence comes with time and experience - lesson taught by a squirrel.

    $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

    Ok, so it's day one again. I don't feel any withdrawal symptoms, but for a lazy gamer/movie/hermit, boredom sets in very quickly. So far I've started two games and lost interest, made 3 wandering circuits around my house, tried to drown in trailers on YouTube but lost interest, and for the life of me I don't feel like doing anything else. That is the main problem with my quit-journey. I've always been a 'keep to myself, keep myself entertained' sort of person. I'm not a gym person, I hate exercise, I hate going through the motions of going ANYWHERE.

    And I'm bored. Day stinking ONE! I hear you all now...go outside, do something...but that is a switch in the brain. A switch that most people develop in childhood and already have a basic handle on even in withdrawal. I don't have that switch. Or if I do, it's not clearly on the wall. Instead it's in that slimy tunnel from Temple of Doom with legions of creepy-crawlies and I DO NOT WANT TO REACH IN THERE! I need a mental power-washer or shop-vac to clear out the critters, then some mental bleach to kill the slime, and then MAYBE I'll reach in to flick the "activity" switch.

    So...bored. I'm going to try to post daily frustrations. maybe at the end of the day, I don't know. Accountability, like freshface said. There is so much that I need to do, and plenty that I could do to pass the time, but it all feels like a chore (has ALWAYS felt like a chore). This is my mind, I know, but this is the first hurdle. I don't crave because I want the fix, I crave because I want time to pass unnoticed. If I chose to notice time, be an active participant in it, I probably wouldn't be so bored, but yeah...one thing that happens now is my eyes stay on the clock. Is it later yet? Is it night yet? Can I sleep yet? Get this over-with!

    A little history: I started smoking around age 21, been smoking for 19 years. It started socially, with not-my-stash, when people wanted to. Yay! I'll be sociable! I had a little bit of a handle on it being a sometimes-thing. Then I met more smokers, and would seek them out to smoke with. Kind-of like the 'Scavenger Smoker', but at least I brought funds to contribute if needed. I was too chicken to buy my own. This continued until age 24 or so. I only had my own when I bought with friends and there was leftovers. Then I left college, moved home, and started smoking with old friends who were so excited that I finally joined the gang. Yay! I'm part of a group! After a year of slowly increasing frequency and occasionally pilfering from my dad's stash (what's he gonna say? "Pass the sugar, and are you stealing my weed?"), I moved out, across the state with my life in a Uhaul (see, proof that I can do something when the planets align correctly) and returned to my first smoker friends.

    These weren't all hermit people like me. Some were healthy moderators, happy to partake but in control of themselves - active people with lives. I was jealous of them, but I didn't want to spend every waking moment of my life running around and doing things. I am the queen of vegging. if that's a word. So bit by bit I started smoking more and they started smoking less. I stayed home more. I bought more computer games, more movies and tv shows. Moved further away from walkable action. Stayed home and smoked more. Lost touch with everyone I used to tag along with. Couldn't find new people to hang out with - well, new smoker people, yeah...but I can smoke at home. Why go to someone elses house, get totally baked, and then get the stink-eye when I admit that I've had enough and should go home before I can't?

    Stopped going out, stopped hanging out, bought more movies and games, had another planet alignment moment and bought myself a house, set up the ultimate stoner den with multiple rooms of loafing delight, and lost all touch with people.

    For assistance with finding a reputable and accredited Marijuana Rehab Service Provider in the USA you can call the US Government’s FREE SAMHSA’s National Helpline on:

    1-800-662-HELP (4357)



    6 years in the Stoner Chateau. 6 years still living the apartment stoner life. So much I want to do now, but stuck in that cycle and unwilling to get out. I have a G**D*** piano for crying out loud! That I demanded be sent to me rather than left abandoned in my childhood home. I have a deep-seated desire to relearn everything I've ever played, plus all of Chopin and Suzanne Ciani and The Sims Build music and David Lanz Skyline Firedance. But it sits there staring at me. Dust covered and giving me yet more stink-eye. "You had me dragged 300 miles to you and you don't touch me! What am I, a mail-order bride?"

