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Thread: 4th Day No Marijuanas!

  1. #1
    Join Date
    Oct 2017
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    Default 4th Day No Marijuanas!

    Hi everyone

    I have never posted on a forum before, I'm usually quite happy to read, though I have been writing, I figured it would do no harm in posting my story and journey with people who are going through the same things, though for me it is a big step considering usually I keep myself fairly guarded in fear of backlash, but whatever, why not! Here goes; my apologies in advance for how any of this comes out, I'm just going to let it all fall out of my mouth.
    I'm 24 and have been smoking for eight or so years now. Weed has been my best friend for quite some time, though in my case it was one of those friends that made me feel really great while simultaneously pulling me away from myself.

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    I started smoking occasionally with friends when I was 15 and only really started smoking heavily when I was 16, when my grandma, my favourite person in the world, passed away. At the start weed was just a fun thing to do socially for me, my Mum has smoked weed since I can remember and all through high school my friends started smoking before I did, I was never really interested, the first few times I didn't even really get high, as I've read it seems not many people really do the first few times, I wonder why that is. ANYWAY (I'm great at getting side tracked haha) my habit turned from harmless to harmful when I started smoking for the wrong reasons, instead of it being fun or relaxing, it was to numb myself as I let myself fall into a deep depression, I was so hurt after losing my grandma, I related her loss to the same pain I felt when my Dad passed away, I told myself that everyone was going to leave anyway, so why bother being close to anyone or anything anymore? I knew at the time that it was a bad path to go down, mentally, but i didn't care enough about life to resist it. Weed was my saviour through some of the hardest times of my life, it relieved my suffering when I needed it the most and I am grateful for that. I continued smoking every day, as much as I could, until I passed d fack out. Eventually I didn't really feel like being numb anymore, when I was 21 I realised just how much it had held me back. I was always a somewhat anxious girl though I could keep it under wraps and it wasn't hard for me to push through social anxiety, it wasn't until I started WANTING to get back to my social self that I realised just how far I'd strayed from myself. I felt disconnected, fuzzy, hazey, and in despair when I realised that every time I got high, I would start depreciating myself more and more. I'd waste my high by feeling guilty about getting high. I'd wake up nearly every morning telling myself that I wouldn't smoke when I got home (I live with my Mum, so it is ALWAYS in my household) by the time I got home I'd argue with myself from anywhere between 5 minutes and an hour, telling myself not to have it. Finally I would give in and feel guilty about it for the rest of the evening, promise myself I wouldn't smoke the next day, smoke the next day anyway, promise myself id do something while being high, didn't do that, day after day after day, eventually whenever I thought about quitting the self depreciating thoughts came back with a vengeance, it was a bit like "OH HA, you say that every time, you already know you're gonna smoke weed, you don't do anything you say you will, what makes you think that this time is any different?" Yeah, I wasn't very nice to myself. When I got high it was my excuse not to do anything. I wouldn't go see my friends, even though the only two friends I had left at the time were just getting high anyway. When my friends finally got me out for a weekend out I'd be hanging til I got home and could smoke up away from everybody and everything. Even sitting in my loved ones company ended up feeling uncomfortable for me unless I was high. Years passed so quickly, I never really had a party phase, I never really made that many friends after high school, I never really put myself out there, I never went back to school after I dropped out, I didn't have faith in myself, I still kind of don't, but i hope these things will change.

    Weed made my overthinking brain far far far far farrrrrrr better at over thinking, though my thoughts were constant, they were all far too blurry to pay attention to, to grasp on to. I wanted to be clear so badly, the only time I was successful was last year, I stopped for two weeks (after months, if not years of preparation and torturous thoughts) but then my boyfriend and I broke up, so I just launched straight back into it as over time I had not used any other coping mechanisms other than this. I continued smoking, always bongs by the way, until last month, I swapped to joints while on a trip to queensland on my own. I always found it quite hard to resist bongs when my mum smokes them, and so do the other people that come over, my aunties, my cousins, my friends, my mums friends, all weed smokers. Anyway, fast track a year and a bit and I've started again.