    So...before I waste all of my venting, that's the story. This is what I'm up against. Never had a will to have a life, just a desire to have one. Now I'm removing the ganja-colored glasses that blocked out the world before I really saw it, and I have no idea what I'm looking at, where I fit in it, or what I should do with it. I'd rather put the glasses back on, but I know that I'm not happy with them anymore. I want the will to play my piano, the will to write all of the stories in my head, the will to finish remodeling my house, the will to exercise (it is a four-letter word in my book), the will to socialize. I didn't have it in the first place, but I'll never develop it wearing reefer-glasses. That much I know.

    I'm jealous of all of you for being so strong-willed. So I'll be coming back to feed on it.

    Oh, and I changed my mind from yesterday - the stash is gone. You guys inspire!

    Until next time, which will probably be tonight.

    -BustedWagon (sorry this is so long!)

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  2. #2
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    Day 2. Even though I'm feeling determined, I've still done next to nothing today. Aside from a run to the store and 10 minutes of weed-wacking b/c that's all the cord I had left, I've read these posts, read the news, played two rounds of RCT, and it's only 6. It was too darned warm out to function (in my book), but I could have done a ton of other things. Pot crossed my mind a few times, to be sure. If only to make time go faster. grrr...

    This evening will probably end like last night. Read an entire book from 7-midnight and then went to bed. Why is nothing else fun?

    One positive - I have been keeping up with 9-12-3-6 (so far). It seems to break up the day so I don't have to think about morning to night with nothing to do...just 3 hours. I'm so lame it's disgusting...hence the attempt to do something about it. But a little voice keeps asking me "If you're just a lazy bum, why not just be a lazy bum? Why beat yourself up over it?" Well, little voice, because now it seems that every time I smoke I wind up spending have of my buzz lamenting that I'm not being more productive. Why waste a high?

    Oh, another thing I'm doing is putting a little happy face sticker on the calendar for every day I don't smoke. Yes, like a kindergarten teacher and the stars on your forehead. Can't hurt. The last time I tried (last month) I had a week of smiley faces. It felt kinda good, actually. Lame, but good. So I've got you people, the Hours Journal, and smiley face stickers. Like I'm 3.

    Hmmm...self-depreciation. I was self-depreciating before I started smoking. This will be fun.

    "You don't own me, you're not the only one of my toys,
    You don't own me, I want to learn to have other joys...
    And don't tell me it's ok, and don't say 'oh just one more'
    Just let me find myself, that's all I'm asking for..."

    -Busted

  3. #3
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    Hi BustedWagon,

    Great to see your day 2. Your journal is very compelling. I think that is a great reason to continue to both abstain from weed and to keep writing. You are quite a talented writer. I would love to see you develop that. And maybe writing could be one of the things you could do to while away the time?

    I also think that you are quite right: 'If you're just a lazy bum, why not just be a lazy bum?' - at least right now. Withdrawals can be challenging, especially the boredom, so I would suggest not beating yourself up about not being super productive right now and just concentrating on distracting yourself and getting through the days. Maybe when you are six months to a year clean you can start to look at your life and make some positive changes. Right now, I think your only task is to get through this and to reward yourself with small but nice things to help to rewire your brain.

    A lot of things will get better all on their own, but I do think that we have to take some responsibility for making our lives better, and this is so much easier when you are not high all the time.

    A smiley sticker may seem like a small thing, but it is those kinds of small rewards both psychological and physical which can really help to build your success. I found that when I was quitting the more I distracted myself with writing and reading and the more small rewards I gave myself (such as a cup of herbal tea, a warm shower in the evening, lighting incense, cooking a new meal), the easier it became.

    It is great that you have already found something (reading) that helps to while away the evening hours. Those hours were the hardest for me, and reading can be a good one because it is one of those activities that is so much more enjoyable when you aren't high.

    If you want my honest opinion, I think that you should be spending your free time writing. You are very entertaining. Ever thought of writing a novel?

    Good luck tomorrow!

    Alice

  4. #4
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    Day 3.

    First, Thanks Alice! Your compassion and supportive comments to everyone on this forum are a wonderful blessing.

    Spent the morning reading To Kill A Mockingbird. Amazingly enough I've never read that book. Not bad, I must say. Sad but educational. I tried to mow the lawn twice, but the sun mashed me under its boot heel and I had to wait for the storm clouds that never brought rain. I did make it through a full movie though, which was amazing since normally I can't sit still without a bowl. But these are the lessons I must learn. I still like movies, I still like games. I just need to learn to like them without enhancement, as it were.

    Oh, a tip for all of you fighting boredom. Google Maps. or whatever map program you use. I just spent an hour searching out dinky islands in the south pacific for the heck of it, and then did a street-view tour of Badulla, Sri Lanka. Quaint and cosy looking town, I must say. Seriously, tour the world via online maps. You'll be surprised how much time you kill without thinking about pot. I toured Athens, Greece and Reykjavik, Iceland that way too. Learn something, see familiar things in foreign lands, grow some appreciation for other people, and forget about pot. Woo! The Car Radio store in Badulla made me zoom all the way in to see if I could spot what they were selling.

    I still haven't worked on the house, but I did touch my piano today - more to bugger-off a cat staking out my groundhogs than anything else, but it felt good. I'm very rusty. And the cat went away.

    Rambling.

    On a more poignant note, sleep is elusive. About 4-5 hours a night. The birds wake me up around 4:45 no matter when I went to sleep, but after closing the window I'm able to get another 2-3 hours. It's hot in my bedroom (no central air), so the window stays open, and the birds perch on the power line 3 feet from it to announce the morning. I need to buy more ear plugs.

    Speaking of birds - if you're a nature lover, another good distraction is just watching the critters in your yard or on your street. I have a psuedo-nature-preserve in my yard (deer, squirrels, birds, groundhogs, rabbits, chipmunks, stray cats), and it gives me something to look for when my mind wanders to weed. "God I want a bowl! Are the robins in the birdbath again? Let's go see. Woo! Deer! Bonus!"

    Well, that's it for now. Time to pick another book to read until I can't keep my eyes open - probably 12:15 or so.

    Best wishes to all. Keep on keepin' on! I hear another bird in the birdbath.

    -Busted

  5. #5
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    Hi Busted,

    You make me laugh. I am definitely going to try your suggestion about Google Maps. It sounds like heaps of fun!!

    I wish you lived closer I think we would be great friends

    Keep listing out all those things that help distract you from weed and you will succeed!

    You are doing great!

    Cheers,
    Alice

  6. #6
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    Good morning all,

    Quick note...I read an article yesterday about the increased number of people getting high and employers not being able to hire them. (Colorado in focus: Companies need workers — but people keep getting high) This double-edged sword is one of the many problems with MJ use and legalization. States make it legal, the government keeps it illegal, and most major companies have to go with the government.

    What I wonder is, why don't people think about this when working or job-hunting? Is it ignorance? Defiance? Do they think that the rules have changed? Even if I lived in a legalized state, I would still take steps to pass a drug test, know the drug test rules of my employer, or just not take a job that tested (even though most do). It's paranoia more than anything. A paycheck relies solely on my ability to be employed, and that ability relies solely on the company I'm working for or applying to. I'd want to keep my paycheck coming.

    I recall that when states first started talking legalization, the rule of the country was deep in the debate. How can a state do something that the federal government won't? How will this work out? You'd be trapped in your state smoking, at risk of arrest the second you cross the border. It all seemed like a catch-22. And now here we are facing that catch. Sure, you can buy it in the shop next to your office, but don't let your office catch you or you won't have a job.

    Tell your still-smoking friends to be smart. See the employment/marijuana glass as half empty at all times - it will save you a headache. I have a few friends who smoke during the workday, and I'm both amazed and shocked about it. How can you be confident in the security of your job? Don't you worry? Which is more important...making money to buy weed, or smoking the weed you buy? No job, no weed, right? So why risk it?

    Yes, we're all facing the addiction, and in here we're all trying to kick it to the curb, but really people...the only way the Fed will ever lessen its laws is if we show some intelligence about it. As long as people keep showing up to work stoned, they will never legalize at the federal level. Those stats ARE going to the government, y'know. And they are used as ammunition against legalizing the use of a plant that grows on the side of the road if you throw seeds out your car window. It's preposterous, like criminalizing tomatoes, but we're not in charge, the government is. If we want to be in charge, we have to show them that we're smart enough to do right.