    I ended up stopping because my thoughts have still been haunting me, self depreciation is hard to deal with. Apathy is annoying, I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and doing nothing about it. I decided to finally, take a step forward into being the person I wanted to be. Hell, I was torturing myself about it every day anyway, I fear my depression and anxiety would have gotten ten fold worse, I often let myself fall into a withdrawn little shell when things feel too intense for me, I am usually such a positive and happy person, always there for people, always encouraging people to talk about how they felt so that they wouldn't feel alone, yet I was finding it hard to express myself let alone know how I felt inside, all I was starting to feel was misery, I don't actually remember the last time I had a joint that was guilt free.

    Sorry for the long ass story, I suppose in a way I am also using this as my quitting journal. I had been writing it in the notes of my computer but I always tend to repeat myself and not really get out how I truly feel, just a whole bunch of pre-thought about crap that doesn't come out right, this has seemed to help me a lot today.

    Anyway, first day was great because I was just proud as that I didn't give in. Second day, was average, I tried to keep myself busy and see my auntie. Third day was terrible, I kept myself busy all day at my aunties and then left late at night and literally cried the whole way home, it was a good cry, i love crying sometimes and for so long i wasn't able to cry no matter how crap I felt inside, id always hold it back for some reason.

    Today, the fourth day, was pretty crappy. I cried a lot today as well. I also wrote a lot. I read a few books. I don't feel as hungry as I used to be, I've been drinking more water though. I've smelt weed around me every single day so far, I figure if i can try to quit while people are still smoking around me, then there will be no need to retrain myself later on, i mean if i avoided it at the start, I'd have to get used to it later on any way. My mum has been smoking in a different room, thats been a great help, I don't really crave it that much. I only crave it when my emotions start to feel too intense, so that I can numb them. I can not wait to feel more stable and in control of my emotions. I hope that happens. I'm fearful that depression and bad thoughts will stay even without the weed. Though I am aware that I can use the power of my own mind to change that, the last few days I have felt far too hopeless and apathetic to even bother turning my thoughts around.

    Tomorrow will hopefully be easier. I miss my happy self.

    To anybody else that is quitting at the moment, good luck. May you believe in yourself and look to the future for better days.
    I feel I wrote far more than I really needed to, but it made me feel better so I'm thankful.
    Anybody who gets through my post, good on you, haha, it was quite an essay.

    I have more to say, but I'll leave it at that for now.
    Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Instead of waking up and allowing myself to sink with negative thoughts again, I am going to try my hardest to do things that will create some momentum in my life. Positive change doesn't happen all at once, it happens in tiny steps. Today and yesterday I could NOT be bothered even TRYING to make my circumstances better. Actually, thats a lie, yesterday I forced myself to go swimming, that helped. Todays sadness and emotions have probably been the worst. I feel its because (obviously) my brain is not used to producing all the good chemicals on its own, without weed. But I also wonder if because of how I started, maybe I repressed a whole lot of stuff that is sure to come up in one way or another.

    Either way, I'm grateful to have been able to share my story, in writing this I have been able to be more open and honest with myself than I have been able to for a very long time. I have actually been able to express myself. Go me.

    I think its extremely important to give yourself a pat on the back for the good things you do each day, no matter how minor they are. I am usually somebody who expects more of myself and always pinpoints the things that I haven't done right, or haven't done at all.

    I am proud that I've finally made this decision. I hope I stick to it.
    Anyways, thats enough rambling for one night.
    Peace!

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  2. #2
    Join Date
    Jul 2015
    Location
    Melbourne, Australia
    Posts
    1,022

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    Hi Aussiegirl52,

    I am an Aussie girl too Nice to meet you!

    I think you are doing an absolutely amazing thing. The fact that your mother smokes and that you have smokers around you, makes your situation really challenging and it is completely understandable that you have got caught up in the haze (as it were) of being addicted to cannabis.

    It sounds like you are really strong and I would definitely encourage you to keep writing here. I found that the more that I wrote and read about other people's experiences, the stronger my mindset got and the better able I was to quit.

    I am just wondering if it all gets too hard, living with your mum, could you possibly find somewhere else to live? It is going to be a challenge to have your mum still smoking.

    When I quit cigarettes for good, I knew that they were available, just down the street, but I have talked to other people who partners continued to smoke. Some of them coped ok, some of them found it REALLY REALLY hard.

    I think you are doing a great thing. It sounds like you have some really good reasons for quitting, and I promise you that life is so much brighter on the other side.

    Let us know how you are going!

    Cheers,
    Alice

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