    I probably sound like a hypocrite or a colossal nag, but even though I've smoked for half my life, I never smoked before or during work. I was too paranoid that I'd get caught and fired. Having a source of income is infinitely more important to anyone than being high. It just is, folks. I love wake-and-bake as much as the next person, but kept it to the weekend.

    Think about it this way...how horrible would you feel if you found a great job, and lost it on the first day due to a saliva swab? The easiest test of them all...failed. Personally I'd feel like a world-class tool. At this point I'm willing to get swabbed first thing every morning at a job just to prove I'm not high while working, but that would never go over without a confession as to why.

    Tell your smoker friends (haha! just remembered ReeferMadness - "Tell Your Children"). Help them not lose their jobs, subsequently ruin our jobs. Help them see the smart route. The smarter we are as a whole, the better it will be for everyone.

    Stepping down off the soapbox now...wasn't as quick a note as I thought. Sorry.

    -Busted

  7. #7
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    Ok, Day 4.

    Thanks, Alice. I have been told many times that I should write...one of the things I'm trying to wrap my brain around.

    Let's just start with last night's sleep. WTF?! 10-12 or so, and had a dream that someone made me eat a raw goldfish. EWWW! I hate eating fish, and have goldfish, so it was disturbing. Fell back to sleep around 12:30, to dream some weird The Mist/Pacific Rim/Jacksons 'Can You Feel It' dream where 10 story shiny bronze mutant circus animals were terrorizing some city. An elephant with 8 trunks and 12 legs and an accordion on its chest, a tank hippo with a cannon (sp?) on its head...and I kept dropping my camera while people were running for their lives. The birds then woke me at 4:48 like clockwork, and then I slept until 8. T'was uber weird!

    Activity levels were sub-par. Ran to the store, made breakfast, read the news, then watched a ton of YouTube, played Diablo 2, more YouTube, and here we are. Frelling YouTube - blessing and curse.

    Emotions were running a little above normal - I was searching out emotional songs that made me cry...on purpose. Did you know that George Michael and Luciano Pavaroti (sp?) did a duet of "Don't Let The Sun Go down on me"? Luciano also sang with Tracy Chapman and Barry White. And he makes me cry. So the tear ducts got a workout.

    This is where we are. This is who we are. We fight ourselves because we don't truly trust if we're right or wrong for ourselves, only basing it on whether we're right or wrong for society. But society is a construct of us. We define it, it should not define us. But it does. And we tear ourselves apart trying to live up to its expectations, or trying to give it the finger. Why can't we just exist in it? Why can't we see our individual boat on that river of life, and accept that we have our own boat? Yes there are others paddling beside us, but we compare and contrast our boat to theirs, rather than just seeing them as someone else on the same river. That yacht may look spiffy, and we may be jealous, but we have our own very nice outboard that serves us well. Why can't we see it and accept it as it is?

    So I stick my paddle back in the water, try not to think about how nice a motor would be, and watch the ducks swim by in my wake. At least I'm not disturbing them.

    Twice today I wanted a bowl. grrr...

    "It's hard to love, there's so much to hate, hanging on to hope, when there is no hope to speak of. And the wounded skies above, say it's much, much too late. So maybe we should all be praying for time." -George Michael

    Music can save us...it can save you, me, the birds, the bees, the trees...enjoy music. We've all got a Fast Car, we can all drive away.

    -Busted

  8. #8
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    Read some more posts, and realized that a lot of people explain their quantity, quality and frequency. I don't think I've done that so here-goes.

    I would buy an ounce a month. My guy was good to me after so many years, so I was really only spending $120/month. Regular stuff, not high end. High end got wasted in my hands. There was no 'smoke and let it ride'. Just packed bowl after packed bowl after packed bowl. I feel for those of you who bought grams at a time at beaucoup (sp?) bucks a buy. I determined early that I would budget it in like a utility bill. Once per month. It used to be a half a month, but that got upped to an ounce. Still...regular is much cheaper than kind. I just never got into the good-good because I knew I'd still be packing bowl after bowl. Good stuff my way goes for a ton...$100 for a tiny amount, etc. I couldn't fathom spending that when I was just burning non-stop, so I went the frugal route. Still smoked too much.

    I wonder if there's a correlation between the quality of bud and the severity of withdrawal symptoms. Those of you with sweats and upset stomachs make me wonder what type you were smoking. If I have those symptoms I will definitely let you know. As of yet, all the times I quit I never had those problems. We'll see. Either way - nausea or no nausea, I'm with you.

    Anyway, I'm only on day 4, so I've a long way to go. Keep up the fight, people!

    -Busted

  9. #9
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    Good morning people,

    I just wanted to share something that makes me glad I didn't smoke (or have smoke) this morning. WILDLIFE! "Wildlife in the city..." (don't know the name of the 'Hot Child in the city' song, but yeah...).

    Had I done my former-usual wake-and-bake this morning, I would have missed a ton of nature in my yard. I would have been late putting out the critter and bird feed, and missed the wild turkey crossing my yard - who subsequently came back in once she saw there was food. I would have missed her interaction with my groundhog, who popped out of her den to see an interloper, and sat by the entrance to her den until the turkey left. I would have missed the turkey crossing paths with three deer across the street - sharing a forage spot for a moment. And I would have most certainly missed the 2 dozen or so starlings and their babies who came to raid the suet feeder and feed their young. My what a chorus. All of this between 8:30 and now.

    WOAH!!! there is a GIANT redheaded woodpecker on the suet feeder. It's like twice the size of the little cage! I would have missed that too! The starlings are trying to sneak in, but there's no room. I wondered why it got so quiet.

    Yes, so I am very happy that I did not wake and bake this morning. Granted a bowl would be nice with breakfast...but I'm glad I don't have one. I'd have been late putting out the chow and missed the show.

    And the best part...I'm not in a rural area. I am in the city. Well, on the edge of the city with woods around me, but still on city land. Nature count: 1 turkey, 1 groundhog, 3 deer, 1 giant woodpecker, 1 squirrel, and 2 dozen starlings. Awesome!

    Have a good day all! Think of all you'd miss if you smoked today!

    -Busted

  10. #10
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    Day 5.

    Today was good for the most part, but I am dreading what's coming. By day 6 last time I quit, I was waist deep in depression and calling my best friend bawling my eyes out. By day 7 I'd bought more. I feel a little better this time, but who's to say what's coming. I guess I could quote G.I. Joe and say 'knowing is half the battle', but that's no comfort. The fact that I enjoyed watching nature all day doesn't soothe me. It's like knowing you're coming to that intersection that is always a nightmare no matter what time of day, but you have to go through it to get home. There's no other route to take, but you know it's coming.

    I feel very up but my thoughts are down. Or is it the other way around? I just had a triumphant day playing computer games, but...when I stop to think about it I feel like a loser. Tried to call a few people to say hi...but of course no one answers at 8:30 pm on a Saturday. I'm the only fool not doing something fun. Ok, maybe not the only one in the world, but I don't know all of the rest of the people staring at a computer screen with a home-made cheeseburger and a beer. It's hard to find us.

    They need to make a Hermits and Homebodies website. Not like those regular meeting sites that make us feel inadequate. Something for those of us who could be happy being an H&H if we knew other H&H's. It's probably facebook, but I hate facebook. Eh...phooey.

    No dreams last night that I can remember. Still 3-hour brackets of sleep.

    Oh, I have noticed a diminished appetite. Breakfast remains the same, but by the evening I have to force myself to make something even though I'm not hungry. Usually I need breakfast and dinner...but dinner desire is negligible. Weird, since I wasn't a munchies person. I'd make yummilicious dinners with all the food groups, but no snack food. You'd think I'd still want dinner.

    Not much more to say today. This morning was just the right way to start the day...everything was rather blah after that. The starlings...they stayed around all afternoon. And the deer cut through the backyard to eat the rest of the squirrel feed on their way home for the night. The two young ones are very skinny but about the right size to be cut loose. And their mama looks preggers, so I think she'll be dropping them off soon. "Here's a safe place to eat and rest, kids. Now get lost!"

    I enjoy watching it, but when I think about what other people might be doing with their time I feel like a loser. Who sits around watching critters all day? Shouldn't compare...really shouldn't...I'm me, they're them. But still...if I was smoking, I'd still be sitting here watching and feeling sorry for myself. So what difference does it make?

    Ok, not going to go on and on about it. Quite odd how the mood changed from the previous post to this one.

    Have a good night.

    -Busted

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